Secondhand Heart (30 page)

T
oday was a day we’d always planned to celebrate. We’d had it marked on the calendar for months, ordered flowers, bought fancy clothes, and had even hired a taco truck.

Ev’s wedding day.

After a lot of soul searching, crying, and reminiscing about Ev, we decided to keep all of it. Ev couldn’t physically be here with us, but she was here in spirit. Since everyone had already committed to the day, we held a memorial for Ev and a shower for JR. It had seemed like such a good idea when we planned it, but now the day was here, I couldn’t face the crowd.

We’d made a mistake. This was wrong. Disrespectful. I felt like a fraud as the guest of honor. JR couldn’t make it to his own party. And neither could Ev.

I sat on the floor on my bedroom, bawling. A cardboard box laid open in front of me, the sequins on Ev’s wedding dress fractured the light like tiny kaleidoscopes.

“Come on, Dee. Everyone’s asking where you are.” Bree came upstairs with two margarita glasses. She handed one to me, and emptied hers. I didn’t blame her. If I thought being drunk would make me numb, I’d do it. But sometimes alcohol had the opposite effect.

“Did you tell them?” I wiped my face with the back of my hand, surely smearing makeup everywhere. “And I thought you didn’t drink in front of the boys.”

“Not unless I have to. And Josh is keeping an eye on them.” The Head Start guy. She got one to stick around. And he was a good one. She crouched down beside me. “It’s a beautiful dress, isn’t it? Maybe we could do something with it. It’s too pretty to just sit in this box.”

“What would we do with it?” Even though I agreed, I was so afraid we’d ruin it.

Bree reached out and touched the lace. I resisted the urge to slap her hand away. Her fingers had to be sticky, between the drink and her boys. “Maybe we could have someone make a christening gown for JR.”

My breath caught in my throat. “That’s a great idea.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to officially be a mom tomorrow.” Bree hugged me. “You’re going—“

“Don’t say it.” I laughed, because if I didn’t I’d be a blubbering mess all over again.

“It’s true. I’m so excited for you, Daisy. You’re like the phoenix. You know, the bird that rises from the ashes? You came home after Jordan died, it was like you were just waiting to die so you could be with him. It was killing all of us, but we didn’t know what to do to make it better. Thank God Ev made you go meet with Cam.” Now Bree was crying. “I miss her so much.”

“Me, too.” I held Bree while she cried. “I wish it was really her wedding day.”

“We’d still be sitting up here, getting drunk and crying.” Bree sat up and took a deep breath. “Because that’s how we roll. We should go downstairs though. Everyone’s worried about you. When is Cam getting here?”

“Any time now.” I didn’t understand why he had to go to work today, he should’ve had this day off all along. He insisted there was a meeting that he couldn’t miss.

We’d been working like crazy at the condo. JR was coming home any day now, maybe even tomorrow, and we were technically ready: stocked and decorated, Dad had come down and helped me paint the room with a Fenway mural.

But I was so scared. I was going to be responsible for someone who depended on me for everything. Some days, I didn’t feel like I could even take care of myself. Was
I
ready for this? There was only one way to find out.

“Daisy!” Lucas jumped on me as soon as I came outside. He was covered in cinnamon and powdered sugar. He pushed the remains of his churro into my face. I had to turn my head to make sure it didn’t actually make it in my mouth. Lucas had no concept of the five second rule, and there was no telling where that thing had been. “Have some churros.”

“No thank you, dollface.” I kissed him and smoothed my dress. Bree led me over to the head table. Even though everyone here was family, I still freaked out over the crowd. Everyone was going to want to talk to me, to say something they thought would make me feel better.

Josh, Bree’s new guy, sat down beside me after my aunt and our neighbor walked away. Bree fell into his lap, giggling. “Isn’t he hot?” she asked me and Josh turned red.

“Yup.” What do you say to that? Really, she was my best friend but it was still totally awkward.

“Your dad’s quite the sports fan.” Josh steered the conversation back to something less embarrassing. “I couldn’t hang. He’s the real deal.”

