Scandalous (23 page)

“
I love you, Kenny.
”

He grinned as if he already knew that.
“
I love you too.
Just relax.
”

Outside of my curtained space, I could hear the sounds of sickness all around me: the constant beeps of machines, the chatter of nurses, the strong voices of the doctors shouting orders, making demands.
But inside my space, there was peace
--
for the moment.
At least for these next few minutes, however long it lasted, I was going to relax.

I leaned back on the gurney, wiggled until I found a comfortable space, and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath.
And then, I groaned.

Because inside my head, all I could see was Roman.

Chapter 17

Kenny walked me into our apartment as if I had really been sick.

“
Here, baby,
”
he said when we stepped inside,
“
let me get you settled on the couch.
”

I went along with it all
--
his caring and his loving
--
because I just didn't know how much longer I was gonna have it.
I knew that soon, very soon, this jig would be up.
I couldn't
keep Roman away from Kenny forever; that was proven today.
I just needed to figure out the best way to handle what was to come.

When I leaned back on the couch, Kenny said,
“
I should've asked if you wanted to go into the bedroom.
”

“
No,
”
I said.
“
I'll just rest here for a while.
”

He nodded.
“
Well, I'm going to fix you something to eat.
”

“
I don't want much.
I don't have an appetite anymore,
”
I said, thinking about how I might never eat again.

“
The doctor said you had to have something.
”

“
Okay, just some yogurt.
”

Kenny nodded and kissed my forehead before he left me alone.
I just wanted to cry.
I had put my life at such risk.

But the truth was, I never thought I was risking a thing.
Working at Foxtails had spoiled me.
I'd been with so many men, for such a long time, without Kenny
--
or anyone
--
finding out.
I thought I was invincible.
I was the Master Liar.
A deceiver at the highest level.

I guess what they say is the true: whatever is done in the dark will always come to the light.
And this light was going to put the brightest spotlight on who I was.
My whole marriage, my whole life, was a complete lie.

There were tears in my eyes when I pushed myself up on the couch and peered toward the kitchen.
I couldn't see Kenny in there, though I could hear him opening and closing cabinets, slamming the refrigerator, running water.
That man didn't deserve any of the hurt that was about to pour down on him.

I decided right then that since this storm was coming, it would go down the way I wanted it to.
If Kenny was going to find out about me and Roman, it would be best if it came from me.
I'd tell him as gently as I could; at least that way, I'd have a chance to explain and tell him just how much I loved him.
Then maybe
--
though, I doubted it
--
I could save my marriage.
Even if there was only a one percent shot, it was better than the chance I'd have if Roman walked up to Kenny and said,
“
Hey man, thanks for letting me screw your fiancée and wife.
”

I breathed in the deepest breath that I could, not knowing when I'd have a chance to breathe like that again.
I was going to tell Kenny now, before I lost my nerve.
This way, I'd have all night to beg him to stay.
He wouldn't be able to go anywhere
--
both of our cars were still at the restaurant.
He'd have to stay here and talk to me, or at least listen as I begged for his forgiveness.

“
Okay, baby, here's your dinner.
”
Kenny strolled into the living room balancing a tray in both hands.

Although my heart ached, just looking at my husband made me smile.
“
What's all this?
I told you I just wanted yogurt.
”

“
It is yogurt.
Banana,
”
he said as he sat the tray down beside me on the sofa.
“
I just didn't want you eating out of the carton.
”

My husband had taken that little container of yogurt and made it look like a feast.
He'd filled a crystal bowl with the yogurt and had placed a full place setting, with a knife, fork and spoon next to it.
In the corner of the tray was a glass of his infamous red Kool-Aid, and next to the glass, there was a small vase with a single flower that he'd plucked from the plastic bouquet in the center of our dining room table.

I looked up at him and prayed that he could see all the love that I had for him.

“
Kenny.
”

He looked at me, waiting for me to say more.

“
Kenny,
”
I repeated his name.
My lips began to tremble.

And right before I burst into tears, he said,
“
Oh, baby, don't cry.
I know what you're trying to say.
I know how much you love me.
I love you too.
I'll love you forever and for always.
”

***

Forever and for always.

