Rome: A Marked Men Novel (23 page)

happy, which made me happy, even if the idea was like torture for me. I just didn’t know what to say to

them in order to get the conversation started.

It was fine, the slower pace. I liked spending time with her, we got along great, and when we didn’t, the

way those two-toned eyes flashed and sparked a million different colors made me have visions of makeup

sex that were triple-X-rated. It wasn’t like I was only with her to hook up, but I would be a big fat liar if I

didn’t admit that I missed it, missed her and all that colorful skin. Sex with Cora was unlike sex I had ever

had before, and not just because she was pierced down there and had all those colorful jewels embedded in

her skin. Despite her refrain that she was holding out for some unobtainable vision of perfect, she just got

me, like really got me even though I was as far from perfect as a guy could get.

I didn’t know how she could stand the lack of sex either. Her hormones were all over the place lately.

She was more mouthy and a little snarkier than usual, but there was something in her eyes. I would catch

her looking at me out of the corner of her eye, like she was feeling the same repressed desire as I was. Like

we were sitting on the brink of something major, something bigger than everything we had experienced

before, but it was like she was scared of the drop-off. She let me kiss her, let me cuddle her up on the

couch while we watched movies, she was openly affectionate, holding my hand, wrapping her arms around

me, and letting me know she was there. She was always the one who pulled away, who cut the contact

short and stayed on the right side of sexually unfulfilled. I could see the regret, the frustration on her pretty

face, but I wasn’t willing to push my luck, so I didn’t question it or try and push it with her. She was

willing to take me as is. I was willing to take her and any obstacles she put in my way as par for the course.

Sometimes I thought she looked at me like she was downright terrified, not of me, but of something I was

making her think or feel.

I was making up for lost time at the bar as well as trying to get my relationship with Brite and the

regulars back on track. Brite was back, mostly I think to make sure I didn’t drink him out of bar and profit

the way I had at the end of the previous month. I think he was worried I was going to spiral out of control

again. To prove to him that I had no intention of ruining my life, of letting Cora raise that baby alone

without me, I was working extra hard and had all the improvements he asked for nearly done. I had even

found a few of my own to add to the upgrades. The place looked like a nearly new bar; it was spotless,

polished, and not a surface wasn’t touched up and brand-new. There was an influx of new blood coming in

the door and business had picked up enough that Brite asked Asa to stay on as the permanent evening

bartender. My personal thought on that was that he liked the view. There wasn’t a night the bar wasn’t

surrounded by pretty young things all clamoring for the blond country boy’s attention. Asa was just that

good.

I still didn’t know what I was going to do when I was done with the Bar, but I was making a conscious

effort not to lose sleep over it. I was losing sleep over enough other things. My future had enough twists

and turns in it that beating myself up over not having all the answers was just exhausting and I didn’t have

the energy to do it anymore.

It was also a day-to-day struggle to deal with the nightmares and the weird slips in my mind that drew

me back to the desert and all that blood and death in a more healthy and positive way than drinking myself

stupid. An occasional vodka tonic was one thing; trying to kill my liver was another. When I woke up now,

I went running or took the Harley out for a long ride until I came back into myself. It took longer but it

worked just as well, and talking to Brite’s friend was making me realize that it was just like everything else

in life: I had to work at it, had to practice getting better. He also made me see that if I let the people that

loved me help, it would make the process go faster. Just like Shaw told me, everyone was just going to

have to learn to love me in a new way and I had to be all right with that. It was okay to ask them for help,

that didn’t make me weak, and I should be appreciating still being around to listen to them, not feeling

guilty about it.

One night Cora and I were sprawled out on the couch at my place. Nash was out with Rowdy and my

girl was all cute and curled up in a ball resting against my side. She had picked some dumb girly movie to

watch after dinner and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open, it was so boring. I liked the way she fit

next to me, she was so small and so deceptively delicate, and she brought all the protective instincts I had to

the surface, which was funny because she was more than capable of protecting herself. It was hard for me

to recall what my boring black-and-white world looked like before she stormed into it and bled color into

every nook and cranny. I just wanted to take care of her, be with her.

“You hate this, don’t you?” She was rubbing her thumb along the back of my hand and across my

knuckles. I could feel her stop and worry over the raised scars and marks that dotted my skin.

“Naw, it’s fine.”

She laughed next to me. “You’re about to fall asleep.”

I was, but I figured she didn’t need to worry about it. My attention kept drifting in and out. She wanted

to see the girl in the movie get her happily-ever-after, and I figured I could hold out for that long. Besides,

crashing out on the couch next to her was the closest I’d gotten to sleeping with her in the last month. I

shifted so I could curl my arm around her and pull her closer to my side. I dropped a kiss on the top of her

soft hair and told my overly anxious lower half to chill out. She had one arm wrapped around my waist and

her other hand resting on my thigh. It was all very innocent, but telling my denied libido that was another

story. Taking a little catnap might be the only way I made it through the rest of this date night without

getting myself in trouble.

