Seeing Julia (30 page)

“There’s that Hallmark card stuff you say that I really like about you. I’ll fill you in the next time I see you.” There’s a rustling sound. Then, Kimberley’s back.

“Julia, please tell me where you are,” Kimberley says. She has this singsong voice going as if she’s a crisis worker talking the jumper off a ledge.

“I can’t. I love you Kimmy. I’ll call you soon. Help out Steph with Reid for me. Pull the emails. I’ll call. I love you, Kimmy Powers.”

I hang up the phone because I think I’m finally going to break down and cry. And people in first class are beginning to notice this about me.

≈
≈*

There was so much promise and a future ahead of us. He seemed excited about having a baby with me, something unplanned that forced us to a crossroads sooner than we might have been, but he seemed to want me, want a baby, and want our life.

Now, his permanent absence activates a new kind of heartbreak. Silent questions seem to scream from the walls.
Did you ever love me? Did you?

Is silence my answer?

In a long while, it occurs to me I need to know if what Savannah Bennett said was true or not. A desperate search ensues with a frenzied inventory of the entire room. I pull out every drawer and go through all the contents of each one. Finally, in one of the last drawers, my actions produce the black bikini corroborating Savannah’s story.

Somehow, I stay grounded. There’s still no reaction to her story. I am beyond numb, beyond even drowning. I wrap it up in tissue paper and put it into a gift box I brought especially for this task.

I go back through drawers, until I find the swimsuit I left here on our honeymoon the January before last. My laugh echoes back to me in the bathroom when I recall it was so cold I never even wore it.

Not as cold, in L.A. in May. I rhyme again and I try not to think about that other time with bees and the state patrolman, but I do. Overcome with sudden sadness, I slide down the wall to the floor and close my eyes. And, just for a moment, I let in the sorrow.

He never loved me
.

Later, I pull myself up off the floor and slip into the hot tub and then, the pool. Repetition occupies my mind and all I do is count laps until I can’t do anymore.

Exhausted from swimming and this heaviness in my heart, I watch the sun slide toward the horizon on day three in Malibu. I rhyme in time. A miracle, this sun, it illuminates the coming night sky with orange brilliance until the very last second, I reach out and cover the last little orange slit with my hand and say goodbye.

Thoughts of Bobby keep me company. I keep hearing him say everything’s going to be okay, babe. And, I so want to believe him.

“I know.” My voice echoes pool side.

My plan begins to disintegrate in handling this news in the persona of my mother. I can feel it leaving me and I’m caught in this vast emptiness and from far away I start to worry about the plan and even me.

A different day. Day Four? If so, the plan says: call Kimberley. I turn on my cell phone wait a few minutes and it registers fifteen voicemails. I left her a note; didn’t I?

Most are from Kimmy with variations of her saying: Where are you? She finally breaks down and says: Where the fuck are you, Julia? Call me now.”

Oh boy.

I deviate from the plan. I don’t call Kimberley. I call Stephanie, needing to know Reid is okay. But, Christian answers. “Julia, how are you?”

“Christian…look, I’m sorry I had to leave you and Steph with…Reid. How is he?”

“He’s good. He misses you, Julia. Where are you?”

“It’s…hard to explain. I don’t feel like I’m…anywhere right now. But, the sunsets are…orange and bright. Really…amazing.”

“Julia, Steph’s right here. She wants to talk to you. Where are you, Julia?”

“Tell Steph hello.” I press end on my cell phone as I hear Reid babbling in the background. “Good baby. Mommy’s okay.”

≈ ≈

I mark the days off on this white board now. There have been five. Six? Five or six. I realize I haven’t done more than drink water and swim and sleep. It occurs to me that maybe today is the day I should do something else. I find the keys to Evan’s Porsche and head out. Have to love a man who has a car at every house and multiple houses at that.

I did love him; didn’t I? I think I did. I did. I did, but not so much anymore. There’s this weight in my soul and it gets so heavy in just thinking of him, just thinking his name, or saying it aloud within these echoing walls. Even then.

Shifting gears in this car proves too hard. I get confused. Which way do I go to get back to the house? I don’t think I’ve strayed too far, but far enough.

“Lady, are you lost?” A guy asks, who looks just like Bobby.