In the darkness, Kenny's words blared in my mind.
It had been that way from the moment he'd first said them to me tonight.
The words were there even when he pushed the yogurt aside because I couldn't eat through my sobs.
The words were there even when he walked me into the bedroom and undressed me as I cried.
The words were there as we
lay
together, as he held me and kissed me and told me that he loved me, too.
Forever.
For always.
 

That was when I cried harder.
I cried until I was exhausted and Kenny had fallen asleep.

He rested; I didn't.

But even as he snored softly, his words still played in my mind.

Forever.
For always.

Those words were so important to him.
That's what Kenny had promised when we first became boyfriend and girlfriend; that's what he promised when he proposed; and that's what he promised when we got married.

Forever.
For always.

It was his promise, his commitment
--
and unlike me, Kenny wasn't a liar or a cheater.
He meant what he said.

Kenny's hand rested on my waist and gently, slowly, I rolled over in the darkness, careful not to awaken him.
I slid out of the bed, covered myself with my robe, and snuggled into the oversized chair in the corner.

I loved this old, soft chair.
So broken-in that it was beyond comfortable.
From here, even in the dark night, I could see the tip of the downtown skyline that wasn't hidden by other apartment buildings.
When I turned my head just a little, I could see my husband resting in a peace that he thought belonged to him.

I sighed.
There was no way that I'd ever be able to sleep again.
Not as long as Roman was out there and not as long as Kenny didn't know.
I just had to tell him.
But every time I practiced and played the tape in my mind, I couldn't get past the first part.
I couldn't get past saying,
“
Baby, Sweetheart, Honey, Love of my Life
…
I have something to tell you: I cheated on you the night before our wedding, and then even after we exchanged vows, that wasn't enough to keep me away from another man.
”

That was when the tape stopped playing in my head.
Not even my subconscious mind wanted to imagine what Kenny's face would look like when he heard that confession.
Forget about all the names he would call me
--
it was the look on his face that I wouldn't be able to handle.
The look that would come from a broken heart.

No.
I couldn't tell him.
I couldn't destroy his life.

Forever.
For always.

Kenny and I were going to have our forever.
Our for always.

I was going to make sure of it.

But how?

As I sat watching the stillness of the midnight hours outside, I thought about how I'd handled this.
For the first time in my life, I was running, and that wasn't like me.
I was used to fighting, and I wanted to fight; but how was I supposed to win a battle with a loon
e
y-tune?
Roman was certifiable, and that meant he would do anything, and go to any extreme, because he didn't care what happened.

That was the advantage he had.
He didn't care; he had nothing to lose.
I cared and had everything to lose.
How was I supposed to fight under those circumstances?

I didn't know, but I had to figure it out.
I had to find a way to stop running, turn around, face Roman and stare that devil straight in his eyes.
He needed to be the one running from me.

But how?

I thought I'd scared him with the police, but apparently not.
I guess he knew I wasn't willing to take that risk.
I needed to get something on him, something that was equal to what he had on me.

Here was the thing, though
--
I'd let him into my world, but I didn't know a thing about his.
Besides the fact that he worked on Muscle Beach and moonlighted as a stripper, I didn't know anything else.
How could I blackmail with nothing?

Without blackmail, what was left?
I needed some kind of threat.
I paused and thought about that.

A threat.

A threat!

I couldn't get out of that chair fast enough. Rushing into my closet, I scrambled through all of my purses on the shelf in the back until I found the one that I was looking for.

“
Please, let it be here,
”
I whispered as I checked every single pocket.

And there it was, in the side panel: the ring and the card.

How could I have forgotten about this?
My eyes went from the ring to the card, and right there in my closet, I looked up toward heaven. 'Cause even though I wasn't living my life anywhere near God, it was clear that for some reason, He was hanging out about me.

In my hands, I held the keys to my freedom.
Kenny and I were going to have our forever, for always.

Tiptoeing out of the closet, I glanced at the clock.
I wanted to get dressed and dash out of the apartment right then, but I only had about two hours 'til dawn.
I could wait.
It would be hard, but I could do it.

I slipped back into bed, tucked the card and the ring underneath my pillow, and laid my head down.
And for the first time in a long time, I slept in peace.

Chapter 18

I was up and out before Kenny had even awakened.
He was going to be frantic when he woke up and realized I wasn't there; I was sure of that.
But hopefully he'd see the note that I'd taped to the bathroom mirror letting him know that I was fine and feeling better and had forgotten about an early meeting.
I explained it all: how I was going to catch a cab to work and call another cab at noon so that I could go pick up my car.

