Rogue Countess (19 page)

Jude chuckled and shook his head. “No, in India where the class distinctions are more severe and unforgiving than you could imagine. The distance between wealth and poverty is immense and insurmountable, yet the people find a way to be joyful. And we here with so many more choices to direct our fates, so often only focus on what we cannot have rather than searching out the means and direction of our own happiness.”

Anna stared at him in shock. It was obvious he felt deeply about what he was saying. It was amazing to hear such an enlightened perspective coming from the man in front of her, but it certainly did not explain his comment.

“If you believe a woman can pursue such personal goals the same as a man, then what exactly were you referring to in noting my lack of decorum?”

His eyes as they met hers were deep and probing, and a sudden shock of alarm grazed her nerves.

“I was referring to what you did eight years ago. Not exactly the actions of a virtuous woman.”

He had intentionally backed her into a corner. Anna returned his gaze with steady resistance. Her mouth clamped shut against a reply. Any response she gave would only lead to questions she either couldn’t or wouldn’t answer. As much as she yearned for him to know her, to see who she really was and not what he assumed her to be based on a false past, such a thing could never happen.

To protect herself and her future, she must protect her secrets.

As if reading her mind, he finally shifted his gaze away from her face and remarked in a deceptively casual tone, “Someday we are going to have to talk in a reasonable manner about what happened all those years ago. Our futures depend upon it. I hope you will be completely honest with me when the time comes.”

Anna froze with her coffee cup halfway to her lips.

Honest? Reasonable?

It was laughable how inappropriate those two words were in a discussion about their shared past and projected future. She could just picture the conversation. “You remember my sister Olivia, the woman you were betrothed to? The woman you were hopelessly in love with? Well, she decided she would rather have a duke than the lowly heir to an earldom, but just couldn’t figure out how to jilt you without unfavorable consequences for herself. That was when she and my father decided to trap you in a compromising position with another woman. And oh, how fortunate, they had a naïve young girl already sufficiently browbeaten and readily available.”

Yes, she could see that conversation going very well. It would sound to him as if she were trying to deflect blame on someone else, and her father, who had died years ago, would only appear to be the perfect scapegoat. And Jude probably wouldn’t believe that his beloved former fiancée could have anything to do with such a wicked plot. Not precious Olivia. And then to convince him she had not been in on the plan, that if she had not been given the same incapacitating drug he had, she never would have been in his bed stripped naked and vulnerable.

Even in her head, even knowing it was all so devastatingly true, the story sounded laughable with its tragic theatrics. And all of it contrived so Olivia could have her duke.

No, he wouldn’t believe it. And if he did, he would feel compelled to confront his former betrothed. Then Anna would have to contend with Olivia’s wrath, and she didn’t doubt for a second that her sister would do exactly as she had threatened. Anna would be ruined and all her hard work would crumble to dust.

She shook her head, a sad smile playing about her lips. How pathetic was her life? She was married to the man she had loved since she was a child, and yet any chance at happiness between them had been eradicated before they had even had a chance to consider it. And still, the worst of it was that she couldn’t seem to shake the tiny seed of hope that remained lodged in her heart.

She must be a bit of a masochist, she thought as her sad smile twisted derisively.

“You have a lot going on in that sharp mind of yours,” Jude said. Once again, he was carefully watching her reaction. “How much of it do you intend to share with me?”

“None of it.” Her answer was the only bit of honesty she could give him. She met his eyes and added with a rueful smile. “You may simply have to accept you do not have the right of access to my every thought.”

“What if I insist?”

“It will do you no good,” Anna replied. “I have far too much to lose and will not give in just to satisfy your curiosity.”

“I will find another way to discover what you keep hidden in your thoughts. The past will be rectified.” Jude’s declaration was spoken with a note of raw depth that betrayed a layer of underlying emotion he hadn’t shown previously.

Anna set her coffee down. She had to dissuade him from the course he seemed intent to pursue. Her eyes met his across the small table, and though she shook inside with trepidation, she forced her features into a mask of calm and confident composure.

“There is no real satisfaction to be gained from delving too deeply into the events of the past. Be content in your current quest, my lord. You already know the villainess in this scenario. And as for the future—” she smiled, though she didn’t feel the emotion of the gesture, “—that remains to be seen, doesn’t it.”

She stood then, and though Jude said no more, she could feel his contemplative stare following her as she walked away.

“Enjoy your feast,” she said as she set her half-eaten plate of food on the sideboard and crossed to the door. Before leaving, she turned back to add over her shoulder, “Thank you for your help last night. It must have been an awkward situation for you, but I am glad you were there.”

Fully awake and wholly disturbed by the interaction with Jude, Anna decided to go check in on Leif. When she arrived, she was grateful to see the place was looking a little livelier than it had the night before. Jack, who served as Leif’s part-time groom and footman, was there to open the door.

“How is he?” she asked as she entered the house.

“Ornery and difficult,” Jack responded bluntly.

Leif’s shouts of irritation echoed down from the upper floor and Anna shared a look of exasperation with Jack before heading up the stairs. She met Lorna coming out of his bedroom.

Seeing Anna, the older woman curtsied briskly.

“I dinna think you have anything ta worry aboot with Lord Riley. A mon with a temper like that canna be feeling too badly.”

“Thank you, Lorna, for staying with him today.”

The maid gave a polite nod then continued down the hall.

Anna entered Leif’s room and was glad to notice that the hard scent of blood no longer clung to the air. Leif was propped up in his bed, and aside from the wide white bandage wrapping his middle, he certainly looked no worse than any other day. He didn’t even seem to be sporting much of a hangover from his large dose of self-medication.

