Sapphire and Shadow (A Woman's Life) (37 page)

Joshua!

She jerked and turned her head toward him.

He was awake. He had been for some time, but had been reluctant to move, not wanting to disturb her. He liked watching her sleep. She looked innocent, sweet. Untroubled.

Joshua ran his fingers along her lips. “Good morning.” He saw the startled look that had entered her eyes as sleep quickly faded. He was determined not to let her withdraw from him. “Sleep well?”

She felt awkward, embarrassed. She knew she shouldn’t. She hadn’t been last night. But her feelings about him, about the relationship that seemed to be swallowing her up so quickly, were too strong for her to be at ease. She didn’t know where to look. She didn’t know what to do. He was naked beneath the sheet, as was she. Heat radiated through her. There was less than a hair’s breath between them. Her heart began to hammer as she tried to think of something to say. Her mind was a total blank.

“Yes, I—“

“You were beautiful last night.”

She pulled at the sheet, wanting to cover herself. The warm glow within her was at odds with an attack of raging embarrassment.

Joshua put his hand lightly on hers, a gentle protest at her belated modesty. “Don’t hide from me, Johanna.”

She knew that he wasn’t just referring to the sheet. He meant more. He had seen it in her eyes. Her fear of involvement. Her fear of being hurt again. Was she so transparent? Well, if she was, then he’d already know and understand her reasons. “Joshua, I can’t give you what you want.”

Firmly, he uncurled her hand from the sheet and waited until it relaxed beneath his. “Yes, you can.”

He was going to make her cry. She didn’t want to lose what she had felt last night, but she couldn’t let herself believe that it was more than a wonderful illusion, a scene that had been played out and was now over. To believe more would be putting herself on the line again. But, oh God, she did so want to believe. “I don’t believe in happy ever after.”

He smoothed the hair back from her face. “Try.”

Struggling, she found strength from somewhere. “No. I can’t face any more problems or heartache. I’m sorry, but I’ve been through all that once before. I won’t do that to myself again. I won’t risk it.”

He thought he was going to lose his patience. How was he going to convince her? He cursed Harry’s soul to hell. He was still there between them, even in bed, a specter Joshua couldn’t exorcise. But he would. By God, he’d find a way.

“Without risk, what is there?”

This time, she did pull the sheet up higher, tucking it above her breasts. She didn’t look at him. “I have my work, my daughter.”

“Work is a poor substitute to take to bed with you at night, Johanna.” Wanting to drag her mouth to his again, he satisfied himself with merely touching her face with his fingertips. “And Jocelyn will be on her own soon enough. Then what’ll you have?”

When he touched her like that, it was hard to think, to remember. “I’ll join a volunteer group.” She dragged her hand through her hair and let it fall heavily. “What do you want from me?”

“No more than I know you’re capable of giving, Johanna.”

She shook her head, fighting back tears. She wanted to, God knew she wanted to. But fear held her captive.

It would do no good to press. What he won could easily be lost. “We’ll take it slow. One day at a time and see where it goes.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “I’m not about to develop fangs and grow hairy at a full moon, Johanna. What you see,” he spread his arms, “is what you get.”

It was certainly a lot, she thought, a smile slipping to her lips. She had never realized just how well built he was. She had known him once, worked with him now, and hadn’t realized that there were hard muscles beneath the jeans and pullovers. He was magnificent.

But that didn’t alter the situation.

“You’re making it awfully hard for me to stand firm, Joshua.”

He caressed her cheek, his touch unbearably gentle. “I plan to make it damn impossible, Johanna.” His lips feathered lightly across hers, his tongue outlining them softly. “Damn impossible.”

“Oh God,” she groaned, her body leaning into his. Her arms went around his neck and the sheet tangled between them before he kicked it away.

This time, the lovemaking was slower, richer, deeper than it had been. This time, they both knew the extent of the ecstasy that waited for them. And yet it was a surprise all over again. The wealth of feeling they evoked from one another overwhelmed them both. He had loved her, been in love with her for years and now fell total victim to her. In trying to ensnare the woman, he was that much more hopelessly caught himself.