Between one breath and the next, I was zoned out somewhere between being all the way asleep and

awake. I couldn’t concentrate on the stupid movie and my mind just took a detour down a path I wished it

hadn’t. Everything sort of just faded away and I was back to a day I relived over and over, it was a waking

nightmare and I couldn’t stop the avalanche of memories as they free-falled on top of each other. I would

have given everything I possessed to make it stop, to keep that particular day locked in a box where it

couldn’t get to me anymore.

I had only been back from Pakistan for a few months, the twins were barely in their twenties, and I got

word I was headed to Iraq. My folks were freaking out, everyone wanted me to leave the army after this

deployment was over, but I was excited to go. Rule and Remy had moved out, Shaw was almost ready to

graduate, and being at home alone with my folks was boring. There was only so much of “Rule is terrible,

Remy is perfect, you’re a fool and could be doing something more important with your life” I could take.

I liked being in the army. I moved up the ranks fast. I was good with the other soldiers and had a

natural talent for taking the lead. When I was home I was just the oldest brother of the twins. It was all

always about the twins. Not that I didn’t love my brothers. Hell, I went to war to make sure they had a

safe and secure world to live in, but it got old just being the guy whose job it was to keep Rule in check

and to let Remy’s light shine. In the army I was Sergeant Archer. I was the one calling the shots. I was the

one running missions and I had an entire platoon of men and women to keep safe, not just two boys who

were opposite sides of the same troublemaking coin.

Mom insisted on a family dinner on my last night. I didn’t want to do it. Rule was always an ass to

everyone, and something was going on between Remy and Shaw. They had an odd relationship anyway.

They hardly ever touched, they acted more like girlfriends than a couple, and no matter how much they

said they were just best friends, there was something more going on there, I just knew it. I also couldn’t

figure out why when she thought no one was looking, Shaw was making goo-goo eyes at the wrong twin. It

all seemed complicated and trivial compared to what I had been dealing with day in and day out, so I was

not looking forward to it.

Dinner was as expected. Rule showed up with blue hair spiked up in every direction and sporting a

black eye. Remy was distracted and evasive, while Shaw seemed sullen and out of sorts. I did what I

always did and tried to play the middleman. I asked about Rule’s apprenticeship at the tattoo shop, I

talked to Remy about his new job, and grilled Shaw about getting ready to start her freshman year at

college. My folks let me be the intermediary, like they always did, while dropping not so subtle hints about

how much I was missed around the homestead. It was irritating and annoying, but I powered through

knowing I would be halfway around the world the same time tomorrow. We struggled through dinner and

then Remy made excuses for him and Shaw to go. Something was happening there but neither of them

seemed like they were in any hurry to share. The four of us walked outside after saying good night to my

parents and stood in the driveway. Rule gave me a hug and then punched me in the gut.

“Be safe. I’ll miss your grouchy ass. Check your e-mail more this time when you’re gone.”

I ruffled his stupid hair and punched him back. “Try and stay out of jail while I’m gone.”

He snorted. “What’s the fun in that?”

Shaw rolled her eyes and hugged me.

“I love you. Please come home in one piece. I’ll send you a million care packages.”

Rule drawled, “Send him porn.” Which made her glare at him and started them off on a childish

round of bickering.

Remy shook my hand and pounded me on the back. When he pulled back I swear I saw something

move across those pale eyes. I wanted to sit on him and make him talk to me, but there wasn’t any time.

“Be safe. Take care of yourself, Rome. This family couldn’t function without you.”

I laughed it off because he was the golden son. He was the one we all wanted to be like. I inclined my

head toward where Rule and Shaw were standing and arguing still.

“I’ll take care of me, you take care of them. Try and keep your idiot other half out of trouble.”

He just smiled somewhat sadly. “Which one?”

“Both of them.”

We all hugged again and I went back inside. The next morning I was back on my way to a different

desert and all of it was just mindless chatter that I forgot all about. I hit the ground running, went into

mission-critical mode and under total blackout as soon as I landed. I was doing reconnaissance with a

spec ops team for nearly two weeks before I had any kind of contact with the base.

They had been trying to reach me out in the field for three days before they managed to find someone

that could relay a critical message from home.

Remy was dead.

There was an accident. He crashed his car on the interstate and hadn’t made it. I was being granted

only a few days’ leave to get home for the funeral and then was expected back in proper fighting

condition.

I felt like someone had stuck a serrated knife right through the center of my chest.

Remy was the good one, the best of the three of us. He was kind, he was loving, he was careful, and

there was no way he was the one of us that was going to die before his time. Rule was going to get shot by

an angry boyfriend or piss off the wrong meat head at a bar. I was going to step on a land mine or get

taken out by enemy fire. There was no way it was Remy’s time.

I flew back in a daze. I couldn’t think, couldn’t feel. I was numb. I think that was how I missed my

mom going from being just distant and snappy to Rule into totally arctic freeze-out mode. We were all

sinking into a well of grief and despair for our own reasons and there was no way any of us could offer the

others a hand out.

All I could think was that I hadn’t even told him how much I loved him before I left. I had ordered him

to take care of Rule, always told him to watch out for his more difficult brother, but never said anything