River's End (River's End Series, #1) (22 page)

He stepped closer behind her. “You didn’t think what?”

His arm come around her, and his big hand rested on her stomach. She could feel the warmth of his fingertips and closed her eyes. “I just don’t understand.”

His other arm came around as he enveloped her. She finally leaned back into him, breathing in his scent. The sense of safety she felt, of being held and protected in his arms, made her almost think she was truly cared about. But that couldn’t be right. Jack didn’t even like her. He didn’t like how she acted. Or how easily she slept with men. Or that she worked in her bikini. Or that she was younger than he, and stupid, and…

His deep voice interrupted her. “Ben could have caught us today. I’ve never done what I did today. Not with anyone. Especially, not with my son due home from school so soon. The thing was, I temporarily forgot.”

She didn’t know what to say. Was he blaming her? What did he mean?

“You forgot what?”

“I forgot where I was. I forgot everything. Everything, but you.”

“You mean because you wanted to screw me?”

He didn’t answer, but finally sighed. “Does it help? When you lash out?”

Her body wilted and her shoulders slumped. He always saw through her. “No. It doesn’t help.”

“We’re a bad idea.”

“We? I thought you hated me?”

“No. I don’t.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

She had to know, and had to hear him say it. He had to tell her that she was physically there and he was horny, so why not hit on her? She needed to hear Jack would treat her as every other man she’d ever been with.

“Because it’s all I think about when you’re around me. It takes all my will power and effort not to. Because I’ve been alone a long time; and now here you are every day of my life.”

“Joey found me quite convenient too.”

She waited for him to lash back at her. “Joey wasn’t really with you, was he?”

She paused. Of course he knew first hand Joey was with her. What was he talking about?

“Joey was never with the woman I was with in the barn, was he?”

How did he know? Her heart rate increased. Tears she’d been fighting all night finally slipped over her lower eyelids and she shook her head.

Jack turned her around. His finger came to her chin and he raised her face up to his view.

“Why do you do it, Erin? Why do you sleep with men you don’t give rat’s ass about? Why don’t you know you deserve better?”

“Better? As in you? You want to sleep with me too, don’t you? You don’t even pretend to like me.”

“I don’t have to pretend. But you also live with me. I’m responsible for you in a way I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

She wanted to jerk her arms off him, but he anticipated that and held her arms tighter. “I don’t need to be another of your responsibilities.”

“Yeah, well you are. So is Joey. He’s my brother. I can’t believe I…”

“Got me off so quickly? You did. You were great.”

“Don’t, Erin. Please. The last thing I want is to hurt you. And you damn well know that about me. It wasn’t like that. And there is no way you can convince me otherwise.”

“All you see when you look at me is the slut who screwed Joey, and wears a bikini to work, and makes you look stupid and horny by her continued presence here.”

He shook his head. “You try to piss me off. It took me awhile to get it, and what you were about. You think men want to have sex with you or make you feel stupid, like your brother did. I’m not him. And I’m not Joey. In fact, that scares the shit out of you. You can’t control me like every man you’ve ever been with.”

“You want to bet?”

He stared at her and shook his head. “I’m tired, Erin. Tired of this thing between us that can’t happen. Tired of trying to understand what I’m supposed to do about you. All I know is my relationship with my fifteen-year-old son would have soured for a long while if he walked into the barn just a few seconds sooner. I also know my little brother has the rights to you, that I never should have taken.”

Her cheeks reddened at his flat rejection of her. And at her own gall. How could she act that way with Jack, of all men? She knew not to be that way around him. That’s why she liked being with him, because he didn’t want her to be like that.

“I’ll leave.”

He shook his head with a long, weary sigh. “No. You won’t. This is where you live and we all have to accept that. You have nowhere else to go. And I’m sick of pretending you’re just visiting. You live here. Charlie’s right, it’s stupid for you to eat out here alone. It’s stupid you pussyfoot around, acting scared of me and everyone else here. From now on, you eat inside with us. You can come into the house and watch some damned TV once in a while, even use the internet. You don’t have to keep living like this. And your job isn’t any of my business. I should never have reacted the way I did. I had no right, and I’m sorry. So let’s forget the barn ever happened. The only thing I will ask of you is to give some serious thought to what Charlie tried to do for you tonight.”

She didn’t know what to say. What was Jack doing? “I don’t understand.”

