Sellout (13 page)

Red and Tilly looked at each other and smiled.

“We didn’t know nothing about each other,” Tilly continued. “I just knew I couldn’t stand her. And she couldn’t stand me, either.”

The girls and I stared at Tilly and Red. It was hard to imagine the two fighting like Quiana and Monique and I were now. They were so close these days. I wondered what huge event had made them become friends. I could tell the others were thinking the same thing.

“We didn’t even speak, just started fighting,” Red said, taking over. “It almost got us kicked out of here, too. We were on our way to juvenile hall before we realized what we were doing. It was a bunch of silliness.”

Tilly had run away from home a few times and her parents finally called the police on her. Red’s story involved more serious crimes, but they both ended up at Amber’s Place together. They each shared a little of their story.

Tilly’s words stung. Hearing my grandmother spill her dirty laundry was embarrassing for me, especially in front of these girls. Tilly should have told me this stuff before, like back in Adams Park, or at least in the privacy of her apartment.

“It wasn’t long before we had to sit down and work together,” Tilly said. “The director at the time gave us a job to do and forced us to team up. There wasn’t any person I wanted to get away from more, trust me. After awhile, we started talking and really got to know each other. The rest is history, I guess.”

“That don’t mean the same is going to happen with us,” Quiana jumped in.

Tilly sat back, crossed one leg over the other, and folded her arms. I’d never seen her sit like that and she didn’t really look comfortable at all. One leg looked like a dead tree limb, pushing the rest of the trunk over on its side.

“True, but who is to say it won’t?” Tilly shot back. We looked around the circle at one another. Everyone looked back at me, except Monique. She was either asleep or really embarrassed.

“Maybe I should have told you girls earlier, but I didn’t bring NaTasha here just by chance,” Tilly said, completely shocking me. I didn’t want to be talked about at all, and certainly not like I wasn’t in the room. “She hasn’t had the opportunity to find herself in the small, suburban town that she lives in, like you girls here in the city. The good Lord gave each of you a story, a different and unique story worth telling, and I believe He’s giving you all a chance to figure it out together, just like me and Red here. It would be a real shame for you girls to keep on acting a fool and miss out.”

A few more heads bowed and I wondered if Tilly would break out in prayer. She had done it before, so no one in the room would be surprised if she did.

“Tilly’s right, ladies,” Red said. “It is up to you to take the bull by the horns and make this work. Let’s make this ceremony the very best it can be.”

This was too much. Tilly was using me as an example. She and Red were talking about me like I wasn’t even in the room. These girls had already done a good job of alienating me. Now my own flesh and blood was making it worse for me.

Red ran through a list of what we needed to prepare. I pulled a pen from my back pocket and wrote everything down.

“So, let’s make a list of what you want to see at your reception,” I said flatly. My voice was shaky.

“At my mom’s graduation from City College, there were fancy tablecloths,” Susan said. “She got to wear a robe, too. They had catered food from some big-time restaurant and they each got an invitation in the mail. They even had a prayer service and some of the graduates gave speeches.”

“Sending out invitations?” Rochelle said, shoving Quiana next to her. “I ain’t graduated from nothing in my life before that needed invitations.”

A few of the girls giggled.

“Of course we can get invitations, Rochelle,” Red said. “That’s a great idea. Does anyone else have ideas?”

“You
know
I can do a prayer,” Tilly said. Tilly could pray about anything at any time. The girls laughed. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Shaunda unfolding a piece of paper. “And, Monique,” Tilly added, “we could have you do the speech, give someone else a chance to talk for a change.”

Tilly looked right at Quiana, who twisted her face up after realizing the joke was on her. She smiled, though.

“No, I can’t do all that,” Monique said, with her head still bowed. “I get too nervous. Everyone will laugh at me.”

“They’re gonna laugh alright,” Quiana said. “Maybe about how you look, but not about what’s coming out of your mouth.”

Everyone laughed at that. The girls sounded excited. Tilly looked at me and winked.

“I could help you write something,” I offered to Monique. Quiana and Rochelle clammed up right away, but Monique looked interested. Quiana wrapped her arm around Monique, pulling her close like I was trying to steal her friend away.

“I can help, too,” Quiana said with a challenging stare. I’d have to catch Monique later when her bodyguards weren’t around.

“This is going to be great, ladies.” Red said. “Who else has ideas?”

“What about an awards ceremony?” Shaunda asked, reading from her list. “Or a dance and a speech?”

So that’s what her paper was all about. I nodded my head and wrote down her suggestions onto my own list. Now we were getting somewhere.

