Seductive Shadows (11 page)

He leaned closer. His pupils circled the room before they landed on me. “We’re artists. We all work late.”

My face reddened and I laughed, but not for the reason he probably thought. His breath smelled of citrus. I wanted more of it.

“So…the assignment is?” I asked.

He stared at me for several seconds before his lips finally parted. “We have to paint life drawings.”

“Of each other?”

He nodded, and a hint of a smile spread toward his eyes. “We’re supposed to model in different colored lights.”

“I’m going to be
your
model?”

“Sounds like you’re having a hard time understanding the assignment.”

“No, I understand it perfectly.” I grinned. My teeth weren’t perfect either, but at least they gleamed now from Sandy’s polish. “But the only life drawings I’ve done have been with naked models.”

“You don’t want to get naked for me?” he asked.

“Do
you
want to get naked for
me
?” I asked back.

He let out a laugh. It was honest and refreshing, and despite the thought of stripping for him without wearing a mask, my whole body started to relax.

“Why don’t we meet tomorrow night?” he asked. “We can start slowly.”

I had one more shift scheduled for this week…and it was tomorrow night.

“How about tomorrow afternoon?” I asked.

“You know this is going to take more than one session, right?”

I nodded. “Several, I would imagine.”

He smiled again. “Then tomorrow afternoon it is.”

I helped Lilly into bed and waited for her to get settled before I fluffed the pillows and pulled the blanket up to her chin. She had just returned from a three-night stay in the hospital; the doctors had tried to determine why she was excreting so much blood, and the spot it was coming from. We were sent home with a shorter life expectancy and three new prescriptions that required multiple doses per day. She wasn’t lucid enough to take her meds while I was at work. I wasn’t sure if she even had the will to, and I didn’t trust any of her bar buddies to dispense them.

I had her take a sip of water, and then moved into my room, closing her door behind me. My cell phone sat on top of the bed. I picked it up, squeezed it into my palm, and threw it on the mattress. Why wasn’t there another option? Someone besides Dallas who I could call? It had been such a long time since I’d needed help from anyone. I hated that I needed it now, and that the help was actually for Lilly.

But it was my fault that I didn’t have anyone else to call. Before the accident, it had always been just Emma and me. We occasionally hung out with other girls, mostly during lunch and when we partied on the weekends, but they were just social acquaintances. Several of those girls had called after the funeral and invited me out. I declined. I didn’t want anyone but Emma.

A few months later, they all went away to school and forgot about me.

I’d studied with a bunch of my college classmates over the years. But art was all we had in common, and nothing ever developed from those meetings. And the people I worked with remained co-workers, not friends, because I didn’t want the two to mingle. Emma had been my one constant for so long, my stability, the expected in my life. She was my family. Lilly had showed me that forever didn’t exist, that I couldn’t hold onto anything. Emma had confirmed that. I didn’t need that kind of pain again, the blame, the loss of love. I didn’t need more friends to rapidly exit my life. I had men for that.

“Hello?” Dallas said after the first ring. I was surprised that he had answered since my new number showed up as
private
on called ID.

“It’s me.” I paused, waiting for his response. “It’s—”

“Where are you calling me from?”

“I got a new cell.”

“I wish you had told me that, and that you’d quit the hotel, too.”

“You went there?”

“After I learned your number had been given to someone else, I did. I stopped by one night, hoping we could talk.”

I paced the small space between my bed and easel. I should have known Dallas would have done something like this, that he cared enough to want to know if I was all right. I didn’t think to give him my new number, but I must not have wanted him out of my life all together. And I must have thought of him as something more than just an
ex
if I was calling him for a favor.

“I was offered a better opportunity,” I said.

He laughed. I knew him well enough to know that sound wasn’t because he thought my words were funny. Did I miss that noise, or only his moans?

“Does he fuck you as good as I did?”

“It wasn’t that kind of offer.” Not entirely, anyway.

