Sasha: The Awakening (The Wallflower Series Book 2) (10 page)

“And you ask me: what do I want? I want to know why! Why can’t you even admit that you have a daughter- me! Why did you leave me?”

Janelle stood there, listening to Sasha’s tirade with her hands resting impatiently on her hips. Her mouth was set into a deep frown, and at the end of it all, as Sasha waited desperately for her response she rolled her eyes and sighed.

“You did not just come to my doorstep and give me some sob story about your goddamn life like I’m supposed to give a damn. I don’t know who the hell you are, but I’ll make something clear right now: I am not the one! As I said before- I don’t have a daughter. The minute I gave her up she was no longer mine, she was the state’s. Plain and simple. So, if you have a problem with the way you were brought up, maybe you should take it up with the fucking government because I don’t have time for this shit.”

Sasha released a shuddered breath. “You don’t have time? So, nothing has changed. I wasn’t worth your time then and I am not now, huh? Is that it?”

“Congratulations, you finally get it!”

In that moment, Sasha’s mind became flooded with memories of her mother’s cruelty even as a child. The woman had never showed her an ounce of affection. Attention was reserved for those instances she was slapped and punished for the slightest mistake. And she wondered to herself, why had she wanted to meet a woman like this again? Why had she wanted someone who abused and abandoned her back into her life?

“I do get it…but I didn’t just come here for answers, which you apparently don’t feel the need to provide, I came here for family. I thought that I would give you the chance to explain yourself instead of spending the rest of my life hating you. Well, congratulations, you just made me hate you even more. You say I’m not worth
your
time? No, you aren’t worth
mine.
Because, you see, even after you did all those things to hurt me, I’m still here. And I’m stronger than I ever thought I would ever be. And that was all because I survived without you. So, thank you for doing me a favor. I’ll be sure to thank the government too.”

Without a word of goodbye, Sasha turned and walked down the stone steps that led to Janelle’s dwelling. She was halted however by her mother’s screams,

“What are you doing? Get back here!”

Curious as to whom her mother was referring to, Sasha turned to find the old man stumbling out of the house in her direction with an intent look upon his face. On guard, she watched as he finally stood before, breathing heavily and his eyes scouring her face and body as if he hadn’t seen her merely minutes before.

“I-I can’t believe it.” He whispered in awe. Janelle appeared behind him, tugging on his arms for him to return back to the house. “I haven’t seen you since you were in diapers.”

Sasha looked upon him questioningly, wondering if he would end up sending her away in the same fashion as her mother. But, he didn’t. Instead, he grasped her shoulders between his palms and pulled her into his sweaty chest. Sasha couldn’t help wrinkling her nose at the stained wife beater now pressed against her cheek.

Eventually, he released her again and she quickly took a step back. “I never thought I’d see you again after Janelle sent you away. But look at you! You look like them rich folk downtown. Seems you did better off without us, eh?”

Sasha didn’t know how to respond. Her gaze met Janelle’s, who was staring at her with angry jealousy.

“I heard what you said to your mother and, if she won’t answer you, then I will. She’s always been a wild, stupid girl, my daughter. Always in trouble for one thing or another, whether it was drugs or boys. And when she wound up pregnant, my wife and I knew nothing good would come out of it. She didn’t know how to care for no one but herself. We had no idea what she did to you until it was too late and you were already lost within the foster system out of our reach; my wife and I thought it was best she find her own way after your birth, but it has been my deepest regret ever since that we never looked after you properly. We knew her faults, but we were so concerned with punishing her, we never thought how much she was punishing you in return. Neither she nor I deserve your forgiveness. And, if everything you just said is true, I’m happy you got away because you are better off without her poison in your life. “

Janelle, shocked at his words, gasped in horror. “Daddy! What the hell is your problem you senile old man!”

Ignoring her outburst, Janelle’s father patted Sasha gently on the cheek. “I’m glad you came today. It has always been one of my last wishes on this earth to know for certain you had found your way. To know you ended up better than me or my wife could have hoped gives me peace.”

Sasha returned his gentle smile. “Thank you.”

The hotel room she stayed in was getting darker as the sun set, but she couldn’t bring herself to stand up and turn on the lights yet. After returning from her mother’s house, she had immediately jumped into the shower, trying to rinse away the memory of Janelle Harmon completely. While her grandfather’s words had given her a modicum of peace, there was still a slight emptiness to the day. It hadn’t ended at all the way she had hoped or dreamed. And so, she sat there on the couch of the hotel suite, her eyes looking out into the cityscape of Newark with a heaviness settled over her heart.

