ROMAN (Lane Brothers Book 5) (11 page)

“Don’t get me wrong, Mellie. I do think he loves you and I know that he’s been having a hard time of things lately because he misses you, but he’s a little too used to getting his own way. It’s about time a woman gave him the finger.”

I snort and turn off the burner when the pot starts whistling and finish off the tea while thinking over what he’s saying.

“This Roman, the one who came to the bar and spoke to me, is the guy I remember. There were times I doubted that he really existed, you know?”

I’m still dealing with some residual guilt for ever doubting Roman, but as time keeps passing, and I see the events of the last few months objectively, I’ve let it all go.

“I know. I still cringe when I think of what I did to my own aunt,” Miah admits, sipping his tea with a sigh. “I was hard and ruthless and I got things done, but I had other options I purposely overlooked because of my anger.”

“I think that in some ways, we’ll all be affected by this for a long time. It’s normal to look back and dissect every move and decision and have a lot of regrets. My only real regret was not telling Daddy I loved him more. I was upset and resentful that I had Roman, and yet Daddy had more of him so…”

Miah nods his head. “Me, I regret letting Roman do this stuff at all, even knowing that he planned it all before I came on the scene. I saw you two that night at the fisherman’s shack, Mellie. I could have stepped in and changed a lot of things I knew weren’t right, but I was too wrapped up in Clari and my own personal stuff.”

Oh Lord, I think Miah Lane is trying to apologize to me for something that he had no part in. I always would have fallen for Roman. Heck, I’ve been half in love with the man for years already. And I always would have had to let him go.

“Don’t. None of it was going to change a darn thing and I know it. It’s done. We need to move forward, as a family, and let it all go because I, for one, am not willing to let it shape me anymore,” I say determinedly.

Miah smiles again and I feel my chest tighten before he nods and sets his cup aside.

“Don’t let him seduce you and take another piece of your heart if he’s not willing to give you all of his. I know Roman, and as much as I don’t want to say it, the man is a charmer who’ll do anything to get his way. He wants you and the baby and I want to say that it will make him change a lot of shit that’s wrong with the way he thinks and feels, but I can’t honestly tell you that. I’d rather you two were apart than watch you hurt when he leaves for the next op.”

“Miah, are you standing in my corner over Roman’s?” I ask steadily, not quite believing what I’m hearing right now.

“Yes. You’re not just his girl. You’re my little sister, and I’m as responsible for you as I am for him. I want you to have a good pregnancy and a good life here with us, but if that won’t happen with Roman, then I say you let him go and just move on. You’re too great to pine for a man and I won’t have it.”

The words make my chest ache and I freaking tear up again before launching myself at him and hugging him to death.

“I love you too, Miah, and I am so grateful and honored that you and the others decided to make me one of yours. Thank you.”

He pats me awkwardly and I pull away with a chuckle, resuming my seat with a laugh that makes him grin and hand me what’s left of the chocolate.

“He’s been working really hard to heal so he can be strong for you and I’m so proud of the way he’s stepped back entirely from the Lynn situation. Just…give him a chance, but keep your heart safe.”

“I will. I, we actually have a date tomorrow night.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s coming over to talk and he even said we should be friends…or something. I wasn’t really listening since I was still in shock that he actually came to Will’s bar without decking the poor guy.”

Miah laughs and throws me a wink.

“Yeah, he really hates poor Will and I do not see that changing anytime soon. You know he still tried to lunge at the guy and stake his territory even when he was half dead?”

I chuckle at that image because Will has a totally different version of the story that involves long flowing blond locks, a hero-like figure of great moral stature, and a victim who was tame as a lamb.

“Will and I are just friends and Roman knows it.”

“Ah, but you and Roman are also just friends now and he knows that, too,” Miah points out prosaically. “Remember what I said. Do what’s best for you and my little nephew/niece over there and don’t apologize to anyone for feeling what you’re feeling. Now, I gotta go. My wife’s pregnant and moody and I have the need to spoil her a little.” He laughs, coming over to kiss my cheek and pull me up so we can walk out together.

