Saving Grace (The Grace Series Book 2) (30 page)

He made a funny sound in his throat, almost a groan and then he laughed. It wasn’t an easy laugh. It sounded more like he was trying to clear his throat, but Jessica recognized it for what it was. She giggled and he smiled at her, and they stared into each other’s eyes. In that moment, she wanted to touch him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold on tight. And the way he was looking at her told her his thoughts were running in the same direction.

She had to shake her head to clear it. “Julien, there’s just one thing I don’t understand. Why did you buy this property? I would have thought once you were done here, you would have wanted to go back east?”

“This was supposed to be my last assignment. I was going to retire after it.” He took a breath. “I like the country here. It’s pretty.”

Jessica frowned. “But so many people in this community hate you. You would have known your identity would come out in the end. You would have known it wouldn’t be safe for you here with so many enemies?”

He looked away. “I…I built this house for you.”

Jessica shook her head. “But you didn’t expect things to turn out this way. You didn’t expect to get hurt. You didn’t build it to give it to me.”

“No,” he whispered, “I thought I would stay here for a while. To try to… to try to win you back.”

Jessica averted her eyes. It took a second for her to gather the courage to ask her next question. “Was my father responsible for more murders than the one he was accused of?”

“Yes.”

“Why then, did he only get charged with the one?”

Julien shrugged and looked away.

“You didn’t tell the army and the government about the other crimes, did you?” Because he didn’t respond, she continued, “You knew you couldn’t convince the court he was responsible for Carl Robbins’s death? You knew he would get off? You did that for me, too?”

“Yes,” he whispered.

There was so much more to this man than she’d ever realized. So much more. “I don’t know what to say,” she murmured.

As if it would explain everything, he said, “I love you.”

His humble manner, the way he avoided making eye contact, brought back the same overwhelming feeling of shame she’d experienced in the kitchen with Martha, Herlin, Ruth and Ditter. She tried to make herself speak, but somehow she just couldn’t say those three simple words. They were stuck like a stone at the back of her throat. Instead she took a breath and asked, “Will you tell me about the people you saved? Tell me about the things you did as the spook.”

And he did, drawing her memories back to specific incidents. Some of them were good memories, but most of them were not. He talked about the man he had to lynch, but was able to resuscitate afterwards, and how he’d prayed he would get back in time. He spoke of having to shoot Carl Robbins and how he’d so badly needed the comfort she’d given him that night. He talked about how the people in Shanty Town stopped being afraid of him, how the children got to know him, and how he used to visit with them. He spoke of how guilty he felt when the Klan believed Sebastian was the spook and how they hurt him. After Sebastian’s faked death, he said he wasn’t planning to resurrect the spook to be visible to the Klan again. He wanted them to think he was really gone for good. Trent’s appearance as the spook foiled his plans, but he was proud of Trent for doing it. He was also very worried on Trent’s behalf.

He spoke of two children, just little boys, who had been gunned down right in front of him. With one of them he tried to convince the Klan to let the boy run off into the woods. There, he could have gone after him to help. But the Klansman started shooting, and like so many other situations, there was nothing he could do to stop it without blowing his cover. He told her how Trent came to the child’s defense, and how he hoped the Klansman would listen to Trent, but he didn’t. Julien said he was so furious, he almost gave himself away that night. Then, he took a breath and murmured, “And the—” He stopped speaking abruptly.

“And the what?” Jessica prompted.

He hesitated for a long time, and he didn’t look at her. When he spoke his whispery voice was very low. “The women… the girls…”

“Like Bess Bentley?” Jessica asked softly. “I remember what you said about her at the trial.”

Julien closed his eyes tightly. “I didn’t get there in time.”

Watching his anguish caused Jessica’s heart to ache. “Bess Bentley died the night I came into the study and you wouldn’t look at me.”

His nod was brief.

“You were upset because of what happened to Bess. But, that wasn’t all, was it?” His barely perceptible nod was a lie and she knew it. “Were you upset because of what I said to you about our baby?”

He said nothing for a long time, and then abruptly he turned to her. “I wanted him, Jess. I know you think I didn’t, but I did. I loved him.”

In her mind she pictured him methodically and tirelessly sanding away at the cradle he made, ensuring the wood would never splinter or chip, proudly and humbly creating a beautiful gift for his child. Biting her lip to once again gain control of her emotions, Jessica stared into his tormented eyes. “I know you did,” she said.