“You didn’t tell him you like the Yankees, right?” Bree’s eyes grew wide. “I told you not to. Now you get it.”

“He didn’t, I can tell. If he did, he’d be across the street, eating his tacos alone.” I looked for my parents, I’d lost them in the crowd. A circle of men had gathered near the taco truck. What a bunch of cavemen. Circling the meat wagon and talking about sports.

“We need to stop talking about it before anyone overhears us.” Bree looked around to make sure we hadn’t caught anyone’s attention.

“Have you seen my mom?” I asked. I couldn’t find her anywhere.

“Come to think of it, no.” Bree looked confused. “Would she have gone to the store or anything?”

“What could we possibly need? I mean, we have a taco truck.”

“The boys killed the churro arrangement.” Josh pointed out. “Maybe more dessert?”

“Who’s really going to care about dessert when there’s a margarita bar? I’ve seen this crowd party. They can’t hold their liquor.”

Josh’s eyes widened. “Is there going to be a brawl or something?”

“Hardly. They’ll all be asleep with their mouths open, drooling, before it’s even dark. Aren’t you glad you came?” I couldn’t believe I actually liked one of Bree’s boyfriends, for the first time ever. Just that we let her bring him over was a big deal. Most of them were such embarrassing scumbags we couldn’t let them mingle with our family. This one looked at her like she deserved to be looked at. He was smart, funny, and he was hot. Even if he was a Yankees fan.

I jumped when someone put their hands on my shoulders. That someone leaned down and kissed the top of my head. Thankfully, it was Cam. I reached up and pulled his head down so my lips could reach his. Even in this awkward position I managed to kick Bree for oohing and ahhing.

“Can you help me get something out of the car?” I’d never seen Cam smile like he was right now. Maybe it was because he was technically upside down, and I was on my second margarita. But I was pretty sure he was beaming.

“Sure.” I was skeptical. “What?”

Cam thought about it for a minute, he was up to something. “It’s a surprise.”

“Is it a good surprise?”

“You’ll have to come and find out.” He pulled on my arm. “Don’t you want to see what it is?”

“I do.” Bree stood up. “I’ll go.”

I pulled my arm back. “Bree can be my representative.”

“You’re no fun, you know that?” Cam took the empty seat next to me, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

“I’m plenty of fun.” I raised my eyebrow. “You’re the one who’s being all secretive.”

“Tell me what it is.” Bree insisted. She leaned forward so Cam could whisper in her ear. Her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped. “Daisy, go with him. Trust me.”

“We need to open presents soon and stuff.” I feigned stubbornness but now I was dying to know what was going on. Although I knew if I gave it a minute or two, Bree would spill it. “And where is my mother?” This was just getting weird.

“Daisy, go with Cam!” Bree pulled on my arm, just like Cam had done. I stood up and she staggered backwards. “But can I come too? I want to see the look on your face.”

“Fine!” I let each of them take a hand and lead me around the house. When we got to the front yard, Cam stopped and put his hands over my eyes. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Keep walking,” he instructed. “Bree will lead you.”

“Worst advice ever. She’ll lead me right into traffic.”

Bree slapped me and laughed. “She’s right.”

Cam and Bree stopped me, but he didn’t uncover my eyes and she didn’t let my hand go. Instead, she squeezed it tighter and I could feel her bouncing up and down with excitement. I knew what she was doing because she did it every time she got worked up about something. My heart threatened to break my ribcage. I had no idea what I was going to see.

“I love you,” Cam said, hands still over my eyes.

“If you really loved me, you’d stop torturing me.” I tried to pull his hands away.

“Okay.” He took his hands away. We were standing in front of Roger’s car, he sat in the driver’s seat. “Look inside.”

Mom sat in the back, her arm around a car seat. I leaned forward, blinking to make sure I really saw what I thought I saw.

JR.

“Oh my God.” I looked back at Cam in disbelief, and then let go of him to go over to the other side of the car, the side with the car seat. I opened the door. “Hey, baby.”

