Savage Love (9 page)

     “I guess I have gotten used to having my own way so often that I forget everyone doesn’t have as many options as I do.”

     “Can I ask you something personal?” asked Samantha.

     “Is it a religious question?”

     “No,” said Samantha laughing.

     “Since you’re being open and honest I guess I can to. What do you want to know?” asked Daffyd.

     “Obviously you have money…and I was wondering …how…”

     “How I got it? I guess you could say I marketed an idea and some talent and got rich off of it,” he answered.

     “Do you have to work at it anymore, or are you retired?” she continued.

     “Well I guess you could say I am in a forced retirement until my health improves, but I am still making money off of my venture. You look like you don’t like my answer,” David said with a frown.

     “I guess what I really wanted to know is if you came into it all legitimately and honestly. Sorry that sounds so rude.”

     Daffyd just laughed and said, “A lot of hard work and sacrifice earned me this money and it was totally legit.”

     “I really am sorry… we were speculating and I guess I let my imagination get away with me. I didn’t
think
you looked like the gangster type. You just never know these days. Does it bother you to be away from work?”

     “Not really. I mean, I love what I do, but not all the crap that goes with it. Before I got sick, I was pushing myself too hard, trying to live up to all the expectations, just like you were talking about. I was having pretty bad anxiety attacks and some days I couldn’t even perform…um at work,” Daffyd caught himself.

     “So you have a career that you love, and you’re not even thirty…and I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and I am pushing forty. My perfect put together life seems to be coming apart at the seams. Maybe it has always been a mess and I just pretended it wasn’t. Why do people do that, do you think?” asked Samantha.

     “For me it’s a two sided sword. On one side I don’t want to disappoint. On the other I don’t want to admit that I might have made some bad choices,” said Daffyd.

     “I think you
are
right. I made a choice all those years ago to be a teacher. Then I made a choice to marry the first man who was kind to me. Both were probably not the best choices for me. Now Richard is gone and teaching is getting old, and I have to face up to those choices. It all started with the choice ignore the warnings and getting pregnant in high school. Of course I can’t regret that one, because of Seanna. I wouldn’t change having her for anything. But my life was suddenly on a course that I didn’t seem to be able to control. Doing what I thought was right ended up being a compromise.” Samantha was thinking all of this through for the first time.

     “Was your marriage…bad?” asked Daffyd quietly.

     “No, well…I guess that depends on how you look at it. Richard was so kind. He was a good listener when I first met him. I told him about my problems and he seemed so much older and wiser than me. He was good to me and accepted me for who I was. He also was completely smitten by Seanna right from the start. But after we were married I started noticing things that I hadn’t before…” Samantha paused, not sure if she dared speak it all out loud.

     “Was he cheating?” prompted Daffyd.

     “Oh, no. He was faithful…I guess it was just that he never talked about himself, how he was feeling or what his life was like growing up, nothing. Our conversations all evolved around me and Seanna or the store. I practically knew nothing about him. Oh, I could tell you his favorite movie, or food, where he liked to get his hair cut, that kind of stuff. But I never knew the real Richard. After a few years I ended up just like him. I stuffed my feelings, we pretended everything was ok and just put on a happy face.”

     “You’re sure he was pretending. What if he just didn’t know how to talk about himself?” asked Daffyd.

     “I guess I was willing to believe that for a long time. But when we went to his father’s funeral, Richard’s mom told me some things that made it all clear. He was living a life of lies. Pretending to be someone he wasn’t. I just can’t talk about it. Not yet it’s still all too painful…”

     “I am sorry…” said Daffyd as he handed her a Kleenex.

     Samantha hadn’t even realized she was crying.

     “Look at me, blubbering
like a baby, you probably think I am silly,” she said.

     “Not at all, you’ve been through a lot,” he said.

     “So have you and you’re not blubbering on…”

     “I save all of my crying for bed. What else am I going to do when I can’t sleep?” He joked.

     “Thanks for listening anyway. I think I am going to go and help Trisha in the garden,” she said. “So…I guess I’ll see you later.”

     “Yep, grilling and fireworks!”

Chapter 8

Fireworks

     Later that day they all spent a relaxing evening around the pool. The air was still warm and they ate and swam until everyone was tired. Just before dusk Bryce, Seanna and Leal brought out the fireworks. There were boxes and boxes of them. Leal put the kids in charge of reading through all the instructions and hauled them all over to the area that Leal had mowed down. Samantha and Trisha moved chairs and snacks to the viewing area and last of all Leal helped Daffyd to get comfortable in one of the lounge chairs. Trisha fetched a warm blanket for Daffyd for the evenings tended to get chilly. Bryce and Seanna had a grand time planning out which fireworks to start with and which ones to save for the grand finale. Leal drug a garden hose out, just in case, and they all watched as the two youngest lit some small ‘snakes’ and ‘poppers’.

    
Soon the sun was setting. Daffyd, Trisha and Samantha got comfortable and allowed Leal to supervise the show. Bryce was quite the gentleman and allowed Seanna to light the first one. Soon they were oohing and aahing over the beautiful colors and different shapes and sounds.  Even though Daffyd was tired beyond belief he didn’t want to miss a thing. The air was finally cooling. Trisha had run for some more drinks earlier and had thought to grab herself a light sweater. The three firework handlers were staying warm with all the excitement and moving around, and Daffyd was snuggled into his blanket. Daffyd noticed that Samantha was chaffing her arms and curling up in her chair trying to stay warm.