“Yeah, like an award for who used skin bleach the longest without anyone knowing?” Quiana whispered. Shaunda refolded her list and put it back in her pocketbook.

“Okay, Quiana, that’s enough,” Red said. “I’m glad most of you are on board to help NaTasha. It is my hope the rest of you will follow suit or the jokes will be all mine. I assure you.”

Red dismissed us dramatically, pretending to call each name as if the girls were already onstage. The girls waved and bowed, then started gathering their belongings and moved the chairs back into place. The meeting had gone well, much better than I thought it would.

“Think about all we’ve talked about,” Red said. “The more you plan, the better your ceremony will be. And, NaTasha,
Monique, and Quiana, you three may want to meet over the weekend sometime to exchange more ideas.”

Red was pushing it.

“Yeah, we’ll see, Red,” Quiana said, before walking out of the room.

Sounded like my weekend plans of relaxing with Tilly had changed. Tilly grabbed my hand and we followed the others out of the room.

TILLY SENT ME outside early on Saturday morning. No grocery list, just told me to get some fresh air. It was early, but I wasn’t the first one out. The neighborhood was bustling with people.

Store owners were lifting the iron security bars on their front doors and the street vendors were setting up for a long day of selling. I found Rex out on the corner.

“Good morning, Rex,” I called out as I passed the bodega. He was leaning on a cardboard box, his cart not far away. He peeled a banana and waved it at me.

“It is a good morning, miss lady,” he said, in between mouthfuls. I waited for him to keep talking. “How are the girls treating you up in the boogie down Bronx?”

“They’re treating me just fine, Rex,” I told him, thinking that overall they treated me horribly, but it was much better than the first few days I’d been there. I waved and kept moving. I was headed toward Central Park, where I was going to wander around until I was lost, and then try and find my way back home again. “Things may actually be looking up soon.”

I paused and glanced toward the bodega.

“Well, that’s good, Miss NaTasha,” Rex said, leaning with me to see what I was looking at. He smiled. When he’d finished off the banana, he tossed it into a nearby trash bin. “He ain’t working today.”

“Who are you talking about?” I asked him, while he stood up and pushed his cart off in the direction of Tilly’s building. “I was just trying to remember if we needed anything for dinner tonight.”

He didn’t stop pushing or turn around, just raised his arm up in the air and kept walking. He thought I’d really be looking into a store for that boy. Can’t a girl check the aisles in a store for no reason at all?

I walked the few blocks toward the park, letting the wind blow my hair across my face. Tilly had helped me wash and blow-dry it last night. It resembled Bozo the Clown’s, without the orange coloring. Tilly said it looked good, so I left it alone. My friends at home wouldn’t be able to even recognize me. Since I’d arrived in Harlem I’d seen so many different hairstyles. No one looked the same. Here, my natural hair blended right in.

I rounded a trail that led to the top of a hill and looked out across an open field. By the time I got to the top, the sun had fully risen and spread its rays through the trees, creating shadows all around my feet. There was a small wooden bench, with slightly broken pieces. I sat down and got comfortable.

I took in all the sounds. They were sounds I used to hear back home, kids playing in the field below, leaves whispering
in my ears, and birds singing songs from the trees above me. At Tilly’s, most of the sounds were loud neighbors arguing in the street, police sirens blaring, screeching subway trains, honking taxis, and drivers with foul mouths. I thought about sitting in the park all day long. Tilly would probably enjoy her freedom without me under her feet for a few hours.

“Hey, stranger, I haven’t seen you around in a few days.”

I turned to the voice. It was Amir. He looked different in street clothes, without a white apron and butcher’s hat on. His white T-shirt and baggy, khaki shorts were soaked with sweat and stuck to his body. He looked good.

I smiled and waved at him.

“How’s it going?” he asked, wiping his brow.

“Still here,” I said. I knew it was a silly thing to say as it came from my mouth, but it came out anyway. Of course I was there, with an old shirt on, no makeup anywhere on my face, and wild Bozo the Clown hair. I was glad he hadn’t kept running past like he didn’t recognize me. “I don’t leave until the end of next week. You know I wouldn’t leave without saying good-bye.”

Amir smiled and walked closer to me.

“Good to know,” he said. “Is it okay if I sit?”

Of course it was okay. He could have asked to lie across my lap and it would have been A-OK with me. I nodded my head and made space for him.

