Scars (16 page)

When Holly awoke the next morning, she wasn’t embarrassed. She was mortified. She had gone up to retch in the middle of the night twice. Every time she returned to bed, Matt lay apparently asleep, but she knew that he was just pretending. She was extremely grateful to him for that—and for everything he had done for her the previous night. The more awake and aware Holly got, the more the memories came rushing back. She had gotten awfully drunk, but not drunk enough that she suffered from blissful blackouts. She remembered everything, and she shuddered to think of what might have happened to her if Matt had not found her and rescued her. How could she have been so stupid?

Holly turned her head. She was almost afraid to look at Matt, terrified that he may be already awake and be staring at her with the unforgiving light of judgment shining in his green eyes. Instead, he was snoring softly, and this time it was no act. Holly sighed in relief. She would have to face him sooner or later, of course, but wasn’t yet ready for it, and she would much prefer to do it when she didn’t smell like an entire pub had thrown up on her.

She rolled out of bed, careful not to wake him. She picked up the cup on her nightstand, which she had drained during the night, and went to fill it up again. She felt a little better once she had chugged down some more water. She rummaged through her duffel bag and popped one aspirin. Then she padded quietly to the bathroom, closed the door behind her, and proceeded to take the most appreciated shower of her young life.

She already felt like a whole new person by the time she turned off the water and stepped out of the tub. She toweled herself dry, climbed into some clean clothes, and walked out of the bathroom. She decided to let the San Diego sunshine dry her long blond hair. Matt was still asleep, and she decided right then and there that he deserved some sort of reward—and one hell of an apology. She found her purse on the floor by the door. She picked it up, checked that she still had her wallet, and walked out.

The sun hit her like a thousand knives being thrown in her eyes. Holly groaned and quickly scrambled for her sunglasses. She waited for the pain in her temples to abide and for her eyes to adjust before resuming her walk. It was seven in the morning, and everything was quiet. The air was clear and crisp, and Holly inhaled deeply, letting the breath of the ocean refresh and restore her.

She walked to the nearby coffee shop. Today, she decided, she would ignore her financial trouble in favor of a good breakfast for Matt. She picked up two black coffees—she felt like the last thing she needed right now was a sugar high from her usual vanilla latte, coupled with her hungover—and two egg sandwiches to go, and she made her way back to the motel.

This time, when she entered the room, it was to find that Matt was wide awake. He was sitting up in bed, and he had a slightly panicked expression on his face. He relaxed immediately when he saw her.

“Oh, there you are,” he said. “I was afraid you might have run off on me or something might have happened to you.”

Holly cringed as she realized that she had probably also given him quite a scare the previous night. “Nah,” she said, as casually as he could. “I just stepped outside to get breakfast.”

She held up the paper tray with the mugs for him to see before she set everything down on the table.

“Wow,” Matt said, smiling at the prospect of caffeine in his near future. “Thank you. Let me just brush my teeth, and I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time,” Holly said, and she meant it. She still wasn’t looking forward to facing him.

She took a seat at the table and, sure enough, Matt was back far too soon for her likings. He bent down to kiss her swiftly on her lips before he, too, settled down to enjoy his breakfast.

“This is awesome,” he said as he sank his teeth into his egg sandwich. “Thanks.”

Holly licked her lips. She might as well get it over with. “I’m the one who should say thank you,” she began. “You saved my ass last night.”

“Yeah, about that.” Matt swallowed a mouthful and washed it down with a hearty sip of black coffee. “What the hell were you thinking? You could’ve gotten yourself into some serious trouble.” He didn’t look mad, just genuinely worried.

Holly grimaced. “As far as I recall, I
did
get myself into trouble.” She took a deep breath. “Thank you for being there.”

Matt shrugged, dismissing the apologies. “Don’t worry about it.” He stared intently at her. “Are you ready to tell me what’s going on now? I don’t want to fight,” he added quickly. “I just need to understand. Because, frankly, Holly, none of your behavior from last night is even remotely like you. And yes, I may not know you very well, but I know that much.”

Holly cringed as the things she had said before storming out the previous night rushed back to her. “I’m sorry about that,” she said sincerely. “I didn’t mean it. You know me better than most people. Hell, sometimes I think you know me better than anyone.” She sighed heavily. “I’m sorry about everything. Really, I am.” She caught his gaze and held it to make sure that she was really conveying her message.

Matt nodded. “I told you,” he said sincerely, “it’s okay. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. What’s going on?”

Holly bit her lip nervously. The fact that he was so quick and ready to forgive her made her feel even worse about the whole situation. She couldn’t tell him about her finances. She couldn’t tell him that she was terrified to check her savings account after buying breakfast that morning. But she could maybe tell him about what she was feeling. She owed him that much, at least.

She took a deep breath and a hearty sip of the coffee. It was bitter, and she relished the harsh sensation, hoping it would clear her mind enough to say all that she needed to say in the least hurtful way.

“I’ve been doing some thinking,” she began carefully.

Matt stared intently at her. “Okay…” he said. “What are you thinking about?”