My hope was that the note would be enough to keep him calm and to keep him from calling me at work, because he wasn't going to find me there
--
at least not for the next few hours.

I couldn't make the call from home, so wearing my navy pinstripe corporate suit and the lowest heel pumps I could find in my closet, I trudged down to LaCienega, with the ring and the card in my purse, praying the whole way that the pay phone at the Shell gas station would be working.
I was grateful for the early morning breeze, knowing that by nine, the temperature would be above eighty.
By the time I walked those five blocks, I had tiny perspiration beads at my temples, but the phone was working and that was all I cared about.

As I dialed the number, I prayed Roman would answer.
And on the third ring, he did, sounding groggy but still there.

“
Roman, this is Jasmine.
”

“
I knew it was you,
”
he said.
“
Baby, how are you?
I was so worried.
”
He sounded like he was about to crack up with laughter.

I wasn't going to waste a moment with him.
“
I will pay you to go away, to leave me alone.
”

“
What?
”

“
Thousands of dollars.
I have something that's worth thousands and I'll give it to you.
”

A pause.
“
How many thousands?
”

My heart started pounding.
I hadn't really thought about how much Hines's ring cost, but I took a good guess.
“
Probably fifteen, maybe twenty thousand dollars.
”

I heard his whistle through the phone.
“
Wow, that's a lot of money.
”

“
I know.
And it's all yours.
I just need you to leave me and my husband alone.
”

“
Like I said, that's a lot of money, but you're worth more than a few thousand to me,
”
he said.

“
It's not a few thousand,
”
I yelled, not caring that the two drivers at the gas pumps turned and stared.
“
Look, Roman,
”
I said.
“
You really need to take this deal, because one way or the other, this is going to stop.
”

“
Well, I'm glad to hear you want this to end.
All we have to do is go back to being together and I'll stop everything.
”
He paused.
“
Well, not everything, but you know what I'm saying.
”
He laughed.
“
I'm even willing to make a deal.
Since you're married, we don't have to get together every night.
Just four or five times a week and I'll be good.
”

I paused, gritted my teeth, and said,
“
I'm giving you one more chance, Roman.
”

He laughed.
“
You keep threatening me.
As if you really could do anything.
Anyway, will I see you tonight?
Or am I going to see Kenny?
”

I slammed down the phone, pissed off that I had even given this fool a chance.
But at least I had.
And now it was time for me to forget about the ring and focus on the card.

Dumping another quarter into the pay phone, I made the second call, the one I didn't want to make, but the one I had to.
In less than five minutes, the arrangements were made.

We'd be meeting at Foxtails at 8:15.
Glancing at my watch I had a little more than an hour to wait.
There was no way I was going to hang out at this gas station, so I started walking again.
There was a Denny's about three blocks away.
I would go there.
Sit, drink coffee, wait, and plan.

I had given Roman so many chances, and now I was going to come at him with all kinds of guns blazing.

Roman was going to be so sorry that he even thought about messing with me.

***

It was eight on the dot when the taxi rolled to a stop.

“
You sure this is where you want me to drop you off?
”
the cab driver asked as he peered through the windshield.

Glancing out, I saw what he saw: the huge, pink letters.
Foxtails.

“
Yes,
”
I said.

He shook his head, but only a little bit, as if he didn't really want to judge me.
I guess he was still trying to figure it out after I paid the meter and slipped out of the cab.
To him, I'm sure I didn't look like much of a stripper in my suit.
But not looking like a stripper was a good thing.

The door was locked and I had to knock and knock and knock.
It took him long enough, but after a few minutes, Buck dragged his big hips to the door.

“
You know I don't get up early for nobody,
”
he growled.
But then he looked me up and down and grinned.
“
You've got to be kidding me.
You're really trying to go legit?
”

“
I'm not trying anything,
”
I said, stepping inside of the darkened club.
This was the first time that I'd ever been in this place and the music wasn't blasting.
It was so quiet it was eerie.

