Searching For Captain Wentworth (25 page)

The episode
wasn’t mentioned again. He was friendly, but distant,
as we walked home under the umbrella being so
careful not to
make any bodily
contact, which was difficult, to say the least. The
rain drumming above us on the taut cloth was the
only sound. Josh
didn’t utter
another word after we turned onto Green Street. I
searched desperately for something to say, but was
tongue-tied,
only managing a
quiet goodbye when we parted.

The day of
Josh’s launch party was drawing ever closer and I had a
sudden panic about what I was going to wear. The
official
invitation that
Josh put under the door certainly gave the idea of a
formal occasion. I’d bought absolutely nothing with
me that was
going to be of
any use at all. I had no choice; I’d have to get some
money out of the allowance my lovely Dad had given
me for just
such an
emergency. Well, he might not have seen it as such, but as
far as I was concerned, it was important that I
made the right
impression. That
thought led me to another that I didn’t quite know
how to think about. Josh had asked me to go, had
indicated that
he’d pick me up
on the way over, but it didn’t feel like a date and
he certainly hadn’t asked me as you might if it was
a romantic date.
Surely, he’d
just asked me to go because he was polite and thought
I’d enjoy it. He’d probably asked lots of people, I
decided, but even
so, I didn’t
want him to think badly of me, and that meant choosing
the right outfit. Wondering whether I should go and
peruse copies
of Vogue and
Harpers Bazaar, I also knew that I hadn’t got the type
of budget that was going to run to a designer
outfit. I’d just have to
hit the
shops and see what was there. We hadn’t seen each other
since the day of the museum and although I’d
promised myself I
wouldn’t think
about what had happened, I couldn’t help
remembering the sweetness of that kiss even if it
all seemed so
unreal; like a
dream, somehow. I kept going over what he’d said in
my mind, but came back to the same idea that it was
right not to
complicate our
relationship. We were good friends and it would be
best if it stayed that way.

Sometimes, just
very occasionally, it does seem as if the fates
conspire to make everything right. For the very
first time in my life,
I walked
into the very first shop I came to and bought the very first
dress I tried on. A flowing floor-length dress in
dove-grey jersey,
with silver
beads embellishing the halter neck strap, seemed to
present the perfect solution between the formal and
the casual. I
couldn’t believe
my luck. Teamed with some flat, Grecian style
sandals and long earrings, I actually started to
feel quite excited
about the party
and hurried home with my spoils.

I saw Alison as
I turned the corner onto Sydney Place. The
receptionist from Josh’s museum was knocking on the
front door
and looked as if
she was on an urgent mission.

‘Oh hi,’ she
cried, as she saw me approach. ‘Do you know
where Josh can be? Only I’ve been knocking for an
age and I’ve
got an important
message I know he won’t want to miss.’

‘I’m sorry I
haven’t seen him, but if you’d like me to pass it
on, I’m very happy to do that.’

Alison looked me
up and down, hesitating as if she were
weighing up whether she thought she could trust me. ‘Can you tell
him that Louisa called again? She said he’s not
answering his
phone and she’s
desperate to talk to him. They just keep missing
one another and he was so upset last time.’

She laughed and
added, ‘He must have it bad. Lucky Louisa.
What I wouldn’t give to be in her shoes when they
get together. Oh
well, if you
could tell him, I’d be really grateful. I can’t think where
he’s got to today. He’s seemed right down in the
dumps this week.
I’m a bit
worried about him, to tell you the truth.’

When she’d gone,
I felt really deflated. I couldn’t help
wondering who Louisa was or about the message I had
to deliver,
but it was
obvious from Alison’s hints that this girl was evidently
very important to Josh. I let myself in, dumping my
bags in the
bedroom before
scribbling a note and poking it under his door.

Back upstairs; I
stood at the windows watching the sun going
down over the park and the shadows lengthening. I
suddenly felt
very alone in
the gloom of my darkening sitting room and couldn’t
help thinking about Josh. Louisa must be someone
special. Was she
the reason for
the broken heart he’d mentioned, I thought? No
wonder he always seemed aloof. Although I was sure
he was
sincere in wishing
to be my friend, I knew that what had happened
between us had been a huge mistake, one that he’d
never meant to
happen. Touching
my mouth where his lips had kissed mine so
tenderly that day reminded me of the powerful
emotion I’d
experienced. Why
was life so bewildering? I didn’t want to fall in
love with anyone, so why did it feel as if my heart
was trying to
confuse me?

My eyes wandered
to the rosewood box and opening the lid I
fetched out the glove. I’d tried very hard not to
think about Sophia
and her
friendship with the Austens, but it still bothered me that I
hadn’t had a satisfactory explanation for what had
happened on that
day when they’d
decided not to call. If I had done or said something
to upset my friends, I just had to find out. I felt
as if I was always
running away
from life, but I recognized that I was never going to
be happy until I knew. What harm would there be in
going back? I
would find them
and set everything straight. And, as soon as I had,
also satisfying my curiosity, I would leave again.
There was no
reason why I
shouldn’t just be Charles’s friend and I ought to make
sure that he knew that friendship was all I wanted
from him. I was determined on a course I knew in my heart to be both
foolish and irresponsible, but I couldn’t help
myself. How quickly
come the reasons
for approving our actions and doing what we like!