Colors flashed beneath her closed eyes, such colors that her breath was snatched away. Her head swam and the joy that jumped through her veins made it inconceivable that anyone had ever felt this before or would ever again.

She found that she was the eager one as her body heated instantly at his kiss.
 
This time she wanted to catch the brass ring quickly in her hands.

But Joshua wouldn’t let her. “Enjoy,” he murmured against her throat. “We have all the time in the world. We have forever.”

If only she could believe that. If only it were true.

How could anyone feel like this and still function, she wondered, still think? She was in a daze, and yet somehow aware of every single sensation that he brought to her, like a fresh bouquet of meadow flowers. A rainbow.

Her blood felt hot as he suckled at her breast. She entwined her fingers into his hair, pressing him against her, urging him on. His tongue just barely grazed her navel. Spasms seized her stomach as anticipation quivered throughout her body.

She even fooled herself into thinking that it would be different this time. For a time.

When Johanna went to pick up Jocelyn, Joshua insisted on coming along with her. She knew that she should face her daughter alone and yet was grateful for the moral support he provided.

“I like bringing a friend into the enemy camp,” she laughed nervously as they walked into the stylish co-op where Mary lived on Second Avenue.

He nodded at the security guard as they walked to the elevator. “Jocelyn doesn’t think of you as the enemy.”

Johanna punched the button, her only outward sign of tension. “She’s not too crazy about me right now.”

He kissed her temple. “That’ll pass. I’m crazy enough about you for both of us.”

She clutched the words to her breast as they entered the elevator. The way he said “us” to include Jocelyn made her heart swell. If Harry had never entered her life, she knew that there would be no measuring the joy she could be capable of feeling. She would blindly go into this relationship, thinking it absolutely perfect. But Harry had entered, had been the one whom she had fashioned dreams around, only to have them crushed by the very person she trusted so implicitly.

Once burned, twice leery, she thought. And so weary.

Mary answered the door on the first ring. “C’mon in, you two. Jocelyn’s waiting.” She stepped back, vaguely gesturing into her apartment.

The gray clay-tiled foyer echoed her footsteps. “How is she?” Johanna asked, dropping her voice.

Mary shut the door. “Scared.”

Adrenaline jumped, pumping hard through her veins. “Did anything—?”

Mary placed a gentling hand on her sister’s arm. “No, nothing like that. Nothing happened to her last night while she was wandering around.”

Linking arms with Johanna, Mary stepped down into the sunken living room. The apartment had large windows that offered a breathtaking view of the city. The high ceiling, sparse furnishings and light-colored walls made the room look much larger than it was.

“Then why—?”

“I think you’d better hash this out yourselves.” Mary let her go and turned toward Joshua. “So, handsome, can I interest you in a glass of orange juice?”

“With pulp?”

Mary’s smile was brilliant. It reminded him of Johanna’s. “Is there any other kind?” She guided him toward the door on the extreme left side, leaving Johanna standing in the living room, looking down at Jocelyn.

The girl sat on the sofa, her legs pulled up under her, her face averted. She looked small, lost, defiant.

Johanna felt hurt. How could Jocelyn do this to her? How could she have put her through this? She wanted to yell, to shake her, to cry. She knew that none of this would work. Slowly, she approached Jocelyn and saw her stiffen and become even more aloof-looking than she already was. For a moment, Johanna hesitated, then sat down beside her daughter.

Jocelyn’s pride and fear gave way to the need to be held, comforted. She raised her eyes to her mother’s face, waiting. Hoping.

“You scared me to death, Jocey. I thought something had happened to you.”

“Would it have mattered?” the small voice asked, thick with tears that were held back.

Johanna took hold of Jocelyn’s shoulders and stared at her face. “Are you crazy? Of course it would have mattered. You are the only, only thing, the only person,” she corrected herself, “that matters in my life. I love you, Jocelyn.”

Jocelyn pressed her lips together and nodded her head,

her eyes shimmering with tears. It was what she needed to hear.

With care, Johanna pulled her close. Jocelyn put her head on her mother’s shoulder, needing the contact. “Why did you run away from me?”

“I wanted to go before you left me, too.”

Johanna raised her head to look into Jocelyn’s face. “Too?”

