Sacred and Profane (21 page)

“I don’t know. I guess if you want to debase yourself, you don’t do it in high style.”

The old man smiled.

“So, my friend, I enjoy talking to you, but this is not a confessional. I am a teacher. If you want to learn, I will teach you. If you want to ruminate upon the meaning of life,” Schulman pointed upward, “talk to Him.”

“I nearly got blown up today, Rabbi. A bomb went off and I was saved by seconds. I thought it might be a good time to pause for reflection. I sat for two hours tonight and prayed, Rabbi. I prayed and meditated and contemplated and came up with this. Today notwithstanding, there are times when I feel God is omnipresent. I feel Him everywhere I go, in everything I do. And there are times I think there’s nothing in the skies but an ozone layer. I’m not an agnostic. I’m not waiting for God to come down and prove His existence to me, because sometimes I just know He’s out there. I can’t explain why
I feel so strongly one minute and like a total atheist the next. In short, sometimes I have doubts.”

The old man looked at him impassively and extended his hand across the desktop.

“Join the club, Peter.”

“I know it’s
late,” Decker said. “I won’t stay long.”

Rina stood at the threshold of the open door, then stepped aside and let him in.

“Did you learn with Rav Schulman tonight?”

“A little.”

She stood with her arms folded across her chest with that
look
in her eyes. Decker had seen it umpteen times in Jan. What was it? Hostility? Contempt? Injury? Probably a little of all three.

“Do you have any coffee handy?” he asked.

“I’ll make some.”

“Don’t bother.”

Defiance suddenly vanished from her face. Replacing it was sadness. His heart sank. He could deal with her anger, but not with her melancholy. He felt like a total ass.

“It’s no bother,” she said softly. “Would you like something to eat?”

The muscles in his throat tightened. He answered her with a shake of the head. As she started to the kitchen, he called out her name. His voice cracked.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Forget about the coffee,” he said. “Come sit down.”

She did as he requested.

“I brought you a peace offering.” He held out a flat,
square package wrapped in gold embossed paper, but she didn’t take it.

“Go on,” he urged. “It’s not much, but it’s a start.”

Slowly she extended her hand.

“Open it.”

Methodically picking apart the paper, she exposed a sterling silver picture frame.

“Thank you,” she said, barely audible.

He took the frame from her.

“Should be the right size. Where’s the picture, Rina?”

Walking over to her kitchen, she pulled out a drawer and handed him the wedding photo. Decker slid it between the backing and the glass, clamped the closure pins shut, and hung it on its old spot on the wall.

“Much better,” he said. “Actually, I think the picture looks nicer in this frame. You notice it more.”

She said nothing.

“I’ll go now.”

Tears spilled over her lower lashes and down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry for this morning, Rina,” he said softly. “I acted like a madman.”

“I never knew the picture bothered you, Peter.” She pulled out a tissue and wiped her eyes. “Of course, I don’t know too much about you, do I?”

The anger was back.

“What do you want to know?” he asked calmly.

“Come back next week. I’ll have a questionnaire made up.”

“I don’t blame you for sniping at me, Rina, but it really isn’t getting us anywhere.”

“Why did you come here tonight?”

“To apologize.”

“Well, you’ve done that.”

“You say you want me to talk to you. Now I’m trying, but it doesn’t appear to do any good.”

“Maybe I’m too angry.” She lowered her head. “Maybe I’m too hurt.”

“I should have told you about my adoption. But believe me, Rina, it wasn’t stubbornness that held me back. I didn’t want to misrepresent myself to you. Call myself Jewish when I really didn’t know what it meant.”

“I’m not stupid, Peter. I know how hard it is to live this kind of life. I mean it’s not hard for me—I love it. But for someone not brought up like this, there are restrictions—”

“A lot of restrictions.”

“You don’t believe in any of it, do you?”

“I don’t know,” he confessed. “I think some of the laws are nonsense.”

“Such as?”

“The separation of sexes. Women are considered chattels—”

“That’s not true.”

“Honey, your
ketubah
is nothing more than a sales receipt. Your husband bought you.”

“It’s not that simple.”

He waited for clarification.

“I don’t want to get into a religious discourse right now, Peter. Why don’t you talk to Rav Schulman about it? He could explain it better than I could.”

“Yes, the good
rav
does seem to have an answer for everything. And when there’s no answer, he tells me to take it on blind faith. That’s not the answer I’m looking for.”

“What are you looking for? A neat little solution? You won’t find it.”

