Secrets (22 page)

I wish he'd ease up on Gabby. He's so hard on her.

Sometimes I think he's half in love with her. It was very perceptive of him, but Jane looked shocked.

With Gabby? He's so awful to her.

Just like a little kid. Have you ever watched a nine-year-old taken with a girl? He'll go right up and punch her in the gut, and then go away pleased with himself, as though he's said something really important to her, and he has.

Jane laughed at the imagery. It certainly sounds like Bill. Think he'll grow up?

He might.

She's such a nice girl.

So are you. He stood up then with a yawn and gave her a warm hug, and a few minutes later he was gone, leaving Jane wondering if he was ever going to start anything with her. Alyssa had been right. She liked him very much ' maybe even more than that ' not just his striking good looks ' but what was inside. That was the real beauty of Zack, the man he was inside. He was a very, very special man. And Jane suddenly realized she was falling in love with him.

The last two weeks of shooting seemed to fly. Everyone got along well, and the scripts flowed easily. Each scene seemed better than the last, and the words cut and print were heavy in the air. On the last day of their location shoot, everyone gave a cheer, and Mel invited Sabina and Zack and Jane and Gabby and Bill to 21 that night to celebrate. They had a week's break ahead of them when they got back to L.A. before they started shooting again, this time in the studio. And Jane said she had to look for a new house. Her time was up at the one she had shared with Jack and she was going to look in Beverly Hills. Bill thought he might go skiing with friends, Gabby said she just wanted to get warm again and Sabina said she had to go to San Francisco for a few days. They had a wonderful time, and the next day everyone was quiet on the flight home as they all thought of what was waiting for them. Zack sat next to Jane, and Sabina and Mel, and Gabby and Bill carefully chose seats at opposite ends of the plane. They no longer spoke to each other, except during scenes, the rest of the time they avoided each other like the plague.

And back in Los Angeles it was business as usual. There was a lot of editing to do, Mel had a dozen meetings lined up, Sabina quietly disappeared, Bill left to ski, promising not to let his face get tan and screw up the continuity when he came back to work. And Jane found a new house in Bel Air she was crazy about. It was small, but large enough for her and the kids. It had a pretty little pool and a tall gate for privacy. It barely hurt to move out of her old house, and this time she stayed clear of Jack, and Gabby kept her company while she packed. But Jack never showed up anyway. The girls said he had a girl friend who worked for him, they weren't too fond of her and she was very young, twenty-one or twenty-two, and according to them she had big boobs and no brains. Jane thought to herself that that would suit him perfectly, and for a minute, she felt sorry for the girl, and then she decided to hell with it.

She moved into the new house as soon as the papers were signed, and they were already back to work by then. Everyone looked happy and relaxed, even Bill, although he had looked high and low for Sandy when he got back, and no one had any idea where she was. But he was anxious to find her now. He wanted to see her into safe port and then get divorced quietly somehow. He just prayed he'd get away with it, without anyone finding out. But there as no sign of her anyway, although he had left messages for her everywhere. And he had gone to Mike's Bar as soon as he got back. It was fun seeing the old faces, especially now that he was doing well.

They started back to work on February fourth, and on the first of March, Jane's divorce papers came. She was on the set, quietly reading some lines that had just been changed, when someone dropped an envelope in her lap that had come that afternoon. She opened it. And that was it. It was over. She was divorced. Twenty years down the tubes. And in spite of herself, she started to cry, and everyone walked quietly away, except Zack, who came over to see what was wrong. She blew her nose and handed the papers to him.

I know ' it's stupid of me to cry ' and he was such a jerk ' it's just that ' I don't know ' it's like saying that half of your life has been wasted. She was almost forty years old and suddenly she felt it.

Come on, he held out a hand. Are you in any more scenes today? She shook her head and blew her nose again. Let's go get something to eat. I know a terrible bar where they make great hamburgers. She hesitated and then stood up.