Five minutes
later I was in Sydney Gardens, which looked ghostly
with descending mist in the fading light. At the
gate, I didn’t
hesitate.
Besides, I was absolutely sure I didn’t want to be there
when the setting sun disappeared beyond the
horizon.

It was daylight
on the other side, warm and sunny, which
instantly made me feel better. I was surprised at
how familiar the
gardens looked
and though I was feeling a certain amount of
trepidation at the thought of seeing Jane and her
brother, I was
pleased to be
back. I’d escaped temporarily from the real world and
right now, that was all I wanted to do. Turning
onto one of the quieter paths I passed dense
shrubbery on either side of the Serpentine Walk,
which at every
turn met with
shady bowers where climbing plants concealed a
lover’s seat or a stone statue. The sound of a
splashing waterfall led
me to a
hidden grove where water tumbled over rocks glittering in
sunlight and the curving fronds of green ferns
dipped their feathery
leaves
into a gurgling, icy pool. It all looked so magical, like a fairy
grotto, and I sat down on the stone seat hidden
amongst the
greenery to
watch a blackbird bathing in the shallows at the water’s
edge. I wasn’t in a hurry and in such a beautiful
place; it was
impossible to
worry about anything. Shivering in the cool shade, I
pulled my shawl tighter about my shoulders, before
taking a pin
from my hair and
dropping it into the water to make a wish. I closed
my eyes, willing with all my heart that what I
hoped most of all
would come true.
More than anything I wanted to see my friends
and feel everything was right between us again.

From my seat I
could see the entrance to the Labyrinth. Like an enchanted
wood, it
seemed to be
calling me in and I thought I’d take my chance, even
though I remembered Jane saying she’d lost herself
in the maze on
at least two
occasions. Green hedges rose high above me as I
stepped inside and were so dense it was impossible
to see through
them. Hurrying
along the twisting pathways I wondered if it was a
good idea to walk alone, but the place was
deserted. Even the
gardens had been
extraordinarily empty of people. Several times I
took a wrong turn at a hermit’s cottage or where a
wooden pavilion
signalled the
end of a path and had to double back, but I soon found
myself in the middle. There was Merlin’s swing, a
huge wheel
rising high in
the air for those brave enough to try it, but there was
no one suspended above the Labyrinth today to laugh
at those
who’d lost their
way. A moss-covered grotto with a wooden sign
declared an alternate way out through an
underground passage. I
wasn’t
sure if I wanted to go that way. It looked dark and gloomy
so I turned back on myself, and following a
butterfly that flew into
my field
of vision I entered another part of the Labyrinth.

The butterfly
almost seemed to be waiting for me to catch it
up. As I ran to keep it in view, I watched the
beautiful creature
dancing in the
sunlight, its fragile wings hovering above the ground
before soaring to the top of the hedge to alight on
a leaf. Brown
velvet wings
fluttered to make a display of its white lace, and it was
then I realized that we were not alone. I heard a
whispered
exchange, hushed
voices that held such nostalgic sounds of
recognition, I instantly felt I was intruding.
Before I’d taken many
more
steps I knew that I’d stumbled upon a lover’s meeting and
though I really didn’t want to spy, I found myself
unable to stop
staring.

Concealed within
a bower of arched trees, with blossoms
tumbling in white curtains like confetti to the ground, a handsome
fair-haired gentleman sat holding the hand of his
girl who was
hidden from my
view.

‘I have never
been inconstant,’ he said. ‘Your heart must
understand the truth of all I say. Tell me not that
such precious
feelings will
diminish, that you will cease to love me. I love none
but you. Accuse me of self-interest, I cannot deny
it. I am guilty of
being selfish, I
know, but the happiest hours of my life have been
those spent with you. Do not blame me for wishing
to snatch a few
more.’

‘I do not blame
you, but with everything settled as we know it
to be, as things can only be resolved, we will do
more harm than
good if we do
not accept what is beyond our control.’

‘If I were a
knave, I would plead with you to change your
mind.’

‘And we both
know there lies a path to unhappiness and folly.
This encounter is insanity itself, I cannot think
how you persuaded
me to meet you
today.’

‘Yet, you came.’

Silence
descended. Oblivious to everything around them, I
saw two heads bend towards the other and the young
man plant a
tender kiss upon
his lover’s hand. I was rooted to the spot, even
though I knew I should leave. If I moved they would
hear or see me
and know that
I’d found them out. That they had no wish to be
discovered was painfully obvious. Although the
young man seemed
to be less
furtive, I sensed their anxiety as I caught a glimpse of the
girl leaning forward to whisper in his ear. Dressed
in a blue gown,
which fluttered
back in the breeze, I saw her bonnet strings were
untied.

The young man
spoke again. ‘Can we not pretend just for
today, that we are as free to love one another as
we were all those
years ago when
we first met?’