Secondhand Heart (29 page)

Almost mirroring the move I’d just pulled on him, Cam reached up and flipped me down on to my back, spinning up on top of me almost like two cats in a fight. I half laughed, half squealed when I landed on my back. Cam didn’t want to tease, he didn’t want to go slow. He just wanted to go.

His shirt was gone already, and he unhooked my bra as he sucked on my neck, my arching back making his work easier. I pushed off my own shorts. Cam’s hands were otherwise occupied with my breasts, and I didn’t want to insinuate I wanted him to stop. His intensity lit a fire in me that I wasn’t sure had even been fully reignited in me when we’d been together before. When the heat deep in my belly threatened to burn us both alive, I grabbed handfuls of his hair, coaxing his mouth to mine, so he could ride the waves of the flames inside me. Drenched in sweat and struggling to breathe, Cam collapsed on top of me. I wrapped my arms around him, never wanting to let him go.

Why had I wanted to push him away? Whatever I was thinking just hours before didn’t even make sense to me anymore.

Cam started chuckling. At first he tried to keep it in, his shoulders shaking made the whole bed move.

“What’s funny?” Had he lost his mind?

He rolled over, so he lay beside me. I turned to face him, and tried not to be unnerved by his shit eating grin. He wrapped his finger around of unruly strand of my hair, his eyes following the path of his finger as he pulled it away from my face.

“Are you going to tell me?” I pushed at him playfully.

“If I have to.” Mischievous light danced in his eyes.

My heart skipped a beat. “You’re not exactly inspiring confidence.”

That shook him back to seriousness. “Oh, no. Jesus. I’m laughing because that’s how it should be. Wild abandon, pulling, pushing, biting, tearing, all the good stuff. I’ve been handling you with kid gloves because I knew you needed something else.” The grin was back. “But maybe I was wrong.”

My mouth dropped. “Kid gloves? I wouldn’t exactly call screwing around in a parking lot full of people reserved. If that blanket had come off, we would have ended our, what, second date, in jail. Or your extracurriculars at the office. Should I be worried? Are there cameras in here or something?”

“No, Daisy, that stuff is just fun. Taking the chance gives it that edge. The mind is the most active sexual organ, you know.” He stole a quick kiss. “I mean, we could just have boring prude sex, if that’s what you’d prefer.”

“No.” I wanted Cam to push all my limits. I was becoming addicted to the rush.

He rolled on to his back, his smile huge. “Good. Because I don’t want to have boring prude sex with you, Daisy.” He laughed at his own declaration, propping himself up by his elbow. His hair was wild from sweat and passion, still sticking in the tufts that I’d grabbed in handfuls. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, just watching him watch me whet my passion all over again. But at the same time, I was lost in some spell. I couldn’t move. I could only observe.

“I know no one ever wants to hear about someone’s ex when they’re in bed,” Cam continued, and he had never been more right about anything than he was at that moment. Talk about killing the mood. I raised an eyebrow, skeptical, because he was treading on thin fucking ice. I might like to find adventurous ways to satisfy my Cam cravings, but my ego was made of eggshell. “But Ashley sucked in bed.
Sucked
. Now that I’m with someone who enjoys sex and that isn’t afraid of their body, I feel like a new person.”

Wasn’t afraid of my body? It’s funny sometimes, the difference between what you think and what you project. Sometimes I didn’t even feel naked, instead I felt like I was wearing a fat suit. But Cam thought I owned it. Or maybe he just saw what he wanted to see. This weight, pardon the pun, lifted from me when he said that. Cam thought I was beautiful. For the first time in a long time, I believed him.

And he knew it. He rested his free hand on my cheek, leaning in to kiss me, slowly, nipping at the bottom lip he’d just watched me wet. “Thank you,” he said when he pulled away. “I really needed this.”

“I did too.” I’d had no idea how much.

