Scandalous (20 page)

Why I had kept it, I don't know.
I hate to think that maybe somewhere, subconsciously, I wanted to hook up with Roman again.
Or maybe it was that subconsciously I knew I would need his number someday.
Well, I was glad to have this shirt right about now, even though I trembled as I thought about what I had to do.

It took me a moment when I went into the bedroom.
I sat on the edge of the bed, stared at the white T-shirt, then snatched the telephone, and dialed the number before I could change my mind.
On the other end, the phone barely rang once before he answered.

“
I've been waiting for your call, Jasmine,
”
he said without saying hello.

How in the heck did he know it was me?
This guy was getting scarier by the minute.
“
Roman,
”
I said his name calmly, even though the memory of what he'd done made anger boil inside of me.
“
This is it.
No more calls, no more visits, nothing.
”

“
I don't think so, Jasmine.
I would've thought by now that you’d know we would always be together.
”

My anger burst into rage.
“
Do you remember what you did to me?
”

“
What?
”
His tone was so full of innocence that for a moment, I wondered if what happened, really happened.

“
You know what,
”
I said.
My jaw was so tight, it was hard to get my words out.
But I was clear; he heard me.
And to make it clearer, I added,
“
You.
Raped.
Me.
”

He raped me again when he laughed.
“
Is that what you call it?
Call it what you want, sweetheart.
Having sex, making love, rape, it's all the same to me.
Whatever you want to call it is fine with me.
”

I needed to end this phone call before he heard my tears or sensed my fears.
So I took a deep breath and said,
“
You don't want to mess with me,
”
in a tone that held all kinds of threats.

“
No, Jasmine,
”
he said in that voice that he'd always used when we were having sex.
“
You're the one who doesn't want to mess with me.
”
A pause.
“
Look, let's just get together tonight and talk about this.
Obviously, you're upset about something
…
.
”

I had to pull the phone away from my ear to stare at it for a moment.
Really?
Did he think that I was upset?
Really?
Did he think that we were going to get together?
“
That's not going to happen,
”
I said, pressing the phone back to my ear.

“
Let's just meet tonight,
”
he kept on as if I hadn't spoken,
“
and we'll work it out.
”
“
This is the very last time that I'm going to say no, and it's the last time that we're ever going to speak.
”

When he paused, I thought that I'd finally gotten through to him.

“
Well, if you won't talk to me,
”
he said at last,
“
maybe Kenny will.
”

Those words were like a stab to my heart.
“
I'll just give Kenny a call and see if he wants to meet with me.
I have lots to say and I'm sure he'll listen.
”

I had no doubt that Roman meant every word that he said, but what was I supposed to do?
Meet him?
I couldn't, I wouldn't.
So, I came back strong,
“
You go to Kenny, and I'll go to the police.
”

“
Really?
And what will you tell them?
”

“
That you raped me.
If you go to Kenny, I won't have anything to lose.
”

In the second that he hesitated, I knew that I stood a chance.

“
No one will believe you,
”
he said.
“
We were lovers.
”

“
Try me and we'll see.
And you better pray that you're right or else you're going to jail.
”
I didn't wait for his comeback; just hung up because there was nothing left to say, and because I was trembling so much it was difficult to hold onto the phone.

Falling back onto the bed, I sat still, just listening to my breathing for minutes.
I'd been in lots of fights in my life, and you could count on one hand the number of fights that I'd lost. But this wasn't a fight; this was war.
Roman wasn't battling with his hands.
He wasn't even holding a gun.
He was at war with missiles while I was trying to stab him with a knife.

There was no way I could win, but that wasn't going to stop me from trying.

***

My day of relaxation was shot.

From the moment I hung up the phone from Roman, I'd been beyond afraid.
Was he really going to call Kenny?
Of course he would.
Making a call to Kenny was nothing compared to what he'd done to me.
My only hope was that he'd taken my threat seriously.
I didn't have much hope for that, though.
You had to be sane to be serious, and Roman had already shown me that he had no personal relationship with sanity.

So what was I supposed to do now?
Keep Roman away from Kenny?
How?
 
That would be a daunting
,
24/7 task.
I'd have to be with Kenny every hour of every day, and that could never happen.

I'd have to handle this day-by-day, hour-by-hour, really.
And I'd have to start now.

