Searching for Beautiful (22 page)

“I’ll go get another one,” he says, and before I can tell him he doesn’t need to, Christian is on his way to the counter. The girl starts to play and sing again, this mellow, relaxing beat that makes me want to lose myself as though I’m the one playing.

A couple minutes later, he returns.

“Will you tell me about it? About Angelica?” I ask. Christian pauses with his coffee cup close to his mouth and I add, “You don’t have to. I know I’m not one to talk. I haven’t told you about anything.”

“That’s not true.” He sets his cup down. “You told me you lost your mom while you were making pottery. That everyone thinks you lied but you didn’t. Those are big things.”

I nod, because they are.

Christian sighs, but then says, “My stuff isn’t really a big deal. I mean, she was freaked about my parents getting divorced. It made it even harder on her because she didn’t get that Mom was in love with Sally.”

“What about you? Was it hard on you?”

Christian shrugs. “It was shocking as hell. I was confused, but I think being younger helped me. I was stoked as long as I still had my mom around and was able to get away with more because they didn’t want to upset us.”

I shake my head, but I’m smiling. “Boys.”

“Whatever works.” He looks at the girl singing for a minute and then back at me. “It was hard. Dad was pissed. Hurt. He kind of took it out on all of us and just dropped off the face of the earth for a while. As you know, we moved to deal with it. It was harder on Angelica, though. Like I said, girls are
loco
and they’re hard as hell on each other. While the guys at the new school thought it was cool I had two moms, the girls gave her crap about it. They teased her about being a lesbian and made big deals about changing in front of her in gym. Shit like that.”

“I bet that was tough,” I whisper. My friends might not be friends with me anymore, but it’s not like people are teasing me.

“But Angelica had us. Mom would have done anything for her. She would been at the school every day or taken her out. Whatever Angelica needed, but Angelica never said anything to Mom. I didn’t get how serious it was at first. Didn’t see it was a big deal, so when Angelica asked me not to say anything, I didn’t.”

Emery’s words play in my mind.

“She lost weight and Mom noticed. She still said she was fine. I got pissed because my sister was so sad all the time. Mom was worried and I didn’t get why Angelica couldn’t just tell the people at school to fuck off, ya know?”

That sounds so much like him. Christian’s one of the most caring people I know, but he doesn’t always get it. Doesn’t see that what’s easy for him might not be easy for all of us.

“So that began the cycle. Angelica started to act out. I started to get in fights to…I don’t know, pull the attention away from her or something. It’s crazy how things catch on in school. The people who didn’t give a shit about it before suddenly did because they saw it bothered her. They saw her as a weak link and it made everyone attack. I wasn’t going to be that weak link, and I wanted to do anything to make it so Angelica didn’t look like one, either.”

“You love her.”

“She’s my sister.” He takes another drink. “So Mom realized what was going on. The school was calling about my fighting all the time. It had been going on for a while. We moved again, and then Angelica just didn’t want to be friends with anyone. She didn’t want to get close and she started to get depressed. Mom had a really hard time. She just wanted to fix her. It was hard for her that she couldn’t. Angelica just got more depressed and I got more pissed. Mom didn’t want me to get as bad as Angelica so she stuck me in classes for my anger. The guitar was better for me than anything else.

“Next thing we knew, Dad was in the picture again and Angelica was going to live with him.”

Wow…how sad for them all. And just because of who his mom loved.

Love is such a powerful thing. My whole life I’ve been looking for it. I felt it from my parents, talking about it with my mom. Thought I was in love with Christian and then Jason. And Brenda’s loving Sally is what tore their family apart. “That breaks my heart. How sad for all of you.”

He nods, but doesn’t say anything else. We listen to the music a little while longer and finish our drinks before he says, “You about ready to go?”

I nod and we get up to leave. We talk a little on the ride back to town, but not too much. Our earlier conversation changed the mood, and it’s both good and bad. I’m glad Christian told me that part of him. I respect him for being able to do it. He’s transparent in a way, like he walks around completely open and letting the whole world see inside him, while I’m completely closed off. Sealed up tight. When I think about what I see when I look inside Christian, I know I like it. He isn’t perfect, but no one is.

