Scars of the Future (27 page)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

“What time will Maddie be here?” I glanced to Sydney as I gently pat Olivia on the back.

Sydney’s fingers stroked the top of the baby’s light-red hair softly. “Any minute now. We invited Patty too, but I don’t think she’ll make it.” She reached out to twist the cap off her bottle of beer when David appeared out of nowhere and pulled it out of her hand.

“No. I’m withholding all alcohol until you get a negative pregnancy test.”

I snapped my head back to Sydney. “You’re pregnant?”

She scoffed and shook her head. “No. I’m like a week late and he’s all super paranoid about it.”

“I am not paranoid. Excited, but not paranoid, Tink.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’re in denial.”

We were sitting in David’s living room two weeks after I’d met Nathan and Holly. It was Olivia’s due date and we had decided to celebrate that she was eight weeks old instead. She had seen the pediatrician the day before who was happy to see she had hit seven pounds and said she was right on the expected track for a preemie. Now, we were just waiting on Maddie and Josh before David would start the barbeque.

David walked back into the kitchen to help Matt finish seasoning the steaks and I shifted Olivia to my other shoulder.

“You might be pregnant?” I said quietly, giving her a small smile.

She glanced back at the kitchen and nodded. “I’m scared shitless, Amanda. I’ve been really good with my birth control, but I don’t know. I’m not ready for a baby.”

I laughed, holding Olivia out to her, and she didn’t hesitate to take the cooing bundle. “You’re more ready than you think. I didn’t think I was ready either, but I can’t imagine not having her. Besides, you’re amazing with Claire.”

Sydney kissed Olivia’s cheek and Liv gave her a big, toothless smile. “Yeah, but Claire can use the toilet on her own, feed herself, and talk back. I don’t know about this.”

A knock sounded on the door and Maddie and Josh pushed through with smiles on their faces.

“Hi guys!” Maddie said happily, removing her coat and draping it over the couch. “Where’s my niece?”

Sydney held her to her chest and shook her head. “Warm your hands up first.”

I chuckled and leveled Sydney with a look. “You’ll be fine.”

David and Matt reappeared to greet Maddie and Josh, and Josh put his hand on Maddie’s stomach proudly.

“So?” I stared at the couple expectantly.

“So what?” Maddie replied with a teasing grin.

Sydney shook her head. “Oh no. You two are not going to keep us in the dark about this. Did you find out or what?”

Josh nodded. “The doctor was able to tell very clearly.”

I glanced up at Maddie and her grin widened before she spoke. “We’re having a girl, too.”

I squealed as I jumped to my feet and threw my arms around her. “We’re definitely outnumbering the guys.”

We celebrated both Maddie and Sydney’s news until late in the evening, and when Matt, Olivia, and I were back in the car I couldn’t stop smiling.

“We’re all so grown up, it’s insane. Livvie and baby Maddie will be in the same grade at school. Maybe baby Sydney will make it in time to join them.”

“You three always have to do everything together,” Matt said with a laugh as we pulled into the garage.

We went inside and I dressed Olivia for bed before sitting in the glider to nurse her. She had just fallen asleep when I heard Matt in the kitchen on the phone. I took Olivia into our room and placed her in the bassinet gently, leaning down to give her a soft kiss.

I moved into the kitchen and I saw Matt sitting at the table with his head in his hands. I instantly felt a cold chill run through me.

“Matt?” I said quietly and he looked up at me. The sadness on his face hit me in the gut and I shook my head. “What’s wrong?” I immediately thought of my pregnant friends and worried something had happened.

“Bay Springs just called your phone, Manda,” he said gently as he moved to his feet. I stared at him for several heartbeats and attempted to process his words. The home never called. The look on Matt’s face broke my heart because I knew I wasn’t going to like what he was about to tell me.

“Bay Springs,” I whispered and I shook my head quickly. “What happened? Is she okay?”

Matt’s head moved from side to side. “I’m so sorry, Amanda. She passed sometime this evening. They think she had a stroke.”

I covered my mouth with my hand and just stared at my husband in disbelief. “What?”

“The nurse said that there weren’t any indications and that she was just there and then she was gone.”

Tears fell down my face and I didn’t move from where I was standing. Matt pulled me to his chest and a cry left my body. He held me as tight as he could and I sobbed loudly, crying for my mother.

I thought about how she’d been when we had seen her the night before, and I didn’t notice any sign that something was wrong. In fact, I had quietly told myself that her improvement was amazing and had hoped that maybe we’d have a few more lucid years ahead of us. Those dreams were over though, because my mother was gone.