In the end, Sasha knew for certain now that there had been nothing inherently wrong with her. One couldn’t choose the family they were born into, but Sasha realized in a way she had been lucky enough to get away. Janelle’s constant emotional and mental abuse could have made her into a completely different person.

But that didn’t stop her feelings of being completely alone. And that realization, of knowing while the possibility of a family had been before her, but she had still failed to grasp it, was the most devastating. It tore her apart to the point she wished she had actually taken Dmitri’s advice and not come alone. She didn’t want to sit here in a dark hotel room by herself any longer. With Teagan in New York and Dina in Italy, despite her newfound friendships, there was still the sense that she was fighting a losing battle with no one else on her side.

For the past three years, Sasha had told herself to be strong, to never show weakness. But the dam was beginning to break…

Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock at her hotel door. Thinking it was room service, she walked over and switched on the light before opening it. To her shock, it wasn’t the hotel staff but Dmitri that stood on the other side of the threshold with his hands shoved into his pockets. Dressed in loose khaki’s with a leather jacket over his button-up shirt, Sasha was floored by how handsome he looked and it took her a moment to gather her wits.

“W-what are you doing here?” she was finally able to get out. But before he could respond, having the familiar face of the man she still loved before her was the last straw for the slowly crumbling dam of emotions. The same emotional pain that had coursed through her at his rejection so long ago had already reared its ugly head after seeing her mother. But, with Dmitri standing before her, she could no longer ignore it. And, to her own horror, she unwittingly released a sob of despair and covered her tear-filled eyes with her hands.

Acting on instinct, Dmitri pulled her back into the hotel room and closed the door behind him. As her shoulders shook with the power of her cries, she felt his arms surround her and willingly rested her head onto his chest.

“Nothing ever goes right…no one ever chooses me,” she sobbed.

At her words, Dmitri quickly took her cheeks into his hands so that she would meet his eyes. The last time he had seen her so heartbroken had been two years prior. He had feared this very thing- that her mother would end up hurting this beautiful woman before him. But, she was wrong to think she was alone.

“No, baby. Don’t ever think that. I’m choosing you; I’ll always choose you.”

She melted into him once more and Dmitri simply gathered her into his arms and carried her to the bed. That night, as her sobs slowly began to quiet into light sniffles, he held her. And she was no longer alone.

Sasha woke up and stretched, a content moan released from her lips. The memories of the previous night immediately came to mind after her muscles had finally relaxed again. Instinctively, she looked to her side but didn’t find Dmitri. To her annoyance, she was disappointed at his absence.

The night had been the most pleasant for her in a long time despite the events of the previous day and her consequential emotional turmoil. To her shock, sleeping in Dmitri’s arms once more had felt as if she had never left. Once again, she felt wary of her growing feelings of warmth towards him and hesitant to reveal to herself what his presence last night meant to her in her moment of need. Dmitri was the last person she expected to see standing outside the door of her hotel room; it seemed, however, that he was exactly the person she needed to see. Even while she had drowned in remorse, she had clearly heard his words to her. But what did it mean for him to choose her?

Sasha pondered this question and what his presence last night meant to their relationship. Could she now feel comfortable enough to give him another chance? After all, he had not only given her the information she needed to contact her long-lost mother, but he had been the one to comfort her when the pain of rejection had become too much for her to bear. While words of love had yet to be spoken, she couldn’t simply ignore the meaning behind his actions. But she was afraid to hope for it. She had only been met with disappointment time and time again. Wouldn’t it be foolish of her to give him another chance? Hadn’t she learned from her mother’s words? According to Janelle, there was nothing to love.

Sasha reluctantly sat up from her comfortable position and made her way to the connected bathroom to freshen up. Her morning routine was interrupted by sound coming from the living area of the hotel suite. While she knew it could only be Dmitri, she took her time leaving the bathroom, afraid to confront him and the questions usurping her mind. Finally, after fully moisturizing her skin from the shower and changing into comfortable sweats and a tank top, she walked into the living room.

Dmitri was sitting on the couch in deep thought when he felt her presence. He stood up immediately and turned to her with a warm smile. There was still evidence of the night before in her swollen eyes and reddened cheeks, but he was still overcome by her beauty. Admittedly, it was a beauty unique to her that emanated from her very spirit. And while he had been completely unaware of what drew him to her three years prior, he was no longer a fool. Dmitri couldn’t let her go. Last night proved that to him. He needed her; they needed each other.

“How did you sleep?” he asked innocently.