C
am was still sound asleep when I woke up. I could tell by the way the sun lit up the skylight it was still really early. But I was up. And I felt good. Usually I needed multiple cups of coffee to function like a respectable human being. I took my walk, and I thought about the future the entire way.

I’d never done that before. I’d always been trapped in the past. Let me tell you, the future is a fucking exciting place to let your mind wander to. Nothing’s gone wrong there yet. And if it does, you just change it to what you want it to be. The
choose your own adventure
book otherwise known as life.

Once I got back to the condo, I still didn’t need coffee. I’d planned on going to visit JR today, but there was no point in going too early. Too many other days, he’d been taken away with the doctors, to some deep scary place in the hospital that we weren’t allowed to go with him. They’d blame germs or radiation or something. Whatever they made him go through alone, JR couldn’t tell us yet.

Now that his eyes were starting to open, he looked like Ev.

I knew he was going to have her smile.

I was going to make damn sure he had her spirit and her soul.

Before I headed to the hospital, I went to the bookstore and got some books. Not picture books made for little kids learning to read, because even though JR was destined to be the smartest, funniest, handsomest, and all around best kid ever, he wasn’t even supposed to be born yet. There’s only so long you can talk to yourself before you start to feel a little crazy. Reading to him in the sing song rhythm those books forced wasn’t going to make me feel any saner. Even though I was technically speaking to someone, JR couldn’t respond and he didn’t understand.

“You’re reading him Harry Potter?” Mom found my choice of book amusing when she got to the NICU ward. “You girls loved those books so much.”

“Might as well start him early, right?” I closed the book and stretched. I couldn’t wait to be able to bring JR outside, to have Bree’s boys play with him. Who was I kidding, I just wanted to hold him. Smell him. Give him a real kiss. Babies needed to be touched. The nurses said it would be soon.

I didn’t know how much longer I could be patient.

Instead of going back to the condo, I stopped at The Lonely Heart. Other catastrophes overshadowed our story now, and the reporters were nowhere to be found. Cam was working behind the bar, something I didn’t usually see him do. I climbed up on a stool, not bothering him. The Sox had an early game, so there was a pretty good crowd in the bar. I checked the score and cringed. At home, Dad was probably losing his shit, the season was winding down and every game was important. Cam winked at me while he talked to some other customers. I’d been getting into the book when my mom showed up, it had been a while since I’d read it, so I pulled it out of my purse and went back to reading.

“Want a beer?” Cam startled me when he approached.

That was even a question? “Have we met?”

“Ha.” He put a napkin in front of me. “Bottle or draught?”

“Blueberry,” I looked up over the book. “On tap.”

“Reading instead of baseball, huh?” Apparently he hadn’t seen the score. Cam spilled a little of the beer on the napkin when he put it down, and the glass had way too much foam. Amateur. But he’d earned points back by floating actual blueberries in the beer. “I didn’t think people read actual books anymore.”

My eyes narrowed. “Do they read hypothetical books? Kids these days.”

“You know what I mean.” He smirked. “I thought everyone had one of those machines that was full of dirty books.”

“I don’t need dirty books, mister. I actually do dirty things.” I dog-eared my page and set the book down away from the beer puddle. “So I can be proud to read my books out in the open.”

Cam leaned forward on his arms. A couple sat down next to me. “Enough with the books. Tell me about these dirty things.”

My cheeks burned. The guy next to me had his head buried in his menu, deep in contemplation. Someone hit a home run, and the bar went wild. Still, just to make sure, I stood on the rung of the stool so only Cam could hear me. “I don’t have to. You were there.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing about it.” Heat rolled off him in waves. I sat back down before I got carried away. “I’ll be done in a few minutes. Shauna’s running a little late.”

August was a funny month. You expected it to be blazing hot, but sometimes it would throw you a day that you’d swear was October. Like today. The air felt crisp when we left the restaurant.

Cam laced his fingers between mine. “Have you ever walked out on that rock thing?”