I didn’t sleep that night and Matt let me just lay in bed and cry, offering up comfort only he could give. The only time he let me go was when Olivia woke up around three for her nightly feeding and he warmed up a bottle of pumped milk I had in the fridge.

I cried myself to sleep sometime after that and when I woke up the bassinet was empty and Matt wasn’t beside me anymore. My eyes felt puffy and raw as I pulled myself out of the bed and into the bathroom.

My reflection looked haggard and I felt the tears threatening again as I stared at myself. My parents were both gone and I just wanted to fall apart. I walked through the house until I made it to the kitchen and I saw Linda standing with Olivia in her arms. When she spotted me she immediately moved and gave me a one-armed hug.

“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry.” I let the tears fall again as I hugged Linda for several long moments, and when I finally pulled away from her I glanced at Matt. He looked tired, but he still offered me a small smile.

“Hi sweets,” he said as he pulled me close. “Can I get you anything?”

I shook my head and tipped my head so I could meet his eyes. “Has Livvie eaten?”

He glanced at the clock. “A couple of hours ago. You probably should feed her or pump. Whatever you want, Manda.”

I nodded and gave Linda an apologetic look. “I want to nurse her. I need to hold her.”

Linda smiled and handed Olivia to me and I moved to the living room couch to nurse.

A few minutes later, Craig walked in the front door carrying to-go cups of coffee and a bag of food. When he saw me he gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Hi honey. I’m sorry about your mom.” He leaned down and kissed the top of my head and I nodded.

“Thanks Craig.” I peered down at Olivia and she was staring back up at me, just happily nursing. A small smile tugged at my lips and I ran my hand through her soft, short hair.

Matt brought over a cup of coffee and a muffin before sitting next to me. “Can you try to eat something? I know you probably want to go by the home.”

“Yeah, I need to get her stuff.” My voice broke and I blinked furiously to avoid letting the tears fall.

Matt wrapped his arms around my shoulder and nodded. “Mom and Craig will stay with Liv while we go, okay?”

“Okay.” I focused on Olivia, and she stopped nursing to give me a big smile. Matt let out a little chuckle and I fixed my shirt before pulling her to my shoulder to burp her. “She’s so perceptive.”

Matt nodded. “She is a good girl.”

I gave the baby to him so I could go shower, and when I was ready, I kissed her forehead before climbing in Matt’s car.

The ride over was quiet and I had to stifle a sob when we pulled out front. We walked inside together and Judy gave me a sad smile when she saw me.

“I’m sorry, Amanda,” she said, handing us our badges. “We loved your mama.”

I didn’t say anything but jerked my head minutely.

“Thanks Judy,” Matt said as she buzzed us in. His hand held mine tight as we walked through the room. People stopped me, residents and caregivers, expressing their sympathy, and when we made it to the next desk the director was standing there.

“Amanda. I’m so sorry.”

I gave another nod, trying to keep back my tears. “When did it happen?”

“Yesterday after dinner. She sat down to watch something on TV and when it was time to go to bed she was gone. She didn’t suffer at all.”

“Good.” I nodded and glanced around. “I need to have her transferred to Stone Family Mortuary.”

The director nodded. “It’s already in the works. Your mom had given us a copy of her directive.”

“Okay. Thank you. I’m going to get her stuff.”

Matt and I moved into her bedroom and the tears fell before we’d made it all of the way in there. Someone brought boxes in for us, and Matt and I pulled the pictures off the walls and packed up everything else. I picked up a photo of her, my dad, and me when I was in middle school and I sat on the bed to cry.

A soft knock sounded on the open door and I looked up to see Mrs. Jensen standing there. The eyes hidden behind her yellow-framed glasses looked sad, and she gave me a small smile.

“Amanda.”

“Hi Mrs. J.” I sniffled and stood from where I was sitting on the edge of the bed.

Mrs. Jensen moved into the room and didn’t stop until I was wrapped in her tight embrace. She was probably six inches shorter than me but I cried like a child in her arms. She made soothing noises and held onto me. When my crying quieted, she let out a big sigh and steered me back to the bed.

“Karen was my best friend. She was an amazing lady and I miss her so much already.” She peered at me with her wise eyes. “She loved you so much. You, this big man over here, and that tiny little baby were her pride and joy. Be sad because you’re going to miss her, but be glad because she was happy. Be glad because she no longer has to struggle with her illness.”

My bottom lip quivered and I nodded slightly. “Thank you.”

Mrs. Jensen kissed my forehead before giving me another hug. “I know it will be hard to visit, but write me, okay?”

I nodded again and Mrs. Jensen hugged us both before leaving the room.

It took us over an hour to get everything packed up, and Matt was very patient with my breakdowns. The worst one had been when I found another blanket mom had been making for Olivia. I clutched it to my chest and bawled like a child until I was sure I had no tears left to give.

