Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (25 page)

George appreciates art books, particularly
French Impressionist Paintings
because the pastoral images are very conducive for peristalsis.  While visiting Brentano's bookstore, he brought reading material into the bathroom, and was subsequently forced to purchase the tome for $100.00.  (George was furious because without toilets there would be no books.)  When he attempted to receive a refund, the book was flagged for being in the bathroom, and even the Housing Works Thrift Shop would not accept the tainted publication.  George decided to shoplift an identical book and then return it for a refund, but Jerry notified store security guards who effectuated an arrest.

George loves Trivial Pursuit, and engaged in a rousing game with the Bubble Boy, Donald Sanger.  The competition was decided by the following question: "Who invaded Spain in the eighth century?"  Donald replied, "The Moors," but a misprinted game card indicated "Moops."  George refused to concede defeat.  During the ensuing altercation, the bubble burst, and Donald was rushed to the hospital.

George never read a Truman Capote book or
The Three Musketeers
.  However, he does own several books, such as
Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?
,
Staying Well
:
Verbal Self-Defense
, and
I'm OK--You're OK
.  If George were stranded on an island and could select one book, he would choose
The Three Musketeers
(which was why he never read the classic--he was saving it for the island).  If he had his choice of island companions--Richard, Wilt or Neville Chamberlain--George would opt for Richard Chamberlain because he was in
The Three Musketeers
, and then George would not have to read the book.

Actors.
Ever since watching
Carnal Knowledge
, George's favorite actress has been Candice Bergen, and he thinks Jon Voight is a superior actor to Liam Neeson--if you can play Joe Buck, then Oskar Schindler is a cakewalk.  Moreover, he is a big fan of Corbin Bernsen, and idolizes Dennis Franz (George has a life-size poster of the star hanging on his bathroom door).

Movies/Theater.
George always frequents Lowe's Paragon 84th Street Cinema, and rents videos from Champagne Video.  Some of the movies he watched include:
Ponce de León
,
The Omen
Trilogy,
Rochelle, Rochelle
(a young girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk), and
Home Alone
.  George's first opera was
I, Paggliacci
, and after watching
Les Miserables
, the infectious song "Master of the House" kept resonating in his mind.

Dance/Music.
George would perform the flamenco (a Spanish dance) if it was popular in the United States--he has an affinity for it because it is the dance of a proud group of people.  George also likes Christian Rock because it is very positive, in contrast to traditional rock musicians who think
they
are cool and hip.

Sports

George loves baseball, and his life’s dream is to sit in the first row behind the dugout.  In 1990 George played on the Friends O'Clyde softball team and five years later was catcher for the Improv team.  His highlight was an inside-the-park home run that required decking Bette Midler at home plate.  George has a health club membership at New York Health Club.  He enjoys bowling, swimming, and skiing.  He plays basketball at the YMCA but often criticized for being a chucker because all he did was shoot.  George has other athletic qualities: he is really fast (but runs like a girl), strong (he can lift 100 pounds over his head without even knowing it), and can really bait a hook.

Apartment

Despite periodically living at home until his mid-30s, George was capable of paying $2,300 per month to lease an apartment on 321 West 86th Street.  The building had a doorman, Sammy, and the president of the tenants association was Mrs. Ricardi.  George hired a Portuguese cleaning lady and paid her $60 per week (excluding laundry or sexual favors).  George paid $25 to have his carpet cleaned by The Sunshine Carpet Cleaners, a reportedly crazy religious cult that brainwashes customers, and was disappointed when they never attempted a conversion.

George's apartment was once decorated with Jerry's urine-stained couch (with the cushion turned upside down), and a recliner with a built-in refrigerator fully stocked with Mug Root Beer, Sprite, Canada Dry, Pepsi, Coke, and Three Musketeer candy bars.  George loves television but avoids cable, especially the Naked Channel (because he would watch it 24 hours a day without eating or sleeping, and never leave his place--eventually firemen would have to break through the door and find him sitting there in his pajamas with drool on his face).  George's answering machine message is an adaptation of the "Theme from Greatest American Hero (Believe It or Not)" by Joey Scarbury, but George modified the lyrics to, "Believe it or not, George isn't at home...."