“The jetty?” According to my dad, who was an authority on useless Plymouth historical facts, to give people jobs during the Great Depression, they build a stone walkway that jutted out into the ocean. It might have been a breakwater, because it sheltered a dock, but otherwise, it was just this uneven rock walkway that stopped abruptly. Because it was weird, it was pretty cool. “Not since I was a kid.”

“Let’s do it.” Cam pulled me towards the crosswalk.

Tons of people were out tonight, eating dinner, harassing the seagulls who vied for their leftovers, fishing, or like us, walking the jetty. It was almost impossible to walk side by side, the rocks had warn away unevenly, dipping down or gaping when you least expected it. Long strides were required to go from rock to rock. Cam had to wait for me to catch up more than once.

“Look at that.” I pointed down at one of the rocks. “Someone spray painted Elvis here.”

“You’re right.” Cam did a double take. “And it’s Fat Elvis. That’s not cool.”

“You’d think if they were going to pay respect to The King, it would have been Young Elvis.” Cam shook his head and then took my hand. “Wise men say, only fools rush in...” Cam sang in the deepest voice he could manage and while I turned bright red. “But I can’t help falling in love with you.”

People who passed us on the way back did double takes, they might not have placed the face but they knew the voice. But they just nodded and kept going, not intruding on our moment. I turned back to watch them walk way, they’d already forgotten about their celebrity sighting. Maybe Cam was right. It wasn’t always so bad to be him.

We continued out to the end. “So that’s it.” I shrugged. The wind ripped at our clothes, and I rubbed my arms to keep warm. I wished I had a sweatshirt.

Cam pulled me into his chest and I felt a little warmer. I watched him as he took it all in. “Maybe I should get a boat.”

“Oh yeah?” I’d thought the same thing many times while gazing out at the ocean.

“Yeah. We could just take sail off to that tropical island over there, live off of the coconuts.” He pointed at the land mass off in the distance. “We’ll make you a coconut bra and grass skirt. But clothing is totally optional on Cam Island.”

“There aren’t any coconuts.” I laughed. “And that’s Duxbury.”

“We’ll find a better island, then. Run away with me.” He pulled away and looked down at me. I wasn’t thinking about escape, for once. I was thinking about staying put. About putting down roots. He knew my brain was somewhere else. “What?”

“I’m going to take JR.” My lips spread in a smile. “So I can’t run off.”

“He can come, he’ll just need a little extra sunscreen. He’ll be my first mate.” Cam smiled. The thought of taking care of a baby, Ev’s baby, still made me tear up. “Seriously, I think that’s awesome, Daisy. You’re going to be a—“

“Don’t say it.” I knew how that statement ended. “I’ll lose it.”

“Well, it’s true.” Cam put one finger under my chin and kissed me. When we finished, he shuffled his feet and looked down. “I really hope you’ll let me be a part of his life.”

“You do?” I’d expected him to want to go running for the hills. A girlfriend with bruises and scars on her soul was enough to deal with, but a baby? One that might not even be healthy? I’d hoped that would be his answer, but I still had to prepare myself in case it wasn’t.

“I’ve been thinking about him all the time. Every time you go see him, you come back absolutely glowing. Anyone who makes you that happy, I want to spend time with, because I need to ask him for pointers.”

“Of course.” I could barely get the words out.

“Evey was a good friend to me when a lot of people turned their backs. I’ll never forget that. Your parents are great people, Bree is fantastic, and you know, I think you’re alright.” He grinned.

“Thanks.” I pushed at his chest. “I don’t know how it’s all going to work yet, logistically—“

“We can make the second bedroom into a nursery,” Cam stopped, maybe worried he’d overstepped his bounds. “If that’s what you want to do.”

He wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to be in JR’s life. “You mean it?”

“I mean it. I don’t know what’s going on with Roger, and I’m not trying to take his place. But that little guy, I’ve got a good feeling about him.”

I had a good feeling, too.