Jack let her go and shrugged. “I realized when Allison was here, you’re more awkward in the house than any guest. And it’s because of how I’ve treated you. That’s stupid. You belong here. And it’s about time we all started acting like it. Ben and Charlie are the only ones who treat you like you belong here, and I finally realized I should take a page out of my own sons’ books. You’re so worried about what’s coming at you next, you can’t even begin to relax. Or contemplate learning to read. So it’s done. You live here. We all have to accept it. You have a home now here. The trailer is yours. No more scathing innuendos from any of us. You can ride the horses or walk to the beach anytime you want. You don’t have to ask my permission anymore. For anything.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, you do. We’ve been treating you like shit. Like an intrusive stranger. Like Chance’s bad sister. And that’s what makes you act out. It’s over. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe any of us anything. Next time Joey mouths off or gets rude to you, tell him off. Next time, Shane says something offhand or impolite, nail his ass. And the next time you feel pressured by me, just say no. Tell me to fuck off because I don’t like how you dress for your job. Your spot here at the ranch is safe. This is your home, Erin.”

Her head spun since she expected Jack to blame her for what happened earlier. Or want her to come in and finish what she started. She never dreamed Jack would do that. Give her the trailer. He was giving her freedom. The freedom to live her own life.

Could he really mean she was at home? She’d never been at home in all her life. Never. Not once did anyone try to make her feel at home.

She swallowed and shook her head. “Do you mean that?”

He smiled. A smile that left her knees shaking and her heart racing. “I mean it. No more shit, Erin. You earned your place here, and it’s about damn time you started living it.”

She nodded, her tears nearly choking her. How she got to this point, she’d never understand, but certainly would take it. Freedom. A life. A home. No more bad Erin.

“So are we good, Erin? We’ll just forget it. And you can say you live here now?”

She nodded her head, too confused and choked up to reply. Eventually, she smiled. She fully intended to show Jack how much his gift to her today meant. And she’d prove that she was worthy of it.

Everything changed after that night. Erin didn’t understand why Jack did what he did, or why his sudden, unconditional acceptance of her seemed to make the entire valley more receptive to her. Suddenly, Ian, Shane and even Joey started being nicer to her. They quit avoiding her and started socializing with her. Suddenly, she was allowed inside the house. And even invited inside the house. She realized how much the Rydells revered Jack’s opinion. When Jack didn’t like her, no one else did; and when Jack turned lukewarm towards her, so did everyone else. But once Jack fully embraced and accepted her, she was unanimously accepted.

She kept her job at the coffee stand. A week later, she stopped dead in her tracks when she turned from an order to find Jack parked at the opposite window. He wore sunglasses and his customary cowboy hat. She couldn’t make out his expression, and hesitated, anticipating his irrational wrath becoming directed at her. But instead, he just smiled at her, and his eyes made a conscious effort to stay focused above her chin as he ordered a cup of black coffee. He paid and touched the brim of his hat with a hand before smiling at her again, and leaving. She stared after his truck, which glinted in the hot, powerful sun. What was that?

It was Jack’s total acceptance, she realized as she served the next man in his dusty pickup. The smile that curled her lips had nothing to do with the leering, bearded man, but rather, at the changes Jack’s reception of her brought into her life.

As May faded into June, River’s End grew alive with the explosion of lush, green leaves that filled in all the gaps in the landscape. Erin never experienced having sunshine every day and it did wonders for her moods. The days started to get hot, and already several were past eighty degrees. She was told regularly that she’d soon hate the incessant heat and sunshine when July and August brought endless dust, no rain, and scorching days on end of ninety degrees and above temperatures.

The river became a swollen, muddy mess for a month as the snowmelt filled it with a dangerously swift, rushing mass of brown water mixed with logs, boulders, and sticks. She had to move further up on her beach to sit because her favorite spots were now submerged beneath the spring melt. She spent every afternoon there. Already clad in shorts, she managed to get a tan for the first time in her life.

She lay on the beach for hours, sometimes letting the sun’s rays soak into her, heating her up, and warming her skin along with her brain. She was… relaxed. She didn’t know what to do about that. She had a place to live, where she could stay on without fear of eviction. She had security for the first time in her life and that changed everything for her.

She thought about Jack. Every single day, she thought about everything Jack had done for her. He managed to give her a new life. He gave her a sense of freedom and the chance for a life she never dared to imagine. However, all she could think about was that day in the barn; and the taste of his mouth with his strong body all around her, and his hand inside her. When she thought about Jack, she felt very different from how she ever did before with men and sex.