He sighed. “You’re calling because you want something. What can I do for you, Cee?”

“You know I wouldn’t ask unless it’s important.”

“I know.”

“Will you come over?”

“To your apartment?” He sounded surprised, and he should have been. It was a question I had never asked him before.

“Yes,” I said, and gave him the address.

He hesitated. “I’ll be there in ten.”

***

 I ran to our front door as soon as I heard the knock. The buzzer downstairs was broken and the landlord had never bothered to fix it, so he kept the main door unlocked. Dallas stood on the other side of the entryway; his hazel eyes pierced mine. The outline of his muscles pushed through his white T-shirt and the wife-beater that he wore underneath. Both arms were covered in tattoo sleeves. The top of his hair was longer than the sides, gelled, and combed to the back with a slight poof in the front. I repeated to myself,
He’s here to help Lilly
, over and over in my head. The tingling didn’t stop.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked.

He moved inside, facing me as I shut the door.

I took a deep breath and turned around. I knew his expression; he wore it whenever I gave him words…words that I knew he wouldn’t want to hear. “I need help with Lilly.”

“I figured.”

“If you can’t do it, I won’t be upset—”

“You know I’ll do anything to help you. That’s why I’m here.”

I nodded, and walked gingerly to her room. I had become almost immune to the scent, but I could feel the moment that it hit him. His reaction was the same as mine. He came to a halt, trying to settle his stomach and reverse his watering mouth without showing any outward signs that he felt sick from it. Lilly’s body was decaying, slowly shutting down, and with that came an odor, mixed with her daily accidents, her breath and her unwashed skin.

“It’s hard for her to swallow pills,” I said as we stood by her bed, “so I crush them and sprinkle them on ice cream. Don’t let her hold the spoon.”

“I won’t.” He glanced at me. His face was still soft. “What time do you want me to come over?”

“I’ll give you a key so you can come anytime, but between eight and ten would be best.”

“I’ll be here at nine.”

Her lips moved in her sleep, and her hands twitched. An empty ashtray sat on the nightstand; since she’d begun vomiting blood, she’d become too sick to smoke.

His fingers intertwined with mine, squeezing for just a brief second before he released. “She’s lucky to have you.”

Emma had said that to me once, just like Dallas. It was the first time she had visited my apartment. They had both asked to come over several times. Dallas’s requests eventually stopped.

But Emma’s didn’t.

***

I knew I had plenty of time before Emma’s train arrived, but I still jogged the few blocks to the station. I wanted everything to be perfect tonight. I had spent the whole day ensuring that it would be. I’d gone to the store and picked up fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and chocolate cupcakes for dinner, and cleaned our whole apartment. Mom had just been getting out of bed when I’d left the apartment, and waiting on the bathroom counter were two aspirins and a large glass of water. I threw away the bottle of liquor in the freezer and the three half-bottles of wine in the fridge. Emma didn’t need to see those, and Mom didn’t need to drink more when she got home. I had planned it so Emma and Mom would only have a few minutes together before she had to leave for work.

“Charlie!” Emma shouted as she stepped onto the platform.

Logan, her brother, was right behind her, chaperoning her to my side of town. Where I’d been riding the train for years, Emma wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone.

“He’s driving me nuts,” she whispered during our hug.

He handed me Emma’s bag. “How far do you live from here?”

“Just a few blocks,” I said.

“I’ll walk you,” he said.

“It’s like two minutes from here, Logan,” Emma said. “We’ll be fine.” She dragged out the last word.

His eyes shifted between the two of us. “Will you call when you get there?”

“OK, whatever,” Emma said.

“I’ll be here tomorrow at eleven to pick you up,” he said.

She rolled her eyes. “I know; you told me twelve times on the way over.” She slipped her hand in mine and skipped toward the station’s door. “I swear…he’s worse than my parents.”

“I’m sure they’ve asked him to keep an eye on you while they’re out of town.”