His distressed expression remained. “I didn’t think I would be able to fix things between us. I thought I would never be able to talk to you, or touch you, never just hold you close to me—” His voice caught. “I didn’t think I would ever see you again.”

While he spoke his eyes grew misty, and Jessica reached out to him and took his hand. Squeezing gently, she said, “I am here, Julien. I am not going anywhere.”

He looked at her, “I…I…”

“What?” she prompted. “You what?”

He turned away and closed his eyes.

“Julien, it’s okay. Tell me.”

“I failed.”

Jessica knew exactly what he meant. It’s what she’d heard the general and Etienne discussing. Julien had gone to Nashville to tell the general his cover was blown. Stone knew who he was, but he in turn had no definitive evidence against Stone. All he knew was that Stone had at one time been a colonel and went by the nickname, Stoney.

“You didn’t fail!” Jessica said vehemently. “You saved so many lives. Nobody can possibly consider what you did here a failure. Please don’t say that. Please don’t think that. Please don’t.”

He closed his eyes and bowed his head. Eventually he whispered, “I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed it to be over.”

“I know you went to Nashville to end it,” she said very gently. “I know you were going to tell me everything that night when you returned. You rushed home to see me. That’s why Herlin and Ditter were so far behind you.” Jessica reached out and covered the back of his hand still clasped in hers, with her other one. He opened his eyes, but still didn’t look at her.

While she watched him, she wondered if things had been different, if he had been given the opportunity to tell her, would she have listened, or even believed him. Because of her own insecurities, she didn’t think she deserved such happiness. She had unjustly foisted blame upon him, and used him as a scapegoat for everything in their lives that wasn’t perfect. So many things didn’t make sense, so many things she should have questioned, but she allowed herself to automatically accuse him. It was much easier to convict him, even as she made excuses for her father and brother. It had been much easier to simply hate him.

For a moment she closed her own eyes, but when she opened them, he was looking at her. His sorrow was so transparent, so raw, it made her breath catch. All she wanted to do was relieve him of it. The words rushed out of her, hoping he would understand, hoping she could make him realize that she didn’t hate him. “I know why you didn’t want anyone to know about my school. If people found out it could have hurt everything you were trying to accomplish here. I know you would never have said colored people couldn’t learn if I hadn’t told my father and brother about the school. You warned me not to say anything and I didn’t listen. You tried to warn me about having the children in the parlor, but I didn’t listen then either. The reason you didn’t want the boys in the stable wasn’t because you were afraid they would ruin something. You didn’t want them there because you didn’t want to have to treat them badly.”

“I was so proud of you for starting that school,” he said.

A silent breath of relief escaped her as she watched his torment lessen. “Were you angry with me for using the money I stole from you the way I did?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I didn’t know until Herlin told me what you really wanted it for. At first I was shocked, but I shouldn’t have been. I was proud of you for that, too. Those poor people needed that money. I am…am glad you did what you did.”

“You knew all along about the wood I bought for the cabins. Herlin told you about that right away, too?”

“Yes.”

His sheepish expression made her smile. “It was stupid of me to go out in the cold and do what I did to try to repair them. Thank you for being there and for bringing me inside.”

He smiled, too. “You’re welcome.”

Jessica crinkled her nose apologetically. “I’m sorry I kicked your knee. I’m sorry I punched you.”

His smile grew. “Remind me never to get into a fight with you again. You have a very good right hook.” Reaching up to his chin, he wiggled his jaw with his fingertips. “That last punch you gave me loosened two of my teeth.”

Their conversation lightened considerably, and they reminisced through the good times. They talked about how shy she’d been at first. Jessica wrinkled her nose in embarrassment, and he admitted he really believed she didn’t like him. She couldn’t resist telling him how handsome she thought he was. It made her smile when his modest surprise turned to bashful embarrassment.

He told her the day of the fair he realized how strong his feelings for her had become. He told her the day she came to Bent Oak Manor to meet the servants and shared her concerns for them, he didn’t want to follow through with the deception. His promise to repair the cabins was given because he hated seeing her upset, but he knew as soon as he made it, he wouldn’t be able to keep it. He wasn’t angry with her. He was angry with himself.

