Saint's Sacrament - Sins of the Father (107 page)

“He put his all into it. Before you knew it, though you were totally capable, he bought you two a new house to live in together, gave you everything you wanted. Not a moment to lose—knocked your ass up, making the shit permanent. Then, as reality hit him of the gravity of the situation, fear set in. Men are dangerous when we are afraid, Stacey...”

He let the words linger, steep inside of her like simmering tea leaves in scalding water.

“Fear drove him to start pushing you away, Stacey. He was afraid things wouldn’t stay happy, just as they were right then and there. He can’t handle anything other than the fairytale, but real life is no damn fairytale! There are no fairies to sprinkle pretty dust on our fucked up lives like sugar on a donut.”

He paused and gauged her, made sure she was still following. She definitely was...

“He was worried. He was thinking, ‘She is going to leave,’ meaning
you
. ‘She is going to start to hate me. She will cheat on me, just like I’ve cheated on every single woman I’ve ever been with, even the ones I loved.’ Jared is a low vibration mothafucka!”

His words echoed in the room, bringing Stacey to full alertness. She clutched her chest and sunk deeper into her seat.

“Everything he likes and does is some sneaky underhanded type shit. He doesn’t want to read or learn. He did just enough to get that business and media degree and he never evolved past that. His spiritual growth is still that of a damn newborn, Stacey! You’ve been babysitting this entire time and didn’t even know it. Then...the
real
baby was born.” Saint leaned back and slapped his knee. “He saw the God in him, then! You sacrificed for him, proved yourself, but he’d never stop testing you. He never stopped wondering if you’d run away so he pushed and pushed and pushed. After you gave birth to that baby, you gave him a fairytale again...just like he wanted. Things got better because emotions were high—everything that he was
not
, that baby was! Pure. Good. Real. Honest!”

He watched Stacey begin to cry again as the truth started to settle in her soul, her acceptance hugging the dreadful, stinking veracity.

“He thought, ‘Well shit, I may really be able to do this, make a go of it. Pull this shit off!’” Saint said as he changed his voice to sound more like Jared’s, higher in pitch and lazy in tone. “He wanted to, but low vibration mothafuckas can’t! They have to stick it out, because relapses are a given, part of the process, but it is so much easier to slither on the damned ground than to try and stand up on one’s own two feet and be a damn man. He created life with you! And in that happy moment, he said, ‘Let’s get married, baby, let’s make this official!’ And you were happy because, although you hadn’t said it to him, you didn’t want a child out of wedlock and you were eagerly awaiting him to pop the question.”

Saint was truly sorry for how he had to do this, but it was the only way. His measures were effective. Speak with fact, sympathize but don’t pamper.  Show the person what the real deal is, make them look at it and see it for what it truly is.

“Then,” Saint shrugged, “as time continued on, the reality of parenthood seeped in. The shit is hard. Children are hard work. They need you, twenty-four seven. Your entire life changes. You are no longer free to do and say whatever the hell you want. No more racing around the house naked, no more spontaneous sex. You gotta wait until the baby is asleep or preoccupied and even then, it has to be fast before they get wind that you’re gone.”

He couldn’t help but notice the grin on her face as she nodded in agreement.

“The child becomes the center of the relationship, versus the original two people who created that child. He didn’t know what hit him! He felt like he was just staking his claim, making sure no one else got you and buying himself some security. Then, he realized he’d made his life harder and he didn’t like the tradeoff. You were now in love with someone else, too, that little girl. He didn’t seize the beauty of the moment—he only noticed what he’d lost!”

Stacey gripped her knee with her left hand, the veins under the skin of her hand protruding as she absorbed the information. She balled her other hand in a fist and brought it to her mouth, sunk her teeth in it, and looked straight ahead as Saint continued to speak to her, as if repressing a primal yell of anger.

“Stacey, you haven’t lost your crown because you gave your heart to a court jester. This whole time you were focused on how do you ‘fix this’. Fix what?! You can’t fix a relationship unless
both
people want to be restored, or better yet, repaired because restoring Jared would simply give you the façade, the bullshit that he sold you when he first came on the scene. You don’t know who the
real
Jared is, and nor does he! All of this shit he laid at your feet was a mere illusion. Now, before I go on, did you have any questions?” He paused, catching his breath. He felt a bit thirsty but didn’t dare leave her side just yet.

“You keep saying low vibration, and I’ve read that in two of your books. What exactly does that mean though?” She sniffed as she turned and stared at him. “I’m sorry, I just don’t—”

“No, I’m glad you asked. Sometimes when I speak, I make assumptions that the person I am talking to knows what the hell I’m speaking about.” They exchanged smiles. “When I speak of a low vibration, I am talking about a person that is two dimensional. They don’t try to get to know themselves. They don’t question why they do the things they do and they don’t foster steps to change and improve. For example, they’re people who ate the same way they did since, say, the age of twelve. Cheeseburgers and fries, all day, every day… That is what they feed their spirit, cheeseburgers and fries instead of food for thought, instead of true knowledge of self and trying to be better. We have to seek graduation in our life. Some of us are still in preschool.”

Stacey nodded as she sat a bit closer to him.

“We watch a bunch of garbage television. We read a bunch of tabloids and gossip. The only music we want to listen to is shit about money, cars and hoes. We don’t go anywhere that doesn’t resemble a club or house party. It’s just madness! Insanity is normal when we are low vibration creatures. Low vibration creatures are purely sexual. They don’t know what making love means, nor how to do it. They only fuck. They don’t understand what creating life means—they just bust nuts or get pregnant. Low vibration people knock others for their hustle and growth; they are crabs in a barrel. They don’t want normalcy. They sometimes
believe
they do, but they really don’t because the closer they draw to normalcy and growth, they buck against it. We are born at our highest level. We have to spend the rest of our lives trying to get there again but what low vibration people do is only mimic the childlike behaviors. When I say born at our highest level, I am talking about spiritually. We are completely clean. We know our Creator, we don’t deny him, and we know what our spirit needs. Babies inside the womb are the wisest.”

