Secrets (21 page)

Her imagination carried her off to some illusory world where she lived without any complicated secrets. In that world, she easily fell into Kyle’s embrace. She eagerly trusted him with her heart, her lips, her self.

Bright lights shone in her side mirror, momentarily blinding Jessica and bringing her out of the fantasy realm and back to the real, cold, wet world. The truck behind her barreled right up on her bumper, shining its headlights at her relentlessly.

“Go around me, buddy,” she muttered. “Get off my tail!”

The rattletrap truck pulled out and around Jessica, then slowed down in front of her, wedging a greater distance between her and the van.

“Now go around the van, you crazy driver!”

But the truck didn’t obey her commands. The driver seemed pleased to slow down to a rather comfortable pace of thirty-five miles an hour and visually block her off from Kyle. Now it was Jessica’s turn to flash her brights, not only at the stubborn truck in front of her, but also with the hope that Kyle would see and pull over as he had promised. The truck ahead of her didn’t respond.

Even though she couldn’t see the van, she noticed there were virtually no turnouts along the road. Kyle was unlikely to turn off this main road.

For several miles Jessica followed close behind the belligerent truck, occasionally catching a whiff of its rancid petroleum
fumes. She tried to pass the truck a couple of times. But she always changed her mind at the last minute, not willing to risk it with only one headlight and a pitch black road ahead of her filled with unseen potholes. After a while, Jessica gave up and fell into line behind the truck. She concluded that he must be going to the border as well, and she would reconnect with Kyle when he could pull the van off to the side.

Then another pair of headlights shone in her mirror. This car didn’t seem to want to go around her; rather, it seemed content to sit on her tail and drive with its high beams on. Jessica adjusted her posture so the bright lights wouldn’t hit right in her eyes. For the next twenty minutes Jessica drove with both eyes on the road immediately in front of her, dodging holes, and trying not to let the windshield wipers hypnotize her.

All of a sudden the truck in front veered to the right. Jessica followed it and drove a short distance before realizing that the truck had left the main road. The road they were on had turned into bumpy gravel. Jessica came to a stop. Nothing was around her in the darkness but soybean fields. She inched the truck forward, looking for another gravel road or a place wide enough to turn around. The rattling old truck she had followed was long gone, and no cars, homes, or lights of any kind were visible for as far as she could see.

“Okay,” she coached herself. “Just turn around and go back. Find a wide enough spot. Over here! This looks promising.”

Jessica slowly made a loop in the gravel and edged the front tires onto the muddy bean field. “Slow and steady now. Keep going, keep going. Don’t stop—”

Too late. When the back tires hit the mud, they lost all traction and spun wildly as Jessica frantically revved the engine. Her front right tire and both back tires appeared to be in the mud. Only the front left tire remained on the gravel road. Now
she was scared. The rain was pelting against the windshield like mushy peas, and it felt as if the back of the truck was sinking rapidly into the soft earth.

Jessica sat for several minutes, trying not to panic. All around her outside was nothing but liquid blackness. She checked both doors to make sure they were locked. Certainly Kyle saw her turn off. He would be here any minute, and the van could pull her out of the mud. She would tell him to drive slower the rest of the way so she could keep up with him. And he would squeeze her elbow or touch her cheek again and tell her he was sorry. Jessica had it all worked out in her mind. She sat alone with her “Kyle to the rescue” scenario to keep her company.

She waited. The rain splattered against her windshield. The truck slowly tilted to the right as it inched its way deeper into the mud. An hour passed and Kyle never came.

Now she was mad.
Why did he have to drive so fast? Why did that stupid truck cut me off? How did I miss the road? Why is this happening to me, God? Don’t you care about what happens to me? Is this your idea of a good time—watching me sweat like this? I don’t think it’s very funny
.

Jessica realized she was talking to God as if he could hear her. True, she was yelling at him in her head, but she was addressing him differently than she ever had before. After being around these “believers,” as Teri called them, and sitting through the evening’s church service, Jessica’s opinion of God was beginning to change.

“Okay,” she said aloud, attempting to pray. “You’ve got me cornered, God. You have my full attention. What do you want?”

For some reason, the image that came to mind was of Kyle and Cristobal holding their Bibles over their heads when they prayed. What was it Teri had said? To show they were under God’s authority.

That concept hit at Jessica’s core. She refused to put herself under anyone’s authority. Her philosophy of life centered around being in control of herself, her circumstances, and the way she allowed other people to treat her. Yet, in the solitude of this very dark night, she had control over nothing.

Jessica felt weak, utterly at a loss as to how to hold together the frayed threads of her life. She felt that intense longing well up inside her, that yearning for someone, that passion to be restored, reunited. Only now, for the first time, she realized she wasn’t longing for her mother. Or for Kyle or any other human. She thirsted for God.

The realization disturbed her. To somehow be connected with God, to be under his control and authority, to surrender—it wasn’t “her.” But it was what she longed for. It struck her as a strange bargain. Her life, failures and all, in exchange for God’s favor.

“But you’re so perfect,” she argued aloud with God. “You have everything. Why would you want me?” She knew the answer. She had known it since she left L.A. Even if a father has absolutely everything, he still wants to be on harmonious terms with his daughter. Before Jessica realized what she was doing, she began to cry. “I’m sorry,” she whispered into the unseen ear of her heavenly Father. “I’m sorry. Forgive me. If you really want me, you can have me. I want to know you. I surrender.” She sobbed softly and whispered again, “I surrender to you, God.”