They talked of their shopping trips, their walks, their rides, their trips to Nashville, napping in the carriage together. She teased him about how difficult it was to rouse him from sleep, and about how his hair was messed up in the mornings. He teased her about her undeniable sweet tooth and her love of ice cream. Together they laughed.

Not long thereafter, he whispered, “I’m sorry, Jess, but I think I should rest for a while.”

Jessica was surprised, because he seemed to be doing well, not showing any of the typical indications he was tiring. She was disappointed, too, because she was having such a wonderful time. Nevertheless her concern outweighed her own wishes, and she quickly went in search of Herlin to help him.

She walked beside the wheelchair while Herlin pushed it back into the parlor. There, she lightly touched his shoulder and said quietly, “Thank you so much for today.” Leaning over him, she laid her hand gently against the side of his face and gave him a tender kiss on the cheek.

As she straightened, all she could think of was how easy it was to profess her love for the children, for her brother, her father, even Sebastian. Why then, couldn’t she say the words to him? She wanted to, she desperately wanted to, but they wouldn’t come out, just like they wouldn’t on the porch, or at any other time. This man had done so much for her. He had proven his love for her time and time again. And yet, here she was, feeling as if saying the words to him would be like jumping off a cliff into some deep, dark, terrifying abyss.

“Julien, I—”

The parlor door swung open and Jessica interrupted herself to see who it was.

The general and Etienne walked into the room. Sebastian Nash was with them.

Sebastian looked wonderful, and so handsome! His blond hair had grown since Jessica last saw him. It brushed his collar and it was a shade lighter, as if he’d spent time in the sun. All of his previously visible bruises and scars were gone. The only evidence of what he’d been through was a thin pink line by his left eyebrow.

“Sebastian!” she exclaimed.

His eyes sparkled. “It is so good to see you, Jessica. I have missed you very much.” And then he gave her a great bear hug, lifting her off her feet, and twirling her around.

Jessica supposed it was because she had never been this close to him before, but she couldn’t help noticing how much thicker than Julien he was. He was at least two inches taller, and much broader through the shoulders. Her arms around him felt full. Too full. Her mental image of the spook came to mind, and she wondered how she could have been so mistaken. The man she’d seen couldn’t possibly have been Sebastian.

He gave her a second quick squeeze and let her go to turn his attention to Julien. Jessica wasn’t offended by the short greeting. Julien was the one he came to see, and there would be time to visit with him later. But, when Jessica looked back at Julien, she knew instinctively he’d been watching while she and Sebastian embraced. Their eyes met briefly. His deep anguish was so plain to see, Jessica’s heart skipped a beat.

Sebastian walked right up to the wheelchair and lowered himself to a knee beside it so he was looking up at Julien. He picked up Julien’s hand from the arm of the chair, held it tightly between both of his and teased quietly, “Well, this is a switch, Jonny Grace. I think I prefer you in my shoes, worrying about me.” After an attentive pause he asked, “My friend, how are you?”

Julien took a breath. “I’m okay.”

Chuckling lightly, Sebastian said, “Somehow I expected you would say that. I have missed you.”

“Me, too,” Julien said.

They spoke quietly for a few minutes, and Jessica learned that since Sebastian left town, he and Julien had been writing to each other. Julien asked after Sebastian’s activities in Washington, to which Sebastian rambled briefly about some of the opposition he was encountering. He ended the subject by saying, “But don’t worry, the college will be as great as you foresaw it. I will carry on.”

Out of the silence that followed, slowly and seriously, Sebastian said, “I have a very good friend who taught me the true meaning of perseverance. He faced overwhelming odds and didn’t give up. He may have wanted to. He may have thought about it, but he didn’t.”

And then Sebastian lowered his voice and said earnestly, “I am so proud of you, Jonny. So very proud. I am extremely honored to know you and to be able to call you my friend.”

* * *

Sebastian prayed long and fervently, asking God to watch over Julien, to ease his suffering and to give his spirit peace. Jessica left, not only to give them privacy, but also because she didn’t want them to see the emotions Sebastian’s sincere words caused in her.

