Say You'll Stay (2 page)

“Presley, are you there?”

“He’s not breathing. He has no pulse,” I say as the fear sharpens every nerve in my body. I’m breaking apart as the words spill from my mouth.

She talks as I fall back on my heels. “Take a few deep breaths. Can you have your children open the door for the police?”

“No.” I have to protect them. He’s dead. My husband of thirteen years just took his own life. “They can’t see this. I can never let them see him like this.”

Why would he do this? How am I going to tell them? How? I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.

“All right, Presley, I need you to open the front door. The officers are almost there.”

“My boys. I-I have to . . .”

“Go to the front door, shield the boys as much as you can. They’ll be there in less than three minutes. Can you do that?”

Can I do anything?

Can I move?

Tears fall as I release my arms. “Why, Todd?” I whisper. A sob erupts from my chest as I stand there unable to move. “Why?”

“Are you still there?” Donna asks.

“I’m here. I can’t breathe. They can’t see him like this. He’s just . . .”

“I know, Presley. Take a deep breath, help is almost there. Can you go downstairs and bring them to a neighbor?”

I fall to the ground. My knees hit the unforgiving floor, but it’s nothing compared to the pain in my chest. I sit, unmoving, as my life falls apart. I have to think of those precious boys whose lives are about to be altered. The only thing I can do is be certain they’re protected. I wipe my face and try to pull myself together as much as I can.

“I’m heading there now.”

“Okay, I’ll remain on the phone with you until the officer arrives if you’d like.”

Right now, Donna is the only person that knows. If I disconnect the call, then this is it. It’s irrational and ridiculous, but once this call disconnects . . . it’s all real. “Please. I can’t do this alone.”

“Of course. I’m right here. You’re not alone, Presley.”

I manage to lift myself off the floor. My feet somehow move forward. I head to the living room, and Logan looks up.

“Mom?” He stands.

“I need you boys to go out the back and knock on Mrs. Malgieri’s door. Play with Ryan until I come get you,” I instruct on autopilot. My eyes close as I fold my arm around my torso.

Logan rushes over. He’s always been my more sensitive soul. This is going to crush him. “What’s wrong?”

I place my hand against his cheek as a tear falls. “You and Cayden go, and I’ll be there in a bit.” My voice cracks as the pain rips through me. My boys. My sweet, innocent, and loving boys will never be the same. Cayden’s eyes well as I’m sure he hears the pain in my words.

“You’re doing great, Presley,” Donna encourages. “They’re one minute out.”

“You’re scaring me, Mom.” He looks at me with his big, green eyes.

“I need to handle something and you don’t need to be here.” I fight back the sob building inside me, knowing that my children are about to be destroyed.

Logan’s arms encircle my middle, and Cayden pulls him back. “Is it Dad?” he asks.

“Go! Now!” I’m no longer able to maintain my composure. I just need them to go. I know I’ve scared them, and I can see they’re freaking out inside, but I can’t catch my breath. “I’m sorry. I need you both to get up right now and go over to Ryan’s house.”

“Come on, Logan, let’s go.” Cayden has always been more perceptive. He reads between the lines and can often see things that most kids his age can’t.

There’s no fooling them. My face must be red and my eyes swollen from crying. Cayden stares at me as my chin quivers. “We’re going to be okay.”

“Mom?” Logan asks as I can no longer hold back the tears.

A tear falls from Cayden’s face as I pull them into my arms. “I love you.”

I stare at them, praying I can find a way to make this okay. Reluctantly they release me and head out the back door. I watch them go and cry. I cry for them. For me. And for how much pain this is going to cause them.

When they disappear from my view, I walk to the front door and open it. The police car approaches, lights blazing, and the hollowness swallows me.

“P
RESLEY!” ANGIE CALLS OUT AS
she enters the house. I’m sitting on the couch where I’ve been for the last forty minutes. The police called Angie and asked her to come before they had even finished taking my statement. I went over everything I knew, and they handed me tissues as I struggled with my agony. The paramedics are upstairs taking care of the body.

