Seductive Poison (45 page)

“Wow, what a downpour!” Dan pulled out a small umbrella and held it over our heads. I saw the embassy flag drooping with wetness, no longer a crisp, proud symbol of freedom. All I could think of was Mama.

17
Emergency Standby

“Good job,” the consul, Dick McCoy, said as he walked over and hugged me. The embassy was cold and I felt sticky in my damp clothes. “You look tired,” he observed. “Why don’t you go in the other room and take a nap? Our flight’s at five-thirty. You’ll head out at two-thirty. I’ll be busy until then. Right now I need to finish my discussions with the ambassador, about
you!”
He smiled. “You’re registered as emergency standby.”

“I don’t have a seat? I may not get on this flight?” Panic overtook my weary body. Weren’t they supposed to be taking care of me?

“It’s just that all the flights have been sold out for months and the emergency designation will ensure you get bumped up to the head of the list. Everything’s going to be all right,” he promised.

Dan ushered me to a well-cushioned couch, as the consul answered the telephone.

“Hello? Yes, this is the consul. No, I haven’t seen Miss Blakey. No, I don’t know where she is. Mmmhmm. Well, I understand that she spent the night at the Tower Hotel. Yes. Okay, then. Good-bye.” He raised his eyebrows. “Your sister-in-law is worried about you and wanted to know if you were here.”

“They know I am! They followed us here. They’re checking up on you to see which side you’re taking. Now that you’ve lied, they’ll inform Jim. They saw me come in five minutes ago. You better be careful.”

“I’ve taken no sides. You asked to go home and it is my duty to
assist you.” He sounded defensive. “Dan, take care of Debbie. Get her some lunch. I’ll be back shortly.”

While Dan foraged for food somewhere in the embassy, I crumpled into a ball on the couch. The consul hadn’t taken sides? Did that mean he didn’t believe me? If I got upset would the embassy refuse to help me? Would they determine I was too much of a bother? Maybe they’d agree with Karen and Sharon and decide I was selfish, and return me. I couldn’t make trouble.

Unable to relax, I got up and began to pace the floor, wondering if I should call the house or not. If I didn’t call, Jim would think I was trying to hide something. If I did, he’d think I was indecisive, I hadn’t planned a vendetta, and I wasn’t going to hurt them. I’d better call and act grown-up, honest, caring.

“Man, oh man.” Dan entered with a tray of goodies. “Here’s some comfort food.”

“Dan, I’ve decided to call Jim and tell him why I’m leaving.” I grabbed a slice of apple.

“Why?”

“’Cause if I don’t, he’ll think worse things about me and plan more devious ways to hurt me.”

“Whatever you think is right.” Dan set the food closer to me on the desk.

“Can I use your phone?”

“Use the phone over there. Do you want me to stay with you, or would you rather be alone?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Everything was in code anyway. I picked up the phone to dial the Temple headquarters in town. I quickly swallowed the apple. “Deirdre, it’s Debbie.”

“Hold on.” She set the phone down. “Jim,” I could hear her clearly, speaking over the radio, into Jonestown. “Lucinda is on the phone.”

Father seemed to be talking away from the radio, but I could hear everything. “We need to change all the codes. Yes, good point, Maria, the signatures, too. Ask her why she’s leaving.”

I began my recitation: “Life is dreary and unhappy there. Everyone is afraid, the work day is too long, the food doesn’t provide energy, people should be allowed to live with their families, and besides that … the punishments have become too harsh, even dangerous. Especially the incident with Lorina.”

I had been put into Lorina’s field crew when Lee was pulled for construction. She’d been kind, considerate, fair, and she’d never
written any of us up, but Jim had been vicious to her after her one-month “PR” stint in the capital.

“Yes, my precious,” Father hummed. He sounded relieved and comforted to hear my voice. I was glad I had called. I could feel my facial features relax and soften. “I just don’t understand why you have remained silent until now. Why didn’t you come and warn me of your concerns, so I could lighten the discipline? I agree with you regarding Lorina. But tell me, why did you not speak up and protest at the time? Why did you allow her to be mistreated if you felt so deeply that our approach was unfair?” He paused to accentuate my silence. “I also believe it became too severe, but you must understand, darling, this is something a person of your caliber would never have done. You, my soldier, must learn not to always identify with the weak. Remember? That is why you got into so much trouble in high school. You cannot help the simple man by becoming one with him, or with her, in the case of Lorina.”

