Scars (12 page)

He watched her skeptically. “Really?”

“Really,” Holly promised. It was disconcerting just how easily the lie flew out of her mouth.

Matt smiled, relaxing visibly. “Good,” he said. He sighed contentedly and looked up at the ceiling with a smile on his face.

Holly tried her best to ignore the pang of guilt that hit her. She scooted closer to Matt and lay her head over his chest. He immediately encircled her shoulders with one arm. She couldn’t believe she had gone as far as faking an orgasm. Lying was one thing, but this…if Matt found out, his self-esteem would probably take a hard blow.

Holly closed her eyes and listened to the steady beat of his heart. His breath evened out soon enough, and Holly lay there quietly, listening to him sleep. She thought about the song Matt had been singing earlier. She thought about what an exceptional man he was. And then she thought about how the last thing in the world she ever wanted to do was to hurt him, and about how she might be forced to do just that. Saying goodbye to Matt would hurt them both, she knew that. But she also knew that if she couldn’t find a solution, she would be forced to go back to Texas.

And
that
, Holly thought, was truly the last thing she ever wanted to do.

It didn’t take Matt very long to realize that something was wrong. Over the next few days, Holly became more and more distant, to the point where there were times when he just wasn’t sure how to reach her. Whenever he tried to talk to her about it, she would say that nothing was wrong. By now, however, Matt was sure that was a lie.

Holly seemed to always find a reason not to do something. Before, she had been eager to explore the places they traveled through, whether it was a big city or a small town. Now she never seemed to want to do much. She would turn down dinner dates, movie dates, and pretty much any activity that would get them out and about. Or rather, any activity that would get her out and about with Matt. She sure seemed happy enough to go on long walks by herself. Before long, Matt had convinced himself that he was the problem. After all, it was
his
suggestions that Holly repeatedly turned down—and dinner and movies weren’t the only invitations she was throwing down.

Holly used to be driven by a kind of sexual energy Matt had rarely encountered before. He didn’t know whether it was because she had still been a virgin when they met and she was now making up for lost time, or if she was just that much into him (a notion which left him stunned), but he had never had such steady sex as he had since Holly had walked into his life. They would make love every other night, and sometimes even in the mornings.

But that was before. Over the past couple of weeks, Holly had barely expressed any sexual desire at all. Matt gave her space, of course, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t miss it or that the sudden drop in Holly’s libido didn’t worry him.

Yes, something was definitely up with her. If all the other factors weren’t indicators enough, Matt had the ultimate confirmation earlier that afternoon, when they arrived in San Diego and he suggested they go check out some of the art museums. Holly had said she didn’t feel like being cooped up in a museum. Matt had stared at her. He had tried to cover up his sudden alarm with a shrug and a smile, but that refusal really set him on edge. If Holly, whose ultimate aspiration in life was to become an accomplished artist, refused to check out the San Diego Museum of Art, something was definitely, horribly wrong.

He had let her go off on one of her walks in San Diego’s Balboa Park, while he sat in their rented motel room and did what he did best—overthink. Matt was prone to overthink pretty much anything and everything, which was one of the many reasons why he had not minded his five tours in the war zones that much. Warfare left no time for overthinking. Hell, most of the times, it didn’t leave time for any thinking at all. Warfare was all about instincts. You followed your gut, and you prayed to get out of there alive. Matt had. Five times. It seemed almost miraculous to him. He had seen far better men than himself succumb to bombs and bullets, and every time he had thought it was not fair.

He raised his head sharply as those thoughts came to him. Was that why he had kept on going back? Was he trying to get himself killed? He realized now that maybe he was. The epiphany shook him to his core. His heart began to beat very fast in his chest, and blood pumped very loud in his ears.

Fuck,
he thought, stunned.

Was that really what his Iraq and his Afghanistan had been about? Was he trying to take the easy way out? More important, was he hoping someone would do it for him? A bomb, a bullet…a desert dog.

Fuck.

Matt sat back on the bed and stared ahead in shock.