“Then why bother concocting religion, Rina? Why not
say things are just random? Sometimes they work out well, sometimes they don’t.”

“Because that’s a very bleak outlook on life. I don’t believe we are just some random Darwinian mutation…that in a million years we’ll be giant brains resting on vestigial bodies. I don’t believe that at all. Judaism is more than just a series of blind beliefs, Peter—or a concoction. It’s history. The
chumash
isn’t cute little fables; it’s a family chronicle of my ancestors—
your
ancestors. When I immerse myself in the mikvah, I think: this is what Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel, and Leah did thousands of years ago. Torah is timeless.

“I don’t understand why my husband died at twenty-eight of a brain tumor. I don’t understand why I miscarried three times. I could curse the world and reject God, but then what is my alternative? To believe in a world that is ruled by laws solely conceived by
human beings
? Laws that can be altered at the whim of a crazy man? That’s what happened in Nazi Germany, Peter. The country had a constitution. It had laws. You saw how seriously the people took them.”

He had no answer.

“Torah law is irrevocable, Peter, because it is
divine
. That’s not to say Judaism is a static religion; it isn’t at all. But the Ten Commandments are the Ten Commandments. They aren’t going to change just because some guru goes on a talk show and says it’s okay to commit adultery. I believe in Torah because its truths are absolute.”

“I’ve always envied the faith you have in your religion,” Decker said.

“It’s your religion, too.”

He shook his head. “Maybe it will be, but it isn’t now. Look at it through my eyes, Rina. My Jewish parents dumped me. My Baptist parents raised me, loved me.”

She faced him, took his hand. “Are you resentful?”

“Not really. My mother was a kid—fifteen. I couldn’t—can’t—blame her for what she did. It isn’t resentment that holds me back from Judaism, Rina. It’s belief. I’m not even sure I believe in God; I certainly don’t believe in structured religion. I’d like to feel the same way you do about Judaism, but I can’t. At least I can’t right now.”

“That’s going to cause problems for us.”

“I know,” he said wearily. “So where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know.”

“Swell.”

“I know what I
should
do,” she said quietly. “I should tell you to leave me.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Not leave forever, but maybe for a year or longer if you need it. Study Torah. Learn what it is to be a Torah Jew. See if you don’t change your mind. I love you. I’ll wait for you.”

“A year?”

“It’s not that long. Rabbi Akiva left his wife for twenty-four years to study Torah.”

“A
year
?” He shook his head. “Honey, perhaps this is a very unspiritual thing to say, but I would find it extremely difficult to remain celibate for an entire year.”

She lowered her head.

“I know. I thought of that, but I don’t know what else we can do.”

“I love you, Rina. I’m not going to find anyone I’d love more. That I know. And I know you feel the same way about me.”

“I do.”

He sighed, then blurted out, “Let’s get married. We’ll work it out over time.”

“Peter, if you were a Torah Jew, I’d marry you tomorrow. But feeling as you do about Orthodoxy, it would be suicide for us to marry. We’ve both been married before. You know that marriage doesn’t reduce differences, it magnifies them.”

“I can accept you as being religious,” said Decker. “I wouldn’t interfere. All you have to do is accept me for what I am.”

“It wouldn’t work.”

“It could if you’d let it.”

“No, it couldn’t.”

“Damn it, Rina,” he said sharply. “If you loved me, you could find a way!”

Burying her face in her hands, she started to cry. Decker pulled her into his arms and let her sob on his shoulder.

Shit!

“I’d do anything for you, honey, you know that. But I can’t help the way I feel.”

Her response was to cry harder while hugging him tightly. Acid churned in his belly and his temples began to throb. He started to take masochistic pleasure in how lousy he felt. Everything in his life was going rotten, and he marveled at his reverse Midas touch.

“Honey, I love you. I want to marry you. I just don’t think I’ll ever be the type of religious person you want me to be. If you can live with that, there’s no problem.”

She said nothing.

“But you can’t live with that, can you?”

“I’d never give up this life—”

“I’m not asking you to give it up. I’m asking you to respect me for what I am.”

She didn’t answer.

They sat in silence, neither one sure what to say. The tension increased. Finally Decker couldn’t take it.

“How’re Jakey’s nightmares?” he asked.

“They’re still pretty frequent,” said Rina quietly.

“Maybe you should take him to see someone,” suggested Decker.

Rina flashed him a look of hostility.

“I know what’s best for my child, thank you,” she said.

