Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (26 page)

The Perfect Job.
Besides architecture, George is interested in being an NFL coach, general manager of a baseball team, sports announcer color man (because he always makes interesting comments during the games), movie projectionist, talk show host, history professor (he likes the civil war), or stable boy (he likes horses).  George would also like to work in the coast guard because there is a lot of pride and tradition; however, he would have to be a land guy--the guy who unhooks the boat from the dock--because of his seasickness.

Real Estate.
George commenced employment as a residential real estate salesperson for Rick-Barr Properties, a business established in April 1981.  George's despicable boss, Rick Levitan, looked like a blowfish, was sexist, unfaithful to his wife, and did not recycle.  When Levitan distributed a memo advising everyone to cease using his private bathroom and start using the restroom shared with Pace Electronics, George barged into Levitan's office, insulted him, and quit.  After realizing the mistake, George decides to return to work as if nothing ever happened.  The ploy fails and he is humiliated by his former boss.  George exacts vengeance by slipping a mickey in Levitan's drink at the company Christmas party.

After seven months of unemployment, George found another real estate position.  Unfortunately, a romantic escapade with coworker Ava became too burdensome.  She was a divorcee who sexually propositioned him during an office party.  They began dating, which caused considerable anxiety because every workday was like a date.  George decided the best solution was to quit his job.

Transitional Phase.
George found a temporary one-week position parking cars on alternate sides of the street.  While Sid was vacationing in Virginia, George single-handedly destroyed the business by triple-parking cars, causing intersection gridlock, and damaging an ambulance with Jerry's rental car.

Despite George's incompetence, in 1991 Elaine offered him a proofreader position at Pendant Publishing.  He expressed gratitude by giving her an irregular cashmere sweater that was marked down from $600 to $80 because of a barely noticeable red dot.  George loved the job and stayed late, but trouble arose after having sex on the desk with the office cleaning lady.  He was unsure whether it was the Hennigan's scotch or ammonia, but pretty soon Evie, a Panamanian cleaning woman, began mopping the floor with him.  When she began pushing for a serious relationship, George tried to buy her silence by offering her the irregular cashmere sweater.  The bribe failed, and Evie reported the incident to George's supervisor, who personally delivered the walking papers.

George continues interviewing for jobs and begins worrying about the expiration of unemployment benefits.  With only two weeks remaining, he visits the New York State Department of Labor to request a 13-week extension.  Agency representative Lenore Sokol insists upon the name of one company that denied his application for employment, so George claims it was a salesman position at Vandelay Industries, a latex manufacturer located on 129 West 81st Street (Jerry's apartment).  When Kramer botches the confirmation call, George resorts to plan B--dating Mrs. Sokol's daughter (Carrie).  He wines and dines her at McDonald's, and after two dates, she dumps George because he has no job and no prospects--he was like Biff Loman.  Finally, George appeals to Mrs. Sokol's love of baseball.  While admiring her 1986 New York Mets autographed baseball, George promises to introduce her to Keith Hernandez.  The plan fails, and that was strike three, so George is denied unemployment benefits.

George's biggest break was being hired as a hand model for Specialty Models.  Elsa Carlisle found his hands exquisite--smooth, creamy, and delicate, yet masculine--and offered him employment.  Only former model Ray McKigney had better hands.  Ray could have had any woman in the world but no one could match the beauty of his own hand, which became his one true love.  Eventually the muscles became strained with overuse and permanently locked into a deformed claw.  Soon he was unable to manipulate utensils and became dependent upon Cub Scouts to feed him.  George began modeling watches and dating beautiful women, but it ended abruptly when he was pushed by Kramer's girlfriend and accidentally grasped a hot clothes iron.