She rushes forward. “Ang?” I stare at her, watching the fear in her eyes. My heart breaks knowing I’m about to tear her world apart.

“Is it the boys?”

I shake my head.

“No!” She sinks next to me as I pull her into my arms. “Oh, God,” Angie cries and we cling to each other.

I lean back as she wipes her eyes. “I don’t . . . I don’t know how to tell you this.” It’s so much worse.

“Tell me what?”

“He . . . he . . . he hung himself.” My chest heaves as I say the words aloud.

“No, no, no, no,” she says over and over. “Why? How? No! He would never! You’re lying!”

“He did.”

Her eyes fill with confusion. “No. You’re wrong!” Angie stands and moves around. “Not Todd. He loves you. He loves those boys more than anything. I don’t believe you. He wouldn’t do this!”

I don’t really believe it either. “I wish I was lying. I wish this was a bad dream, but it’s not. He . . . he . . .” My breaths come in small bursts as I struggle to inhale. This is too much. “I saw him h-h-hanging f-from the bathroom beam!” I scream and sob hysterically. “I’m not lying! I’m . . . I’m . . .”

The officer that sits beside me grips my shoulders and instructs me to inhale slowly. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. I repeat this process until I’m not on the verge of a panic attack.

Angie cries with me, letting out her own sounds of devastation. We clutch each other and mourn the loss of a man we love.

Twenty minutes later, just as Angie and I have settle together and calmed into quiet weeping, the paramedics appear on the staircase. A black bag lies on the gurney, holding the man I planned to grow old with, the father of my children, and all the hopes of the life I’d imagined. No more dinners. No more kisses. No more laughs can be shared between us. Because he decided he couldn’t. And I don’t even know why.

We have a beautiful home, stable jobs, smart and healthy kids. I’m so confused. I keep waiting for Todd to walk down the stairs and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

I stand, staring at the blackness that fills my view.

The emptiness drains the parts of me that were once so full. It takes over the hope I once had, making it black and ugly. They wheel him out as I crumple to the floor. Angie rushes over to me, enveloping me in her arms, and holds on.

“I’m so sorry, Pres.”

“I’m sorry, too.” I release her and know what I have to do now. “I have to go get the boys.”

“Oh, God,” she gasps, covering her mouth. “What do they know?”

“They know something’s wrong and it’s about their father. I have to go get them. They’re probably terrified.”

I manage to pull myself up as the last police officer lingers by the back door. He walks over as I squeeze my arms around my stomach. “Here’s my card, Mrs. Benson. If you need anything, please give me a call.”

I nod and close my eyes. I need for this to not be real, but he can’t do that. “Thanks.”

Angie’s hand rests on my back. “Do you want me to stay?”

“Please,” I say and she heads to the couch. I hear her moan break free as I walk the officer out.

“I can stay here if it’ll help,” he offers.

“I appreciate it. I don’t think anything is going to help.” I grip the card in my hand as a lifeline. “How do I tell them?” I ask this man who is a stranger. I need someone to tell me what to do.

“I wish I could tell you, Mrs. Benson. I don’t know that there is a right way.” He looses a sigh. “I’ve made too many notifications, and it’s never easy. Just be honest, and be there for them.”

“Thank you, Officer . . . ?” I realize I don’t know his name. This man comforted me for the last hour, and I don’t even know his name.

“Walker. Michael Walker.”

“Thank you for your help, Officer Walker. I don’t know how I’m going to do this alone. I’ve never been alone.” As the word leaves my lips, it hits me. Alone. Yeah, I have the boys, but my husband is gone.

“We’ll tell them together,” Angie says from behind me.

The officer nods, gets in his car, and we head over to do the last thing in the world I want to do—tell the boys. I look at Angie, whose face is covered in black streaks. She loved her brother so much. He had so much love and support around him. So many people to talk to, and he chose this? I can’t get my head around this.