We sat in silence for a while, but I couldn’t hear the birds, the leaves, or the kids laughing anymore. I couldn’t hear anything, except Amir breathing heavily in and out right next to
me. Our shoulders touched slightly. His skin felt nice, like a flower.

I hadn’t been this close to a boy since Mr. Cook’s science class. My partner, Hank Andrews, had a reputation for blowing up science experiments. He would sit close to me and say “watch this” and then light something on fire. Hank smelled like eggs. Amir smelled nothing like Hank.

When Amir looked away, I leaned closer to smell him.

“That bad, huh?” he said, catching me and laughing. He sniffed his armpit and made a face. “Yeah, it’s bad. I don’t always smell this good, I’ve been running for almost an hour already.”

“No, no, it isn’t that,” I laughed. “Just making sure it wasn’t Hank and eggs.”

“Eggs?” he asked suspiciously.

“Never mind,” I said, looking back out across the field. This was nice, me and Amir, in the park. I could stay up here all day long. “Do you run that long every day?”

“I try to,” he said, relaxing again. “It’s good exercise. It gives me an excuse to get out of the store and hang in the park. I do my best work up here.”

I could feel Amir’s eyes on me, like a zoomed-in telescope, only he was close enough to touch. I was happy to have his attention. I put up my hand to block his view and he laughed.

“You’re beautiful,” he said quietly. I wanted to pretend I didn’t hear him the first time, so he’d say it again. “I don’t mean to stare, but you are.”

Beautiful.
Only my mom and dad and Tilly had ever said that to me, and they didn’t really count. Somehow it sounded different coming from Amir’s mouth, more meaningful, sweeter even. I watched him for a minute. I liked the strong line of his jawbone and the small hairs around his top lip.

“Thank you,” I said. He kept his eyes on me, dark, round, and powerful eyes, like he was examining every inch of my body. I was drawn in by their power and wanted to know more about him, his whole life story. A small scream from the trail nearby jolted us back to the park.

A little boy tripped in front of us and fell onto a rock. His left roller skate was stuck and he wiggled his ankle back and forth until it was free. The boy rubbed his sore knees and let Amir pull him up so he was standing again.

“Hey, you okay, little guy?” Amir asked. “Be careful going back down the hill.”

The kid smiled and rolled back to meet his family, who had stopped to wait for him not far away. His parents waved and mouthed “thank you.” Amir came back and sat down next to me, closer than he had been before, and nudged me with his shoulder. I dramatically pretended to fall off my side of the bench. He laughed and pulled me closer to him with both arms.

“My hero,” I sang, teasing him.

“Oh, yeah?” he asked. “So, I guess now I get a reward, huh?”

The hairs on my arm stood straight up and rubbed against his and tickled me like feathers. All of a sudden I was very
aware of the sun and heat beating down on us from above. I could feel sweat forming on my forehead and the back of my neck. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, just as Amir leaned in and kissed me.

It must have been a dream, but when I opened my eyes he was there, pulling his lips gently off of mine. His lips were soft and felt nice. They tasted salty like nuts or lightly buttered popcorn. If I hadn’t been out of breath before he did it, that kiss would have done the trick. I wanted him to do it again. My heart sped up a little, in anticipation of a follow-up.

“I hope that was okay,” he said quietly. I was a little embarrassed. He’d kissed before, I could tell because he was so confident. Maybe I hadn’t been what he expected, not having any practice and all. Of course it was okay. My first kiss and it was wonderful. “I’ve wanted to do that ever since I met you.”

The spilled cans of beans flashed in my head and I opened my eyes wide. The embarrassment was enough to make me shy away, but I giggled instead. Amir watched me laughing and looked hurt.

“No, it’s not you,” I said quickly. “That was nice, great even. I was just thinking about the mess I made in your store the day I met you.”

Amir started laughing, too. “I’d almost forgotten about that.” Tilly was right. I shouldn’t have reminded him. “It wasn’t so bad. Actually, it was kind of cute.”

There was nothing cute about acting a fool in front of a crowd, let alone a cute guy. He probably wouldn’t be up on
this hill kissing me if he knew I’d made a habit of being foolish back home, too.

“I was so embarrassed,” I said, covering my eyes. “I wanted to go straight back home after that but Tilly said I was being silly.”

“You
were
being silly,” he said, nudging me again. “And if you’d left, I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to kiss you. Plus, it has happened before, you know. I shouldn’t have stacked them so high, my fault.”

“Yeah, right,” I said, “I’m sure you’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

Amir grabbed my hands and pulled me up on my feet. We walked hand in hand down the hill toward a park exit.

