Scoundrel of Dunborough (4 page)

He wanted to kiss her now.

She is a nun
, he reminded himself,
even if she’s also a beautiful woman
. “I was afraid, too,” he confessed.

Glistening in the moonlight, her large eyes widened with a look of wonderment. “I didn’t think you were afraid of anything.”

She is a nun.
“I was afraid of many things, my father most of all.”

“So was I.”

“Everyone was frightened of him.”

“I meant my own. He used to fly into terrible tempers. Audrey and I would hide, and she would tell me stories to make me feel better.”

“I never knew that.” Even as a girl, Audrey had seemed too cold and calculating to offer a younger sister comfort.

“I realize she had her faults, but I loved her very much,” Celeste whispered, her voice full of sorrow.

Nun or not, there seemed but one thing to do. Gerrard put his arms around her and pulled her into his embrace.

He meant only to offer comfort, yet heat coursed through his body as her breasts pressed against his chest. He thought of her full lips so close to his own. All he need do was put a knuckle beneath her chin and tilt her head up to kiss her.

They were in shadow. No light shone from the narrow windows nearby. No one could see them.

She is a nun! She is a nun!

“I’m sorry I broke your collarbone that day, Gerrard,” she said softly.

“I’m sorry I cut off your hair,” he replied just as quietly.

If he were wise, he would move away. Leave her. Go to the farthest corner of the castle. Or the village.

He wasn’t wise.

Chapter Four

C
eleste knew what Gerrard was going to do before he did it. What he shouldn’t do, especially if he thought she was a nun.

She also knew what she ought to do. Stop him. Move away. Leave. Go back to her chamber.

She didn’t. She couldn’t. For too long she had dreamed of being in Gerrard’s arms. For too many years he’d been her idea of a hero, the ideal man. Of all the worldly longings she’d sought to stifle in the convent, the most difficult was the dream of being held in Gerrard’s arms with his lips upon hers.

So when he kissed her as she’d always imagined, she could not resist. She couldn’t protest, for his kiss was even more wonderful and exciting than her most vivid dreams, and some of them had been very vivid indeed.

His embrace tightened about her and her body seemed to become like liquid wax in his arms, without bones or muscles or sinews. Her only strength seemed to be in her hands as she clutched his shoulders to keep from falling, and to continue kissing him.

Her desire increased, heating her blood and sending it throbbing through her body. This was the sort of passionate encounter some of the girls had talked of. Being with the men they loved, and how they’d felt in their arms.

They hadn’t described the yearning building within her, the need for something more than lips on lips, or that a man might slide his hand along her arm and down her side, letting it rest on her hip before he began to slowly glide his palm up toward her breast.

When Gerrard cupped her there, she opened her lips to gasp, and his tongue slid into her mouth—a shocking, unexpected act she had never heard of or imagined.

Surprise and shame hit her like twin blows of a hammer.

Horrified by her own weakness, she put her hands on his chest and shoved him away. She knew too well what men were like, how violent and angry they could get, yet it seemed she’d forgoteen everything for a moment’s fleeting pleasure. “Stop! How could you?”

His brow furrowed, Gerrard spread his arms wide as he moved back. “I only meant to—”

“What?” she demanded, hiding her regret and remorse behind anger of her own. “Seduce me?”

His expression hardened and his lips became a grim, hard line, like Roland’s. Like Broderick’s and, yes, like their father’s. “No, that was not my intention.”

“I am a nun!”

“I forgot.”

“Forgot?” she repeated incredulously, as if she’d never heard anything so ridiculous.

“That’s the truth, whether you believe it or not,” he defensively replied. “And it wasn’t my idea to move farther back beneath the tree. It was you who led us here.”

“I thought...” What had she been thinking? She had no explanation. Nevertheless, she gave him one. “I thought it would be more sheltered from the wind and so easier to talk. And that was no excuse to kiss me.”

“I may have begun the kiss, but you were just as eager once I did.”

“I was not!” she protested, although that was a lie. A terrible, shameful lie. “You caught me off guard.”

He made a sweeping bow and his expression became a sort of mocking grin. She’d seen that look on his face before, but never had it been directed at her.

She didn’t want to see it now, even if she had been in the wrong to accuse him so unjustly, and even if it was better than his anger.

“I beg your forgiveness, Sister Augustine,” he said, his voice smooth and full of derision. “I promise I’ll never surprise you again. Now I give you good night and I hope you’ll have very pleasant dreams.”