JR’s head, still heavy for his little body, rolled in my direction at the sound of my voice, or maybe because the door opened and he’d never seen that before. Everything he was seeing right now was for the first time. How fucking exciting was that? He’d never even been outside the hospital. He looked up at me and I swear he smiled. A fireworks display went off in my chest. I didn’t know it was possible to love anyone as much as I did this baby. How was I ever going to manage taking care of him when I was so in awe of every move he made?

“Do you need help unbuckling him?” Mom asked. I held my hands up at my chest, not sure what I should do.

“Yeah.” I was shaking. “Is he home for good?” I mean, he had to be, right? They wouldn’t just have him leave the hospital on a joy ride. Did Mom, Cam and Roger break him out?

How the hell did they manage to keep this a secret?

Today was the first day Cam got to meet him. I was a little sad that I missed that moment, but this, this was just unreal.

“Watch how I do this, get Cam over here, too, because the next time he gets unbuckled, he’ll be going home with you,” Mom instructed. I hoped Cam could pay better attention than I was right now. Ever since Mom had talked to me about taking care of JR, the M word still made me break down, I’d been dreaming of this moment. And it was here.

JR wriggled in his seat, freed from the restraints. “Pick him up, Daisy,” Bree said softly. She and Cam stood so close behind me I could feel them moving. I reached forward, JR’s body still felt so tiny and delicate in my hands. I’d held him a couple times at the hospital, and that had been epic, but this was different.

He rested his head on my shoulder, his little fist reaching for my hair. I rocked him back and forth, tears streaming down my cheeks, not knowing what to do next.

“He’s so beautiful,” Bree cooed. “I can’t believe how much he looks like Ev.” I looked up at Roger, who’d gotten out of the car to stand beside us. He blinked rapidly, fighting the tears that would eventually win out.

“I know.” He smelled so good, that fresh, clean baby smell. I could get high off of it.

“Should we bring him out back to meet the family?” Mom asked. She held a red and blue baby blanket covered in baseballs.

Cam put his arm around my waist. “You ready?”

It’s funny how when what you fear most is losing people that you love, you push new people way. If you don’t care about them, you can’t lose them. Kind of the opposite of nothing ventured, nothing gained. It’s this coping mechanism your brain comes up with when it can’t take any more pain.

No one told my brain that letting those people in was exactly what it needed to heal.

“Yeah.” I ran my finger along the cuff of JR’s knit hat, pushing it up so he didn’t miss a thing. “I am.”

I’
d filled one of the bottom kitchen cabinets with Tupperware containers, and a bucket full of spoons. JR loved to crawl into the kitchen, pull out everything he could reach, and bang on it. Cam joked that he was his own one-man band.

We had a ritual around meal times now. JR’d crawl in behind me, and I’d sit on the floor and play with him before dinner, helping him set up his drum set or some days we’d build a Tupperware fortress that he’d knock down in a fit of laughter. It was the best sound in the whole world. He’d throw his little bald head back, only traces of blonde hair had started to form, and his four little baby teeth would glimmer in the overhead light.

I was head over heels in love with this kid. He had no idea how he made my heart swell. And thrive. I’d forgotten what pure, simple happiness actually was before I sat on the floor and played with my baby.

I was almost comfortable thinking of him as mine.

Behind me, I heard the door open and shut. I opened my eyes wide, stopped everything I was doing, and gasped. “Who’s that?” I asked JR.

His expression mirrored mine. “Cam-my!” He clapped his hands together. “Cam-my!” He repeated, louder this time.

“Hey, buddy!” Cam scooped down, JR’s arms were stretched out as soon as Cam came into the kitchen. He gave him at least a dozen kisses, then flipped him backwards and raspberried his bare back, sending JR into a fit of laughter. For good measure, he did it again.

Cam sank to his knees beside me, with JR still stretched outright in his arms. He made airplane noises on the way down, and JR tried to do the same, but he just wound up spitting all over himself. Cam kissed me on the cheek. “Hey, you.”