Holly ran a hand through her long hair, a gesture she often went back to whenever she was nervous or agitated—in this case, she was both. “I’ve begun to realize that maybe I have been too rash, too naive. Running away made sense at the time, but now I’m not so sure.” She paused, letting this first admission sink in. She watched Matt carefully for any sign of reaction, but he gave her none. He was probably waiting to have all the facts before he let her catch a glimpse of what he was thinking or feeling.
Fair enough,
Holly thought. She prepared herself to continue.

“I’m starting to think continuing this journey may not be the solution,” she said, the words tasting bitter on her tongue. “I mean, there is no way I can afford to apply to any decent art school without my father’s support. And I sure as hell am not skilled enough to support myself. I hardly know what a resume is. I don’t know the world or the ways of the world, and I think what happened last night really proved that. I’m thinking maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe the best thing to do would be to go back to Texas and stand up to my parents and their decisions on my future.”

Matt was silent for a few, nerve-racking moments. “And then what?” he said then.

Holly blinked. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you go back, you tell your parents there’s no way in hell you’re marrying someone they have chosen for you. And then what? They’ll just ignore your feelings like they have done before.”

Holly sighed. He was right, of course. But it really was beginning to look more and more like she didn’t have much choice. “Maybe,” she conceded. “But I think I should at least try. I haven’t quite decided yet,” she added quickly. “It’s just…it’s been on my mind. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m in over my head.”

Matt watched her. Once again, he remained silent.

“Matt, say something,” Holly said when that silence became unbearable. “Please.”

“What about us?” Matt said.

Holly swallowed. There it was,
the
question. “I care about you, Matt,” she said quietly. “I care about you more than you can even imagine.”

His green eyes rooted her to the spot. “You care about me, or you love me?” he asked. “Which is it, Holly?”

Holly looked away only briefly before she forced herself to meet his gaze straight on. “I love you,” she said. “I love you. So much. But we both know this isn’t…well, ideal.”

“Ideal,” Matt repeated, arching an eyebrow.

Holly felt small enough to disappear. “Look,” she said, taking yet another deep breath. “I told you, I haven’t decided yet. I’m confused and lost and more than a little scared,” she confessed. That much was the truth. “I’m trying to figure out the best course of actions. I know you may not approve, but please, Matt…let do this. Let me think about it in my own time, on my own terms.”

Matt stared at her. Finally, he nodded. “All right,” he said. He downed the rest of his coffee and stood. His egg sandwich was only half eaten.

“Where are you going?” Holly asked.

“Out. To clear my head.”

“I love you,” Holly said, because she felt like it begged to be repeated.

Matt gave her a small, bitter smile. “So you said.”

To Holly, those three little words felt like a punch in the gut. “So I’ve said,” she repeated. “And I meant it.”

Matt nodded. “I know.” He ran a hand across his face in evident frustration. “I need to think. I’ll be back.”

Holly watched him go. The door closed with a soft click behind, but it might as well have been an explosion. She sat back in the chair and sighed heavily. Perhaps she shouldn’t have said anything. She should have continued with her charade, even though Matt had made it very clear that she wasn’t fooling him. Perhaps it had been a mistake to open up to him.

Holly had hoped that talking to him about what was going through her head—or at least, the gist of it—might help her make sense of it all. Instead, now that the conversation was had and done and over with, she felt more confused than ever. She wanted nothing more than to tell Matt the truth, but he was already doubting her. What would he think if she told him she was basically broke and would need him to support her if he wanted to continue traveling together?

Holly shook her head as soon as the thought entered her mind. Regardless of what Matt’s reaction would be, telling him was out of the discussion. Say that he would understand and not think less of her or suspect her of using him for money and sustenance. The alternative was that he would offer to support her, and that was almost worse than the first option. Holly could not depend on him. She simply could not continue depending on others forever.

Her family…well, that was another matter entirely. They had raised her to depend on their means. She was meant to administer the family funds and business. The more Holly thought about it, the more she realized it was the only money she had any idea how to handle—and quite possibly the only money she had any realistic access to. Finding a job was the most obvious solution to her current predicament, but it would be foolish of her to think that she could actually find one. She may be naive, but she wasn’t
that
naive. Who would hire her? She had no skills or experience and no time to acquire either.

Holly groaned and buried her face in her hands. She breathed deeply and evenly, in and out, trying to calm down. How had she gotten herself into this mess? She realized then that if it hadn’t been for Matt, she would probably barely have made it out of Texas. Could she continue to be a burden for him?

She felt tears come prickle at her eyes, and she stubbornly forced them back. No matter where she looked, she could see no exits. No matter how hard she tried to examine her difficult situation from any and all angles, she just couldn’t find a way out. She tried to imagine what her parents’ reaction would be to see her come back. Would they be happy, at least? Relieved? Would her father force her to skip the engagement and courting process and push her into immediate marriage just to get back at her for what she had done? After all, she wasn’t sure what else a man who had all but drained his daughter’s bank account in order to leave her stranded and panicked somewhere might be capable of.