Instead of answering his question, Sasha blurted one of the nagging questions overtaking her. “Why are you here? How did you find me?”

Despite her abruptness, Dmitri’s warm smile did not waver. Instead, he walked around the couch until they stood directly in front of each other. It wasn’t until he was before her that Sasha noticed he had changed clothes from the night before. Today, he wore a pair of slim-fitting jeans that highlighted the musculature of his legs and a half-zip white pullover. She felt uncomfortably underdressed.

He reached over and grabbed a hold of her right hand gently, his thumb caressing the soft skin of her wrist.

“I came for you. My PI informed me of your plans to meet your mother this week. You took a week off from work,” Dmitri stated simply. Sasha’s unpaid leave had cued the investigator to her plans as it had been out of the norm. Apparently, Sasha’s life seemed to revolve around her work as a Director of Internal Communications, which explained her quick promotion after only working within the company for two years.

“A part of me knew you would try to go by yourself. And, since I had no right to stop you from doing that, I wanted to make sure I was here…after. There was no telling how your mother would react and so, I needed to know you were okay. Before I gave you that folder with her address, I looked over it. A woman with that kind of past…” he paused, not knowing how to express himself without insult. “I just couldn’t see you hurt again. You deserve so much more than that.”

Sasha’s eyes watered slightly. “I-I know I was probably better off without her in my life. I’ve accomplished a lot despite my upbringing…but last night…I couldn’t help but feel that I failed at having people love me in return. I mean, what does that say about me?” She released bitter laugh. “You have no idea what she said to me; I hardly knew her but her words hurt me so much.” Her voice faltered at this confession. “I don’t know if I can be strong anymore.”

Dmitri reached for her but she stepped away before he could pull her to him like before. With firm determination, she looked up at him and demanded, “So, if you are here to try to
use
me or take advantage of my weakness, just leave. You once told me that I could never be part of your life. My mother said the same thing. Being alone…it’s hard, but it beats having people tear me apart and leave me for nothing. I can’t risk that again.”

She turned to walk away, expecting to hear the door close behind him. But, instead, she found herself pressed against him, his body molded to hers from behind. Dmitri wrapped his arms securely around her waist and buried his face into her hair, inhaling the familiar scent of coconut and peppermint.

“No,” he whispered. “I’m not leaving here without you.” At the tension he felt within her, he nuzzled her neck and worked his way up until his lips were pressed against her soft cheek. “You mean the world to me, Sasha. Please, give me another chance. I’m begging you. I can’t live without you anymore.” 

At his words, she lashed out angrily, protecting herself from hope. “No.
No.
You can’t say those things. You don’t really mean it.”

Dmitri took a hold of her shoulders and forced her to turn to him. Looking up into his eyes, she was torn between the part of her that wanted to simply fall into his arms and close her eyes to the rest of the world and the part of her still overcome by the heartache that had never truly healed.  “I can’t let you hurt me. What happens when you eventually get tired of me? Because that’s what happened! I told you I loved you and you never said anything back!

He shook his head. “I’ve wanted you back since the day I told you to leave, Sasha. I may not have known it at the time but every day since I’ve never felt whole. Last night, holding you in my arms was the happiest place I have been these last two years. You seem to think that if I leave, I’ll happily move on to someone else. Sasha…there is
no one
else for me. I can’t fathom being with anyone but you. If you tell me to leave…” Dmitri’s brow furrowed in pain, “Don’t tell me to leave again. Please don’t punish me anymore. I need you.”

Sasha saw the desperation and uncertainty reflected in his dark gaze. It was the same look she had when facing him in the hospital, begging for forgiveness. There was stark truth written in his desperation and the voices of doubt that clouded her seemed to gradually fade.

At her silence, he continued, fearing that he still wasn’t getting through to her. “Sasha, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought of you and regretted the way I treated you before. I have been trying to show you that I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was before because of you. Do you know that I now have a relationship with my brother that isn’t defined by animosity? You showed me that I couldn’t keep holding on to my anger about my mother and I finally listened. You kept telling me how blessed I was to have a family but you missed something- my true blessing was you. I meant what I said last night. You mean the world to me.

“I didn’t come here last night to try to persuade you into my arms. I just didn’t want you to think that you were alone. Because even if you decide that you still wish for me to stay out of your life, I’ll never stop caring about you.”

Overwhelmed by it all, Sasha grasped the lapels of his shirt within her tiny palms. “Then stay with me. Let’s give each other today. No promises of what will happen once we leave. Just us- together.”

Dmitri knew he wanted more than simply a day to be with her. But, at the same time, her hesitation was valid considering what she had just been through. And so, he agreed to her terms.