Jessica heard the sound of a car engine coming down the road.
I’m saved!
she thought jubilantly, peering into the darkness. But only darkness was in front of the truck. Then she caught a glimmer of a headlight in the side mirror, and she froze.

That can’t be Kyle. He would come from the other direction. What if it’s…
She didn’t want to think of the possibilities. A
deserted road in the middle of the night was no place for a woman to be under the best of circumstances. Sitting alone in a disabled truck in the middle of Mexico was the worst she could imagine.

The vehicle stopped behind her. She could hear loud men’s voices as they approached the truck. One of them laughed the clumsy guffaw of a drunkard.

Jessica knew the doors were locked. Still, she felt like a sitting duck. The men stopped at the back of the U-Haul and tried the door. It rattled but didn’t open. She knew they would be coming to the front any second now! With no time to lose, Jessica slid to the floor on the passenger side of the truck and covered herself with the pile of sleeping bags from the seat. She lay frozen in one position, barely allowing herself to breathe. Terrified, she listened in the darkness. Someone tried the door handle on the driver’s side, found it locked and kept rattling it. Someone else did the same on the passenger’s side. Jessica felt as if her heart would beat right out of her chest and knock the sleeping bags off the top of her. She imagined the men looking inside, trying to decide if it was worth the effort to break the window.

Just then one of them called from the back of the truck. With her back pressed against the floor, Jessica could feel the vibration of the back door being rolled open, exposing all their luggage and Kyle’s expensive camping gear. The men by the front windows abandoned their quest and joined the others at the back of the truck. From the hoots and hollers, Jessica could picture them looting the back of the truck, taking as much as they could as fast as they could.

She stayed frozen in her twisted position on the floor, praying they wouldn’t break open the front windows and steal her camouflage. Then she heard it, the sound of their vehicle’s motor starting up and rumbling past her down the dirt road.
Jessica swallowed great gulps of air trying to calm down and convince herself she was now safe. They were gone.

For the next five minutes or so, she remained paralyzed in her hiding place, not daring to pop up her head. She imagined a twisted face pressed against the window staring in at her. Not one of Bill’s “squashed bug” imitation faces, but a man’s drunken face.

Oh, God! Where are you? Save me! Protect me!

An inexplicable peace began to come over Jessica. Her heart rate returned to normal, and she felt almost comfortable, tucked in her little hiding place. It occurred to her that she was indeed safe. Nothing had happened to her. God had protected her. It made her think of some of the other “coincidences” that had occurred in the past few weeks: Kyle being there when the accident happened; the zucchini from her garden; the groceries on her doorstep, with DoveBars included. And now, the covering of the sleeping bags that had been tossed into the front seat so haphazardly.

Before this trip Jessica might have written those circumstances off as “fate.” Now she felt differently. In these past few days, God had become real to her, and she desired a relationship with him. Jessica thought about those “pockets of grace” Teri spoke of the day the groceries appeared. Nestled among the thick sleeping bags, Jessica felt as if she had fallen literally into one of those pockets of grace. Closing her eyes, she slept.

Forty minutes or so passed. Yet her sleep felt as if it had lasted hours, long enough to give her a second wind and the mental strength to think through what she should do next. Crawling from her little pocket, Jessica looked out both windows. No twisted faces awaited her. She reviewed the situation. Their goods had been pillaged from the back of the truck, but hopefully, the others would see that those were only things, things that could be replaced. She could leave the truck and try
walking to the main road, but it was just past midnight and inky black outside. There was also the mud and rain to consider. At least she was dry and fairly protected in the locked cab of the truck. The best she could do was sit and wait. And pray.

“God,” she spoke into the stillness, “thank you.” Jessica paused and then started to laugh at herself for speaking to someone who was invisible. “I hope you understand this is all new to me.” Jessica shifted her position on the cab bench seat. “Obviously you do, since you know everything. I just don’t want to ever lose this feeling, this awareness of you.”

For quite some time Jessica sat peacefully, taking inventory of her life. Things were still complicated. Very complicated. Every so often a fearful thought flickered across her mind. What if the men came back for the rest of the loot? Would the “banditos” break her windows the next time? How long would it take before Kyle noticed she wasn’t behind him? When would he turn around and come back? Would he be able to find her on this desolate dirt road?

Suddenly, headlights shone through the driving rain down the road in front of her. Jessica’s first impulse was to jump out of the car and flag down the driver. Then she realized it could be the thieves returning. Would her hiding place keep her safe a second time?

Jessica dropped to the floor and covered herself with sleeping bags. Her heart began to beat frantically. She felt overwhelmed with as much fear as she had experienced the first time, if not more, because now she knew the chances were greater they would come after the sleeping bags. She couldn’t pray. She couldn’t think. For a moment she felt she couldn’t even breathe.

The vehicle stopped. A car door slammed. The noise of the rain on the roof and hood of the truck masked the sound of the voices that had been so boisterous the last time. Jessica pressed
her quivering lips together as the handle of the driver’s door rattled. It rattled some more, and then Jessica’s heart stopped. They had managed to open the door!

T
he door of the cab opened slowly. There were no sounds. No movement. No voices. Had they seen her? Jessica felt her whole body shake. She closed her eyes and begged God to save her.

“Jess? Jessica? Are you in here?”

“Kyle?”

“Where are you?”

Jessica forced her paralyzed fists to open and push away the sleeping bags. “Down here. I’m down here.” She crawled out of her pocket and up onto the seat where Kyle was leaning over, reaching out a strong hand to help her up.

“Are you okay?”

Jessica let Kyle pull her all the way up. She impulsively threw her arms around his neck and began to sob.