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you stayed,” he said when we’d reached the street. The city engulfed us. The quiet of the park disappeared immediately, like we’d stepped through an invisible force field and into another world.

People were everywhere: some shopping, some with kids running around them, and others just standing on the street corners chatting. Busy taxi drivers sped by and the street vendors were loudly arguing prices. All of it should have bothered me, but somehow for the first time it was comforting.

When we reached the corner of Tilly’s block, Amir let go of my hand and kissed me lightly, on the cheek this time.

“Would you like to see a movie with me sometime?” he asked. I’d always thought my first date would be at an amusement park or a romantic picnic, like on TV, but a movie was good, too. I must have been making a strange
face without knowing it. “Or if you prefer, we can have dinner somewhere?”

“No, I mean, sure,” I answered too quickly. Amir was confused. “A movie is fine, sounds like fun. I’d love to go.”

“Great,” he said, exhaling like he was relieved. “How’s Monday for you? I’ll stop by Tilly’s around seven thirty to get you.”

“Monday works for me,” I said, smiling. So that was it, my first kiss, a walk in the park, and a date. It couldn’t have been more perfect.

Even with everything that was between us, Heather was the one and only person I wanted to share this news with. I practiced how I’d tell her and pictured her response. I almost skipped the whole way home.

“So, what’s up with you and ole boy?” Khalik was on his cell phone, but flipped it shut as soon as I’d reached the stairs where he sat with his legs spread wide in front of him, blocking the door to the building. “You didn’t let him cast no spell on you, did you?”

I remembered Amir’s touch and shivered a little, despite the heat. Khalik had an evil grin and started bouncing a basketball up and down against the steps.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Khalik,” I said, sitting down near him on the stairs. I probably should have kept walking right to the door, but Khalik didn’t look like he was ready to move.

Khalik bounced the ball over and over again and scrunched up his face like I’d offended him or something. “Yeah, I’ll bet
you don’t.” His phone rang and he checked the screen, but didn’t answer it. He slipped the phone back into his pocket and went back to the ball.

“Don’t want her to hear me in the background?” I asked, teasing him. Now we were even. He just smiled and looked right at me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, mocking me.

“Yeah, I’ll bet you don’t,” I said, in my lowest voice, trying to sound just like him. I swatted at his basketball and knocked it away from him. He laughed and we watched the ball roll down to the bottom of the stairs. He didn’t move, so I jumped up to get it. I threw it up to him, right to his chest, and he looked winded.

“Damn, girl, you been lifting weights out here, too?” he asked, pretending to rub his sore chest. “You play some ball I don’t know about?”

“Not really,” I said, climbing the stairs again. At that moment I had a lot of energy, though, like maybe I could get out on the court with Khalik and play a game. “I play a little volleyball when I can.”

He snorted. “Sounds like some white girl stuff to me,” he said, laughing. Khalik threw his basketball high above his head and pretended to spike it. The ball fell in his lap, and he raised his arms in fake cheerleader style and pumped his fists.

“You’ve never seen black girls play volleyball?” I asked. Khalik shook his head no. His phone rang again. This time he
switched the ringer to vibrate. “That’s crazy, of course they do. Your girl Monique even plays. She was pretty good during our practice.”

Khalik smiled at that, the kind of smile that had some history, or at least a good story behind it. I leaned closer to him and put my hand up to my ear, waiting for the story. He pushed my hand away.

“There’s nothing to tell,” he said, “and she ain’t my girl.”

“Okay, if you say so,” I said.

“Yeah, I say so.”

We sat and watched the street again. From where we were sitting, we could see the train station, a few clothing boutiques, a grocery store, a movie theater, and the courts. So much going on around us, but Khalik and I were on the sidelines, like we were benched for too many penalties in a game.

Rex wheeled his cart up from the bodega, with Tilly at his heels. Her bags were on top of the cart, full of food.

“How long you two lovebirds been sitting here?” Tilly asked us. My face got hot. Khalik smiled, but didn’t say anything. We took Tilly’s bags off Rex’s cart. Rex wheeled over and sat down on the bottom step. Tilly held the door open while Khalik and I set the bags inside. “Woo, child, I must be getting old. And I didn’t even make it to all my shops yet.”

Tilly could shop all day, just like my mom. My mom bought purses and shoes to match the purses. Tilly spent hours searching through antique shops looking for glass animal
figurines, or different-colored wigs and church hats. She’d spend hours looking, but would rarely buy anything.

“You don’t look old, Ms. Tilly,” Khalik said dutifully.