Secrets Behind Those Eyes (27 page)

Me: $ wiiill u ck on Jker?
(Will you check on

Joker?)

Cash: R u
drunk?

Me: no, pplease (No,
please)

Cash: U sure ur
ok?

Me: Yup

Cash: k

I try to force myself up, but I can’t.
It’s like I’m dead weight. My body feels dirty, violated, and I
have to wash him off me. As I’m trying to figure out how to move, I
hear the front door close. Oh God, no. Please don’t let it be
Dylan. I start praying to God.

Lord, PLEASE protect me.
Keep me safe and forgive him. Amen

“
Charley!” Then there is a pause. “Char!” I hear Cash
calling.
Oh shit, he’s going to
have a come apart! What am I going to do?
I look around the room to grab my clothes, but it’s no
use.

I can hear him coming up the stairs.
He knocks on my door as he walks in. That is a habit for us, along
with no secrets.

“
Char, Joker’s fine. Whoa!
What the fuck happened here?” His eyes roam the scene in front of
him, taking in my ruffled bedspread and the position I’m lying
in.

I swallow hard trying to get the words
to come out, but it’s not working. Single tears begin to stream
down my face.

“
I want the whole truth,
and if that asshole did this, I’m going to make him pay,” Cash
growls. He is full of both rage and concern at the same
time.

He stands there with his eyes wide
open, and I can tell he is ready to go ape shit on someone. Someone
named Dylan.

“
Cash, please. I don’t
know what happened. I was fine one minute and the next I was past
drunk.”

“
Did he hurt you?” he asks
as he approaches my bed.

All I can do is shake my head yes as
the tears begin to fall faster. He sits on my bed and pulls me into
his side. I know that Cash is ready to leave me and kill Dylan. I
have to do something.

“
Please,
Cash, don’t do anything.
I’m begging you. I told him no, but he didn’t care. I just need you
to help me, Cash! I can’t move, and I have got to get what’s left
of him off me. You have to help
me
!”

I can see the struggle in Cash’s eyes.
“You know I want to walk down those stairs, out of the house, find
him and rip his balls off? You better be glad I love you so
much.”

Cash carries me to the bathroom and
sits me on the toilet while he turns on the water and cleans me
from head to toe. You would think that I wouldn’t be able to have
another guy touch me, but it’s different with Cash. He knows me,
and I have trusted him since I was four years old.

When I’m clean, he helps me out of the
tub and wraps me in a towel. He dresses me in my favorite pajamas,
brushes my hair and carries me to my room. As he places me on the
vanity chair, tears begin to fall again.

“
I
can’t sleep here, Cash. Not after that.
Please
, take me to the
club.”

The club was our place. When we were
five, our dads built us a clubhouse. It was made of wood and tin.
It had a window overlooking the pond we fished. We practically
lived there. As we got older, we made it more of a hangout with all
the modern technologies, a futon, fridge, and electricity. Now, we
use it to escape the cards we are dealt in life.

“
You got it.”

He scoops me into his perfectly
chiseled arms built from working endless days on the farm and
places me in the cab of his truck. He drives to the back of the
field. Cash carries me up the ladder, turns on the lantern, lays me
on the couch and wraps me in his arms. I feel safe and loved as my
world is falling down around me.

From that day forward I kept everyone
but Cash at bay. I put up a front like the Great Wall of China by
continuing to hang out with my friends and acting normal, but I
wasn’t. Inside I was crumbling into pieces. I never spoke to Dylan
again. In fact, I distanced myself the only way possible. I quit
the team, buried my secret and held on to Cash like he was my
lifeline.

****************

Christmas Break
2012

“
Seriously, Char! I just
don’t know what to do with you anymore. Can’t you just get over
that douche bag?”

“
Cash, I’m sorry. I’ve
tried. He hurt me, yes, but I just don’t know how to move on from
everything that happened.”

“
Hurt you
is an understatement! He
took total advantage of you and left you there alone. If you hadn’t
sent me to check on that damn goat, who knows what would have
happened to you?”

We sit in complete silence for what
feels like days. Finally, I decide to speak as my eyes begin to
fill with tears.

“
Cash, you have been my
best friend since we could walk. You know everything about me. I
love you more than life itself, but I know that I can’t love you
the way you need to be loved. I have too much baggage.”

“
Char, we’ve been friends.
Hell, we’ve been more than friends since all that shit went down.
I’ve loved you my entire life, and now you want to tell me that you
think he deserves you again? That’s complete bullshit, and you know
it!”

“
I’m
not saying that he deserves me. I’m saying no one deserves me. I’m
damaged. Leftovers. It’s not fair to you or anyone else. Who wants
what someone has already had and destroyed?”
I am totally full of shit. I have more love in my
heart for Cash than I ever thought was possible, but I can’t keep
pulling him down with me. I have to let him go. It’s only
fair.

Cash props his fishing
rod against the wall and moves closer to me. He places his hand on
my shoulder and turns me to face him. “Char, I do. You make me
whole. From the first time I looked at you, I knew you were
special. You have the most giving and caring heart I have ever
seen. You take life by the horns and go with it. You aren’t afraid
to make a mistake, but yet this is something I can’t let you do.
You are what makes my heart beat. I love you. No matter what you
say, I will always love you, and I won’t let you go. I will fight
for you. Now, tomorrow,
and
forever
. Whether you like it or not, you
are my Char-coal and I’m your Cash Money. We’re destined for each
other; I just know it!”

I pull myself from Cash’s gaze and
hands.

“
Please, Cash. Don’t do
this. I’m through. I need to finish this school year on my own.
I’ve got to figure out who I am without a guy in my life. Even if
that means letting go of the one person that understands me
completely. I have to do this by myself. Please tell me you
understand.”

