Savory Deceits (21 page)

“Tony,” I started to say.

“Yes, or no, Nena!” He shouted. I exhaled, and then realized, there was no getting out of this.

“I thought I was.” I managed to say.

“What?” He asked, confused.

“At the time,” I began, “I thought I was in love with him, but right now, I don’t know. All I know is that I do not want to give up on us. We have been through too much together, for us to throw it all away now. I cannot take back what I did. I wish I could, but I cannot. Right now, what I may, or may not feel, for Chris does not matter. What matters is…”

“It matters to me!” He interjected. “How do you expect us to get past this, and work on our marriage, when you’re not even sure where your heart is?” He asked, shaking his head at me.

“My heart is with you!” I shouted.

“Then why can’t you look me in the eye, and tell me that you don’t love him?” He yelled back.

“Tony please,” I pleaded.

“No!” He shouted, getting off the couch. “You let me apologize, over and over, for what I
almost
did, all the while knowing that you slept with my best friend! I felt terrible for what I did to you, and the whole time, you were keeping that from me!” He yelled, shaking his head at me again.

“I know, I know! And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” I tried to explain.

“Didn’t mean to what? Fuck him, or get pregnant with his kid?” He asked coldly, unwittingly reiterating Naima’s words. The mention of my baby was like a gut-check to my stomach. My tears were coming again, but I held them back.

“It wasn’t his.” I whispered feeling mentally, and emotionally, defeated. Then, Tony stopped.

“What did you say?” He asked eyes narrowed. Dejectedly, I wiped the tears from my eyes, and looked at him. Talking about my baby was extremely hard for me to do.

“I said it wasn’t his.” I repeated.

“And how would you know?” He asked me. I recalled the day before I were discharged from the hospital. I had asked the doctor for a paternity test, before I signed the papers, to have our son cremated.

“I had them run a DNA test before I left the hospital. They still had some samples of your blood, from the blood drive we did together. Your DNA matched his. He was yours Tony; yours and mine.” I said dolefully, but hopeful. However, Tony blankly stared at me, and for a minute there, I thought I saw relief in his eyes. Yet, there was so much pain as well. In spite of my unfaithfulness, I knew that somewhere in his heart, he wanted my baby to be his. I had wished for the same thing too, hoping that it could somehow save our marriage, but that little bit of doubt, has always lingered, until now.

“What? Am I supposed to be happy?” He asked bitterly. “Am I supposed to be jumping for joy right now, because he
happened
to be mine?” He said, still angry with me. His words hurt me, but I could not blame him for feeling that way.

“No. I did not expect you to be. I just thought that you should know.” I said sadly. Then, I looked away disappointed, and more tears fell.

“Well, thanks.” His sarcasm crushed me. Then, he looked down at me, and shook his head again. At that moment, I could not take his judgment anymore.

              “What do I have to do, to make us okay again? What do you want from me?” I screamed, standing to meet his scrutiny.

              “Your heart!” He shouted back.

              “Can’t you see that I’m trying to give you that?” I said through tears.

              “How can you give me something that belongs to someone else?” He argued.

              “How can you say that?” I questioned.

              “How can you deny it?” He retorted. Then, I shook my head, ready to give up. This going back and forth was not helping the situation.

              “When you were lying in that hospital bed, fighting for your life,
he
was the one you called out for! Not me! Your husband!” Tony screamed at me. I opened my mouth to protest, but nothing came out. I did not remember doing that. I was in and out of consciousness at the hospital, and could not remember what I had said during that time, and to whom. “Do you know how it made me feel to watch you lying there helpless, and in pain, and to hear you call out his name? Do you know what that did to me? And now you want to stand there, and try to tell me, that you’re not in love with him!” He was disgusted with me, and I deserved it.

“Why can’t you believe me when I say that you’re the one I love, and that you’re the one I want to be with? Why is that so hard for you to believe?” I pleaded. It was hard not to cry, because my heart was breaking. I started to tremble, and then hugged my body, but I could not stop shaking. Then, Tony came, and stood in front of me, within arm’s reach, but did not touch me.

