Sebastian Darke: Prince of Fools (10 page)

'So I have some of her features. And also some from my father, a human.'

'I wonder what made him want to marry an elf,' she said.

'I imagine he was in love with her,' suggested Sebastian, a little more coldly than he had intended.

'Was? Isn't he in love with her any more?'

'My father's dead, Princess. He died a little while ago.'

She looked rather uncomfortable at this news. She gazed off into the middle distance for a moment, where a large flock of the black birds were flapping noisily in the branches of a tree.

'I'm sorry to hear that,' she said. 'I know what it's like to lose a parent. In my case, it was both of them, and I was so young . . .' A disturbed look flickered briefly across her face, as though she was remembering bad times, but then she seemed to shrug the thoughts away. 'What did your father do?' she asked.

'He was a jester, like me. Or rather, I'm like him. At least, I'm trying to be.'

'And are
you
in love, Mr Darke?'

He laughed nervously. Now it was his turn to feel un?comfortable. 'No,' he said. 'Not yet, anyway' He smiled. 'But one day, I'm sure I shall feel as my father did about my mother.'

'Love!' She rolled her eyes. 'The poets at court are always prattling on about that. I sometimes wonder if there's any such thing. I think poets invented it just to have something to write about.' She frowned. 'And is she lovely, this mother of yours?'

'I think so,' said Sebastian. 'But what boy would not say that of his own mother?'

'She's given you some interesting features though,' the princess observed. 'You have quite handsome eyes. And I rather like those pointed ears.'

Now Sebastian didn't know what to say. He could feel his face reddening even more and he pretended to be occupied with the reins he was holding. After a few moments he stole a glance at her but looked quickly away when he saw she was still studying him with her vivid green eyes. He had to admit to himself that she was extraordinarily beautiful. A pity that she was so silly and shallow.

'So . . .' she said, after a rather uncomfortable pause. 'You're hoping to find employment with my uncle. As a jester.'

Sebastian nodded. 'Yes. Is he . . . the humorous sort, your uncle?'

'Not so you'd notice. He's rather fond of sarcasm, but I doubt if that counts. He's . . .' The princess seemed to search for the right words for a moment. 'He's an enigma, my Uncle Septimus. It's not always easy to get into his head. He is very fond of me, of course, very protective. I imagine if I put in a word for you, it would carry a lot of weight with him.'

Sebastian glanced at her hopefully. 'And would you be prepared to do that?' he asked her.

She shrugged. 'Well, I don't know. That would depend on whether you're funny or not. You haven't exactly been a load of laughs so far, have you? Why don't you give me a few samples of your, er . . . art?'

Sebastian was uncomfortably aware that Max had just thrown a mournful look over his shoulder, but did his best to ignore it.

'Well,' he said. 'Let me see now . . .' He searched his mental store for something he thought might possibly appeal to her. Finally he happened on a story that he thought might have some chance of making her smile. 'Did you hear the one about the man who was walking along the street and his hat blew off? And he was about to pick it up, but this other fellow came along with a mutt walking beside him, and the mutt ran over and tore the hat to shreds. So the man went to the mutt's owner and he says, "Look what your mutt has done to my hat!" So the other fellow shrugs and says, "Well, what do I care? Clear off!" The man is disgusted. He says, "Now look here, I don't like your attitude." And the other fellow says, "Well, it's not my hat he chewed!"'

There was the customary long silence that usually followed one of his stories and he began to resign himself to yet another failure – but then suddenly, unexpectedly, something quite extraordinary happened. Princess Kerin tilted back her head and laughed. And it wasn't a feeble chuckle, or a half?hearted snigger. No, it was a genuine laugh, full of merriment.

'That's very good,' she said, when her laughter had subsided a little. And she seemed to mean every word of it.

Sebastian was so taken aback, he nearly fell out of his seat. He looked over at Max, who was staring back again, this time with a bewildered expression on his face.

'You . . . you really thought it was funny?' ventured Sebastian.

'Of course! "Attitude". "Hat he chewed"! That's brilliant. Tell me some more.'

Scarcely believing his luck, Sebastian tried her with some more jokes. Each one was rewarded with a more enthusiastic response, until by the fifth one she was virtually helpless with laughter, tears streaming down her lovely face.

'Stop,' she cried. 'I'll wee myself!'

This was such an un-princess-like thing to say that Sebastian felt quite shocked but, in a strange way, delighted. He found that he was warming to Princess Kerin in a way he could never have imagined possible. He smiled and gave Max an enthusiastic flick on the rump with the reins.

'Let's not get carried away,' he heard the buffalope say – but Sebastian was too pleased to care.

'So . . . how do you remember them all?' asked Princess Kerin, once she had got herself under control.

'I just memorize them,' he told her.

'I'm useless at telling jokes,' she said. 'I always get the details wrong. It'll be nice to have somebody at court who can liven things up a bit. It can be terribly stuffy being a princess.'