When everything was all packed up, Matt took each box to the car and I signed some paperwork the director handed me.

“Again- I’m sorry for your loss, Amanda,” She said, giving me a gentle pat on the shoulder.

I nodded and dropped my badge off with Judy before rushing out to the car. Matt grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight, and drove us home.

Everything felt like a hazy dream. After Matt had fallen asleep that night, I had finally been able to bring myself to pull out the envelope Mom had given me for exactly this reason. As I read over the documents, I resisted the urge to cry again. I briefly wondered if crying too much could dehydrate you, because I would probably be there if they could.

I don’t know if it was because my dad’s death had left us so unprepared or just that my mom wanted to leave me with as little responsibility as possible, but she had made all of the arrangements over a year before. Everything was done and all I had to do was make the phone calls the next morning. Of course, I didn’t even do a lot of those. My husband stepped in and did a lot of the work for me, his protective side taking over as he attempted to shield me from any more pain than necessary. He didn’t push me when I said I didn’t want to visit Mom in the mortuary, having decided that I wanted to keep the dinner at our house the night before she died as my last memory of her.

The only thing Mom hadn’t done was write her own obituary and so the afternoon after going to the nursing home I worked on that with Maddie and Sydney close by. We were sprawled out on my bed with the laptop sitting in front of me, and Olivia laid out in front of Maddie as she attempted to eat her own toes.

I snapped the cover to the laptop closed and let out long breath.

“Well, that’s done. Mom’s life in two paragraphs.” I bit my lip and looked over at my daughter.

Sydney leaned her head against my shoulder. “Your mom’s life was definitely more than two paragraphs, babe. Don’t let that fool you.”

I nodded in silent agreement and grabbed a photo album off the foot of the bed.

“I need to pick two photos to run with it.” I flipped through the pages that held the smiling faces of my parents. A gentle knock sounded on the door and I looked up. “Come in.”

Jenny poked her head through with a sad smile on her face as she looked at me.

“Hey Amanda.”

I handed the album to Sydney and crawled to the foot of the king-sized bed to stand. Jenny and I moved into an embrace and I felt a sob rise in my chest. I had been hoping Jenny would be able to come out. I’d called her after leaving the nursing home to let her know about Mom. The new assignment she had taken had her over a hundred miles away and she wasn’t sure she would be able to find someone to cover her, but here she was.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” My voice was muffled as I clung to her tightly.

Jenny nodded as she pulled back to hold my face between her hands. “Of course. I found someone to cover me through the week so I can help out before the funeral, too. I love you and your mama, my dear. You two are family to me.” She glanced to the left and a smile crept across her face. “Is that Olivia?”

I pulled back and wiped my face before turning to look at my baby. Maddie had picked her up and grinned at us as Olivia gummed on her own tiny fist.

“That’s Olivia. You remember my friends, Maddie and Sydney, right?” I gestured to the girls and Jenny nodded, giving them both smiles.

“Yeah, of course. It’s nice to see you both again.” She walked over to Maddie and ran a hand through Olivia’s hair. “Can I hold her?”

Maddie nodded and handed the tiny baby into Jenny’s waiting arms. Jenny pulled Liv to her chest and pushed her nose to her head, inhaling deeply.

“She smells delicious. Your mom has e-mailed me so many pictures of her but they did not do her justice. She looks so much like you.” Jenny adjusted Olivia so they were looking at each other, and Olivia offered her toothless grin easily.

“She’s a perfect baby,” Sydney bragged from her spot on the bed. “Amanda definitely lucked out.” She stood and gave me a side-hug. “Maddie and I are going to go pick up lunch. Sandwiches okay with you both?”

Jenny and I nodded as my friends left the room, and we both settled on the bed.

“I cannot get over how cute she is, Amanda.” Jenny reached out to jiggle one of Olivia’s cheeks before looking back at me. “How are you doing? Really?”

I rubbed my eyes tiredly and let out a sigh. Jenny could probably see how I was. My eyes felt so swollen and my hair was a tangled mess where it was pulled back into a pony tail.

“I miss her so much. I can’t believe she’s gone.” My voice cracked as I spoke and Jenny tugged on me until I was against her shoulder, crying softly as Liv grabbed my ear with her tiny hand.

“She loved you with every piece of her soul, Amanda. You were her favorite thing in life. She and I emailed almost daily since she moved into the home and she was so happy. She has always worried about how closed off you were to the future, and I know that seeing you with Matt and this little one here made her feel fulfilled.” Jenny kissed the top of my head and we sat like that for a few minutes until Olivia started to fuss.