“Can we not go home yet?” I ask him.

He looks over at me. “Definitely. What do you want to do?”

“Listen to you play.” If it’s like every other day I’ve gone anywhere with Christian, he has his guitar in his trunk. It’s a part of him. His therapy and his passion. How cool that those things can be one and the same.

“I know the perfect place.” He drives until we get to a park. It’s not the kind kids play in, but a big, open space far enough from the main street that you can’t see the traffic. In the center is a little white gazebo.

“It’s chilly outside, but I have another jacket in the back if you want it.”

I nod and Christian gets me the coat, which I put on over my sweater. He’s wearing his typical nineties Christian fashion with a T-shirt and a long-sleeved shirt underneath it.

He grabs the guitar out of the trunk and then we head over to the gazebo.

“What do you want me to play?” he asks.

“Whatever you want.”

So he does. He plays songs I don’t know. Songs that are his and then a couple of other people’s. Christian’s voice is beautiful. It sings to my soul and makes my hands yearn to be covered in clay so I can match my passion with his. So I can lose myself the way he does.

With each song he plays, I think about the look in his eyes as he spoke about his family. The freedom in them, the honesty, and I want that feeling.

I want it more and more and more.

One of his songs ends and he opens his mouth to start another, but I know if I don’t speak right now, if I don’t open my mouth and say it, I never will. “I met Jason not long after my mom died.”

Christian’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t speak. He sets his guitar next to us and looks at me.

“He told me I was beautiful. He called me
his beautiful
and it was so close to what Dad said about Mom that I thought it was destiny. How stupid is that?” I shrug. “I mean, there’s more to it. I was lonely and missing Mom. I guess I thought he could fill something in me that I’d lost.”

“You respect your parents. You love them. I think it’s normal to try to get what they have.”

“Not when you totally lose yourself in it.”

Like he always does, Christian speaks the truth. “No, not then.”

When I start to talk again, the words come out easier than I thought they would. Actually, it’s like they’re pushing their way out, tumbling and fighting one another to find their way out of my mouth. “He fed me lines and I fell for them. I can’t believe I fell for them. He said he had a bad home life and wasn’t supposed to date. We’d meet at what I thought was his brother’s house, which I later found out was his. He wanted me to keep our relationship a secret and I did… Only Ian had started dating someone else and, I don’t know, I didn’t want to feel left out, I guess, so I told them about Jason, but said I didn’t want anyone to meet him.”

The words are like acid on my tongue. They make me feel stupid. So incredibly stupid. Was I really the kind of girl who would fall for that? Who felt left out because everyone was dating someone other than me so I had to brag about Jason? Had to say I didn’t want anyone to meet him?

The thought makes me nauseous.

Am I any better now?

“I know you heard the rumors.”

“Like I said, I don’t give a shit about rumors. I want to hear it from you.” And then he pulls out his gummy bears and I reach in the bag and grab one. It’s silly. So silly, but it’s comforting. Somehow, it helps.

“I…I got pregnant. I thought he loved me. He was the only boy I’d ever been with.”

Christian’s features visibly tighten.

“When I told him, he wanted me to get rid of it and I couldn’t. There were never two people in the world who loved each other like Mom and Dad—and they tried for a baby forever, both before and after they adopted me. How could I get rid of mine? I’m all for a girl’s right to choose, but I wasn’t choosing.
He
was. And that’s when I found out who he really was. That he played for the Storm and he was twenty-three. But I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know, Christian. Everyone thinks I did because I wouldn’t let them meet him, but I didn’t.”

He curses and pulls me to him. I let him hug me, take comfort in his arms as I cry. I hate all the tears I’ve shed since Mom died. She was all about happy, and that’s what she wanted for me. But the tears feel good right now, too. Almost cleansing, and I need to be cleansed of my past. Of Jason.