“
Ah, come on.
When are you gonna stop playing around, Pepper?
”
Buck asked, refusing to call me by my government name.
“
Come back to making some real money.
Guys are still asking for you.
”

“
What part of
“
no
”
don't you understand?
”

“
What about taking a few dates on the side?
”
he asked, as if he couldn't hear me.
“
I could get you some big money.
That's how much these cats miss you.
”

All I did was sigh.
The funny thing was, I wasn't tempted at all.
What I'd discovered in the last few weeks with Kenny was that love was bigger than all of that.

It had taken me a long time to discover this, but now that I knew, I was going to fight with everything in me for Kenny's love.

“
I'm not gonna go back and forth with you, Buck.
”

He shrugged as he ambled toward the bar.
“
You're the one who keeps coming back here.
I didn't call you.
”

“
I didn't call you either,
”
I said.

He chuckled as he opened a bottle of beer.
I shook my head.
Buck's morning OJ.
He took a swig, then jerked his head toward the red curtain.
“
He's back there.
”

“
Thanks.
”
With the way I was dressed and with my briefcase in my hand, I felt like I was going to just another early morning business meeting.
I pushed back the curtain and stepped inside the VIP lounge. Just like Buck said, Hines was there waiting for me, with two of his boys standing by the back door like they were on lookout.

There was no way for me to stop my grin when I looked Hines up and down.
On so many levels, I was so glad to see this man.

“
How you doing, baby?
”
he said as he stepped forward and held me in his arms like he used to.

“
I'm good.
Well, at least one part of my life is good.
”

He unbuttoned his expensive jacket, then motioned for me to sit down before he joined me on the velvet couch.
When I sat, the hem of my skirt eased up high on my thigh, giving Hines a peek of my thigh-high stockings and garter belt.

He shook his head.
“
Hmph, hmph, humph!
You still got it, baby!
”

I waited for that familiar feeling to come over me
--
the feeling I always got when I was around Hines.
The feeling that would've had
me
paying
him
to have sex.

But nothing came.
All that was on my mind was Kenny.
So the only thing I did was smile.

Hines frowned a little, like he was expecting a different comeback.
But that was all I had for him.

“
So,
”
he began,
“
you said you had a little problem?
”

I sighed and nodded at the same time.

“
What?
Ol’ boy ain't treating you right?
”
Hines made a fist with one hand and pounded it into the palm of his other.

“
No.
No!
Kenny is fantastic.
He's wonderful.
My marriage is great.
At least from his end it is.
I'm the one who messed up.
”

His forehead crinkled.
“
Talk to me, baby.
What's up?
”

And so I began the story of my infidelity.
I told Hines all about meeting Roman at the strip club and then hooking up with him the next day.
I told Hines about my wedding and how Roman had shown up and how we'd had hot sex in the bathroom the very next day.

Hines sat, listening intently with not a bit of judgment on his face.
His expression didn't change until I got to the part of Roman coming up on me in the parking lot.

My voice was shaky as I relived those moments.
“
He held me against the car,
”
I said, trying to keep my emotions out of this part of the story too.
But it was hard as I remembered just how violated I felt then
…
and now.

Hines reached for my hand as I told him how I just got in the car afterward and drove away.
I explained how distraught I was that I couldn't go to my husband, I couldn't go to the police, I couldn't go anywhere.

“
You should've called me, baby.
”

“
I wish I had, because Roman called me that night.
”

“
What?
”

I continued, telling him how Roman expected me to still have sex with him and how that's where his threats started.

“
He's determined to ruin my marriage.
”
I quivered.
When I added the last part about how Roman showed up to the restaurant yesterday and how I'd pretended to faint, Hines held up his hand.

“
That's enough,
”
he said.

I was kinda glad he said that; I didn't want to get to the part where I had to tell Hines that I'd offered Roman his ring.
I mean, I know for sure that he would've understood, but the thing was, if there was another man that I could've loved besides Kenny, it would've been Hines.
From the beginning, Hines touched my heart.
He never had sex with me
--
he made love to me.

When I stopped talking, Hines and I sat there together as he stared at our entwined hands
.
It was as if he was playing my words over in his head.
Like he wanted to understand everything.

Finally, he began nodding his head.
“
You've been through a lot.
”

“
Yeah, but I brought it on myself,
”
I said, putting my head in my hands.
I still had trouble believing that any of this had really happened.
“
I never planned to sleep with him, and then when I did, I'm telling you, Hines, I never planned to do it again.
”