Usually after having sex with anyone, even Joey, she never thought about it again. She didn’t think about how it felt, or why she did it. She simply forgot about it, buried it, and moved on with her life. But with Jack, she thought about it all the time. She thought about how it felt, how she felt, and could feel him still. It was a new experience to her and she didn’t know what it meant. His presence, whenever he was near her, set her skin on fire and made her feel safe. She couldn’t explain that because for so long, he was the source of all her anxiety. She saw him as a threat and a vehicle for homelessness. But he nevertheless made her feel safe and protected. It was dangerous for her to feel that for a man who would never take another step towards her.

Erin sighed, sitting up off the sand after her thoughts, once again, traveled to that day in the barn. She wished, as she did so often, she’d taken a minute longer that first day she came on the ranch and just looked at Jack. If she had really looked at Jack, deeply into his eyes, she was sure she would have never, ever looked at Joey again. She was sure she’d get the hot, flushing awareness she now felt each and every time she even glimpsed Jack. If only she’d been smart enough to take a second look that first day.

But she didn’t. She set her sights on Joey, and in that stupid, pointless act, managed to alienate Jack from her. She felt sure he’d never again touch her. Not now. Not after she slept with his little brother. It wasn’t the right thing to do, or the decent thing to do, and now she saw Jack as the most decent, upstanding man she’d ever known.

She often came to dinner now and each evening had a decent meal to eat. She started to gain weight that was much needed and made her look and feel better. Her skin seemed to glow and radiate a healthy color instead of the sickly pallor of before.

She started showing up earlier in the evenings because she knew Jack would still be out working, and hung out with Charlie, or Ben, and sometimes, even Kailynn.

Erin liked Kailynn. She decided that one evening when she was drawing with Charlie and Kailynn was finishing up before getting ready to leave. Kailynn was quiet, and thorough, seeming to avoid even looking at Erin. She barely answered anything Erin said to her, but despite all that, Erin still liked Kailynn.

Erin wanted to make friends with Kailynn because she wanted a woman in her life, someone to talk to, and relate with. She wasn’t sure how to make that happen, though, since Kailynn seemed to disapprove of her.

She figured at some point, if she got into Kailynn’s way often enough, she’d finally get Kailynn to acknowledge her.

Erin also hoped by being around Jack more frequently, and inside his house, she could finally grow immune to his charm. It always worked for her in the past. After she was with any guy long enough, he lost all his appeal and attraction, which she once harbored towards him. The problem with Jack was, the more time she spent near him, watching him, and listening to him with those around him, she only grew more interested, more attracted, and even more reticent around him. She couldn’t understand her strange reaction to him.

Kailynn was cutting up vegetables and Erin had been talking to Charlie. Erin got up and came closer to Kailynn. “Do you need any help?”

Kailynn glanced up and her gray eyes had a strange hue to them, an almost a whitish cast. They were incredibly beautiful. Usually, however, Kailynn kept her eyes downcast and focused on whatever she was doing with her hands. “No.”

Erin picked up a carrot and took a bite from it, not missing the frown Kailynn gave her. “I would like to help.”

“They pay me to do this. I don’t need your help.”

Erin shrugged. “Well, I owe them for letting me live here. I could help cook since you usually try to leave about now, I could take over for you sometimes.”

“Can you cook?”

“Well, no. But I could learn.”

Kailynn lifted her eyes, piercing Erin with their laser-like glow. “You can’t read a recipe.”

Erin flinched and set the carrot down. “And here you act so nice to the Rydells. I know I can’t read. I thought people learned to cook by ‘know-how’.”

“Yeah, if you have any ‘know-how’.”

“What’s your problem with me?”

“No problem, Erin. I just have work to do.”

“Is it Joey? Because we’re nothing now.”

“I don’t care who you’re having sex with.”

“I’m not. Having sex with anyone, that is. So what? You hate me because I’m not a virgin?”

Kailynn turned as she mixed up dough in a bowl, which she spread over the vegetables and chicken she had in a pan. Erin guessed she had some kind of potpie concoction going on. “I don’t have any opinion on you.”

“So you’re just bitchy in general?”

Kailynn hesitated, but finally, looked Erin in the eye. “No one else thinks I’m a bitch.”

“Well, I’m thinking it right now.”

Kailynn tapped a finger on the counter. “Can you make a pie crust?”

“No.”

“Then can you slice apples?”

“Yeah. I can slice apples.”

