Savage Autumn (27 page)

“When Joanna is well enough…I will take you both to the fort.”

Tag looked into Windhawk’s eyes and saw pain. “I will miss you, Windhawk, and some day I shall come back. I promise.”

Windhawk mounted and waited for Tag to do the same. “You will not come back, little brother.”

Tag leaped onto his horse. “I will, you’ll see. Joanna said that one should not make a promise unless he intends to keep it. I said I would come back, and I shall.”

“Joanna will never return,” Windhawk said, more to himself than to Tag.

“I can’t see why you are sending her away. You said she is your wife. If you love Joanna, shouldn’t you keep her with you?”

“Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let her go, Tag.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will understand when you grow to manhood. I will race you to the river,” Windhawk said, quickly changing the subject.

When they entered the village, Tag rode directly to She
Who Heals’s tipi. He wanted to tell Joanna that Windhawk was taking them to the fort as soon as she was healed enough to travel.

As he neared the tipi, he saw Joanna holding on to the arm of the old medicine woman. He leaped to the ground and watched her take a hesitant step. She was going to be all right, he thought happily. Joanna was going to recover!

He walked over to her and took her hand, and she drew him to her, ruffling his red-gold curls.

“I feel like walking farther, She Who Heals. I am not as weak as I thought I would be.”

“No, you must not do too much the first day. Each day you will walk more. Soon you will be able to walk as far as the river.”

Windhawk watched from a distance. His heart was lighter than it had been in many days. He was happy that Joanna was recovering her strength, but sad that she still wore the blindfold about her eyes. It was not a fair trade, he thought; she had stolen his heart, and he had robbed her of her eyesight. Turning away, he entered his lodge, thinking how empty it seemed without Joanna.

Joanna could hear the sound of children’s laughter and the occasional barking of a dog. She had never known how precious her eyesight was until she had lost it.

She wished she could talk to Windhawk. Why did he never speak to her? She wished that she could tell him that she was sorry about running away from him. She wanted and needed his comforting arms more than ever. He didn’t love her anymore; she would have to live with his coldness from now on. She knew she must appear ugly, and when her skin began to heal, it would leave horrible scars. Windhawk would never look upon her with favor again.

Tag led her back into the tipi and helped her lie down. He sat down beside her, telling her how he and Windhawk had spent the day. “I’m going to hate to leave Windhawk when the time comes, Joanna. Won’t you miss him, too?”

“What are you talking about, Tag?” she asked, feeling pain in her heart.

“Windhawk told me today that when you were well, he would take us to the fort.”

Joanna felt tears soak into the leather blindfold. He was going to send her away: He no longer wanted to be near her. She turned over on her side and felt the misery of heartbreak. She had tried to run away from him and he had brought her back. Now she wanted to stay with him and he was sending her away. Why was life always so unfair? Why was she always forced to do what she didn’t want to do?

“You’re tired now, Joanna, I’ll leave you alone to rest,” Tag said, standing up.

Joanna nodded her head, too miserable to answer him.

Amanda stumbled and dropped the armload of wood she had been carrying. When she bent down to pick it up, a strong hand went about her waist, moving her aside. She looked fearfully at Tall Bear as he knelt down and picked up the wood. She wanted to flee, remembering the cruel way Running Elk had treated her. Did this Indian have the same thing in mind for her? Amanda wondered.

“This is much too heavy for you since you have been ill,” Tall Bear said in Blackfoot, which Amanda understood very well. “I will carry the wood for you.”

Amanda felt her legs tremble as his dark eyes swept her face. No, he was not like Running Elk. He was kind; she could see it in his eyes.

As he walked along beside her, she slowly began to relax. He had been watching her for a long time, but this was the first time he had approached her.

“My name is Tall Bear,” he told her.

“I know, Morning Song told me.”

“I think you have great beauty,” he said, without looking at her.

Amanda had never had a man tell her she was beautiful, and her face flushed with pleasure. When they reached Sun Woman’s lodge, he placed the wood on the ground and smiled at her.

“I would like to come and talk to you again sometime, if you would allow it.”

“Yes, I would like that,” she answered him shyly.

When Tall Bear walked away, Amanda felt her heart beating wildly. She had never felt this way about a man before and it frightened her.

