Say You'll Stay (34 page)

The feeling of betrayal was so strong, I vowed never to speak to him again. It wasn’t rational. I don’t know that many of our choices at eighteen were, but thinking about him and another girl was the end of my rope. My hormones and emotions were all over the place.

“I wasn’t with anyone.” He strides closer. “It took me years to even look at another girl!”

“She wasn’t the issue. It was that I needed you.” He doesn’t get it. “I called and some chick answers a month later?”

“Fucking hell, Presley! That was seventeen years ago and there was no one else.”

“Jesus!” I throw my hands in the air. “So now the seventeen years ago is fine for you, but not me?” I cry out. “You know what? I don’t care! I’m just explaining why I never called you again.”

He looks away and then back to me. “It’s bullshit! And not only that, but what does that matter? You ended things with me! You chose to walk away and be done because you didn’t want to wait the three years.”

“I didn’t think you’d move on so fast.”

“I didn’t! Maybe it was my agent who answered the phone, did you ever think about that?”

I sure as hell didn’t at the time. And I don’t care because that’s not the damn point. That was the argument we could’ve had back then. “No, but that’s not what this fight is about. I didn’t think that because I was pregnant and losing a baby.”

“How do two people remember the same thing so differently?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m so fucking mad,” he admits.

I understand his feelings, but neither of us were perfect. If I’d told him about the baby a few months ago, what would it have done? It was a million years ago, and losing that baby was the single most lifealtering moment until Todd’s death.

“So you get drunk and show up at my house? Decide you want to yell at me? Tell me how wrong I am? You don’t think you could’ve handled this a little different?”

“I handled this wrong?” He chortles. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

“We both did!” I yell back. “I’m not saying I was right, but how is this helping us?”

This is the Presley and Zachary of old times. Two hot-headed and emotional people. Yes, he’s sweet and loving, but he has an angry side. When you poke the bear, he roars loud. Funny thing is that I’m the same. He’s pissed me off by coming here yelling at me.

“No, you know what’s wrong, Presley?” The rage rolls off him in waves. “Getting back to my house last night, ready to see you, and then finding out we had a baby and you’ve been lying to me for seventeen years.”

“How did you hear about this, Zachary?” Now I’m angry. He wants to be a condescending prick? I’ll go right back at him. The only person who knows is Angie, and she didn’t tell him. “Huh? Who opened your eyes to the lying bitch that I am?”

He winces slightly. “I never called you a bitch.”

“Who told you?” My voice is eerily calm. Almost sweet, but there’s nothing sweet about this.

“It’s irrelevant.”

“The hell it is!” I yell while marching toward him.

He buries his hands in his hair and moves away from me again. “I need to know why you didn’t tell me.” Zach’s anger has dissolved. The hostility that was there has morphed into disappointment. “After everything we’ve talked about, how the hell could you keep this from me?”

There are a variety of answers I could give him. My life has been a road paved with spikes and nails. I’ve plugged, patched, and replaced the tire, but the car has never ridden the same. The loss of a child isn’t a patch job.

Zach’s back is against the wall, so I walk toward him until we’re touching. “I never speak about it. Somewhere deep inside of me, it lives, but for the most part, I don’t think about it ever. You were the one man I dreamt my whole life of sharing a child with. When that dream became my worst nightmare, I became hollow.” His eyes lock on mine. “When I got back here, I was dealing with Todd’s suicide, my debt, my boys, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to that pain too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but honestly, I didn’t want to live in the past once we’d made the decision to start over.”

“You had no problem throwing the past in my face,” he says with frustration.

He’s right. I didn’t. “I was wrong.”

“I’ve lived with guilt for all these years from walkin’ away from the girl I loved more than anything. I’ve struggled with forgiving myself. I’ve fought every damn day to prove that I’m better for you!” He moves forward, forcing me to retreat. “I’ve given you every part of me, Presley.” His chest heaves as tears form in his own eyes. “Me! Only me! I’ve kept all your secrets! I’ve stood by your side. Held you when you’ve cried over everything that Todd put you through!”

“I didn’t ask you to keep secrets,” I scream. “So now you’re going to use Todd’s suicide against me?” I push him back. “I was leaning on you. Do you think it was easy for me to tell you that he killed himself?”

“Don’t talk about my daddy!” Logan rushes forward, pushing against Zach.

My stomach drops. I don’t know when he got here, but this wasn’t supposed to be how my son learned the truth.

This is all my fault. Secrets come to light no matter how hard we try to bury them.

“L
OGAN!” I RUSH TOWARD HIM.

“That didn’t happen! My daddy would never! He loved me!” He slams his hands on Zach’s legs.

Zach crouches down and holds Logan. “Of course he loved you,” Zach says, looking at me with regret.

“You’re not allowed to yell at my mom!” He continues to thrash in his arms. “You’re not my dad!”

“I know, little man. I know I’m not. But I care about you.”

“No, you don’t! You’ll never be my dad! I hate you!”

The stitches holding together my shredded heart rip apart. Again my son is hurting. I’m so inept. I don’t know how to do this. How do I keep screwing up?

I grab Logan and pull him into my arms. “Stop! Logan, stop!”

He fights me away, trying to get to Zach. “Logan.” Zach’s voice is desolate. “Logan, I’m not . . . I . . . I would never try to take your dad’s place.” His eyes are filled with fear. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe Logan heard what I said. “I would never hurt your mom.”

I cradle him. “Zach and I . . .” I start but what the hell do I even say? We were fighting? So what? He never should have heard it like this. “I’m sorry, Lo.”