“I’d better go home,” Decker said. “We don’t seem to be getting anywhere.”

“We’re not going to get anywhere if you leave every time things aren’t going great.”

Decker clenched his jaw and took out a cigarette. He stuffed it between his lips, lit it, and inhaled deeply.

“You want me to say the obvious? I’ll say the obvious,” he said, blowing out a plume of smoke. “We’ve reached an impasse. I think it might be best if we saw other people.”

Her eyes filled.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“I don’t like it.”

The room was quiet for a minute. Rina broke it.

“If you and I were to…to maybe stop seeing each other, would you still learn with the rabbi?” Rina asked.

“No,” Decker answered.

“You mean you’re not interested in this kind of life at all?”

“No,” he answered. “I’m not—at least, not now.”

“So if you stopped seeing me, you’d stop being religious?”

“Yes.”

“But if we were to marry, would you be religious to please me?”

“Probably in the beginning. Then, quite honestly, I could see myself giving it up. But I’d never interfere with your beliefs.”

“It would be a very hypocritical example for the boys.
How could I espouse religion to them if I go ahead and marry an irreligious man?”

“I suppose there’s a grain of truth to that.”

She sat motionless.

“I think I’m meeting you halfway, Rina.
I’m
willing to let you live your life. If you just wouldn’t be so rigid—”

“I have no choice!” she exclaimed. “I’m not going to be a hypocrite. I want my husband to be religious. What is so wrong with that?”

“Nothing. But that’s not me.” Decker sighed. “Look, we’re both really confused at the moment. Maybe we need a little time to ourselves, a temporary breather from each other—”

“I don’t want to see anyone else,” she answered.

“Maybe I don’t want to either,” he said. “But I want to keep the option open…just in case…So we both know the score.”

She stared at the wall and didn’t answer. Decker waited a few more minutes. When she remained silent, he got up and left.

“Somebody didn’t like us poking around,” Marge said to Decker.

It was nine o’clock Friday morning. She was sitting on his desk, sipping coffee. Decker had his feet propped up on his desk, hands behind neck, and eyes on the ceiling.

“Or somebody may have wanted to destroy evidence,” she added.

“Then why place a bomb in the front part of the studio?” he asked. “Place it in the underground room. I think it was a warning. Anyone seriously wanting us out of the way could have done so by now. I’ve got a call in to
Culver City PD. We should know more as soon as they dissect the remains of the bomb.”

“Watch your ass, Pete.”

“I intend to.”

Mike Hollander walked up to Decker and placed a manila envelope on his desk. The return address was from a Dr. Arnold Meisner.

“As requested, Rabbi,” Hollander said. “Fresh off the press.”

“Please quit calling me rabbi.”

Hollander looked at him. “Go get a night’s sleep, Pete.”

“Who the hell is Arnold Meisner?” Marge asked.

“A doctor who used to work under Dustin Pode’s pediatrician,” Hollander said. “When the old man died, Meisner took over the practice. He was kind enough to dig up those records for us.”

“How’d you find out Pode’s pediatrician?” Decker asked.

“I asked Dustin,” Hollander answered.

Decker laughed.

“The direct approach,” he said.

“Don’t know any other kind,” said Hollander. “Dusty Pooh was so busy defending his father—calling the raid entrapment—I think the question was a relief. Something he could answer truthfully.”

“What do you want with his medical charts?” Marge asked Decker.

“I’m a sucker for theoretical models,” he said. “I’m looking for bed-wetting. It usually goes along with fire-starting…and cruelty to animals.”

“The old psychopathic triad,” Hollander said.

“The old psychopathic triad,” repeated Decker, flipping through pages. Marge peered over his shoulder.

“I don’t like to have someone reading over me,” Decker said curtly.

“
Excuse
me,” Marge backed away.

Decker laughed. “Sorry. I’ve been a real son of a bitch lately and I make no excuses for it. My life is going shitty.”

“Not that I’m trying to meddle, but—”

“Then don’t.”

“Geez,” Marge said. “I’ll give you a pair of tweezers to take the hair out of your ass, Pete.”

He smiled and concentrated on the page in front of him.

“Any bed-wetting?” Marge asked.

“Not so far.” Decker read for a while. When he finished, he reread the chart again. “No bed-wetting,” he announced at last.

“Oh well,” said Marge. “Everything’s always perfect in theory.”

“No bed-wetting, but you know what I see here?”

“What?” inquired Hollander.

“A hell of a lot of cuts and burns in weird places. And a whole lot of broken bones.”