I'll take my makeup off and be right out. He was waiting for her in clean jeans and a starched white shirt, Docksides and no socks, when she emerged in a pink jogging suit and her hair pulled back in a rubber band. They looked like two ordinary folk, as they got in his car and left the lot. She had left the papers in her dressing room. They looked so ugly to her and it all reminded her of Jack. She was grateful to be with Zachary. She didn't want to be alone. And she laughed when she saw Mike's Bar. It was terrible, and dark, and smelled of beer, but the people inside all looked young and healthy and clean and she realized that most of them were probably actors, and Zack was right. The hamburgers were as good as he had promised.

They had just finished eating, and Zack was sipping his beer when he noticed Bill Warwick sitting in the far corner with a girl. He hadn't been in any of the scenes that day and he hadn't been on the set, and Jane suddenly looked over at him too, and they both saw the look of pain in his eyes. He was with a girl who looked as though she were desperately sick. She was rail thin and had dark, matted hair. She was dressed in what seemed to be almost rags, and they saw him shaking his head, near tears, and then finally hand some money to her, and Jane turned away, feeling as though she had seen something she shouldn't have. He looked so grief-stricken and so distraught, and he hurried out as soon as she left, without noticing Zack and Jane where they were sitting.

My God, who do you suppose that was? Jane looked sad for him. It was obvious that he cared about the girl.

I don't know, but no wonder he's depressed most of the time. They sat in silence after that and then went back to Jane's new house in Bel Air, but she was thinking about Bill and the girl. There was something so haunting about her. And she looked a little bit like Gabrielle. But Gabby was so healthy and radiant and strong. This girl looked as though she were half dead. She looks as though she's on drugs, Zack said quietly, and Jane suspected he was right, and she was sorry for both of them.

Want to go for a swim? she asked him.

I didn't bring a suit and I'd look pretty funny in one of yours. He grinned.

I won't look if you want to skinny-dip. She was so comfortable with him she didn't mind.

I can't promise the same. But he had always been a perfect gentleman with her. Recently, she'd been almost sorry about it. But I'll do my best. She poured them both a glass of wine, and she handed him a white terry cloth robe, and they both went to change, and she felt both exhilarated and depressed at the same time. Depressed over what she'd seen of Bill's personal life, and she hoped it wasn't serious between him and that girl ' and depressed about her divorce papers coming in ' and exhilarated to be with Zack. She was always so happy when she was with him. There was something very special about their relationship.

They both came back to the pool in a few minutes, dressed in identical terry cloth robes, and she turned her back discreetly as he got in, and he swam away as she climbed down the steps, her resplendent body more beautiful than ever in the evening light, and a moment later she was in the pool, and swimming to his side. The water felt wonderful on her skin, and he dove underwater and swam away, and soon they were playing tag, and laughing like kids, forgetting their nakedness, until they stepped out of the pool, and Jane suddenly decided what the hell. She reached for the robe unselfconsciously and put it on and saw that he was watching her soberly.

You're beautiful, Jane.

Thank you. She turned away and he got out and put the other robe on, and they went back inside and finished their wine, sitting in her partially furnished living room with its beautiful view. It was a magical night, and Jane drank more than she normally would have. She was so comfortable with him and it had been a difficult day, and it seemed perfectly natural when he leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips, but he did nothing more than that. And then he kissed her again, and she felt her whole body long for his touch, and she moved closer to him, and gently touched his chest, not sure what to say to him. She felt totally free and at ease, and the girls were spending the week with Jack, so she didn't have to worry about them coming home and walking in on them. She hadn't slept with anyone in seven months, and she was suddenly desperately hungry for Zack, sitting beside her.

You're so beautiful. He gently parted her robe, as though to appreciate her, and she closed her eyes with a look of desire, and then opened them again.