I wasn’t even ballsy enough to take my own life. I was hoping someone would take it for me. Fucking coward.

He realized that his hands were shaking. In fact, he was shaking all over. He had always known that his going to war was a form of running, but he had never realized his motivations had been that extreme. And, at the very least, no matter his reasons, he had always thought he had been doing something good and useful for his country. Now he was not so sure. It seemed more and more to him like he had been trying to do something for himself, something cowardly that would leave his sister completely orphaned.

Matt shuddered. His sister. Becky. He had not heard from her in a while. He should probably give her a call, or at the very least text her.

He jumped when, as if on cue, his cell phone beeped. He dragged himself up onto shaky legs and took a few steps over to the table. He picked up his ancient Nokia pone. Sure enough, there was a text from Becky waiting for her.

What, is she psychic or something?

He opened it with shaking fingers, his stomach in knots. What if it was bad news? What if the cancer was back? What if she had to undergo more chemo treatments?

What if she was in the hospital, right now? What if she had taken a turn for the worst? What if she were dying, and he wasn’t there?

Matt took a deep breath and swallowed hard. His throat was completely dry. He forced himself to calm down and somehow found the courage to read the text.

“Went to the doctor’s today,”
Becky wrote.

Oh God.

Matt exhaled slowly. He told himself he had to keep on reading, no matter how badly he wanted to hurl the phone out the window.

“Everything’s okay.”

Matt almost passed out from relief. He had to make a wild grab for the edge of the table in order not to crash to the floor when his legs almost gave out from under him.

“Just thought you’d want to know. I miss you, big brother. When are you coming home? Love, Becky.”

The steel grip on his stomach this time wasn’t worry or apprehension—it was guilt.
“When are you coming home?”
Those words kept flashing in front of his eyes long before Matt had put the phone back down on the table. What was he doing? He should be on a journey to find himself. He should be doing everything in his power to get himself together once and for all. This should be a journey of discovery.

So far, all he had discovered was Holly’s body and what a wonderful person Holly was.

Matt sat down heavily on one of the chairs gathered around the room’s Spartan table when he was hit with the second epiphany in the span of a few, eventful minutes. Holly Springford was the best encounter he had ever made in his twenty-five years of life, but she was also a distraction. As long as Matt was with her, he would always be putting her first. He would always fret that she was all right. He would always put all of his focus into spending as much time with this unbelievable woman as humanly possible.

He should be focusing on something very different. He should be focusing on sorting himself out. He should be focusing on getting his emotional strength back. He should be focusing on battling his demons, those awful devils that had very little to do with his warfare experiences after all. He should be focusing on becoming a fully functional adult, one who could finally raise to the challenge, go home, and take care of his sister.

Becky needed him. Sure she had a devoted husband by her side, but Matt had made her a forever promise long before Joe did. When they were children, Matt had sworn to his little sister that he would always look out for her. He had sworn that he would protect her. He had sworn that he would always be there for her.

God knew he had broken that promise, and it was time to make up for it.

Matt ran his hands across his face and exhaled slowly. His mind was getting clearer by the minute, and the clearer his mind got, the heavier his heart became. He was faced with an impossible choice, and he knew it was no choice at all. He had to get back to Becky, and he had to be whole again when he did. And in order for him to find the missing pieces of himself, he had to turn his back on the most wonderful person that had ever entered his life.

Matt swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. Man, but he hated this! Why couldn’t anything ever come easy for him?

He took yet another deep breath and did his best to pull himself together.
Don’t go there,
he sternly reprimanded himself.
Enough with your bullshit, Matthew. Don’t play the victim.

He stood and stretched, trying to get the feeling back in his muscles, numbed by these little insightful moments. He felt resolute, determined. It would be the hardest thing he had ever had to do—and God knew he’d had to make some pretty hard choices in his life—but it needed to be done. Tonight, he would take Holly out to dinner whether she wanted to or not. He would treat her like a queen. And then he would break up with her—because it was the right thing to do.

Well, Matthew, aren’t you an asshole,
a little voice in one corner of his mind whispered to him.