Jocelyn swallowed. The lump in her throat was enormous. “Like you left Dad.”

“Oh, honey,” she cried, stroking Jocelyn’s hair that was wet with her tears. “I left Dad because he wasn’t the man I married and because I was afraid that if I stayed, he’d destroy us.”

“And if I changed?” There was a challenge and a plea in her voice.

Johanna hugged her daughter close and kissed the top of her head. “I’d fight like hell to make you unchanged.”

“Promise?”

She laughed, with tears falling freely down her cheeks. She didn’t bother brushing them aside, but let them fall. “Promise.”

Mother and daughter hugged and cried, and washed away the residue of the battle with tears.

“Well,” Joshua said, reentering the room, “is everything okay?”

Jocelyn nodded. She dug the heels of her hands into her eyes, quickly brushing aside tears. She didn’t want to be caught crying in front of Joshua.

He crossed to them and ruffled Jocelyn’s hair, pretending not to see the tear-streaked cheeks or swollen eyes. “Good move, Jocelyn. You made her get a few gray hairs.”

Johanna’s hand automatically moved to her head. “I did not.” She knew he was teasing, but couldn’t resist playing along.

“Mothers always get gray hair when their kids run off.” He sat down next to Jocelyn. The look on his face was serious, though not stern. His meaning was clear. There would be no lectures from him and no repeat performances from her. “Your mother doesn’t look too hot in gray.” He took a sip of orange juice, finishing the glass. “Clear?”

Jocelyn nodded.

“Okay.” He braced his hands on his knees and rose. “Let’s all go out for breakfast. My treat.”

Mary was already pulling her ermine jacket from the closet in the foyer. “Don’t let this one get away, Jo.” She and Joshua exchanged grins.

Johanna felt a quavering in her stomach as she got up. She remembered Joshua’s words to her this morning and told herself that it was the only way to go. One day at a time. What she had rebuilt within her was frail, hanging on by a thread. She had gotten back her self-esteem and found that she could make it on her own. She didn’t want to jeopardize all that by pledging her heart in a relationship that would one day blow up in her face.

Yet not pledging her heart would eventually cost her Joshua.

Silently, she linked her hand with Jocelyn’s and followed the others out the door.

Damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.

Chapter Thirty-nine

October threaded its way quickly into November. The weather, for New York, was mild. There was no cold snap and snow seemed a long way off.

It was hard, Johanna thought, watching the kite inch its way up into the brilliant blue sky, on a day like today to imagine that winter and Christmas were just around the corner, although the stores were certainly prepared for it. Bright decorations and holiday merchandise were highly visible. Garland and brilliant Christmas lights were everywhere, entangled between the street signs, greeting the citizenry and reminding people that for a few short weeks at the tail end of the calendar, everyone was supposed to love everyone else.

Joshua, she noticed, pleased, had gotten caught up in the season and had given in to the race to celebrate Christmas earlier and longer. Two weeks shy of Thanksgiving and he had Kathy hang mistletoe in the gallery. Johanna knew there was an ulterior motive behind that. One she cherished.

It gave her an excuse to kiss him.

She loved being kissed by him, she thought. Power, passion, gentleness, they were all there whenever his lips touched hers. And standing beneath the mistletoe, she was safe. She could shrug off her willingness to be kissed, to be bathed in the sensations that were created, by saying that it was all in keeping with the Christmas season. And she could pretend that the feelings behind the kisses that were exchanged were nothing more serious or binding than her just getting caught up in the spirit of the holidays.

A group of children moved past them, huddled together like a gaggle of geese, their teacher at the head and several harried mothers in attendance at the sides and the end. They were evidently headed for the zoo, Johanna thought. That would probably be Joshua’s next stop.

She turned and grinned at him now. He was lying faceup a few feet away from her, propped up on his elbows, totally engrossed in what he was doing. The concentration he was displaying could have been the kind merited by a major undertaking. Joshua was flying a kite.

He was dressed in a cream-colored fisherman’s sweater and his ever-present jeans. His dark hair tousled, he looked like a boy on a holiday. Leaning back on his elbows, his long legs stretched out before him on the grass, he held the kite string in a steady hand. Jocelyn was next to him, purely fascinated.