I want you so much' . It was almost easy to say the words to him, and then suddenly he turned away. He put down his glass and stood up and walked toward the view, he stood there for a long time as she watched, knowing something was wrong, but not sure what. What is it, Zack? She wondered if it was something she had said, or done, or if she had been too forward with him. I didn't mean to '

He was quick to turn around at the pain in her voice. But the pain in his eyes was far greater. It's nothing you did ' don't ever think that ' on the contrary ' you've almost changed my life ' almost ' but not quite.

Why would you want to change anything? She was confused, and he knew he had to be honest with her.

Because I haven't slept with a woman in more than twenty years ' twenty-five to be exact ' that's a long time, Jane' .

Yes, it is. She looked very gently at him, and he came back to sit next to her, with a sigh, his whole body seeming to sag, with regret and relief, and the need to unburden himself to her. I went to boarding school when I was very young ' fourteen to be exact ' one of the very best schools ' and it was kind of a joke then ' a lot of the boys played around with each other, everyone did it.' I never did. It never appealed to me ' until the new English teacher came. He was tall and beautiful and blond ' kind of like Bill, and about the same age. And he wanted me to be his special friend.' He took me fishing with him, shared books with me, took me on camping trips. I admired him ' too much ' and on the second camping trip, he climbed into my sleeping bag, and told me how much he cared about me, how special I was to him, and he made love to me' . I was fourteen years old. And I didn't know what to do. Who to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway. Everyone was crazy about him. And he was related to the headmaster somehow. When my parents came, I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything for two years until he left, and I swore to myself I'd never do anything like it again. I knew it was wrong, no matter how much I admired him. Jane watched him with wide eyes, but there was no condemnation there, only sorrow for the boy he had been thirty years before.

When I went to college, I fell in love with a beautiful girl, we even got engaged when I was twenty-two. She was wonderful, and she was going to be an actress too. We were going to have the perfect life, and four kids ' until she met someone else. And I was devastated. We were both too young. And there was no one else after that ' until my first goddam film. I wanted it desperately, and the director was a real son of a bitch. I was twenty-three years old, and he got me roaring drunk. And the next morning I woke up in his bed. He had even had one of his little pals take pictures of it, me passed out cold and he ' you can imagine the rest. He threatened to blackmail me if I didn't go on sleeping with him. So I did ' and I guess I felt the die was cast after that. He hung on to me for almost a year, and by then it was too late. I was terrified someone would find out. I didn't sleep with anyone for two years after that, and then I met a nice man who was twice my age. I got involved with him, and he was extremely discreet. No one ever knew. And there was only one other man after that ' it ended a number of years ago, and we're still friends. I've always been terrified someone would find out. That would do a lot for my image, wouldn't it? There were tears rolling down his cheeks when he looked at her again and she gently wiped them away. The crazy thing is that I never wanted another woman after Kimberly ' until I met you ' and then I thought everything might change ' but I can't ' I can't go back ' and I don't want the gay scene anymore either. But I don't want to drag you into all that. What if I fell in love with another man ' next year? In ten years? Then what? You're devastated all over again? You've had enough pain in your life without me.

She was crying too. I love you, Zack. She loved his pain and his honesty, along with the rest of him. I don't care about all that. I'm sorry it happened to you ' I'm so sorry' Her voice broke on a sob and he held her close, and kissed her again.

I care though. I care for both of us.

Shhh ' She kissed him and he held her close for a long time, and when she looked up at him again, it was dark outside. Stay here tonight. It was a whisper in the darkened living room.

I can't.

Why not?

It wouldn't be fair. I don't want to make love with you.

Just hold me then ' don't leave me alone ' I need you too much' . The funny thing was that he needed her too, more than he knew how to say, more than he wanted to admit. They lay side by side on the couch, until she fell asleep, exhausted by the emotions of the day. And he lay in the dark, looking at her, holding her close, and he felt a stirring he hadn't felt in more than twenty years reach up from deep in his soul. But he didn't do anything. He just lay there next to her, crying for the past, and the boy he had been, and desperately wanting her.