'You'll be Queen soon,' Sebastian reminded her.

'Yes.' Her good humour seemed to evaporate and she looked suddenly very serious. 'I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I've known since I was a little girl that I'd have to do it sooner or later, but it always seemed so far away. Now, all of a sudden, it's crept up on me. Tomorrow's my birthday and then it's just one short year away.'

'A lot can happen in a year,' said Sebastian.

I suppose it can. But still, it seems too close for comfort. I hope I'll be a good queen.' She gave him a curious sidelong look. 'What do you think?' she asked.

Tricky one, that.

I . . . wouldn't have the first idea,' he said. 'I don't really know what's involved.' He felt slightly emboldened by the fact that she had liked his jokes and made an uncharacteristically forthright remark. I suppose it always helps if a queen is beautiful. And . . . you're certainly that.'

She gave him a questioning look and then shook her head. 'You're just saying that because you think it will get you a job,' she said.

'No, I mean it . . . you are. Really.' His face was burning again, and he found it very difficult to look at her.

'Gosh,' she said. 'Nobody's ever said I'm beautiful before.'

'I find that hard to believe,' he said.

'Oh, people have said I'm regal and full of majesty and other piffle like that. But nobody's used that word.' She looked at him thoughtfully. 'What about my nose?' she asked him.

'Your . . . nose?'

'Yes. It has a bit of a twist to it. See?'

He was obliged to look her directly in the face and was aware of her eyes boring into his own. 'Umm . . . I . . . I can't see anything wrong with it. Your nose. It's . . . proud.'

'That's just a nice way of saying it's too big!' she protested.

'No, it's perfect. On your face, no other nose would sit as well. It's . . . really, a very, very nice nose.'

There was a long silence while they sat there staring at each other, a moment that was rudely interrupted by the sound of Max breaking wind.

'Scuse me,' he said. But the spell was shattered. Sebastian and Princess Kerin turned away from each other and fixed their gazes on the way ahead.

'Well, I'm sure that there's a lot more to being a queen than having a proud nose,' she said at last. 'I understand you need certain qualities.'

'Honesty,' said Sebastian, and immediately regretted it.

'What do you mean?' she demanded, rather sharply.

'Er . . . well, I think that's probably something that a queen might need, to . . . rule wisely. And, er . . . I was thinking . . .' His voice trailed off as he realized he was overstepping the mark. 'It's . . . none of my business really.'

'No, go on with what you were about to say. I insist.'

Sebastian felt as though he was growing steadily smaller in his seat but it was too late to evade the issue. 'It was the way you behaved when you discovered that your guards had been killed. For a moment it looked like you were genuinely upset – there were real tears in your eyes . . . but then you did something to make yourself all hard, like you didn't really care.'

Princess Kerin glared at him. 'What if I did?' she protested.

'Well, your highness . . . I'm only saying. There's no shame in shedding tears for those who have died. We wouldn't have thought any the less of you.'

'I see.' All the warmth had gone out of Princess Kerin's voice now. 'So you're saying I'm dishonest. That I show a false image to the world.'

'It wasn't really my place to say anything,' said Sebastian glumly.

'Too right it wasn't! You realize, of course, that I could have you executed on the spot when we arrive at our destination.'

'But . . . I . . . Princess, we saved your life!'

'You needn't think that counts for anything. Of all the presumptuous—' Her temper seemed to suddenly tip over a precipice into a chasm of spite. 'Who are you, anyway, to be criticizing somebody like me? A jumped-up jester in an ill-fitting outfit who tells pathetic stories for a living.'

'You seemed to think they were quite funny!' muttered Sebastian.

'It was sympathy. I just felt sorry for you!'

'Please, your highness, I didn't mean—'

'I don't care what you meant! Well, I'm not staying here to be insulted.' She turned aside and jumped down from her seat.

'Princess, please! Where are you going?'

'To my own carriage,' she snarled and began to march away, her hands on her hips.

'But it's not safe! The equines . . .'

She ignored him. Leaning out, he saw that she was approaching Cornelius, who was looking at her with a baffled expression on his face. He was about to rein in the equines, but she simply made a leap for it, clambered up the swaying steps of the carriage and disappeared inside.

Sebastian dropped back down into his seat with a groan and buried his face in his hands.

There was a long silence as the caravan moved on across the hillside. Then Max said: 'Well. That could have gone better.'

Sebastian looked down at the buffalope's swaying rump. 'Please,' he said. 'This is not a good time—'

I mean, it was all going so well! You had her eating out of your hand. Unbelievable as it may seem, she was even laughing at your jokes! And then, just when everything was looking perfect, when all you had to do was butter her up a bit, what did you do? You criticized her! You said she wasn't fit to be Queen,'

'I know! I can't think what came over me. But, you know, deep down inside, she probably knows I'm right.'

Max looked back over his shoulder, a long, pitying look. 'We'll try to draw comfort from that when we're being executed in the town square,' he said grimly.