“But—”

“Lucinda, listen closely to me. You have always been very special to me. That is why, when you became ill, I removed you from the fields, had you nursed to health, and then placed you in charge of all our transmissions into the capital. Do you think I would have done such a thing if I didn’t hold you in the highest esteem? Would I have made you a signatory on all our foreign accounts, allowed you to travel to so many places? Have I not shown you how special you are to me?” He sighed. “You are powerful, smart, envied by many.” I was?

“And presently you are extremely tired. It is because of your hard work and selfless dedication that you have faltered. This is only an aberration, a momentary and understandable slip. I was convinced when the others told me not to send you, that they were mistaken, jealous of my trust in you. Karen was resentful, Maria didn’t want you here near me because she was threatened by my feelings for you. It was I who constantly extolled your abilities, the insights you had on the radio, your concrete and useful suggestions in crises. Did you think I hadn’t noticed how diligently you worked in the fields? I was proud when Lee reported your exceptional dedication to hard work, even as you became ill.” Lee? Lee had promoted me? With all my sniveling about the bugs in my syrup? What had I done to him now? Would he, too, be blamed?

“Of course, neither Karen nor Maria feels any animosity now. They love you, too, and miss you.” Really? “Karen wrote me to say
she thinks you are doing a marvelous job there.” His voice seemed suddenly tighter. “Do you remember
what
Lorina did?
How
she put the entire organization at risk?” His voice softened again.
“You
would never have done such a thing. You have had many occasions where you could have, but your understanding of our purpose and your integrity would not have allowed you to sully our work as Lorina did.”

There was a long silence and I wondered if I was supposed to say something.

“Lucinda! Do you understand what she did wrong? It isn’t that she had a relationship with a man. I condone such things. You could have had one with your husband, but you chose not to. No, what she did was contemptible. She had no reason to allow herself to be defiled by that man. Her only excuse was that she fell in love.” His voice became more shrill as he relived the altercation. “What is that word? What evil monstrosities have befallen civilization under the guise of love? No, only her selfish needs and capitalistic desires put this project in harm’s way. Tell me, Lucinda, how could anyone love an outsider? Someone who doesn’t believe in our objectives, doesn’t have our dedication and commitment to life. Tell me, after all you know, that Lorina did not deserve her scolding?”

I imagined the radio room: Jim at the controls, sitting stiffly, seething at the microphone tightly clutched in his pale, swollen hand, spittle flying from his hisses, Maria and Carolyn on the day-bed watching. I was certain Maria felt vindicated for her old dislike of me and poor Carolyn must have been wondering why and how I could have deceived her. I could see the armed guards standing nearby, outside the room, at heightened alert, eager to know which “asshole-traitor” had put their lives at risk this time. But as always, Father would be keeping the defector’s identity a secret, hoping to bring him or her back. He would not let the others know it was me … not yet. The defection of one so trusted, so close and devoted to Father might ignite second thoughts in their minds.

Feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond, I tried again, too anxious to stay in code.

“I do believe that structure is good, and I needed it when I joined. It helped me grow. But it’s not helpful anymore. People are afraid to speak freely and honestly for fear of retribution. There is no freedom. It is not the dream world they came to so willingly. Jonestown is not the Promised Land they envisioned. Tell me why letters from
families in America are not allowed to be delivered there? What is so dangerous about a note from a loved one?”

“I’m worried about your logic. Tell me, why do you think it is? Because,” he yelled into the radio, “those people are not with us. They are part of the system that oppresses us. Have you forgotten your socialism so soon? If they are not with us, they’re against us! Oh, my soldier, all you need is sleep right now. A short rest here with me, and you’ll be back to normal.” He paused. “And tell me, darling, have you ever thought about your mother? Does this
freedom
you wish for permit you to leave her?”

I was silent.