His next interview is for a bra salesman position at E.D. Granmont.  Phil Kassikoff is impressed and hires George, but the termination is equally swift when George boldly caresses the jacket of Ellen De Granmont, the company owner.  George then interviews with Sanalac, a rest stop supply business, which is perfect considering George's bathroom obsession.  The interviewer, Mr. Tuttle, appreciates not having to explain everything, but George leaves the office not knowing whether he is hired.  Tuttle's last statement was, "I'd really like you to have this job, but of course...."  George decides to show up for work, selects the smaller office (room 808), and tackles the Pensky file.  After one week, Arthur Pensky extends an equally ambiguous offer of employment, so George quits Sanalac.  Unfortunately, Pensky and the board of directors were being indicted and prohibited from doing business until the investigation was complete.  Once again, George is without a job.

After three months of unemployment, George has a second interview with MacKenzie, who could not tolerate dissent.  Naturally, George is not hired when he refuses to join MacKenzie and the other executives in consuming a tainted chocolate cream pie (prepared by a vengeful chef).

Employment - Television Writer

While engaging in negotiations for a television pilot, George informs NBC executives that he wrote an off off-Broadway play called
La Cocina
, a comedy about a Mexican chef, Pepe, who mimes cooking onstage.  NBC extends a standard $13,000 offer, but George wants at least $50,000 because Ted Danson is paid substantially more.  When NBC president Russell Dalrymple cancels the "Jerry" pilot, George backpedals to Dalrymple's apartment to negotiate a new deal, and settles for $8,000.  Once filming begins, George becomes obsessed with the Kramer actor stealing a box of raisins during the audition, and causes a stir after confronting him about the incident.

The pilot finally airs in May 1993, but NBC declines picking it up.  Despite cancellation of the series, George uses his connections with the New York Yankees and Jerry's comedic popularity abroad to resurrect the series.  George arranges a meeting with Japanese television, namely NBC (Nakahama Broadcast Corporation), to discuss picking up the defunct pilot.  Unfortunately, network executives did not consider the pilot humorous, and the futile attempt to revive the sitcom goes unabated.

Five years later, NBC signs the "Jerry" series to a 13-episode commitment, and allows the series' creators to use the network's private jet.  Naturally, George is displeased with the Learjet because Ted Danson would have received a better plane.

Although unrelated to the "Jerry" pilot, George devised an unscripted "L.A. Law" story line.  In this episode a recent boyfriend is supposed to feed his girlfriend's cat while she is out of town.  The guy forgets, and the cat starves to death.  The woman demands a new cat but he insists that the cat was old and died of natural causes.  He offers to find a replacement cat by looking near the outside garbage, and insists upon an autopsy report to verify the cause of death.

Employment - New York Yankees

Ever since childhood, George dreamed of having a job with the New York Yankees.  During the employment interview, he is completely honest about his work history and criticizes Steinbrenner for ruining the Yankees over the last 20 years.  George is immediately hired as the assistant to the traveling secretary whose duties include organizing the itinerary for away games and booking hotels for the players.

Another employment assignment was giving a lecture on risk management and analysis (George listed this area of expertise on his résumé).  In preparation for the lecture, he purposely fails a vision test to qualify for books on audiotape, and then finds a protégée to read and summarize the book.  An additional assignment was becoming a baseball scout when management was notified that George was a communist.  In anticipation of tapping into the fertile Cuban baseball talent, Steinbrenner sends George south to scout a southpaw named Rodriguez.

One of George's most infamous organizational decisions was changing the players' uniforms.  Since polyester is not a natural fiber and traps heat, George postulated that the players would play better in cotton.  The players eased to victory in the new uniforms, however, the following game they were shellacked because the uniforms shrunk in the laundry and the undersized garments constrained the players.

One perk of the position was hiring a personal secretary.  George searched for total efficiency and ability, and refused to hire any attractive females, so he offered the position to Ada.  Ironically, he became physically attracted to her secretarial adeptness.  After three days of employment, they had sex on the office floor, and he promised her a raise.  Steinbrenner approved a $25,000 increase, which offended George because now she earned more money than him.

George's telephone extension was 5170 and the office had a large bay window.  Although the facility was not conducive to napping, the underside of his desk was perfect.  He hired a carpenter, Conrad, to maximize head room and install a shelf, drawer and cup holder.  George stuffed the desk with an alarm clock, blanket,
Playboy
magazines, Chewy Runts candy, and an assortment of candy bars.