In December 1996 George attempted to move out of apartment #609 and across the hall into apartment #608, a two-bedroom with walk-in closet, hardwood floors, fireplace, and a bathroom that could fit 15 people.  Unfortunately, he had to compete with another tenant, Clarence Elderidge (apartment 8-C), a survivor if the
Andrea Doria
shipwreck.  George realizes that his entire life involves greater suffering than Elderidge, so he tells the astonishing tales of Costanza.  His anecdotes evoke tears, but Elaine's ex-boyfriend, Alan Mercer, receives the apartment by simply bribing the building superintendent.

Automobiles

George's 1976 Chevy Impala was totaled when a psychiatric patient plummeted 20 floors onto its roof.  Besides the cost of repair exceeding the value of the car, the hospital administrator, Mrs. Sweedler, refused to offer reimbursement.  The car was subsequently stolen by a "pigman" (a hospital psychiatric patient), so George began looking for a replacement vehicle.  He set his sights on a 1989 Volvo, but purchased a 1989 Chrysler LeBaron, 2-door convertible with vinyl roof and side paneling.  Despite vowing never to buy a convertible because of his balding, George could not resist after discovering that the previous owner was John Voight.  Unfortunately, the prior owner was not the actor, but a periodontist.  During the 12-month ownership, the car experienced a few minor glitches, which were exacerbated when Pop Lazzari began tinkering under the hood.  The car was totaled by an engine fire, and replaced with a 4-door Saab, license plate QAG 826.

George considers himself a great driver: he can make great left turns from the right lane, and conversely, great right turns from the left lane; he is adept at driving in reverse; and a master at parallel parking--it is an innate skill.  While engaging in on-street parking, George has an advanced system that involves looking for a dream spot in front of the building door, and then slowly expanding outward in concentric circles to search for the next-best parking space.  He refuses to park in a parking garage--no one in his family pays for parking--it's a sickness.  Instead, George stores his car at Jiffy Park on 12th Avenue for $75 a month, which is a shady business that allows other people to drive your car and hookers to turn tricks in the lot.  George had an opportunity for a parking spot in the Kinney lot for $50 per month, compliments of Gary Fogel, but lost the spot when Newman's car was impounded.

When it comes to driving, George is obsessed with reaching his destination in record time.  According to Jerry, George went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes; however, George recounts the tale as a 15-minute trip.  In addition, George feels exhilaration in effectuating the perfect airport pickup (i.e., planning everything in complete synchronicity).

Education

George attended a Brooklyn public school and graduated from J.F.K. high school.  His homeroom teacher was Miss Stafford, and the gym teacher, Mr. Heyman, purposely mispronounced George's last name as "Cantstandya."  Ironically, Heyman also taught hygiene class, even though his teeth resembled little baked beans.  Heyman gave George an "F" in gym, and made George’s life miserable--making him smell dirty gym socks, wear a jock on his head for the entire class, and giving him a wedgie.  When George reported the latter incident, Heyman was fired.  Two decades later, a homeless man resembling Heyman was sleeping on the library steps.  When George confronted the person to find out who caused his life's misfortune, Heyman responded by giving George an atomic wedgie.

George's old high school hangout was Mario's Pizza, which closed in May 1998.  George loved playing the Frogger video game--getting the frog across the street was his entire life--and maintained the high score of 860,630.  To preserve the record for posterity, he purchased the machine, and hired Slippery Pete to maintain an electrical connection so the score would not be erased.  Unfortunately, while crossing the street in Frogger-like fashion, George could not lift the game over the curb, and it was destroyed by an oncoming truck.

After high school, George attended Queens College, which provided the only fun in his life.  He was a goof-off with moxie and once cheated on a test by handing the examination out a window to a man named Lettick.  Despite a lackadaisical attitude about education, George applied to, and was accepted into, podiatry school.  He contemplated this profession because he has tremendous respect for people who work with feet, but never enrolled in classes.