Later, while Julien slept, Sebastian came looking for her. Together, they sat on the porch and talked. Jessica was enthralled listening to all he’d accomplished since moving to Washington. The school Julien’s money was funding would be a teacher’s college. Along with working to get it up and running, Sebastian was lobbying for mandatory public education. He said he felt badly for leaving the children in Shanty Town, but they were in good hands with Reverend Amos, and if his efforts in Washington met with success, education would be available not only to them, but to all others like them throughout the United States.

It was so very good to talk to him. As always, he had a way of invoking her laughter. Jessica couldn’t help teasing him. “I’m glad you’re not really dead,” she said.

“Yeah, me too,” he chortled. But then he went on seriously, “Jonny didn’t want to tell you I was dead, but he didn’t know what else to do. He hates seeing you upset. He can’t stand to see you cry.”

Grimly, Jessica admonished her own ignorance for not realizing when Sebastian told her he was going to be leaving on that particular Saturday, it was his way of letting her know he wouldn’t be caught in that fire. The parsonage burned Saturday night. He would have been long gone. Like so many other things, she didn’t think it through. He told her Apostle was fine and being cared for by his neighbor in Washington. With a crooked grin, he added, “Jonny loves horses entirely too much to ever consider allowing one to burn.”

Jessica wondered how she could have ever been so blind. And Sebastian was apparently thinking along the same lines.

“I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out,” he said. “Do you remember how he threatened to stop tithing? Around the same time the church began receiving anonymous contributions. Much greater, by the way, than what he gave while he was attending. I didn’t want to believe they came from him, but I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to like him.” With a lopsided grin, he added, “I really didn’t want to give up that scarf. I loved that scarf.”

Jessica laughed, but then asked curiously, “What did he say to finally convince you to leave Mount Joy?”

“He told me he couldn’t handle another death on his conscience. He was under too much pressure already, and I didn’t want to add to that. I couldn’t do that to him. I had all these great plans to help people here see racism and prejudice for what it is, but what he was doing was far more important, far more needed. I can come back anytime to resume what I started.”

“My behavior certainly didn’t help,” Jessica said remorsefully. “So many times I said things just to hurt him, just to be cruel.”

Sebastian took a breath and held it, and when he looked at her, it felt like he was trying peer inside her mind. His searching expression didn’t match his casual tone when he said, “Jonny somehow got this crazy notion in his head that you and I are in love.”

Embarrassment had Jessica quickly averting her eyes. It took a minute for her to find the courage to look at him again. He smiled, but she knew him well enough to know it was forced.

Lightly he said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, honey. I am as much to blame.”

Jessica’s eyes widened.

“Maybe in another time, another place, another life…” He paused. “All Jonny wants for you is your happiness. His plan, when all of this was over, was to bring you to Washington, to bring you to me. His motivation for starting the college was as much to secure your future as it was to get me out of here.” Again he paused. “He doesn’t think you will ever be able to forgive him for what happened to your child.”

Jessica was so stunned, she blurted, “What happened to our baby wasn’t his fault!”

“He thinks it is,” Sebastian said. “He can’t forgive himself, so he can’t even begin to fathom how you might be able to forgive him.”

“But there’s nothing to forgive—” All Jessica could think of was how she told him she was glad their son was dead. She’d wanted to hurt him, but after she said those horrible things, she believed the only person affected by her careless words was her. The apology she’d given Julien on the porch wasn’t nearly enough!

“The thought of losing you was devastating him, Jessie,” Sebastian continued, “but he would rather break his own heart than see you stuck in a marriage to a man you don’t love. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, he gave up. He gave up hoping you and he could be reconciled. He gave up hoping you might someday be able to love him.”

* * *

Jessica was overwhelmed, comforted, thrilled and saddened all at the same time. Thoughts of her husband were constant. With each passing minute, she felt somehow stronger, as if she’d been out in the cold too long and it was taking a long time for the fire inside to warm her. The warmth was there now, comforting and wonderful. Prevailing over everything was the obvious improvement in Julien’s health, and this gave her an undeniable, deeply heartfelt hope.

There was no opportunity to speak with Etienne alone until just before dinner. Standing in the foyer outside of the dining room she told him briefly about her talk with Julien, and she thanked him for helping her to see things clearly. Etienne smiled and gave her a gentle squeeze. “I can see why Julien loves you so much,” he said.

During dinner the general didn’t seem nearly as intimidating. Jessica didn’t know whether it was the presence of both Etienne and Sebastian, or just because of her evolving, tender feelings for her husband.