Every employment environment has a coworker nemesis, and George's white whale was Reilly, who relentlessly teased George about various personal idiosyncrasies.  On one occasion, Reilly observed George inhaling shrimp and said, "Hey George, the ocean called--they're running out of you."  By the time George devised the perfect comeback, Reilly was working for Firestone in Akron, Ohio.  Vengefulness holds no boundaries, so George flew to Akron to deliver the comeback but the punch line backfired.

After several blunders, George created a volatile relationship with his boss, Mr. Morgan.  Once he accidentally excluded Morgan's signature from an organization birthday card for Mr. Steinbrenner.  In another incident, he mentioned that Morgan, an African-American, resembled Sugar Ray Leonard, and then George had to fabricate having a black friend to prove he was not racist.  Finally, when Morgan was under scrutiny for idleness and oversleeping, George offered assistance because he did not want Morgan's position--more work, greater responsibility, and very little pay.  Unfortunately, George was responsible for Morgan's termination because he recommended a wake-up service that proved unreliable.  After Morgan was fired, George was promoted as assistant to the general manager.  After the promotion, George spent considerable energy looking busy and pretending to be annoyed.  Management thought he was under too much stress, so they assigned George to entertain representatives from the Houston Astros to discuss interleague play.

George's best career move was locking his keys in the car at work.  Yankee management believed he was working around the clock, which made him a front-runner for a promotion as assistant to the general manager.  George figured that his presence in the office would only hurt his chances, so he decided to spend a few days at the Ross' cabin.  Regrettably, when management observed his damaged car at the stadium, they believed he was dead and hired someone else.

While working for the Yankees, George moonlighted by selling plyometric vertical leap training shoes with a health club acquaintance, Jimmy.  They became business partners but a slip-and-fall injury prevented Jimmy from illustrating his vertical leap.  Once George became actively involved, the business venture failed.  In the meantime, George was overheard selling athletic shoes and suspected of stealing equipment from the Yankee organization.

Although George was never terminated, at one point he purposely provoked management into firing him.  In 1997 George was approached by front office executives from the New York Mets regarding a position as Director of Scouting.  However, league rules forbid the Mets from making an employment offer while George was under contract with another team, so he had to get fired prior to finalizing the deal.  George was confident but wanted to leave his mark and go out in style.  Despite every effort--ruining Babe Ruth's original jersey, streaking in a flesh-tone body stocking during a Yankee's baseball game, and dragging the World Series trophy behind his car while verbally insulting the team--George's supervisor, Mr. Wilhelm, took the blame, was fired, and joined the Mets as Director of Scouting.

With Wilhelm's departure, George ascended the managerial ladder by assuming the vacant position.  He received a new office and higher salary, while his old position was filled by an intern from Francis Lewis High who worked on Mondays after school.  The promotion was short-lived, however, when Steinbrenner learned that George was moonlighting for Tyler Chicken in Arkansas.  Steinbrenner negotiated a trade with Don Tyler and in exchange for George, Yankee concession stands would be converted to serve all-chicken products--chicken dogs, chicken twists, and alcoholic chicken.  After the trade, George received a three-month severance package from the Yankees, which finalized a three-year employment stint.  According to George, keeping the same job for all three years was not all luck--he regularly perused his personnel file to weed out the negative information.

Play Now

George signed a one-year employment contract with Play Now, a playground equipment business, despite the company president, Mr. Thomassoulo, mistakenly believing that George was handicapped.  After receiving a 16th-floor office with a great view, a private, fully-equipped bathroom, and a chair-escalator, George refused to reveal the truth.  According to George's rationale, he has always been handicapped, and was finally getting the recognition he deserved.  Moreover, he had nothing that put him in an advantageous position over anyone, including handicapped people.  After George was observed walking, he was asked to resign, but refused because he had good pay, dental insurance, and a great handicap toilet.