“I think they’re paying him to make my life miserable. He wouldn’t like it, though, especially if I ratted him out to Dad.”

“Why? Is he having a girl over tonight?”

I had met a few of Logan’s girlfriends, and it seemed like he treated them decently. Better than that man had treated my mother. A few months had passed since I’d watched her and that nameless guy have sex on our couch. But the images had stayed with me, the vision of the happiness that had filled her face when his thighs had slapped up against her butt. The sounds were stuck in my head, too: how she’d begged for his love and demanded all of his attention, the noise the door had made when he shut it on his way out the next morning. I wondered if Logan had sex on the couch that Emma and I always sat on.

“Knowing him, he’ll have more than one over,” she said.

I laughed, but inside I shook. Emma hadn’t been to my apartment before, and she had never met my mom. I didn’t feel comfortable bringing her there…not after being at her house, her room all pink-and-lace, with lampshades decorated with fur. But with her parents out of town, she had convinced me to have her stay the night. I didn’t know if she had ever seen furniture that was full of holes, walls yellowed from smoke, and mattresses on the floor. I hoped she wouldn’t be turned off, and that she realized not everyone had as much money as she had.

If she was grossed out, she never said it, and she didn’t make a face when she stepped onto our stained carpet or through a stale cloud of Mom’s cigarette smoke. We stopped in the living room, and she smiled and said, “I’m so happy to be here.”

“I’m happy, too.” And I was, but for so many more reasons than she knew.

She followed me while I dropped her bag by the entryway of my bedroom, and she took a seat at the kitchen table when I asked if she was hungry.

“Starving! Logan wouldn’t let me eat any of the food Mom made. I guess he wants to save it for tonight. Whatever that means.”

I took the box of chicken and the container of mashed potatoes out of the fridge and set them on the counter.

“Can I help with anything?” she asked.

“No, I…” I stopped. Four bones rested on the bottom of the box, and a tiny scoop of potatoes was stuck to the side of the container. Mom must have eaten it all when I’d gone to pick up Emma. I glanced to my left, leaning back a few inches. Both cupcakes were missing from the pantry. I had told her—repeatedly—that this was Emma’s favorite meal, and how special this night was for me. But if I confronted her, she would yell and call me ungrateful, and embarrass me for not appreciating everything she did.

“Is something wrong?” Emma asked.

I turned around to face her. “I’m such a dummy. I forgot that I ate the chicken for lunch. How about some McDonald’s instead?”

“Yum!” She jumped out of her seat and skipped to my side, locking her arm in mine. “I know just what I’m going to get. Did you see that commercial for that big and juicy thing?”

Mrs. Hunt wouldn’t allow either of her kids to eat fast food and she made them promise they wouldn’t eat it behind her back.

“I’m just going to grab my purse. Give me two seconds.”

I unhooked her arm and went to my room. I had used my own money to buy the chicken and potatoes and cupcakes, and now I had only a few dollars left.

“You must be Emma,” I heard my mom say from the kitchen.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Williams.”

“It’s Miss, actually…Lilly will do just fine.”

“OK, thanks, Miss Lilly.”

“I said, drop the Miss. I’m too old for that shit.”

I threw the strap of my purse over my shoulder and rushed into the kitchen. Mom was opening and closing the fridge and freezer doors. I knew what she was looking for, and she wasn’t going to find it in the kitchen. But it surprised me that she was hunting for it so soon; she usually didn’t drink before work.

“I had a bottle in the freezer, Charlie. Where is it?”

“Emma, are you ready to go?” I asked.

Emma moved to my side.

“Where’s the bottle?”

“I never saw a bottle. If there was one, I didn’t touch it.”

Mom slammed the freezer door shut. There was nothing inside to rattle, but the whole appliance squeaked. She turned around and stood just feet from us. “Where’s the fucking bottle?”

“I don’t know,” I said.