I wait for Cash to answer as the wind
blows through the trees. It reminds me of a thief in the night.
Just like Dylan stole the most precious gift I ever owned. I’m
pulled from my thoughts when Cash finally speaks.

“
I’m sorry, but I
don’t.”

Without wasting another second, I reel
in my fishing rod from the window. (Yes, it’s December; we won’t
catch any fish, but it’s what we do.) I hang my rod in the corner,
climb down the ladder and take off on my hot pink four-wheeler
before he can respond. He knows I like my distance. He knows not to
push me, and he doesn’t. He doesn’t speak or look at me. The only
time I see Cash is from a distance on their family farm or when my
dad needs his help with something. Other than that, he acts like
I’m invisible, which is exactly what I want, but not what I
need.

Chapter 1: Graduation Day- June 2013

I can't believe that high school is
over. Who knew that time would go by so quickly, and now I'm
standing here acting like a little baby! “Charley, you better pull
yourself together,” I say as I look into the mirror. It's time to
do the damn thing and graduate!

I take one final look at myself in the
mirror. My hair is blonde and freshly rolled with hot rollers. I
have the kind of hair that girls dream of! You know, the kind that
you put rollers in and it stays for days without a gallon of
product. I have on a Forever 21 black A-line sleeveless floral lace
dress that shows just enough leg, the pearl earrings and necklace
set my dad gave me, and a pair of Nine West stiletto heels that I
got at my favorite store of all time, The Jesus Store. I paid
fifteen dollars for them, and they are like brand spankin' new!
They aren’t my typical Ariats, but I know they won’t fly
today.

I grab my cap and gown and can hear
all my family downstairs; they are so excited. If you asked me a
month ago how I felt about graduating from high school, I would
have said, “I can't wait!” It's not like Lenior Rhyne College isn't
five miles from my house, so what's going to change? I guess I
better snap out of it and head to graduation.

I walk downstairs in the old white
farmhouse that I've grown up in my entire life. What started off
small has now turned into a pretty big place. It was transformed
from a two bedroom, one bath house to five bedrooms, three baths,
sunroom, man cave and pool. I guess it pays to have a dad who can
do anything. I go downstairs to see my sis, Tessa, waiting for
me.

"Charley, why is it that you never
have to work hard on your looks?"

"Whatever, you know you're the one
that got all those in this family." She gives me a hug and says
she'll see me at school in a little while.

As I walk down the
hallway, I notice my baby pictures.
I sure
do hope I make my parents proud
. I walk
into the kitchen and tell Mama, Dad, and my cousin Joanna that I'll
see them there, and out the screen door I go. Joanna informs me she
has too much cooking to do, so she will just stay at
home.

Once I get into my 2009 Red Honda
Accord, I put on my ten dollar shades and turn up the radio to 96.9
The Kat. Thanking the good man upstairs that a little Florida
Georgia Line “Cruise” is on! YES! I crank it up with the windows
down and sunroof open.

Today is a perfect day to graduate.
The sky is the perfect color, Carolina blue. There's not one cloud
in sight, and I'm about to start a new journey. The next thing I
know, I'm pulling into Dixon High School. I see my girls already
starting to arrive and hanging by the tree on the front lawn. I
don't know how I would have made it through the past year and a
half without them. They know all my secrets and were there when I
needed them most.

I park the car, get out,
and head toward the tree.
Deep breaths.
In, out, in, out. You can do this!

"Hey, Piper, you ready to get this
over with?" Truthfully, I'm scared to death and could cry at any
moment. I scan the crowd to see if Dylan is anywhere around, and
he’s not. Thank goodness.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm just ready to get
on that flight to Cancun!" she says.

"Yeah, me too! I don't know about you,
but I'm just ready to get out of this hole in the wall town before
I go crazy!"

Next thing I know, all
our families have arrived and my mom is taking pictures like a mad
woman. I just keep thinking to myself.
Are
you SURE you don't want to go to school somewhere else?
When I look to my right, I can see Mrs. Clark
motioning us to move that way. It's time to get this party started!
Piper, Annie, Carrie, Morgan, and I make our way to line up by
homeroom. Guess I know who I'll be with. The same people I have
since ninth grade. One more time, and this is over!

While we wait, I stand watching my
friends laugh and look like they are just fine and dandy. I wonder
if any of them are falling apart inside like I am. I know I've made
bad decisions in the past, but I'm praying that my college choice
is right and staying close to home is a good thing. I have my
parents, my sister, and my friend Cash here in town too, even
though I’m not sure if he will even talk to me at this point. When
I think about it, I am just a country girl who never wants to leave
her little hick town.

As I'm deep in thought, I
notice the line starting to move.
Here
goes nothing
, I think to myself and smile
over to my left at Piper. She's been my best friend since sixth
grade. I've covered for her ass a lot, and she's always done the
same for me. I really don't know what I'm going to do with her
going to school five freakin' hours away!

Walking into the auditorium, I hear
“Pomp and Circumstance.”It's now or never! Time to put on my big
girl panties and act like the Southern Belle I was brought up to
be.

Heading down the aisle, I
can see my mama, dad, sister, and grandparents. They are all so
happy. I smile at them and say a prayer that I don't break down
crying. I make my way up the steps.
One,
two, three, four.
Whew, I didn't fall. I
make my way to my seat and pray that this is over
quickly.

My school is extremely strict when it
comes to gradation. No hooting and hollering or the 5-0 will escort
you out. No throwing your cap and always show your manners because
this is an honored ceremony. Well, let’s see if all that happens
today.