              “Oh, I believe it. Believe me I do. I just don’t trust it.” He said. I could tell it pained him to admit that.               “Then trust your heart. What is your heart telling you to do?” I asked, looking up at him, wanting to touch him, but did not. Then, he searched my eyes.

              “I already know what my heart wants. I just want to be sure, that you want me, and only me.” He said. At once, Tony placed both of his hands on either sides of my face, pulled me to him, and then kissed me. That was the last thing I expected from him, but I was relieved it happened. As he kissed me, I pressed my body against his. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms, and never let go. I needed him to make love to me, and erase the past year. I had to get Chris out of my head, and out of my system. I could feel Tony grow hard against me, and I slid my hands under his shirt. Then suddenly, without warning, he pulled away.

              “What? What is it?” I asked, still reeling from his kiss. I did not want to talk anymore. I just wanted to feel. I needed an escape from the emotional suffering.

              “I can’t.” He said, looking me in the eye. He stepped away from me, and I tried to reach out to him, but he pushed away from me.

              “Tony,” I said, taking a step towards him. Then, he held his hand up in protest.

              “No, I can’t. I love you Nena, but I cannot go there with you right now. Just the mere thought of you, and him, together in that way pisses me off.” I stopped, looked away, and then nodded my head.

              “I understand. You need time.” I said reluctantly.               “Yeah,” he whispered. I blinked back tears, and avoided his eyes. I wanted everything to be the way they were again, before infidelity and deception, plagued our marriage. I knew that I was partly to blame for it all. Ever since he cheated with Ashleigh, our marriage has never been the same. I never fully trusted him afterwards, and maybe that was how I could so easily turn to another man. Since then, Tony had tried everything in his power, to be a better husband to me, but I could not let the past go. Although I have always resented him, for what he did, I loved him enough to want to fight for our marriage. Emotionally exhausted, I made my way back to the sofa, and sat down. He needed time away from me, just as Naima did. He needed to figure out, and be sure, that he wanted to stay in this marriage. My intentions were clear. I wanted to be with him, but I could tell that he was unsure, of whether or not he wanted that too.

              “I’m going to go pack some things, and head to the ship.” He said. I nodded again, without looking at him. Then, he went into the bedroom, and I just sat there on the sofa, trying not to cry. I listened as he unzipped, and zipped his bag. Every tear that escaped my eyes, and cascaded down my face, I quickly wiped away. I thought back to when we were happy. We were so in love. Life seemed so simple back then. Now, we were not even comfortable being in the same house together. Despite everything that happened, I did not want our marriage to end. He needed time, and I was willing to give him that. Moments later, Tony came out of the bedroom carrying a duffel bag. He picked up his keys, and then stopped, to look at me.

              “I’ll call you before we leave.” He said. With my head down, I nodded once again. Then he turned and left.

              Once he was gone, I curled up on the sofa, and cried. I felt so alone. I wished I could call Naima, but she wanted her space too. Once again, I thought of Chris. Throughout this whole ordeal, he respectfully kept his distance. I missed our friendship. He must be going through hell worrying about me, I thought. I was so preoccupied with trying to fix things with Tony, and Naima, that I did not think about Chris, and what he must have been going through all this time. After all, he did think that my baby was his. As of right now, I wrestled with the idea of calling him. It has been over a month, since I left the hospital. I vaguely remembered him being at my bedside, and hearing his voice, but I could not remember seeing him there. It was always Tony. At this point, for all I knew, Chris’ ship could still be either in port, or under way. Then, suddenly, I remembered my cell phone. I quickly sat up, and looked around. Where could it be? I thought back to when I last used it. Then, I got off the couch, and headed for the bedroom. Going straight into our large, walk-in closet, I was in search of a particular purse. When I finally found the black and gold handbag I wore the night I told Tony and Naima everything, I dug through it.