“Thanks, Miah.”

“Anytime, little sister. See you tomorrow maybe?”

“Sure. Tell Clari I said hi and thanks for those books she sent me. I’m keeping the coffee table pretty with them.”

He laughs again and I watch as he starts jogging the distance from the small cottage that has become mine to the large home off in the distance.

Roman

My palms are sweating as I button up the last button on my shirt and splash on a dash of cologne while I try to convince myself that I’m not more nervous than a green boy having a go at his first girl.

I have to get over this shit in about ten minutes before it’s time for me to leave for Mel’s.

My heart is beating hard and loud in my newly healed chest, and it keeps echoing the same words over and over again, making me break out in a cold sweat while I try to tell myself once again that everything is okay. That I can tell her about myself without losing a limb or facing a firing squad.

I hate this part of me, though, and no matter how many times I tell myself different, I still feel a loathing for the weakness I can’t shake no matter how many years pass or how much love my family gives me.

Tonight I have to face that demon and trust that Mel will be right there to catch me if I should stumble. I trust her, I just don’t have trust in myself, something I’ve struggled with for a lot longer than is natural or healthy.

But I’ll suck up my insecurities and tell her because I know that if I’m to get past this and on the road to winning her back, I have to open myself up to hurt, the same way I forced her to open to me.

“Hey, stop pissing yourself and take a breath. She loves you, man. She’s not going to just turn away from you.”

I turn slowly and look at Miah standing in the doorway, resting back against the wood and inspecting me like a bull going to market.

When he nods as if satisfied and finally meets my eyes, I feel my heart settle and the cold fear melt away.

“I can’t fuck this up again.”

“You won’t, or Jared and Wyatt will kick your ass while Jace and I keep watch for Ma,” he jokes, shaking his head ruefully. “Seriously, though, I know you got this. Just be honest with her and yourself and you’ll do okay.”

“What if I don’t? What if she’s over me?”

That makes him snort and I hear Wyatt make a crude comment as he and the others walk in from the hallway.

“Dude, that woman sees no man but you, trust me. She’s just pissed because she fell in love with a moron is all. She’ll deal and get over it. And who knows, maybe she’ll get over that aversion she seems to have to marriage and finally accept Ma’s ring.” Wyatt laughs, making my teeth ache.

“Not a Goddamned chance. Your women may have fallen into that trap, but I know my Mel and she won’t accept something like that.”

“Bro, Ma’s teaching her to knit and I saw Tracy and Ellie going through shopping catalogues with her last week. Face it, they’re turning your woman to the dark side, and just like us poor saps, you have no choice in the matter,” Jared growls, causing us all to bust a gut because he’s still raw about Paulie wearing Ma’s ring around her neck and liking it a lot more than the one he gave her.

She would never admit it, but the one time I saw him try to touch it, she damn near bit two of his fingers off.

“So, you nervous? Because you only do that hand snapping thing when you’re nervous and you’re doing it now.” Jace grins, making me aware of the nervous habit I’ve regained in the last few weeks.

I tend to snap my fingers and tap them against my thigh when I’m feeling out of sorts and I hate it.

“Shut the hell up and tell me something to distract me. Lynn? Case?”

Jared shakes his head again and I turn to him with a smile that I don’t feel, because I have the insane urge to just start investigating even thought I know that would be bad and wrong and it would signify that my girl isn’t my priority.

Fuck it, I need to just let go of this part of my life and accept that I have a different path now.

“Nothing. Case isn’t answering his phone anymore and we’re starting to worry that Lynn…” Miah leaves the sentence trailing, but we all know what he’s saying.

Case could be dead somewhere in South America, for all we know, and we may never know if we don’t find her.