He paused and slid his index finger over his brow as he thought about his own three children.

“As that first hunger outside of the womb sets in, we then know our flesh exists. Everything before that, our mother and our Creator took care of. Once that first thirst sets in, like a vampire, it is the beginning of the end. Are you following me, Stacey?”

Stacey sat back, crossed her legs and smiled. “Yes, I do. You are an incredible person, Saint. As I’ve watched you and Xenia over the years, I was happy that I was so wrong about you…you don’t even know. I could tell how much you love her. My girl thinks the world of you and,” her eyes welled with tears, “she deserves you.”

“Stacey, you deserve a good man, too,” Saint said. “I just hate to tell you, but Jared isn’t him—at least not in his current state. He has to evolve. Now, if this situation were different, if you were both on the same vibration, or at least close vibrations and wanting the same things, and he’d just lost his way, I’d encourage you to fight for your relationship. It is important to fight for relationships and marriages where both people genuinely love one another; they’ve just run into a rough patch or are being challenged. The fact of the matter is that Jared was
never
serious, in his heart. When we do things based on fear, they never last.”

“I wholeheartedly agree with that, Saint. I’ve seen it too many times.” She exhaled. “Not just in my own life, but with people around me, too.”

“If he’d proposed to you because he loved you and couldn’t see his life without you, then the current situation wouldn’t be happening. You’d already be married or he at least wouldn’t have called the wedding off. He has weighed his pros and cons and feels that the grass is greener. He wants to remain a free agent, a single man. His behavior reflects this. Our actions as men, Stacey, you have to watch. The hell with what we say. What we
do
tells you the most and when our words match our actions, well, then you know you are dealin’ with the real deal.”

“Saint, I think he has been cheating on me too, just like you said earlier. I believe this. I can just feel it. He is covering his tracks real well though. I haven’t seen it but—”

“You already
know
he is messing around on you, Stacey. You
know
this. You don’t need to run in on him smashin’ another woman in your very own bed. You know the truth in your heart.” He pointed to her chest. “He is doing one of two things right now, and I’m not trying to delve into your private sex life but let me tell you, when we men cheat, and we have a girlfriend or wife, this is what happens in our bedrooms because of it.” He cleared his throat and counted off his fingers. “We either—one, become very adventurous in bed, outside of our normal character. We suddenly want you to try new things when previously nothing in our personality would warrant such a change in behavior. Either someone is sexually adventurous, or they aren’t and if they change, it happens gradually, not overnight.”

“And the second one?”

“The sex goes the other route. This is what happens. One way is the frequency decreases significantly. Another way is we have trouble ejaculating; we can’t seem to reach the finish line. A third way is we become soft during the act of intercourse often and the fourth way is, it stops altogether. Now, ruling out medical factors, that’s the deal. That is how we operate. It is a byproduct from being a low vibration individual. Every time we do something out of our custom-made soul programming, because we have free will, every time we act against the path designed for us, every time we act
out
instead of giving
in
love, we rack up karmic debt and destroy a small bit of ourselves, one piece at a time. Our dicks will either want you more, or want you less—but we will
not
keep the same tempo as we did before the affair started if it lasts long enough. We can’t.”

“Can I ask you something personal?”

“Of course. What is it?”

“Are you speaking from experience? In all that I read about you, you were forthcoming with your own personal life, but I never read about you cheating, yet you must’ve since you know so much about this.”

Saint paused and reflected. “Well, no, I never cheated, as strange as that sounds considering that at one point in time, I was definitely operating from a lower vibration. I told every woman I was with that we would not be monogamous. I had no desire to be monogamous for quite some time. That didn’t stop attachments from forming and I’ve stated many times that I’ve had exclusive relationships, but they were open; meaning, I would have a girlfriend, but she was told from the jump that I would also be with other women sexually. To me, this was normal behavior but it was far from normal and it cost me valuable time from finding Xenia.”

“I see, I understand. So, when a man is cheating and racking up this karmic debt you speak of, what exactly is happening?”

“When we are inside multiple women at one given time, those energies transfer over to the point that we recoil from our steady, from wifey, or we have to do the same thing to her as we are experiencing with the other woman, or women. We have to treat her just the same, or vastly different. It is a way of doing checks and balances, but it is never even, it is never fair.”

This mothafucka right here! Tell me that mothafucka ain
’t smashin’ another broad...tell me you gettin’ the same type of dick you always got, Stacey. You’re not...

“You’re right.” She shook her head in amazement and crossed her arms over her breasts, holding herself tightly as she bit her bottom lip and shook her head—anger written all over her face.

“As a man, I have no problem telling you how we think and why we do the things we do. All men are different, just as all women are, but we are all human and when we work from a lower plain, our actions are simplistic, predictable and universal. It’s like all people laugh, all people cry, regardless of their race, beliefs, customs. It is in us to do both because those are basic human reactions to the world around us. That is why it is quite easy for me to tell you what he had and hasn’t been doing. No, I didn’t cheat, but I wasn’t better than him, in fact, I was worse because I believed disclosing my intentions would somehow ward off any karmic debt and protect the women I was engaging with. I knew better, deep down I did, but I still did it because I was selfish.”

“I love that you can air your dirty laundry and be comfortable about it.”