Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (32 page)

Kramer and Newman collaborated on a couple business ventures.  The first was selling used records to Bleecker Bob's Records (though Newman claims it was Ron's Records on Bleecker).  Unfortunately, their records--
Don Ho Live in Honolulu
,
Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs
, and
Sergio Mendez
--are not financial gold mines.  Offended at the purchase price, they insult the store owner, and the ensuing brouhaha causes the records to break.  The other enterprise was returning refundable cans to Michigan for the ten cent deposit.  Kramer did all the calculations but nothing worked, until Newman takes possession of a mail truck, which lowers their overhead costs.  While traveling the interstate, Kramer effectively dissolves the partnership by dumping the cargo (and Newman) to chase after the man who stole Jerry's automobile.

Kramer's third business partner was Morty Seinfeld.  They collaborate to sell vintage Executive raincoats to Rudy's used clothing store.  Morty contacts his neighbor to send the garments, which only results in delays and the raincoats arriving in disarray.  In the end, Rudy refuses to purchase the garments, so the partnership dissolves.

Utilizing Frank Costanza's connections to the undergarment world, a new partnership is born designing a support undergarment for men.  Kramer designs the "bro," and after adding a Velcro back so women can easily remove the garment during intimate moments, the product name changes to "manssiere."

Kramer was involved in two literary ventures.  He authors the manuscript, "The Coffee Table Book of Coffee Tables" (Pendant Publishing 1995), which discusses the history of coffee tables, as well as celebrities and their coffee tables.  Kramer conceives the book concept while skiing.  The book has folding legs attached to the back cover so the book also functions as a coffee table with coasters on the cover.  Kramer appears on "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" but the book tour is quickly canceled after he spits hot coffee on the hosts.  When a Hollywood bigwig options the book for a movie adaptation, Kramer decides to retire from the daily grind because he accomplished everything he set out to do.

In the other literary success, Kramer's life becomes the factual source for J. Peterman's autobiography.  Peterman pays $750 for the stories, which means Kramer is barred from reciting the tales to anyone.  After purchasing Newman's unimpressive bunion anecdotes for $8.00, Kramer yearns for his life stories and reclaims the rights from Peterman.  When Peterman publishes the autobiography (using Kramer’s stories), Kramer starts The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour, a three-hour yellow school bus tour for $37.50, which includes a pizza bagel and a bite-sized Three Musketeer candy bar.  (The reality bus tour is a parody of Kenny Kramer's real-life business venture to capitalize on the success of "Seinfeld.")

Kramer purchased a chicken so he could eat cage-free farm-fresh eggs, but the low egg production led him to believe the chicken was a rooster.  Kramer named the rooster Little Jerry Seinfeld and arranged a cockfight at Marcelino's store.  Kramer thought cockfighting involved the roosters wearing gloves and helmets like "American Gladiators."  After winning the fight in two seconds, Kramer thought Jerry was jealous because Little Jerry represented the unlimited future that Jerry once had, and Little Jerry was doing more with his name than Jerry ever will.  In the next bout, Marcelino suggested Little Jerry take a dive in the third round.  When Kramer and Jerry refused, he imported a rooster from Ecuador with a record of 68-0, so Kramer dove into the ring to save Little Jerry.

Business Ideas & Inventions

One of Kramer's most successful inventions is The Beach, a cologne fragrance that captures the ocean's aroma.  In January 1992 he contacted Steve D'Giff, from the marketing department at Calvin Klein, who rejected the idea because no one would pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and seaweed.  Despite rejecting the idea, less than one year later Calvin Klein began marketing The Ocean.

Kramer designed a bladder system for tankers--a rubber lining inside oil tankers so oil will not spill in the event the hull is damaged.  He tested the idea using rubber balls from Play Now.  Jerry packed a six-hour videotape to record the experiment, arrest and most of the trial.  When Kramer dropped the ball, it hit Jerry's girlfriend, Claire, who subsequently filed a lawsuit and bankrupted Play Now.