“You call this number,” I say, scribbling Fielding’s number onto a card and handing it to Miah with a silent groan.

I hate having to just let go, but it’s a choice I made weeks ago and I need to do this, no matter how much it hurts to stop before the finish line.

“Huh?”

“That number belongs to Fielding, an operative working the weapons side of things. If anyone can find Lynn, it’s Fielding. Now all of you wish me luck and get on with your jobs. I have a woman to go woo.”

They’re all making smooching noises and teasing me as I straighten my spine and make for the door, the butterflies I’ve been battling coming back in full force by the time I get to the kitchen and grab the basket that Ma prepared for me.

“Wait! Come on over here and let Mama take a look at you, boy.”

I sigh and turn, standing still for inspection as Ma walks around me, tucking things in and smoothing my collar.

“You’re nervous. Good. That means you’re taking this seriously and you’re less likely to mess things up. Now,” she says, smiling in that way only a mother can when looking at her child. “Remember to be open and honest and whatever you do, Roman, do not get impatient.”

“Ma, I’m not—”

“Boy, I raised you and watched you become a man. I know you. You see something you want and you go at it and do not stop till you’re on the money. Mel isn’t a mission or a case or a goal to achieve and you know it. She’s a woman with feelings and a lot of unresolved issues thanks to that horrible organization and the way she lost her dear father.”

Dear father my ass. The chief was my friend at the end, but I’m not about to lie and start pinning father-of-the-year awards on the man. He was an ornery old cuss who only saw what he had when it was almost too late.

Kind of like you, Roman, old pal?

I forcefully shake away that stray thought and take a fortifying breath.

“I’ll go slow and do things right, Ma. I promise.”

“Good, because I already ordered Mel’s dress and the caterer keeps calling for a head count.” She pats my cheek again.

“I’ll try to get her back, I will, but if I’ve damaged her love too much, I’ll have to be satisfied with what she’ll give me. And so will you. Promise me you won’t try to force anything if she doesn’t want to get back together with me,” I plead, taking Miah’s advice for once.

Because he’s right. Mel deserves more than what I gave her.

“Stop talking nonsense and go use all that charm your father gave you, boy.”

I turn away with a smirk and leave the house through the back, forcing myself to walk at a slow and even rate, though I want to run to her like some lovesick dog just dying for attention.

I get about halfway before I turn back to see them all looking down at me from a window in my bedroom and I flip them the bird to let them know how little I appreciate their spying.

By the time I get to the cottage and knock on the door, I’m back to sweating and snapping the fingers on my right hand with a vengeance. She finally opens the door and stands there smiling nervously, looking so perfect that I have difficulty catching my breath.

How in hell’s name could I leave this woman to go on a suicide mission when every part of me and the happiness I now feel is wrapped up in her?

Jesus, I am the world’s biggest fool and I know it.

“Hey, baby girl,” I say after staring at her and taking in her knee-length sundress and bare feet.

“Hey right back at ya, Lane. Come on in, I already set the table and got us drinks,” she says, turning away.

I can see the pulse pounding at her neck and it makes my own nerves steadier when I realize that she’s just as anxious about this date as I am. Probably more if that nervous habit she has of biting at the right bottom corner of her lip is any indication.

I want to pull her into my arms and suck that lip into my mouth the way I used to whenever she worried. And then I want to rip her dress off and explore every inch of her body with my hands, mouth, and every other part of me.

I want to belong to her again. Hell, she can keep her maiden name and independence, and I will even stop calling her mine if that’s the way my fiery vixen wants it. But I need her to claim me again, because without that tether to her I am adrift and lost.

“Um, so let’s see what Mama whipped up for us, huh? Oh golly! She made the fried chicken? That woman is totally evil.” She laughs and I feel the tension drop away immediately.

“Yeah, she really is. She also made brownies and some of those spinach balls you like so much,” I murmur, unpacking the basket with a smile when I see a bottle of apple cider instead of Champagne.