     “If you are cold, you could scoot your chair over. There is room for both of us under the blanket,” Daffyd invited.

     Samantha pushed her lounge chair right up against Daffyd’s and he handed her one side of the blanket. In short time they were both covered with their perspective halves. She was much warmer and was able to enjoy the night without shivering. Conversation was limited with all the noise and the flashing of the fireworks, but Samantha was enjoying the night, especially the closeness of sitting next to Daffyd.
Why is it I feel more intimate with Daffyd under this warm blanket, than all the years I shared a bed with Richard? We aren’t even touching.
Samantha spent a few minutes analyzing her feelings. She wasn’t attracted to Daffyd. She definitely was not looking for romance. So why the comfortable feeling of intimate companionship? Was she that starved for affection that just sitting next to a man felt so good? A cancer ridden, exhausted man at that? She finally decided it didn’t matter why, she was going to enjoy her evening!

     Daffyd on the other hand knew exactly why he was enjoying Samantha snuggled in on the other side of his blanket. From the moment she came into the movie room the first night, he had been intrigued by her. She was so much different than the women he ran into in his line of work. She was simple and honest and totally refreshing to be around.
He knew they would have to leave soon, but he was determined to enjoy their company for as long as he could. As the fireworks continued, Daffyd’s mind was running at full speed, despite his tired body. When all was done and the grand finally had played out its last spark, Leal and Bryce had to practically carry Daffyd back to the house and put him in bed. That left the three girls to clean up. Many hands make quick work, and by the time the garbage was picked up, the guys returned to help shift the chairs back to pool side. It wasn’t until Samantha was tucked in bed that she realized she hadn’t even asked about her car.

Chapter
9

The Confession

     After such a long evening, Daffyd slept late the next morning. Samantha and Seanna had done a quick load of laundry and packed up their bags. They were all sitting in the living room having finished up their breakfast of fruit and toast. Things weren’t as comfortable and free as they had been. Knowing you’ll be saying goodbye soon and maybe never seeing each other again, made conversation a little stilted. Soon Bryce and Seanna took off to make sure they had gotten all the remnants of the fireworks disposed of and Samantha sat with the couple.

     “Are you looking forward to getting back on the road,” asked Leal.

     “I am trying to believe that we won’t be having any more problems with the car. There are a few places that we wanted to see before getting home. But it will be nice to be home and back to our church,” she answered.

     “I know how you feel. We don’t get to go very often with everything going on around here,” said Trisha.

     “Daffyd doesn’t mind your going?” asked Samantha.

     “Probably,” said Leal, giving his wife a look, “but we aren’t going to let him keep us from
church. If he is too sick or there are other things going on, we still have our jobs to do. But if we are able, we go. If not we try to catch some good preaching on the internet. We can always listen to our Christian music.”

     “Is it hard working for Daffyd with his
bitterness about all things Christian?” Samantha asked.

     “Sometimes, but we do really love Daffyd. Leal and I believe that God has called us here to be with Daffyd. We are praying that he turns his heart to God. So until God tells us different
, we stay,” answered Trisha.

     “The money and the perks aren’t bad either,”
Leal joked. Just then Trisha’s pager buzzed. 

    
“It’s Daffyd, he must be up now. I’ll go see how he is. He put in a long day yesterday and I know he was feeling rough by the time he went to bed.”

     “I better go
too, in case he needs some help,” said Leal.

     Samantha was left to herself. She had mixed feelings about leaving. She knew she had to get on with her life, but somehow being here was like a vacation from reality. Knowing that the vacation was over also meant that she would have to get back to
that reality and face the issues that she was struggling with. She certainly wasn’t looking forward to going back to her old life and all of the expectations that went with it. All those years of pretending all was well, pretending to be the perfect wife, that they had the perfect marriage. She wasn’t exactly sure if she even knew who she was anymore.

    
God, is this just part of the grieving process of losing my husband? Or am I really facing a drastic change of life? I know you are the God of second chances, is it really possible to start all over again. I guess I haven’t been too sensitive to your voice or I wouldn’t have gotten things so messed up to begin with. Help me to let go and let you lead. Help me to be who you really want me to be.
She prayed. 

     It wasn’t long before she had the opportunity to test that prayer. About forty-five minutes later Trisha came down and let her know that Daffyd was too tired to come downstairs, but that he wanted to talk to her. She followed Trisha to his room where he was propped in bed and drinking some tea. He indeed looked pale and tired. The past few days of company and celebration had taken
a toll on him. Samantha sat in a chair close to his bed and Trisha excused herself.

     “Thanks for meeting me here. I
’m afraid I overdid it yesterday,” said Daffyd.

     “It probably hasn’t helped to have the extra burden of unexpected company either,” ventured Samantha.

     “Actually, other than this morning, I think it has helped. This is the best I have felt in a long time, especially during a treatment week. I just should have taken a longer nap yesterday to make up for the late fireworks show. The two of you haven’t been any trouble and like I said before, it’s been nice for all of us to have some company…That is really the reason I asked you up here. I am afraid that I haven’t been completely honest with you. That first night when we had our pajama and comedy night, I decided that Trish and Leal were enjoying having some extra guests, so the next day when I talked to the mechanic…well…I sort of told him there was no hurry. He actually had the part and could have had it done on Saturday. I should have told you, but I knew you wouldn’t stay. You were so worried about taking advantage of us…” Daffyd didn’t know what else to say and was looking at his tea cup.