Picking up the phone, I planned my words.
My goal was to keep Roman and Kenny apart, but I had to have a back up just in case Plan A didn't work.
I had to prepare Kenny for what might come.

“
This is Kenny Larson,
”
my husband said into the phone on his end.

The sound of his voice brought tears to my eyes.
I know I didn't always act like it, but I really did love this man. It was more than all the time and effort I'd put in to make him my husband
--
it was about the way he loved me.
There would never be another man who would love me so unconditionally, and I had to do everything I could to keep him.

“
Hey, babe, it's me,
”
I said.

“
Hey, what's up?
”
he asked.
I could hear the surprise in his voice.
I never called Kenny during the middle of the day.
In the next second, he asked,
“
Is everything okay?
Are you all right?
”

I swallowed.
“
Yeah
…
I just wanted to hear your voice.
”

“
Ahhh, that's sweet.
You've never said that before.
”

“
I know.
”
I let a beat go by.
“
Kenny, there are a lot of things I've never said before.
Like how much I love you.
”

He chuckled.
“
I've heard you say that a time or two.
”

“
No really.
How much I really love you.
How much you mean to me.
And how I would just die if I lost you.
”

I could hear the frown in his voice when he said,
“
Jasmine, are you sure that you're okay?
”

It was a shame that telling my husband how much I loved him made him think that something was wrong.
I guess he was more used to me complaining, trying to nag him into being a better (richer) man.

“
Yeah, I'm okay.
It was just that I've been thinking a lot about how wonderful you are and
…
.
”
I had to pause.
“
And sometimes I don't know if I deserve you.
”

“
That's how I feel about you, babe.
”

“
I'm not the most perfect person, Kenny, but I want you to know that no matter what, I love you, and I'm going to get better, okay?
”

“
Sweetheart, no one is perfect, and I love you just the way you are.
I will always love you.
Forever.
For always.
”

If his words were money, I would take them to the bank and make that withdrawal once Roman blew up our world.

“
Jasmine, you know that, right?
”

If his words were money, I'd be able to tell him the truth.
But even though Kenny meant what he said right now, his words were just words.
His heart would be broken if Roman told him what had been going on and after that, there would be no way that he could love me forever, for always.

“
Are you sure you're okay, babe?
”

I hadn't even felt my emotions pouring from my eyes until the first tear dripped from my cheek onto my hand.

“
Yeah,
”
I sniffed.
“
I'm okay.
It's just that
…
we're just getting started
…
and
…
I really want to do this marriage thing right.
”

He chuckled.
“
We'll wade through this together.
We'll get it right, together.
You don't have a thing to worry about.
We're in this for better, for worse, together.
All right?
”

Even though he couldn't see me, I nodded.
“
Yeah.
”

“
For the next fifty, sixty, seventy years, okay?
”

“
Okay.
”

“
Listen Jasmine,
”
his tone had changed from peaches and cream to all business and I imagined that someone had stepped into his cubicle.
“
I've got to go.
”

He hung up without really saying goodbye and it took me a couple of seconds to realize that he was gone.

I stood there, just holding the phone in my hand.
Nothing had been accomplished in my quest to keep Roman away from Kenny, but at least if it all went down tonight, if Roman did contact Kenny, the last words my husband heard from me before his world exploded were that I loved him. Maybe that would be enough.

What I really wanted to do was go down to Kenny's office and sit at his desk and answer every call.
But since that wasn't going to happen, I waited at home.
Waited for that phone call from Kenny where he would tell me that Roman had done exactly what he said he would do.

From just before eleven 'til noon, I paced the length of the living room.
From noon 'til two I paced the width of the bedroom.
I went back and forth between the two spaces, doing nothing else.
I ignored the TV in the living room and I heard nothing from the radio in the bedroom.
The only thing that was on my mind was the scenario that I couldn't stop imaging.
It was like there was a VCR in my brain and I kept pressing play.
I could see it, I could hear it: Kenny yelling, screaming, calling me all kinds of names.
Telling me to be out of the apartment and his life before he got home from work.

Every time I passed the telephone, I stared at it, praying that it wouldn't ring.
And every time I passed a clock, I willed the time to pass quickly so that Kenny would come home and be safe here with me.

I was waiting right at the front door at 5:30, when Kenny put the key in the lock.
When he stepped inside, glanced at me and then smiled, I fell right into his arms.