Mel starts unloading it all and I help her carry it to the little table in the corner before pulling her chair out and seating her like I always did. Some things with her just come naturally.

“So, you’re looking pretty lost in thought tonight, Lane. You still worrying about old Lynn and that other secret council member?” Mel asks, watching me from beneath lowered lashes.

This must be a test or something, and while my first reaction is to tell her every feeling I have, I throttle it back and shake it off, going for cool, calm, and attentive instead.

“No. That’s Miah’s problem now,” I say, picking up a piece of chicken and almost choking on the thing when Mel takes a bite of hers and moans long and low, just the way she does right before…

“Oh Lord, this tastes so good. I think every taste bud on my tongue has doubled in size with this pregnancy, because food just tastes so different now.”

I push my lust aside, focusing instead on the baby growing inside her.
My
baby.

Knowing that she’s carrying a child that is a part of us both is one of the biggest turn-ons I’ve ever known. I want her even more now.

That could just be because I haven’t had sex in so long that I physically ache, but I want to see every change and taste every new flavor she has to offer.

“You’re looking great. Pregnancy gives you an added glow.”

Her blush is instant and I feel my dick go hard enough to strip my zipper when she smiles shyly and looks up at me.

“Thank you. Now that the sickness part is over, I feel really good. I even gained some weight, which is great because I lost some. Anyway, I feel good is all,” she finishes, picking at her rice with a sigh.

I want so much to just tell her that I’m different and we belong together and all those things she seems to have needed when I wasn’t here before, but I hold back.

“So, you’re good? No lingering pain from the lung or your broken leg?” she asks when the silence drags a little too long because I have no idea what to say without putting my foot in my mouth.

“Yeah. I’m good.”

I was cleared for active duty yesterday and have yet to call my superiors and give them my retirement speech.

“Ah, that’s good, I guess…” she trails off before dropping her fork with a huff and meeting my eyes with determination. “This is more awkward than it freaking needs to be and we both know it, Roman.”

All I can do is nod since my tongue is damn near tied.

I’m just a man. I think with my dick a lot, and right now my dick is hard and yelling at me that my girl is sitting right there and I can just—

“We should just have sex.”

“What?”

I don’t think I heard her right. I think it’s just a part of that imagination I’ve been lacking lately, or even a product of the sheer desperation I’m feeling thanks to lack of blood flow to the brain.

Mel colors a bright shade of crimson and starts chewing that lip of hers before sighing and just forging ahead.

“We should just have sex. I’m feeling it, you’re feeling it, and we’re just sitting here trying to ignore it while that elephant in the room keeps stomping around. I want you and you want me and—”

“Are you saying you forgive me? That we have a shot at more?”

“No. I’m saying that I haven’t had sex in so long that my vagina won’t let me think straight. I’m saying that we were always good together when it came to the physical side of things, and I’m just tired of sitting here pretending we don’t want to rip into each other and fuck like animals. I want you, Roman. I always have.”

So it’s a no-strings thing.

“I’m not saying that I’ll want more with you, and I’m not saying that we can’t have more. One day. I just think that we can be lovers and friends while we figure things out.”

That hurts more than I thought it would, and yet I feel a lightness and a freedom I haven’t felt in too long. She’s giving me an in.

“Roman?”

I snap out of it and take a good look at her and see the way she keeps shifting in her seat.

If possible, my dick gets harder and I’m up and towering over her before my mind can fully process the move.

“Come on then, because I swear to God I can’t sit across form you another minute without at least touching you,” I growl, pulling her up and into me with a groan and a sigh when her arms wrap around my neck and she offers her sweet lips up to me.

I’m going to go slow and savor every touch and taste I’ve dreamed of since I left her. At least that’s what I keep telling myself even as I sweep her up and take her mouth in a kiss that’s sloppy and desperate and so hot and wonderful that I hear her moan and push closer.