There have been numerous other ideas, and here is a sampling of Kramer's most infamous concepts: a restaurant called "PB & J" that serves only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; a roll-out tie dispenser; replacing the napkin with a mouth vacuum; communicating telepathically by thinking of someone and then speed dialing their brain; ketchup and mustard in the same bottle; remodeling the Cloud Club, a restaurant atop the Chrysler building; 2.9% financing on Toyota one-ton trucks; cars equipped with periscopes to assist in urban traffic navigation; and a more efficient fire truck route to reach destinations.

Unique Views

Kramer believes that the carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since the invention of one-hour Martinizing.  Other scams include the Dewey Decimal System, and UNICEF is the perfect cover for a money-laundering operation.  According to Kramer, the alternative media indicates that agencies offering volunteer work for senior citizens are a front for money-laundering schemes or bunko artists bilking people of their life savings.

Kramer believes that handicapped people do not drive; if they could drive they would not be handicapped.  In fact, they want to be treated like everybody else and do not want special parking spots.  In addition, Kramer claims that hit-and-run drivers are mentally disturbed and should be sent to Australia (where England sends their convicts).

In May 1997 Kramer began preparing for a millennium party by storing folding chairs, party poppers, and helium balloons in Jerry's apartment.  When Newman preempted the party by mailing invitations, Kramer was solicited to cohost the Newmannium party without Jerry.  When Elaine refused to attend, the party hosts reached a compromise that allowed Jerry's presence.

Kramer relies upon the power of the mind to replace common household items, such as a wristwatch.  He does not trust alarms so he uses a mental alarm clock.  According to Kramer, the body has an internal mechanism that innately knows the time of day; he merely programs his head for a certain time to awaken.  In similar fashion, Kramer does not wear a watch, and instead estimates the time by looking at the sun (and can usually estimate the time within one hour; since nighttime is more difficult, he usually waits until dawn).  Kramer's brain also works as an electronic organizer.  He keeps appointments in his head and makes mental notes of birthday presents for friends.

Employment

Although Kramer is rarely ever employed, he did have numerous odd jobs, part-time employment, and seasonal occupations.  At one point he was a lifeguard, and earned $50 per session as a police lineup decoy (in the third lineup, he was identified as the suspect in a jewelry store burglary).

Kramer was a seat filler for the Tony Awards ceremony.  When
Scarsdale Surprise
wins Best Musical award, Kramer is ushered onstage to receive a Tony Award.  Afterwards, he is allowed to keep the award, provided he fires Raquel Welch from the show.  Kramer complies, but then she broke his Tony Award.

In 1997, after a 12-year strike, a settlement is reached and Kramer returns to work as a Bagel Technician at H & H Bagels.  The strike originated when workers demanded $5.35 per hour, which is the current federal minimum wage.  Kramer never mentioned the strike because he was embarrassed about being unemployed.  Naturally, he is the only person who returns to the job, and then refuses to work on December 23rd because he wants to celebrate Festivus with the Costanzas.  When management refuses, Kramer returns to the picket line to fight for the right to celebrate new holidays.  Kramer ultimately concedes defeat when he has to use the business restroom (so he skips Festivus to work a double-shift).  Shortly thereafter, he is fired for accidentally spitting bubble gum into the bagel dough.

Kramer retained seasonal employment as Santa Claus at Coleman's Department Store.  However, upon learning that the Bloomfield's Santas were paid twice as much, Kramer starts dispensing communist ideological propaganda, and is fired.

Another temporary job was operating a handsome cab business for his friend, Dennis.  For one week, Kramer offered guided horse and carriage tours of New York City.  The venture fails miserably when the horse, Rusty, develops intestinal discomfort and extreme flatulence after eating cans of Beef-A-Reeno.

Acting

Kramer's acting technique involves working with color, and then finding the emotional vibrational mood that is connected to the color.  Every script line is color-coded, so he memorizes colors, not language, and always has a full palette of emotions at his fingertips.  Kramer believes that understudies are shifty people, and considers them the substitute teachers of the theater world.

While observing the filming of a Woody Allen movie, Kramer is invited to play a crowd-scene extra who walks down the street carrying a bag of groceries.  When he trips and the groceries are tossed about, Woody starts laughing and gives Kramer a line in the movie.  In the scene, Kramer is seated at the bar, turns to Woody and says, "These pretzels are making me thirsty."  On the second rehearsal Kramer slams the beer mug onto the bar, the glass shatters, and a shard hit Woody, who proceeds to cry.  Kramer thought he really nailed that scene but instead is fired.