While attending college, George was infatuated with Diane DeConn, the "It" girl.  To procure a date nearly two decades later, he pretends to be a marine biologist working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales, and boasts about returning from the Galapagos Islands where he lived with turtles.  While combing the seashore, he is coaxed into saving a beached whale.  Although terrified, George walks into the water, and that moment he
was
a marine biologist.  A wave hoisted him atop the giant mammal, while staring face-to-face with the blow hole, he reached inside and pulled out the obstruction--one of Kramer's Titleist golf balls--a hole-in-one!  George and Diane hug and kiss, so he decides to tell her the truth.  Naturally, she responds by saying, "Go to hell!" and walks away.

Friends

All of George's friends take pleasure in the misfortune of others.  His most obvious and lasting friendship involved Jerry Seinfeld.  George and Jerry have been friends since the fourth grade, after Jerry won a fight between the future lifelong friends.  However, if they had a fight as adults, Elaine believes that George would win because he fights dirty--pulling hair, poking eyes, groin stuff, whatever it takes.  During childhood, George was jealous of Jerry's summer camp friend, Frankie Merman, because he was the summer George.  In response, George fabricated a summer Jerry, named Whitey Fisk, who presumably snuck George into the movie
Last Tango in Paris
.  They are such good friends that George would not notify the authorities if Jerry killed someone.

George developed a non-sexual crush on his only cool friend, Tony (Elaine's boyfriend).  George attempted to arrange quality time for the two of them, but the friendship soured after a rock climbing accident caused Tony to experience severe facial disfigurement.

Jason "Stanky" Hanke enters the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program, so George relishes the opportunity to hear Hanke's step-9 apology.  At a New Year's party, Hanke did not allow George to borrow a cashmere sweater because of his concern that George's bulbous head would stretch the neck hole.  Hanke apologizes sarcastically, so George seeks an apology for the apology.  After speaking with Hanke's sponsor, George is invited to participate in Rageaholics Anonymous.  George continues harassing Hanke, which infuriates him enough to begin attending Rageaholics Anonymous.

Simons receives insider information from Wilkenson, who made a fortune in the stock market.  Wilkenson recommends investing in Centrax because the company is introducing a new technique for televising operas.  George invests $5,000, and becomes nervous when the stock dips 4 ½ points in three days (he does not perform well under pressure and his only gambling success was winning $50 in roulette in Atlantic City).  Fortunately, the market rebounded and George made an $8,000 profit.  The next stock tip was Tramco Corporation, out of Springfield, Massachusetts, which was introducing a robot butcher.

Another friend (Adam) had a cube face and flat head.  Ever since his wedding in October 1990, women began sexually propositioning him.  In response, George tests the supposition by attending a party, sporting a wedding band, and prating about his fictitious wife, an entomologist.  He was unsuccessful.

At Bobby Leighton's wedding in 1986, George delivered the first celebratory toast laced with curse words, and it may have been one of the worst all-time toasts.  The bride's father, Harold Reichman, put George in a headlock and ejected him from the wedding reception.

Employment

According to George, he had so much promise as a lad--he was personable, bright (though not academically), and perceptive.  He could sense the slightest human suffering, and always knew when someone was uncomfortable at a party.  Moreover, he could sense whether someone liked him, especially women.

As a youngster, George aspired to become a ventriloquist but his father disapproved, while his mother wanted him to take the civil service examination.  Of all the possible pretend occupations, George wanted to be an architect (he once feigned designing railroads and a new addition to the Guggenheim building).  As for actual jobs, George was a waiter at a fat camp and worked one summer at Dairy Queen (he used to cool his feet in the soft serve machine).  He only purchased two 40-short business suits: the $350 Mo Ginsberg suit was stolen by a woman during a hotel rendezvous, and the half-price Rinitze suit would swoosh when he walked.