“Good,” Kailynn said as she handed Erin a knife and pushed a bowl of apples towards her. “Start peeling and then cut them into slices.”

Erin looked at Kailynn and didn't react. Her face was a mask of disinterest. Erin smiled at her. Kailynn finally lifted the corners of her mouth as she turned and stuck the potpie into the warm oven.

“So how long have worked here?”

Kailynn took a long while before she talked to Erin. It took days to get the barest information out of her. Erin eventually learned Kailynn was twenty-two years old and lived with her father and two older brothers who were also good friends with Ian and Shane. Kailynn eventually showed Erin how to make spaghetti, tacos, Jack’s favorite beef stew, several chicken casseroles, and various homemade pies. Most of what she taught Erin were things she could reproduce without a cookbook. One asset Erin possessed was a faultless memory.

Erin liked the food prep and the aromas of the finished products as she set them on the table. She liked the few moments she and Kailynn talked alone about girl things. Or food, or the weather, and eventually, makeup, hair, and where to shop or get things done in the small businesses of River’s End.

Erin soon came to the house seeking Kailynn’s company much more than that of the men. Kailynn always left as they sat down to eat, and Erin always felt sorry to see her leave. She was quiet during the first few meals she shared with the Rydells. In no time, however, she was being talked to, and asked questions so she began to open up more towards them. She always sat at the far end, and opposite side of the table to Jack in her attempts to avoid him. That was back-asswards because it put her next to Joey, whom she didn’t give a damn about being near or not. She had nothing to say to him, and no residual tenderness towards him either.

Joey ignored her as much as she did him. He even brought his new date home with no skin off Erin’s nose.

One day in June, Joey announced with little warning and no apparent concern at the impact of his news that he was leaving for the summer. His brothers all stopped eating and stared at him in utter shock. No one knew what he had in mind. Erin did, however. She remembered hearing his doubts about working on the ranch because he didn’t know anything else, and had never known any other place. She just didn’t know what his latest plan entailed.

“I joined the Army.”

Jack stared at him for a full thirty seconds before setting his fork down with a pronounced “clink!” Then he laughed. “You don’t just up and join the Army, Joe.”

“Well, I did. I can’t spend my life hanging around here, shoveling shit.”

Jack stared at Joey, and Joey stared back, his anger palpable. Jack suddenly stood up and left the room, with everyone staring open-mouthed after him. Joey let out a breath and hunched his shoulders, not quite as sure about standing up to Jack as he originally tried to portray.

No one spoke after that. Joey got up and followed Jack to the porch.

Erin stared after them, absorbing the silence from the rest of the family deeply in her gut. She wondered if they blamed her. She also was impressed by the depths to which these men loved each other, though usually unspoken. They had lived together rather successfully well into their adult lives, something most siblings could never do without killing each other. But the Rydell brothers made it work. And now one of them was leaving.

****

Jack sat down on a chair, looking out over the land, now lit in pretty, soft hues beneath the setting summer sun. It seemed to linger this time of year for hours. He grabbed a case of beer and now drank it liberally in place of dinner. Joey eventually came out, leaning against the porch railing.

“It’s not about you. I don’t want to be a rebel or anything. I just need to do something more, something that I can’t do here. I don’t have the grades for college, and that’s not for me either. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been drifting for three years. I’ll keep drifting if I don’t leave, and suddenly, I’ll be forty years old, and living with you still, and working the ranch. I need to find my own way.”

“And if you die?”

Joey scoffed. “Jesus, Jack. That’s what has you so upset? Not me leaving… but you think I’ll die? Kind of getting ahead of yourself, aren’t you, Jack? I haven’t even taken the training yet. Come on, Jack; it’s not that likely.”

“Yeah, well there’s a definite possibility in that job description, now isn’t there?”

“I accept that risk.”

“You know shit about death. You know shit about what it’s like to bury someone you love.”

“I won’t die.”

“You don’t know that, Joe.”

“Look, I guess it’s harder for you because of Lily and all, but I’m not Lily. I’m just, making my own way in life.”

Jack looked past Joey, towards the strange orange light now glowing over the black line of mountains. He closed his eyes as the familiar pain shot into his gut.
Lily.
God, how it hurt to think about her still. Even after several years to get used to it, he wasn’t.

“You’re not just my brother, Joey,” he finally said quietly. “You’re more like my son. I took over being your parent when you were five-god-damned-years old. You don’t know what that’s like.”