“It will kill her, Lucinda.” His voice was hoarse. “She is already sooo weak.”

“But you don’t have to tell her. Don’t make her suffer for my selfishness,” I pleaded. I imagined Mama worrying about the defector, her fretting. Did she know it was my fault?

“How could we not? You’ve already made contact with your sister.”

“Wait … You don’t know that! What makes you believe that I contacted my sister?”

“The telegram, for one thing,” he sneered into the receiver.

“She doesn’t have any idea what’s going on. I’ve told her nothing. Please … can’t you just tell Mama I’ve returned to the United States to finish business?”

“My little warrior, Debbie, you’re exhausted,” Father consoled me. “You have been working too hard. You need to rest. Tell me, darling, where are you calling from?” His voice was slow and crackled with the frequency static.

“A friend’s house.”

“What’s the phone number there, so we can call you later?” he asked sweetly.

“I can’t tell you that … um, she’d be upset. I’ll call you.” I could almost feel his repulsion. I imagined him leaning back, away from the radio, as if to get further away from my voice. But he persisted.

“So tell me, Lucinda, what
other
reasons do you have for leaving?”

“Well, I know you’re going to think it sounds strange … because I’ve never admitted this publicly before.” I took a deep breath. “I want to have a family. Yes, I know what you think, that the
nuclear family is a selfish concept; how could people be so small-minded, wanting just their own tiny family? I realize there are too many children who have been orphaned and forgotten, who need adoption and guidance, but I want my own, too.”

His voice was no longer soft. “Lucinda! Have you taken leave of your senses? How egocentric and naïve! Do you think you can find happiness fulfilling this myopic dream? Are you so ignorant to believe anyone will want you? I am the one who saved you. I took you into my heart, my mind, and my confidence. You are my soldier, my creation. Do you think you would have been in a position to even have these thoughts if I had not taught you? It’s been under my tutelage that you have blossomed, through my eyes that you discovered this world. Do you think you can ever go back to the way it was before? The CIA has you on a list, the FBI is waiting to imprison you. Do you honestly believe you can walk away from the greatest purpose on this earth and not reel from the consequences? You’ll
rue
this day forevermore. I will
never
allow you to forget … What … What is your little mind saying? That I cannot? Have you forgotten my powers? They will haunt you forever.” Would they? Last night I had dreamed I was carrying Mama away from the darkness toward an open space, to safety …

“And, so, my weak-hearted warrior, what do you think will become of your mother and brother?”

My heart began to pound in absolute terror. No! It was not their fault. I could hardly hear his driveling anymore. Dan glanced over, alarmed by my sudden rigidity.

“Do you think Larry will forgive you for killing his mother?” Father continued. “Do you think he will ever live peacefully here, knowing his sister has pushed the possibility of our existence nearer to the edge? He shall be outcast. Forced into depravity because of
your
selfish defection.” Oh God, how could I do this to them? “Tell me, when did
they
make contact with you? The CIA? How much have
they
paid you to betray your mother? Don’t try, don’t even contemplate trying to contact Larry in San Francisco … I am warning you now, do
not
contact anyone in the States. You know all too well, Lucinda, from your own labors in the past. We will follow, track, hound, and silence you. …” My heart stopped.

“But, darling.” His voice became silky sweet, a welcome respite from his bellowing. “You still have a chance. You still have time to redeem yourself. Oh, Lucinda, my darling, how I have loved and molded you in my image. Think about what your actions will do to
us, to me, on my birthday. Can you betray the only man who ever loved you, on my forty-seventh birthday? Come back here, to Jonestown, and tell me your reasons. I will listen attentively. I want you to tell me how to improve life in the Promised Land. Come back and tell your mother to her face why you want to desert her. We all deserve to hear you explain yourself, in person.” His voice was plaintive. Oh, Father, had I fallen so low? In a flash, had I become a conspirator, a wretched, murderous capitalist? Had Dan noticed too? He looked somber; he was frowning. Had everyone seen it, my filth, my weakness? The ease with which I was willing to sacrifice other people’s lives for my own selfish fulfillment?

“I can’t do that, Father.”