Seeing Anna, his expression lit up and then crashed again when he noted the dark look of censure that hardened her features. He rolled his eyes in a dramatic fashion and folded his hands in his lap.

“Is it time for my lecture, then? I thought I might avoid it, considering I almost died.”

“You did not almost die, though maybe you should have,” Anna answered as she pulled a chair up to his bedside and took a seat.

“Lovely sentiment, angel,” Leif replied dryly.

“I swear, your damnable luck does you no credit. How many times is it now that you have been injured by an angry husband or some other family member bent upon some sort of recompense for your actions?”

Leif scowled. “It hardly matters, Anna.”

“It matters to me, Leif,” she replied, leaning forward. “You are my only friend, and as frustrating and irritating as you can get, I love you dearly. I really don’t want to lose you to the consequences of a reckless love affair with the wrong woman.”

“Where’s the right woman, then?” Leif asked with a jaunty grin and half-cocked eyebrow. When Anna only scowled deeper, he shook his head. “You are determined to be serious, eh? You know I only do what my circumstances dictate. My father does not leave me with many options.”

“But there are other options, aren’t there? Options less…dishonorable and dangerous.”

Leif laughed then. “Sweetheart, being dishonorable and dangerous are the only things I have going for me. I am not a talented fellow, and what I am good at manages to keep me under a solid roof. Besides,” he added with the wide grin of a libertine, “what man wouldn’t want wealthy women smelling of rose water and dripping in jewels eager for their company and attention. If those women are grateful enough for the bit of romance and pleasure I provide to give me expensive gifts, then why should I refuse?”

Anna fell silent thinking about the adventurous charming boy Leif had once been. His jaded perspective on life and love did him no credit, but she had never been one to judge him for his decisions. He had his reasons for the things he did, just as everyone else.

Smiling then, she stood.

“Well, in truth I am grateful that you have once again managed to escape an unfortunate end. Perhaps you can just lie to me and promise you will be more careful in the future.”

Leif winked. “I promise.”

She stood then as if to leave and Leif shook his head with mock sternness.

“You’re not leaving yet, angel. Don’t you dare think you are getting out of here until you fill me in on how things are going with that husband of yours.”

Anna’s groan was audible and she turned back around with a look of distress. “You would have to ask me about him.”

“Damn right. I was bloody stunned when he popped by earlier. And I don’t necessarily understand why you dragged him along with you when you so lovingly came to my aid.”

“What? Wait. What did you say?” Anna asked as she sat back down and leaned forward toward his bed. “Jude was here earlier? He came back? Why?”

Leif eyed her curiously as she fired off the frantic string of questions. “He did. About two or three hours ago, I’d say. The man didn’t say much. Seemed fine with just noting I wasn’t dead. Of course, I can’t be too sure that the fact pleased him.”

Anna’s eyes narrowed. “That’s all? He didn’t start questioning you about me, or us?”

“No.” Leif smiled, becoming amused by her reaction. There was not much that managed to rattle Anna’s stoicism. “Though he did leave with a parting warning that I was never again to call upon you for aid in the middle of the night as long as he resided in your household.”

“He didn’t dare.” Anna gasped. “And what did you say in response?”

Leif shrugged and rubbed his hand across his forehead. “I’m not sure exactly. I was still a little off from the liquor and hadn’t had anything to eat yet. I may have said something to the effect that I would heed his warnings when a man managed to suck his own—”

“Never mind!” Anna shouted as she raised her hand to stop him from finishing. “I think I get the point.”

“Well, he didn’t stay long. What was he doing with you last night anyway?” Alarm flitted across his handsome features. “You two weren’t involved in some carnal activity when I called for aid, were you?”

“
No.
” Anna’s cheeks burned red.

“But you would have liked to be,” Leif teased.

“No. Well, maybe,” she corrected, but then quickly waved her hand as if to brush aside the notion. “But it doesn’t matter what I want in that regard.”

“Hmm. Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Anna eyed her friend cautiously, not liking the sly grin spreading across his face. “Why? What are you getting at? You seem to think you know something, so out with it.”

“All I’m saying is that maybe you should ask yourself what it is you are really fighting here. Are you still resisting your husband’s wishes or your own feelings for the man?”

Anna stared at him for a moment with no expression as his insightful words sunk in. Then she cursed in frustration. “Dammit, Leif. I don’t want to start forgetting what he did. It wasn’t right for him to just leave like that and then gad about without a single ounce of concern for how his actions affected anyone else.”

“You’re absolutely right, angel. I wouldn’t argue it for a moment. I’m merely suggesting that maybe what you want most out of this mess has shifted. At some point the past will need to remain in the past if you are going to have any chance at moving forward.” She didn’t argue his point considering she had said much the same thing to Jude less than an hour ago.

“You obviously want the man,” Leif continued. “What would happen if you stopped fighting against him and started fighting for him?”

Anna looked down at her fingers twisting in her lap. Leif had discovered the sore spot in the whole mess. It was this point exactly that she refused to think about in quieter hours, though it was always at the back of her mind.

“What, indeed,” she muttered under her breath. “He could leave me again. Only this time it would mean so much more, hurt so much more.”

Leif shifted in the bed to plant his feet on the floor, wincing as he did so. He leaned forward and grasped Anna’s shoulders until she lifted her chin and met his eyes.

“And if he left, you would be no worse off than you are now. You would still have me.” His smile was a self-mocking twist of his lips. “More’s the pity.”