Joanna had told her that Windhawk would be taking them to the fort as soon as she was able to travel. Amanda had dreaded facing anyone after what Running Elk had done to her. She was happier now than she had been since the raid on the wagon train. She wasn’t so sure she wanted to go with Joanna and Tag when they departed.

The
chinook
wind continued to blow across the land, warming the days and holding winter at bay.

With each passing day Joanna grew stronger. Every afternoon Tag would take her for a walk down to the river. At these times, many of the Indians would come up to talk to Joanna. They were always kind and inquired about her health. She had grown to love this strong, fierce race who had taken her in and treated her with such kindness.

Joanna could not bear to think she would soon be leaving them all behind. There was Windhawk’s mother, Sun Woman, who still lovingly called her daughter. Morning Song was sweet and loving and Joanna would miss her terribly. Then there was the tall chief, whom she had at one time laughed and loved with. She would miss him most of all.

Joanna had no idea how her face looked. She was afraid to ask for fear it was horribly scarred. She Who Heals continued to put the salve on it each day, and it was no longer painful. Joanna would often run her hand over her face; it felt smooth to the touch. She hoped that she didn’t look hideous any longer.

The worst part of the whole ordeal was not being able to see. There had been many times when Joanna had wanted to rip the blindfold from her eyes. She Who Heals had cautioned her against removing the bandage, fearing it would cause further damage to her eyes.

Joanna held on to Tag’s arm and raised her head to the sky, listening to the sound of the wind rustling in the tall pine trees. She thought how her senses were becoming so attuned to sounds. She could hear the river rushing over a small dam, and the sounds of some unknown birds, singing in the nearby forest. But she didn’t hear Windhawk’s soft footsteps as he walked up behind her, nor did her brother Tag.

“Tag, sometimes I think when one loses something, God gives him something else to replace it.”

“What do you mean, Joanna?”

“It’s just that now that I can no longer see, I can hear and smell things that I never paid attention to before. I can smell the sweet scent of the pine trees. I can tell what an object looks like when I hold it in my hand. The other day She Who Heals let me feel her face, and I think I know exactly what she looks like.”

“You will see again, Joanna. I just know you will.”

“I don’t think so, Tag. I think we should prepare ourselves for the inevitable.”

“You once told me that only weak people gave up, Joanna. I never knew you to be a quitter,” Tag said, feeling anguish at her admission.

She laughed aloud. “How could I ever give up with you badgering me.”

Windhawk watched the brother and sister, wishing he were a part of their lives. His eyes lovingly caressed Joanna’s slight form. He loved to see her in the soft buckskin she now wore. When he took her to the fort she would return to the white woman’s way of dressing. She was thinner now, but she seemed to be enjoying good health. When he looked at her face he saw it was no longer red, but a deep golden tanned color. He could
not see if there was any scarring, because the leather blindfold covered much of her face.

Tag turned around just in time to catch a wistful look on Windhawk’s face, and in that moment he realized that Windhawk loved his sister.

“Look at Joanna, she is so well that She Who Heals said she could stay here by the river for a while, if I would keep her in the shade.”

Joanna turned, wondering who Tag had spoken to.

“I can see she is doing well,” she heard the deep voice she loved so well reply.

She felt Windhawk move closer to her and raised her face to him.

“It is good to see you looking so well, Joanna,” he told her softly.

She smiled. “You spoke my name differently.”

His eyes moved over her upturned face caressingly. “Little brother taught me to say it the white man’s way.”

“I think I prefer the way you spoke it before,” she answered him, wondering why he should take the trouble to learn to say her name correctly.

“Has Tag told you that Fosset is completely recovered? You will be able to ride him any time you want.”

“Yes,” she answered, turning away.

Tag sat down and folded his arms around his knees, watching the two people he loved most in the world. It had just occurred to him that Joanna didn’t want to leave Windhawk, and it took only one look into Windhawk’s eyes to know he didn’t want her to go. Why was he sending her away, and why was she not putting up a fight to stay?

Windhawk came up behind her and the breeze whipped her hair, blowing it across his face. He closed his eyes as the silky strands brushed against his cheek. “I am told by She Who Heals that she is going to remove the protection from your eyes in two days’ time.”