“He said he would tell everyone that I lied about my age. The crazy thing is, he didn’t even have to—they all just assumed it because I’d kept the relationship secret. No one asked me if I was telling the truth. My lies about not wanting anyone to meet Jason came back to haunt me. It just made everyone think I
did
lie to Jason and that I knew.”

Christian squeezes me tighter.

“Even my dad. He’s never said it, but I know he wonders. How can he think I would do something like that?”

I feel Christian shake his head from where my face is buried against him.

“This is one of those times I’m going to sound sexist, but I don’t think it’s that, Bryntastic. Your dad’s a guy. He feels like it was his job to protect you. I think he looks at you and thinks he failed.”

His words give me a kind of comfort I never would have expected. I don’t want Dad to think he failed me, but I don’t want him to doubt me, either.

“You think so?”

He nods.

“Is that how you feel? About your mom and Angelica?” The way his blue eyes darken is the only answer I need. “Christian, it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that. I do. Sometimes it’s just hard.”

We sit there for a few minutes and I let him hold me. I know I should pull away, but I don’t. I can’t make myself and I don’t want to. I’m comfortable close to him. I deserve to be comfortable. To hug a boy or go out on a date or whatever else I want.

“Hey…I have an idea,” he says, breaking the silence. “It could maybe get us into a little trouble if we get caught, but I’m down if you are.”

My reflex is to say no, but I don’t. Because I don’t
want
to. Without even asking Christian his idea, I agree. We drive to a store, where Christian buys three eighteen packs of eggs. I’m feeling a little confused, but I go with it. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure egging will be involved and though I’m not sure what brought that on, I’m trying hard to go with the flow here.

It’s dark by now, but not too late. Christian drives, and I’m curious where we’re going, but when he stops on the side of the road, I realize the answer is in front of me.

A billboard.

With Jason’s face on it. The boy who overcame the hard past. The one who took so very many things away from me.

It’s crazy because I can’t even tell you if the sign is new or not. It’s one of those things people just don’t pay attention to. I’m not into baseball. It’s not something I would have looked for, and maybe Jason banked on that.

Anger pushes me to grab the eggs. I slam the car door behind me and storm closer to the sign. Christian’s behind me, but I don’t wait for him. In this moment I don’t care about anything but taking this one little step toward claiming my life back from Jason.

I set the eggs down, open the first package, and throw one as hard as I can. It smacks Jason right in the forehead.

It fires me up in the best possible way. Like happy energy pumping through me. So amazingly wonderful that I actually start to shake. Adrenaline surges through me as I throw egg after egg at Jason. Some of them miss, but it’s okay. In this, I’m beating him. I’m telling him how I feel.

I’m taking my life back.

There’s no fear of getting into trouble. It would be worth it because tonight, I will win. Tonight, Jason’s going down.

“Good shot,” Christian says as I lob another one.

When I pick up the last egg from the carton, I look at it. Look at Jason. “I’m taking my life back,” I tell him as I let the egg fly through the air toward his face. I know it’s not that easy. I know I won’t walk away from this night magically better, but my vow means something to me. It’s me opening the door toward the maze of finding my way back to my life.

As soon as the egg crashes against Jason’s face, I jump into Christian’s arms. He catches me and hugs me. When I start to laugh, he does, too. I feel so…free. I know I’m walking through that door and finding my way home again.

The laughter dies down and I look at him. We’re close. So very close that all I would have to do is lean forward to kiss him. To take another step. He said he wouldn’t try again and I know he won’t. Christian is always honest, so if I ever plan to kiss him, I’ll have to be the one to do it.

Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.

My phone rings, making the decision for me. It’s Dad. I know it is, because no one else calls me. The moment is broken.

“I…I better get that. My dad will freak out.”

Christian nods and lets go of me. My feet hit the ground and I answer Dad’s call. Tell him I’m on my way home now and then hang up.

We’re walking back to the car in the dark when Christian stops me. “I’m sorry that happened to you. And thanks for telling me.”

I feel like I’m glowing. Think about kissing him again, but settle on saying, “Thanks for today. And the eggs. Thanks for everything, Christian. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.”