“Why did you lie about Daddy? Why did you say he killed himself? He didn’t.” Logan begins to cry. “His heart stopped!”

“His heart did stop,” I explain.

He looks at me with so much pain in his eyes. “You told me he was in Heaven. You didn’t tell me killed himself! You didn’t tell me that he didn’t want to be with us anymore.”

I take Logan’s face in my hands. “No, he loved you and wanted to be with you!”

“You’re lying,” he cries. “You made us move here. We didn’t want to come here. We wanted to stay in our home.” His tears stream as my heart breaks. “I want my dad back!”

“I know you do. I wish he never left us either.”

“You can’t say that!” he yells. “You love Zach!”

“Logan,” Zach says, touching his arm. “Your mama loved your daddy so much. She told me about how much she misses him. She told me all about what a great man he was. How he took care of you, took you to hockey games.”

“My daddy was the best!” he says with defiance.

“He had to be if he had you and Cayden.”

Logan looks away with tears falling.

“Logan,” I say with tenderness.

“He was yelling at you! Daddy never yelled at you!”

“What’s wrong?” Angie asks out of breath with Cayden’s hand in hers. She sees all of us with tears running down our faces. “Logan?”

“Tell her, Aunt Angie!” he begs. “Tell Mom that Daddy didn’t kill himself!”

Cayden’s body locks and Angie holds him close. His eyes dart to mine and Angie’s.

“Lo,” she hiccups. “It’s so much more complicated than this.”

Wyatt, Cooper, Mama, and Daddy arrive behind her.

“Mom?” Cayden asks.

“You’re all wrong!” Logan screams. “He . . . he . . . he . . .” Logan turns his head into my chest. “He wouldn’t kill himself!”

“Cayden,” I say softly with my arm open.

He charges forward and wraps his arms around me. “Why?” he asks. “Is it true?”

Angie looks at me and her lip quivers. I beg her with my eyes to say something. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m losing everything all over again.

“You know that your daddy was my brother,” she says as she walks forward slowly, “and that I miss him every day, but sometimes things happen that we can’t explain. It’s hard and it hurts, but know how much he loved you both.”

“He loved my mom!” Logan yells.

This is so out of character for him. He’s always been the docile one. Reasonable and intuitive.

I cling to the boys as I grapple with the wounds I’ve caused. I was protecting them, or so I thought. It would’ve been hard and hurtful if I’d told them in the beginning, but maybe it would’ve been fine by now. I’ve been dying inside from carrying all of this on my own.

Angie looks at me, and her breath catches as tears pour down her face. “He did.” Her voice is low and broken. “He loved us all so much. But he was very sad, baby.”

A sob breaks from my chest. “He loved you and Cayden so much!” I pull them tight. “Never ever doubt that.”

No matter what Todd chose, I will never let them feel unloved. I wonder if he loved us so much that he couldn’t bear to witness us suffer. I think about the man he was, and how much we were the center of his world. Someone who loves that hard doesn’t choose to walk away that easily. As much as his choice destroyed things, it brought me here. It gave me my family, friends, and Zach. Todd may have broken a part of me, but he also healed a piece that was already damaged. I wish it never had to come to this.

Cayden begins to cry harder. “I don’t understand. If he loved us, how could he leave?” His voice trembles.

I think he knew once all his lies were exposed, he would’ve lost me in some way, so he let me go the only way he could. On his terms.

“Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes we have to love that person and find comfort that he’s not suffering anymore.” I wipe the tears that fall. “He’ll always be in our hearts and our memories. That’ll never go away.”

My daddy enters the barn slowly and sinks next to me. “Do you remember what I told you boys about a daddy’s love?” They both look at their granddad and nod. “Remember I told you that the why doesn’t matter, it’s the forever?” He reaches his hand out and touches my face and then looks back at them. “Whatever your daddy’s reasons were don’t matter. What you need to remember is that he loves you forever. And he’ll live inside of you. He’s watchin’ over you, givin’ you love when you need to feel it. Like right now.”

The rest of my family comes around us.

“We all love you,” Mama says. “More than my own life.”

“But,” Logan says.

“No, son.” My father cuts him off. “There are no buts in this. He knew you boys needed the love of your family. He made sure your mama was taken care of. You may not understand it, but even from Heaven, your daddy’s lookin’ out for you. You’re hurtin’, but look around right now. You have all these people lovin’ on you.”

Cooper steps forward and drops to his knees. “No matter what happened, you’re not alone,” he says, looking at me and then the boys. “You don’t have to keep what you’re feeling inside. We’re here for you guys and your mama.”

A shattered cry falls from my lips as I break apart. I’ve held this in, letting it fester and rip my insides to shreds. I’ve let my own fears force me to suffer more than I had to. There’s no judgment in their eyes. Just unconditional love.

I look over at Zach. The man who’s been my everything for the last six months. The man who’s given me more love and compassion than anyone, yet I’ve kept things from him. I’ve possibly severed my relationship for a secret that’s seventeen years old.

“I love you,” I say to both Logan and Cayden. “I love you so much,” I say looking in Zach’s eyes.

He shakes his head and looks away.

Wyatt nudges him and tilts his head. They both stand and walk toward the door where we can’t hear them. His hand rests on Zach’s shoulder as Zach’s body slumps down. I want to call out to him, comfort him, but I don’t even know where we stand.

So much has been said.

So many hearts that need healing.

He looks over at me, nods his head, and walks out of view.