“No.”

“Do you want to be?”

I stare at his too white smile.
I’m reminded of Jake. Jake? Don’t think about him. Not good.

“Do you want to be?” he asks.

“Do I want to be what?”

“Lost.”

“Absolutely.”

There’s a pool. We’re high up in the hills of Malibu away from the beach now at this gorgeous house. The Pacific is so vast. It’s big from up here. I step into the pool. I just step in. The water is warm and I swim a while. Now, I shiver in my clothes staring at the sunset and the vast Pacific. It’s so vast. Endless. I look for the guy who has the too white smile, but he’s left me.

Of course. Of course, he’s left me. Everyone does.

It occurs to me that I should eat something. I have this weird high going from the drink he handed me before; and now, he’s left me. Of course, he’s left me. Everyone does.

I can’t find my car keys. Finally, Bobby figures it out.

Keys are on the car floor, babe.

“Thanks, Bobby, I love you so much.”

I wake up at the beach in the car. It’s a beach that is vaguely familiar. The place is deserted and I assume it’s morning because the sun is behind me, when I’m looking out at the ocean.

You are here. I laugh, when I see the sign and study the map. Somehow, I’ve made it to Marina del Rey. “Bobby, did you bring me here? Because you remembered. This is our beach, our place. We were supposed to get married right here, on this very beach. I’d stay but I have to get back. How far can it be to Evan’s house in Malibu? Check that,
my
house is in Malibu. Evan’s dead. That much we do know; right Bobby?”

He doesn’t answer and I can’t wait around for him because it is most certainly time for me to get back.

Five people give me directions to Malibu. Five people take turns during this long day to ask, “Lady, are you lost? Or, the variation of this one which is: “Lady, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m lost. Can you give me directions to Malibu?”

“Yes, I’m okay. I’m just tired, so very tired.”

“Lady? Yes, I’m a lady. I guess. I’m twenty seven and I have a son who just turned one. And bees are mostly he’s, except for the queen. And, Evan’s dead, but he must have loved me because he came back. And, we had Reid and Evan said we were going to have this wonderful life. And I believed him. I thought we did. I suppose we did. But, it didn’t last. It never lasts and why is that? These are hard questions that are going to take some time to answer. And, if I could find my house and just sit down for awhile, I would answer them.”

“I have to get back to the plan. I had a plan and now, I don’t know where the house is, where I’ve left the plan, but I have to get back to it. I can’t keep messing around with this stuff. My son needs me. I know he does and the longer it takes to process this, the less time I’ll have with my son … he’ll be older; I’ll be older and he might be old enough to realize that I’ve left him and I don’t want … Reid … there it is. I forgot his name and I can’t believe I did. I don’t want Reid to know I ever left him. God, we should have just named him after you, Bobby. Because you … .I will never forget.”

I know, but Evan didn’t want you to.

“The sun’s starting to set. It’s bright, blinding. I can’t see. I’m pulling over here on the shoulder. The sign says Pacific Coast Highway. I’m just trying to get to Malibu. You would think I would know. Wouldn’t you?”

Are you okay?

“Well, yes, I think so. I’m just trying to sort things out. Figure it out. That’s all. I have a plan. Every good … like Kimmy … has a plan.”

≈ ≈

“Do you think he ever saw me? Ever?”

He saw you, just like I see you now.

“You’ve always seen me. That’s hardly fair. Maybe, after Reid was born, maybe then. Maybe, he finally figured it out then. It’s just who does that? Who would leave his pregnant wife and go off? Who does that? I wasn’t going to think about this. I was going to deal with this later and now I can’t find the house where the plan is. God damn it.”

What’s your favorite color?

“You
know
this. Okay, I’ll tell you again because you’re just being funny. My favorite color is black because I love the night sky, black licorice, and I feel sorry for the color black because no one ever chooses it as their favorite. So I did, a long time ago, and it’s still my favorite.”

White chocolate or dark?

“White. You
know
this.”

Favorite place in the world?

“Wherever you are.”

And, if I’m not there?

“The place that brings me back to you. Okay, I’m tired we have to stop talking. I’m going to rest in the car and figure out where Malibu is. I know it’s not hard to find, but I just can’t seem to…find it. Good night. Thank you for being here with me.”