“Yes, she said we should know then if I will be able to see.”

Tag stood up, thinking he would leave the two of them alone. He hoped they would straighten out whatever was wrong between them. Joanna never discussed Windhawk with him, and he hadn’t asked any questions, knowing she would tell him what she wanted him to know.

“I think I’ll go see if Sun Woman has any more of those berry cakes,” he said casually. “Joanna, will you be all right here with Windhawk?”

“Yes, but…”

“I will return you to She Who Heals’s tipi, when you are ready,” Windhawk told her.

Joanna heard Tag leaving and wanted to call out to him. She was frightened of being alone with Windhawk. What if she were to weaken and beg him not to send her away?

Windhawk could feel Joanna’s unrest, and he thought she was remembering his cruelty to her. It hurt him to think he had brought her to this state.

“Joanna, I have many things to be sorry for. I cannot tell you how I hurt that you have lost your sight because of me. I will always remember that I was the one who robbed you of your vision. If, by putting out my eyes, I could bring sight back to yours, I would do so.”

“No, it’s not your fault. I feel only gratitude to you. You saved my life when the panther would have killed me. You gave my brother back to me, and you spared Farley’s life. How could I not be grateful to you?”

Windhawk raised his face to the heavens and took a deep breath. He didn’t want her gratitude…he wanted her love.

“Come, I will walk you back. I think you have been out long enough.” He reached for her hand and felt it tremble. She was frightened of him, he thought bitterly.

“Windhawk, I asked She Who Heals about your wound and she told me she applied healing salve to it, and it had healed very nicely.”

“It was not as bad as it appeared.”

“Did it leave a scar?”

“No,” he said abruptly, not wanting to discuss himself.

“I saw…there was so much blood. How could there not be scarring?”

“She Who Heals is known for her healing powers. This was not the first time I have depended on her to treat a wound for me. Your brother has told you that I am taking you to the fort?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Yes. When do you think we will leave?”

“As soon as the medicine woman says you can travel. I do not think it will be very long.”

Joanna felt his hand tighten on hers and she knew he was staring at her. She felt her heart race. Now was the time to tell him that she no longer wanted to leave. The silence between them was almost deafening as he turned her around, leading her back to camp. The moment had passed; she could never tell him she loved him so deeply that it filled her whole heart and body.

When they reached the tipi, Windhawk helped her inside, then left without a word. Joanna felt around in her darkened world until she found the buffalo robe and she lay down, becoming totally lost in misery.

She didn’t hear She Who Heals until the medicine woman spoke to her. “I was told that you are leaving Windhawk. It is not good for a woman to leave her husband.”

“I am not leaving him; he is sending me away.”

“You left him before,” She Who Heals said accusingly. “Will you not be glad to return to your people?”

Joanna propped her head up on her hand. “No, this is where I belong, beside the man I love. I know that now, but it’s too late.”

“Have you said this to Windhawk?”

“No! And I don’t want you to tell him either. He no longer loves me, and I don’t want his pity.”

“I will say nothing. This is between you and your husband. Only you can choose the road you will walk.”

“I have not been able to choose for myself in a long time. Someone else has taken the decisions out of my hands.”

“One can always choose the road he will travel, if he has the courage.”

“I’m tired and I don’t want one of your lectures,” Joanna said, wishing she had the courage to go to Windhawk and…and what?

Amanda walked beside Tall Bear. Every so often she would steal a shy glance in his direction. For over a week now, he had come every day to Sun Woman’s tipi, asking permission for Amanda to walk with him. While they were walking he would talk to her of the Blackfoot customs and ask her about her life before she had been captured by Running Elk.

Today he seemed strangely silent and Amanda wondered what he might be thinking. She had begun to have such deep, tender feelings for him. He was so kind and when he looked at her with his dark eyes, she felt all funny inside.

“I will not be seeing you for a while, Amanda,” he told her.

“Why?” she asked, before she could stop herself.

“I am building a new lodge. I am thinking about taking a wife,” he answered with deep searching eyes.

“Oh,” Amanda said, feeling crestfallen. How would she bear it if she could never talk to him again? “I wish you happiness,” she told him, knowing she meant it with all her heart.