Thereafter, Kramer yearns for an acting career and moves to California.  For three months he resides in Los Angeles, living in hotel room 1A on 1648 North Las Palmas.  One neighbor, Helene, had been engaged to Mickey Rooney who left her at the altar.  She appeared in The Three Stooges 1934 short film
Sappy Pappies
as the secretary to Mr. Sugarman (Curly), and has been unemployed ever since.

While residing in California, Kramer attends auditions for music videos, horror movies, exercise tapes and infomercials.  According to Kramer, he had numerous auditions, call-backs, and interest in his movie treatment entitled "The Keys."  The treatment is about an evil ogre divesting magical keys from the young handsome prince who is then cast out into the cruel world.  Kramer attempts to peddle the treatment to Hollywood producers, and believes Fred Savage is perfect for the part.

At one of the auditions Kramer meets Chelsea Lange, an aspiring actress whose manager is negotiating a miniseries with West German television for a role as Eva Braun, Hitler's girlfriend.  When she is found murdered and in possession of Kramer's treatment, he becomes a suspect in the Los Angeles smog stranglings.  During intensive interrogation by Lt. Martel, Kramer weeps uncontrollably but is ultimately released when another body is found at Laurel Canyon.

Kramer's California experience was miserable, but he loved the warm weather.  Upon returning to New York, Kramer is hired as Calvin Klein's underwear model, though his auspicious magazine advertising debut inadvertently revealed his genitalia.

Despite experience acting in a "Murphy Brown" episode, where he played Steven Snell, Murphy's new secretary, Kramer is denied the opportunity to play the role of Kramer in the television series "Jerry."  Nevertheless, Kramer auditions for the pilot using the alias Martin Van Nostrand but is never considered for the part because of a dire intestinal contraction that preempts the audition.  In his final television appearance, Kramer is a stand-in actor for the soap opera "All My Children," where he played the father to an 8-year-old boy.

In 1998 Kramer is hired by Mount Sinai Hospital to portray various disease symptoms to help medical students diagnose ailments.  He receives the disease gonorrhea, and turns the disease into a spectacle.  Unfortunately, after an awe-inspiring performance, Kramer is typecast as the gonorrhea actor.

Friends - Mickey Abbott

Mickey Abbott is approximately 4'0" tall, married four times, and has two kids in college.  His parents are average height, and his father is a dental professor who taught Jerry’s friend, Tim Whatley.  Mickey worked as a stand-in for an 8-year-old boy on "All My Children."  When the lad grew one-half inch in a month, Mickey became concerned about job security.  He is convinced to use lifts, which is anathema to the code amongst little people.  Mickey's arch rival, Johnny, is envious of Mickey's credentials as a stand-in actor for big-name stars, such as Ricky Schroeder, the Cosby kids, Macauley Culkin, and Punky Brewster.  When the other actors discover the lifts, Mickey is ostracized by his peers.

Mickey finds temporary seasonal employment as Santa's elf at Coleman's Department Store but is fired after Kramer begins dispensing communist propaganda to customers and children.  In another temporary job, Mickey was hired as a seat filler for the Tony Awards ceremony.  Despite all the jobs, he always maintains a fall-back occupation as a paralegal.

Like Kramer, Mickey had an acting gig at Mount Sinai Hospital to perform disease symptoms so medical students could diagnose illnesses.  In the first round, he receives the Hamlet of diseases--bacterial meningitis.  In the second performance, he portrays cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice.

Mickey auditioned for the Actor's Studio by performing a scene from
Flesh Wounds in Ithaca
by Terence Klufer.  Kramer is his scene partner and nearly ruins the audition when he is unable to sit because his jeans were too tight.  Mickey is accepted into the Actor's Studio, and also becomes a member of the academy.

Friends - Miscellaneous

Bob Sacamano lives in New Jersey, though at one point lived with Kramer for a year and a half.  He works at a condom factory in Edison, and made a fortune conceiving the idea to connect a ball and paddle with a rubber band.  Bob received a variety of medical treatments: a permanent high-pitched voice caused by a hospital hernia operation, rabies, and shock treatments that were ineffective because of his unusually large synapses.