I wipe my face and then knock. Mrs. Malgieri opens the door. Her hands fly to her mouth as my eyes close again. “Oh, Presley.” She pulls me into her arms. “Please tell me he’s okay. We saw the lights and the boys said something was wrong.”

I remove myself from her embrace. If it’s hard to tell her, it’s going to be pure agony with the boys. My face falls as my eyes close. “Are the boys here? I-I . . .”

“I’m so very sorry, honey.”

This is going to be the first in a long line of apologies. “Thank you. I need to talk to them.”

“They’re watching television, but they’re very quiet and scared.” Her eyes fill with sorrow.

I hold my breath, trying to stay strong. “Thank you for keeping them.”

Logan must hear my voice, because next thing I know, he’s barreling toward me crying. “Mom, I saw the lights. Where’s Dad?”

I crouch down, grip his hand in mine, and see Cayden standing behind him, unmoving. “Cay, come here.” I extend my other hand.

He shakes his head as I battle all emotions I’m feeling. I have to be strong for them. “Cayden,” Angie says from behind me, unable to stop her steady stream of tears. “Come here, buddy.”

He heads into his aunt’s arms. They’ve always had a special bond, and I’m grateful she’s here for him. I look at both of them and decide right then that I can’t tell them everything. I don’t want to lie to them, but I have to protect their hearts. If they know this was his choice, I don’t know that they’ll ever recover. How could he not think they were worth living for? I won’t let them feel that.

“Boys.” I struggle to speak. “Your Daddy . . . his heart . . . it . . . it stopped . . . the paramedics, they tried so hard but they couldn’t . . .” I inhale slowly and deeply, trying to compose myself before I completely shatter their world. “I’m so sorry, babies. I’m so sorry, but Daddy went to Heaven.”

Logan’s arms drape around my neck as he sobs. I rub his back, trying to soothe him. I can no longer hold inside the agony I feel. I sob. We hold each other and he soaks my shirt. I look over at Cayden, who’s being comforted by Angie. He cries and shakes his head back and forth.

Logan pushes back, balling his fists. “He was upstairs! He has to be okay, Mom!” He shakes his head. “He . . . he’s . . . he’s strong, and the doctors need to try harder!”

“They tried, buddy.” I attempt to pull him into my arms, but he moves so I can’t grab him. “Th-they tried . . . so many times.” I fall apart as I watch my son grapple with the truth.

“Try again!” Logan screams as he rushes out the door and across the yard. “He needs help!”

Cayden doesn’t say anything. Angie tilts her head, letting me know it’s okay for me to go after Logan.

“Dad!” Logan calls out as he reaches the front door. “Dad!” he screams as tears fall down his face. “Daddy! No . . . no, Daddy!” He heads toward the stairs, but I grab him before he can get that far.

My heart breaks into a million pieces. I pull him into my arms as he fights to get out. I don’t let go, and he doesn’t stop attempting to get where his father last was. He cries and calls out for Todd, struggling with his grief. With each scream, I cry harder. After a few minutes, his screams stop, he turns into my chest, and his body goes limp. I hold him tight and murmur words that are useless in this moment.

“H-he can’t be gone, Mom. He . . . he was supposed to help me with my project. He promised. He wouldn’t break a promise.”

I kiss the top of his head, rocking to soothe both of us. “I know, baby. I’m sorry.” I sit on the hardwood floor, staring at the ceiling and wishing he would come back. If this could all be a joke, then I could put my boys back together. I could fix this. Hearing their cries is killing me.

“Make him come back. Please, please, just make him come back.” His voice cracks as he begs.

If only I could. God, if only.

Cayden and Angie make their way to the front door. They both wrap their arms around Logan and me on the floor. We hold each other in the hallway, each trying to find some comfort. Time passes, darkness falls, but we stay huddled and take turns crying.

Eventually, we move to the living room. I call my parents, telling them to come here right away. Angie calls her parents and brother in Florida. I can hear my mother-in-law’s screams through the phone.

Getting through the next few days is going to take a miracle. Everyone is on their way while we try to get from one minute to the next.