“Okay. Today is just ours.”

Sasha didn’t know what came over her when she offered him the chance to stay. Despite her hesitations and doubts, she believed him. It had to be in the desperation so visible in the darkness of his eyes. And, dare she admit it to herself; he had showed her through his actions how much he had changed.

And so, she sat there beside him in Branch Brook Park, admiring the cherry blossoms that bloomed earlier that week. Unaware of the significance of the event, Dmitri had been the one who suggested they come and enjoy the short-lived season. 

“How did you know about this?” she asked, taking as many pictures with her camera phone as possible. The wind suddenly blew, causing a few flowers to fall on them in sheets of pink and white. She laughed as they tickled her cheek and brushed her hair of any remaining flowers entangled therein.

Dmitri watched her, in awe that he was in her presence again after being so long denied her company. While she was still guarded, he could tell there was hope for something more. He would have to prove to her that being together again was a risk worth taking.

“When I was little, my mother would bring me here for the cherry blossom festival. After she got divorced from my father, we lived in Forest Hill, which is to the east of the park. Every April, we would come here before she was sick. She was always so overcome by the beauty of the flowers; she never once spoke of Nikolai. It is the happiest memories I have of my childhood after their divorce. Unfortunately, after I moved in with my father, I was never able to come back and remember our time together. I’m happy I get to be here with you. Had I been by myself, I don’t think it would be as happy an occasion. My mind would be filled with mournful memories of my mother, and not the memories I hope to make with you one day.”

Sasha paused in her picture taking, amazed by his confession. Had he really taken her to this place? Dmitri had once been so closed off and private about his dealings with his parents. It was enlightening for her to hear for once the less sorrowful memories he had of his childhood. And he wanted to create more with her.

“T-thank you.” A thought came to her then. “You said you lived in Forest Hill? That’s quite a coincidence, considering my mother now lives in Newark.” She laughed despite herself. “I guess it was meant for you to come back here, after all.”

He returned her smile. “Come, there’s a bridge just up this path. You’ll love it.”

Sasha felt like she was in her own dream world as Dmitri took a hold of her hand in his and led her further into the park. This was truly the most romantic place she had ever been. And to think she was here with Dmitri! She had dreamt of having moments like this once more. Her life had been so overcome by work; thoughts of dating and having a serious relationship had been the furthest from her mind. But Sasha knew part of the reason had been her lingering feelings for Dmitri. Despite herself, she was already starting to regret the ultimatum of simply one day together. She wanted the rest of her life to be this way. She felt closer to him than she had ever felt before and couldn’t fathom giving that up just yet.

Once they had made their way to the stone bridge, Dmitri pulled her in front of him so that she could see off the side of the structure. She squealed in delight at the idyllic scenery. With the small river flowing gently beneath them and the wind rustling the cherry blossoms, it was stunning. Sasha turned her head and smiled.

“It’s beautiful, Dmitri. Thank you,” she whispered.

“I knew you would like it.” He stepped closer until his body rested gently against her back as he caged her between his arms.

Blushing slightly at their closeness, Sasha leaned back into his warmth. Eventually, his arms found their way around her waist and he bent down until his cheek rested against the top of her head. Breathing in her familiar scent, Dmitri closed his eyes slightly. They stayed there in that moment, not bothering for words because there was simply no need for them.

Unfortunately, the moment was eventually ruined by the sounds of laughter approaching. As the day grew later, more people came to share in the naturalistic beauty of the park. Dmitri caught Sasha’s gaze as she looked up at him, her body still resting against his. While he was strongly tempted to take advantage of their position and press a gentle kiss against her lips, he refrained. Instead, Dmitri smiled gently and motioned with a tilt of his head for them to continue on as a group of young families appeared on the gravel path from the foliage.

Sasha followed him.

“Would you ever come back?” She asked as they made their way out of the park.

He took a moment to think about her question before responding. Truthfully, he knew he would only return if she accompanied him. If she wasn’t there, his mind would be too emotionally overwhelmed by the memory of losing both her and his mother to ever enjoy being there again. But, instead of revealing that to her, he simply answered, “I hope so.”

“You should since it means so much to you. I mean, what is stopping you? You have the resources and the time now that the firm is doing so well. I’m sure you could take as many vacations as you wanted. I mean, you are here with me on such short notice.”

Dmitri merely shrugged. “I would never let work come between us. I find that moments like this are only special if you have someone to share it with. I meant it when I said I am happy to have been here with you. To have shown you a part of me no one else knows about.”