The conversation for the majority of the meal was pleasant. But, as expected, it eventually turned to a discussion about Julien. Lingering despair was evident in all three of them. In an effort to ease their worry, Jessica said, “He seems much better today.”

“Yes, he does,” the general agreed.

“I wish he would take his meals with us,” she said.

“He prefers to eat alone.”

“He doesn’t eat much,” Jessica said. “The meals Ruth brings to him are barely touched. But today, while he was with me, he ate well. I think if he came here and ate with us, he would be inspired to eat more.”

“Mrs. Grace,” the general said curtly, “do you not comprehend the extent of his injuries, or the seriousness of his condition?”

“Yes.” All of their eyes were on her. “But he seems so much better.”

“He’s not getting better,” the general said sternly. “The doctor comes every day. There has been no improvement regardless of how he may seem to you.”

Jessica set her fork on the table. Hesitantly, she asked, “How much longer does the doctor say he has?”

“I knew sooner or later we would get around to this!” the general hissed. “I warned him not to give you this house unconditionally. Now I shall warn you, Mrs. Grace, I will destroy anyone who does anything to harm him. Don’t even think about turning him out! You let him be!”

“Seth!” Etienne rasped. “That’s enough!

Jessica stood up.

“Run away, Mrs. Grace!” The sarcasm lacing the general’s address was petrifying. “Jonny may be blind to your charms, but I am not. Don’t you think you’ve gotten enough out of him already? Let him die in peace, you bitch!”

An involuntary cry flew from her mouth, and Jessica did exactly as he predicted. She flew. Behind her she heard Etienne hiss, “Good God, Seth!”

Whether it was Etienne’s defense that gave her the courage, she didn’t know. What she knew was she couldn’t just leave and say nothing. At the door she turned back and cried, “If you care for him as much as you seem to, why don’t you pray that he lives instead of just sitting there anticipating his death? I would never kick him out of this house! You’re a horrid man, General!”

* * *

After Jessica splashed cold water on her face, and she was certain there were no telltale signs of her upset, she came downstairs and went directly to the parlor to spend the evening with her husband.

Following General Seth McLean’s tirade against her, both Etienne and Sebastian spoke with her. Etienne told her about Julien’s long standing relationship with Seth McLean. During the war, Julien risked his own life to save the general’s. The situation was extremely dangerous for Julien, because at the time he was posing as a Union officer. Somehow he slipped away long enough to drag the badly wounded general away from the thick of the fighting. Etienne said Jessica shouldn’t take the general’s anger personally. The general was having a difficult time dealing with his grief.

Sebastian told her something of the general’s history that perhaps shed light on why she’d become the target for his anger. Early in his marriage, the general’s wife left him for another and the betrayal hurt him badly. Sebastian said the general had vowed to never trust a woman again. How Sebastian knew all of this, Jessica didn’t know. She could only assume he somehow managed to get the intimidating man to confide in him. Before he left her, Sebastian said the general only needed to be assured Jessica’s intentions toward Julien were not vengeful or malicious, and he promised the general would have no further outbursts.

In the parlor, for a while Jessica played the piano. At one point, Etienne left, but Sebastian was still there, slouched in a wingchair he’d dragged over and set near Julien’s rocking chair. He was the one who whispered to her that he believed Julien was asleep.

Quietly, so as not to disturb her husband’s rest, Jessica tiptoed over to sit near him. His eyes were lightly closed and he was breathing lightly, but steadily. He looked comfortable and relaxed.

“Julien really loves to listen to you play,” Sebastian murmured.

Copying his hushed tone, she said, “I’ve never known anyone who enjoys music the way he does. I’ve never known anyone who appreciates what I can do the way he does. I love to play for him. It means more to me than I know how to say.”

“The manuscripts I gave you at Christmastime weren’t from me,” Sebastian said.

Of course they weren’t. She should have known. Jessica merely nodded and smiled.

At that moment the general and Etienne entered the room. Regardless of the assurances Sebastian and Etienne had given her, the hackles on Jessica’s neck rose. At the same time she was bewildered. Tucked under the general’s arm was a violin.

“Mrs. Grace,” he said, bowing slightly. It was the first time he addressed her without a sarcastic undertone. His focus moved to Julien. Following it, she saw that Julien’s eyes were open.