In spite of his sardonic attitude, she saw something else in his eyes that filled her with dismay and regret and shame. She had hurt him. He’d been hurt many times in the past by his father and his brothers and now she had hurt him, too.

Gerrard turned on his heel and started across the yard toward the gate, chin up, back straight, like a conquering hero.

A hero she had wounded.

Another sin to beg forgiveness for, like letting him kiss and caress her.

No, the greater sin was his, she told herself as she hurried back to Roland’s chamber. Gerrard had kissed her first. That was the truth, whatever else had happened.

They were never going to kiss again. She would see to that.

They must never kiss again. She was going to be a nun. She wanted that more than anything in this world or the next. Then she would be protected, secure and close to God. She would be free of worldly cares and concerns and no longer troubled by the desires of the flesh. She would be away from violence and hatred and quarrels, men and women arguing far into the night regardless of the children who could hear, trembling and clutching each other for comfort in the dark.

She would be safe and maybe even happy, and if she had to give up certain longings and desires, it would surely be worth it.

* * *

The two guards at the inner gate snapped to attention as Gerrard approached. The garrison commander frowned when he saw that one of the guards was Verdan.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded. “I gave you leave from duty.”

“Well, sir, it’s like this,” Verdan replied, shifting his spear from one hand to the other. “The roster was all made up and one of the lads has a sweetheart in the village and he was plannin’ to see her, and he’d have to take my place, so—”

“Oh, very well. Spare me your explanation. I, too, am going to the village and I likely won’t be back until morning. And the next time you’re excused from duty, Verdan, stay excused. I won’t make such an offer a third time.”

“Yes, sir,” the soldier gruffly replied as young Hedley opened the smaller wicket gate.

After Gerrard had passed through and Hedley closed the gate, Verdan regarded his fellow soldier with dismay. “I didn’t think he’d be cross because I was on duty. And where’s he goin’ this time o’ night? You don’t think he’s goin’ back to his old ways, do ya?”

“I hope not,” Hedley glumly replied. “Maybe Sister Augustine was trying to talk him into staying in the castle.”

“What?”

“He was talking to the nun who came today, there by the tree.”

“Never!” Verdan exclaimed, although Hedley was famous for his eyesight. He could hit an apple with an arrow from fifty yards.

“Aye, he was. At least he met her there,” Hedley said. “Then they moved under the tree. I couldn’t see them after that.”

“Maybe you’re right, and she got wind he was goin’ to the village and tried to put a stop to it. He wouldn’t like that. No wonder he looked so peeved.”

“Aye,” Hedley agreed, leaning on his spear. “I could have sworn it was Sir Roland standing here.”

“Reckon there’s anything we ought to do?”

“Like what? We can’t stop Gerrard if he takes a notion to go to the village at night. He’s the garrison commander. And he might only have said he was going to the village and won’t be back till morning to see if we’re slack on the watch, and he’ll circle round and check again. He’s a clever one, after all, and takes his duties serious.”

Verdan hitched up his sword belt. “Aye, that’s true enough. Still, we’d best keep our eyes open. I like Gerrard, but our first duty’s to Sir Roland. He’s the lord of Dunborough, and he ought to know if his brother’s a sot or up to no good, no matter how much we hope he ain’t.”

* * *

The proprietor of the Cock’s Crow smiled broadly as Gerrard entered the smoky confines of the tavern. “Greetings, Gerrard! It’s been a while since you’ve darkened our door.”

“A mug of ale,” Gerrard said as he sat at a table in a far corner of the taproom, which smelled not only of smoke from the fire in the hearth, but also ale and beef stew, herb-strewn rushes on the floor and the bodies of hardworking men taking their ease after a day of toil.

“Aye, sir, aye!” Matheus replied. He hurried to bring it, setting it down and standing back. “Anything else you want?”

“A bed for the night—and just a bed,” Gerrard added when he saw Matheus’s expression. There had been times a woman had joined him there, but not tonight and not for days. Not since he’d returned from DeLac after Roland had been attacked.

“Of course, sir! And more ale when that one’s finished?”

“Perhaps.”

Ignoring the curious looks from the other customers, Gerrard took a swallow of the excellent ale, then wrapped his hands around the cup. He would have this one drink. It wouldn’t be wise to get drunk, not with Celeste—Sister Augustine—no doubt ready to denounce him for a drunkard as well as a libertine.

Even though she’d returned his kiss with equal passion, he still felt like the most disgusting reprobate in the kingdom—deservedly so. Only weeks ago he had been what gossip and rumor claimed he was: a rogue and a wastrel, carrying on with no concern for whom he hurt or why, seeking to annoy Roland, assuage his own desires and assert some independence.