              At last, after a few seconds, I was relieved when I felt my hand brush against the small device, at the bottom of my purse. I grabbed it and stood, dropping the bag. Leaving the closet, I went to the bed, and sat down. When I pressed the display button on the side of my phone, the screen did not light up. Then, I scanned the room for my charger, and finally spotted the little black cord, sticking out from behind the dresser. Getting up, I made my way to the dresser, and plugged the phone up. Instantly, the battery icon lit up. Then, I set the phone on the dresser, and went back to the bed. Sitting there, I thought about what I would say to Chris. Would he even be happy to hear from me?               Chances are he was worried sick about me. I glanced at the phone on the dresser, and knew that it was going to take some time, for it to fully charge. Then I got up, and went into the bathroom, to run myself a bath, while I waited. Habitually, standing in front of the mirror naked, I surveyed my body. I could see how being pregnant has changed it. My stomach was not as firm as it used to be, and my waist was about an inch or two wider. With my finger, I traced the little squiggly lines, clear indication of stretch marks that ran up and down my abdomen. With my other hand, I brushed my fingertips over my C-section scar, and thought about my baby. My breasts were still swollen, and tender, from the milk. Then my eyes, which were still puffy and red, from all the crying, trailed back up to my face. As I stared at my reflection, I thought about who I was, and then thought about everyone else’s perception, of the type of person they thought I was. Neither of which existed anymore. After a while, standing there, and facing me in the mirror, felt empowering. I no longer wanted to hide who I was, or how I felt about anything, no matter the repercussions. I needed to live for myself, and not others. Then, for the first time in a long time, I smiled. I was taking back control of my life. I needed to get back out there, and live. If not for anything, at least live the life that my baby never got the chance to live. No more crying, or feeling sorry for myself, over the things I could not change. Even though I still felt horrible, about the series of events that transpired over the last few months, I knew that I could not stop living my life, because of it. I soon came to the realization that if it was meant to be, for Tony and me, it will be. Until then, I had to focus on finishing school, and starting my career in Psychology. Since the fall semester was almost over, I had to wait for January, to re-enroll. Thanksgiving was less than two weeks away now, and Tony’s ship would be underway. I thought about going back to Wisconsin for the holidays, because I missed home, as well as my friends. Yet, I missed Naima most of all. After what I have done to her, the least I could do was honor her request, of keeping some distance between us. Now, I turned away from the mirror, and went to the tub. After turning off the water, I slowly stepped into the hot bath, and lowered myself into the porcelain sauna. The steaming water felt so good, that it instantly relaxed my muscles. Then, I rested my head on the bath pillow behind me, and closed my eyes. It was not long, before I drifted off into a world, where everything was perfect, and everyone was happy. I saw my baby alive, kicking and smiling back at me. I could see him spitting up on one of Naima’s expensive silk blouses, and watching her have a fit over it. Then, I saw Tony and Chris together, like the best friends they were, laughing at each other’s tales from the ship. Everyone was happy. I missed those days. I believed that in time, Tony and Naima will come around, but until then, I was inclined to give them the space they needed. In the meantime, I had to clear the air with Chris. The thought of him suddenly made me nervous. He was, without a doubt, hard to forget. Soon, I opened my eyes, and stared up at vaulted ceiling.

“It’s now, or never.”

22

~CHRIS~

It was a relief to get off work, not to mention get off that damn ship. I could not wait to get home, hit the gym, and take a much-needed nap. Thoughts of Nena kept me up at night, and distracted me from my job. As I walked to my car, recollections of how good she felt in my arms, surfaced in my head. Her smile alone, warmed my heart, and made me feel like nothing else in this world mattered. Nena made me feel in a way no woman has ever done before. I have certainly come close to being in love in the past, but none of those experiences measured up to what I feel for Nena. When I reached my car, I dug into my pocket for my keys.