They were walking through the woods and the thick undergrowth cushioned their footsteps. Tall Bear turned to her and took her hand. “I do not yet know if I will be happy.”

“Why is that?” Amanda asked, shyly raising her eyes to him.

“I do not know if the one I love returns my love. I have not yet asked her to become my woman.”

Amanda began to think he might mean her and her eyes lit up with joy, only to turn to disillusionment a moment later. No, he would not want her after what Running Elk had done to her. No man would ever want her.

He tilted her chin up and smiled. “You are the one I want to be my wife, Amanda. I have spoken to Windhawk and he told me it would be your decision.”

“I…you want me!” She felt tears in her eyes and blinked
to clear them away. “No, I can never marry you or any other man. I am not fit to be anyone’s wife.”

His eyes showed tenderness and compassion. “I know about Running Elk; that was not your fault. It makes no difference to me what happened to you before I met you. I know only that I love you and if you will not have me, I will be unhappy.”

“Yes! Oh yes, I will be your wife,” Amanda cried as he pulled her into his arms.

He lowered his head, tasting her sweet lips for the first time. His heart was filled with happiness, as was Amanda’s.

The time had come to remove Joanna’s blindfold. She Who Heals’s tipi was crowded. Tag, Amanda, Sun Woman, and Morning Song were waiting to see if Joanna would be able to see. Windhawk had not entered the tipi, but stood just outside, waiting to hear if Joanna had regained her eyesight. He raised his head and sent a silent prayer to Napi asking that he return Joanna’s sight to her.

Everyone was silent as She Who Heals bent over Joanna and untied the soft doeskin band. “I want you to keep your eyes shut, Joanna. Do not open them until I say.”

Joanna nodded, while clenching her hands tightly together. She wanted to see the sun and the flowers; she wanted to see Tag’s dear face and most of all, she wanted to see Windhawk.

She felt someone kneel down beside her, and Tag slipped his hand into hers. “You are going to see, Joanna. I know you are,” he said encouragingly.

She Who Heals removed the covering and everyone held their breath. All Joanna could see was the deep void of darkness, and she began to panic. She had waited so long for this day and now that the time had come, she was afraid to open her eyes.

“I can see no light. It is still dark,” she whispered.

“It is dark because I have shut out the light in the tipi,” She Who Heals said, motioning for Sun Woman to go outside and bring her a burning piece of wood. “Keep your eyes closed, Joanna,” she warned.

Sun Woman returned and handed the torch to She Who Heals, who waved it before Joanna’s face.

Joanna could feel the heat from the fire but she could see nothing beyond the deep, dark, shadowy world that enclosed her.

“What do you see?” She Who Heals asked.

“I…I see nothing,” Joanna whispered.

“Open your eyes, Joanna,” She Who Heals said.

Joanna’s eyelids fluttered and she opened her eyes. She Who Heals saw the blank stare in the beautiful violet-colored eyes and knew that Joanna was still blind. The others waited tensely.

“I can see nothing…nothing. I am blind!” Joanna screamed, clasping her hands over her eyes.

Joanna could hear Amanda crying softly as everyone but Tag filed out of the tipi. Tag put his arms around Joanna and laid his head on her shoulder. He tried to brush the tears away, not wanting her to know he was crying. When she clasped him to her, their tears blended together.

“Don’t worry, Joanna. I will never leave you. I will be your eyes,” he cried.

Windhawk moved silently away. He mounted his horse and rode out of camp where he could be alone. The beautiful eyes that he loved so well would never again see the light of day. He would never again see his own image reflected in her eyes. It was his fault; he had done this thing to Joanna. How she must hate him now. He wished he could go to her and hold her in his arms, giving her comfort, but she would not welcome him.

Windhawk crossed the river, looking about the land, knowing that Joanna would never see the beauty of it again. Urging his horse forward, he rode like the wind, not knowing or caring where he was going.

It was later that night and Amanda sat beside Joanna, talking softly to her. She had no words of comfort to give Joanna, but she wanted to be with her friend in her hour of grief.

Joanna turned her face to Amanda. “Tell me what you see. Do I look hideous? Is my face scarred?”