He’d chosen for his friends young men with little to recommend them except their agreement that he deserved to be lord of Dunborough more than his brother.

Gerrard had paid for his pleasure, cheated at games of sport and toyed with women’s hearts, although he truly hadn’t meant for Esmerelda to get hurt.

Ever since the attack on Roland, though, he’d kept away from taverns, gambling dens and unwholesome women. He’d busied himself with training the men and the business of the estate, as much as he was able. He’d sought to lead a better, more respectable life and thought he’d been succeeding.

Until today. Until tonight, when his desire had compelled him to take a nun into his arms.

Perhaps he truly was his father’s son.

No, he was not. If his father had wanted Celeste, he would have taken her, no matter what she said or did, and even if she’d fought him tooth and nail.

Gerrard ran his hand through his hair. God help him, why had he kissed her?

The first answers came to him in Roland’s censorious voice.
Because you wanted to and didn’t care about the consequences. Because she’s pretty and you have a weakness for pretty girls.

Yet in his heart he knew there was more to it than that. Standing so close to her in the dark, he had felt as he had when they were younger, when he was afraid of his father and brothers and she had regarded him with awe and admiration, as if he could do anything. Be anything.

And then what had he done? He’d lost his temper over some stupid game, held her down and cut off her lovely, curling hair.

His feelings had overruled his head tonight, too. Was he never going to be master of himself? Why could he not foresee the consequences of his actions, especially the ones that would cause hurt and pain and anger?

He would. He must.

He drained his ale and took himself to bed.

* * *

Just past dawn the next morning, Celeste walked across the courtyard toward the gate. The weak November sun did little to warm the air and frost was heavy on the ground, but at least it wasn’t snowing.

Mercifully, and perhaps in answer to her prayers, Gerrard hadn’t been in the hall this morning, nor had any of the servants acted as if there had been any talk of improper behavior on her part.

For a long time last night she’d prayed for forgiveness for her lust, and the strength to resist the temptation Gerrard embodied. In future, she vowed, she’d have as little to do with him as possible. If Roland returned soon, she might never have to speak to Gerrard again.

Which was what she wanted, just as she needed...wanted...to be safe and secure in the religious life.

Nevertheless, and despite what had happened between them, she couldn’t help wishing that the tales told about Gerrard weren’t true. That he wasn’t a drunkard and lust-filled libertine. That he was a better man than his father and older brother, and more like the hero of a ballad than the wastrel gossip and rumor said he was.

That she was right to still have hope that Esmerelda had unjustly blamed him for what had happened to her. Even if she never saw him again, she wanted to think of him as a good man.

As Celeste got closer to the gate, she couldn’t be sure if the guards were the same men who’d been on duty last night. In case they were and had seen that shameful embrace, she would do her very best imitation of the always serene Sister Sylvester. That way they might have doubts about who had been with Gerrard under the tree.

“Good day,” she said with a pleasant smile when she reached them. “Please open the gate.”

The two men exchanged wary glances.

“Is there some reason you should not?” she sweetly inquired.

“Not at all, Sister,” the older, bearded one replied, moving to open the wicket gate for her.

With a nod of thanks she lifted her skirts to pass over the threshold—and nearly bumped into Gerrard.

He fell back a step and his surprise soon gave way to that slightly mocking grin. “Where might you be going this fine morning, Sister Augustine?”

He didn’t look the worse for drink, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t. She had learned from her father that a man could be far from sober and still look it.

Perhaps he’d been in his cups last night when he’d kissed her. She hadn’t considered that.

Even if he had been, that didn’t excuse him. Indeed, if anything, it magnified his offense.

“Since I am a guest, I don’t believe I need answer that question,” she replied.

“No, you don’t,” he agreed with exaggerated courtesy as he stepped aside. “After you, Sister.”

“Good day, Gerrard,” she replied, walking briskly past him. She did not look back to see what, if anything, he did as she continued toward the village and her family’s home.

She passed a group of old men gathered by the smithy and several servants already gossiping by the well. More than one gave her a quizzical look, and one of the women immediately covered her mouth and turned aside to whisper to another. About her? About Audrey? About their father and his mistreatment of their mother, or had those tales of quarrels, harsh words and bruises been forgotten long ago?

As Celeste quickened her pace, a youth of about sixteen, with sandy hair and a pockmarked face, paused while removing the shutters of a shop. He gave her a shy smile and nodded a hello, reminding her that not everyone in Dunborough was regarding her with curiosity.