Matt did his best to silence it.

Matt’s resolve went pretty much out the window as soon as he saw Holly that evening. She had asked him to get ready separately and meet at the restaurant. Matt did his best not to think about the fact those kinds of tricks were normally used by couples who had been together for a while and needed to rekindle their passion—
not
by two people who up until a couple weeks prior couldn’t seem to get enough of each other. He tried not to think about the negative and just enjoy the evening because God knew it would be the last evening he would ever get with Holly. There had been a hole in his stomach ever since he had made his decision, and that hole filled with butterflies when he saw her.

She was wearing a simple jade green dress. It was simply cut, with two thin straps and a flowing structure. It reached just below Holly’s knees, and in its simplicity was the sexiest thing Matt had ever seen. Holly wore no jewelry and had let her white-blond hair down. It cascaded down her slim shoulders like spun gold. She wore no makeup, but still her gray eyes stood out, and her tanned skin seemed to glow. She wore a pair of plain leather sandals that encircled her slender ankles to perfection.

Matt swallowed. His throat had gone very dry.

He was still in a haze as the waiter led them to the table he had reserved on the restaurant’s terrace overlooking the ocean. It was a gorgeous, magical location, but still Matt had little eyes for the view; all of his attention was focused on Holly. He had been surprised when she had accepted his invitation. Perhaps she had sensed that this was important to him. Nevertheless, now that she was here, she seemed lighter, as if the burden that had been weighing her down over the past couple of weeks had suddenly lifted. She now resembled the fresh, carefree, somewhat naive Holly that he had first fallen for. Her rejuvenating energy was contagious and radiated off of her like a beacon.

Oh God. How am I ever going to say goodbye to this woman?

“This is a very fancy place,” she said, looking around in amazement.

“I know. I thought you would like it.”

“I do.” Holly smiled. “Thank you.”

Matt had made it very clear that the evening would be entirely on him. He wanted to truly spoil her, for once.

He watched as she gradually relaxed. Matt, on the other hand, was growing more and more nervous by the minute. Yes, this was a very fancy place—perhaps
too
fancy. He cast a lost look at the cutlery in front of him. What was he thinking bringing her here? He had absolutely no idea how to behave in a place like this. He would only end up making a fool of himself, and that definitely was not how he wanted her to remember him.

“You start from the outside,” Holly said, pointing at the external knife and fork.

Matt felt himself flush. “Right,” he said. He cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

Holly grinned. “Relax.”

Right. Relax. As if it could ever be that easy.
Matt took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not really used to this kind of super fancy settings.”

“That’s okay. I am.” Holly winked.

She meant it as a joke, but Matt’s heart sank. She was so straightforward and outspoken that he had completely forgotten about her background. Now, he was being painfully reminded of it. In that moment, Matt had the third epiphany of his day—they came from two completely different worlds. How had he not seen it before? He took a deep breath and forced himself to get a grip. It didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered right now was to enjoy the precious little time they had left together.

He let her choose the wine, which the waiter seemed quite surprised about…and which earned him a dirty glare from Holly’s sharp gray eyes. It was as if she was daring him to be sexist. Why couldn’t the woman pick the wine? Predictably, the waiter seemed to wither away under the cutting scrutiny and, once he was back with the bottle, was far more polite.

“I’m guessing the poor fella just cut his tip in half?” Matt asked with a smirk.

“Damn straight he has.”

Matt smiled fondly. He was almost overcome by a sudden wave of affection for this woman.

Holly seemed to sense his odd behavior because she looked at him curiously. “Are you okay? What is it?”

“I’m fine. I was just thinking that I love you.” Matt surprised even himself with the admission. So far for keeping the distance.

Holly blushed furiously in that cute way that she had. “I love you, too,” she said.

Matt’s heart began to beat too fast for comfort. This was only the second time they admitted it out loud to each other, and it felt even more magical than the first.

He reached out across the table and took Holly’s hand. He looked deep into those green eyes of hers, and the more he looked, the deeper he fell.