Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (46 page)

[Al-Ghazali, ‘Ihya’ ‘Ulum al-Din, 2:51–52 (11th century ce)]

Islam
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It is reported that ‘Umar Ibn Abdul-Aziz related to the Prophet his saying “Do not have intercourse with your wife unless she has the same level of desire that you have, so that you do not reach orgasm before her.” He was then asked, “How do we know?” The Prophet said, “Well! You kiss her, touch her and caress her, till you notice that she has the same desire that you have, and then you engage in sex with her.” In case he reaches orgasm before her, he must not withdraw before she is satisfied. Anas reported that the Prophet said, “When one of you has sexual intercourse with his wife, he must always be conscious of her needs. If he finishes before her he then must not rush her and must wait for her until she is satisfied, because that frustrates her and prevents her from enjoying her sexuality.”

[Ibn Qudamah,
Al-Mughni,
8:136 (12th century ce)]

RIGHTS WITHIN THE FAMILY

From the early days of Islam the rights of women within the family were carefully articulated. After all, Islam was revealed in a patriarchal society where women’s rights were minimal. Sons inherited their father’s wives, and fathers practiced female infanticide. Muslim converts came to regret their actions in pre-Islamic times, and Khalifah ‘Umar is often quoted as saying that in his society women were not accorded any importance until Islam articulated their rights. Muslim women themselves were actively involved in the articulation of these rights. For example, complaining about men dominating meetings, women asked the Prophet to assign a special day to them where they could ask him questions reflecting their own concerns. In many of these meetings the women asked highly specific and intimate questions. At times the Prophet whis-pered the answers to his wife À’ishah, who spoke to the women. Most of the time, however, he answered himself, for it is an established fact in Islam that there is no embarrassment in discussing matters of religion, regardless of how intimate the facts are. Thus, a good part of Islamic jurisprudence discusses various matters of sexuality that would have been unthinkable in a Victorian society, for example, Islam took the position that sexuality is a blessing from God that should be enjoyed, so long as it is within the proper marital framework.

But these were only part of the issues discussed in Islam. A whole chapter of the Qur’an is named after a woman who argued with the Prophet about the proper ruling in a certain familial situation. When she disagreed with the Prophet, she asked him to seek a revelation, and he did. A significant part of the Qur’an,
hadith,
and subsequent jurisprudence have all addressed relations within the family, such as the relation of husbands and wives, their duties to each other and to their children, and the children’s duties to their parents. In choosing the topics in this section, we were severely limited by consideration 212

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i of space. So we balanced the emphasis placed by Islamic jurisprudence on certain topics with current debates in our American society, the Islamic American Muslim community, and even Muslim societies around the world. For example, Muslim societies generally do not reflect in their laws the Islamic view of domestic responsibilities. Instead, they reflect customary views that regard housework as the responsibility of the wife. The Islamic view of mother-hood is also significantly different from that of Muslim and modern Western societies. While according the mother a great deal of respect for the suffering she undergoes in pregnancy and delivery, it recognizes her right to a respite.

So, after delivery, the mother has no legal obligation to nurse the child or take care of her. It is the turn of the husband to take care of both mother and child.

That includes hiring a wet nurse or, in today’s world, purchasing and preparing the bottle, if the mother opts not to nurse. Other issues discussed in this section, such as the right to education and economic and inheritance rights of Muslim women, are also important not only in Muslim-Western debates, as evidenced by discussions in the United Nation’s Fourth World Conference on Women, held in Beijing in 1995, but also in the global outcry against the reported prohibition of women’s education in Afghanistan in the late 1990s. While these events are now past, the related debates remain current and unresolved in the minds of many, including some Muslims. These selections should help both Muslims and non-Muslims alike to reach a better understanding of the proper Islamic approach to these matters, untainted by either politics or patriarchal custom.

Islam places kindness to parents next to the worship of God. In general, par-enthood is an extension of the Qur’anic view of ideal marital relations. These relationships, which are to be based on mercy, affection, and tranquillity, result in a cooperative, not hierarchically oppressive, family life. As a result, children are to be raised by both parents, who consult each other on important matters.

Mothers, in particular, are highly honored, because of their special role in giving birth. The Qur’an views pregnancy as an arduous experience. Partially for this reason, Muslim jurists do not obligate the mother to nurse her baby, except as a last resort. Nevertheless, in today’s Muslim societies Muslim women are obligated by social pressure to nurse their children and be the primary caretakers. These custom-based legal obligations often affect the human development of mothers, especially with respect to their education and career, and need to be reexamined in light of the Islamic view of family relations. After all, even the Prophet participated in caring for his children and in household chores. As to general parental responsibilities, Islamic jurisprudence recognized a host of mutual responsibilities between parents and children that are not mentioned in this short selection. For example, not only is the child entitled to
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financial support, she is also entitled to a good name. Thus a criminal not only violates society’s norms and laws but also his child’s right to a good name, and thus his parenting duties. Similarly, parents are entitled to be cared for by their children in their old age, as they took care of their children when they were young. If children ignore this obligation, an Islamic court can enforce it.

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And We have enjoined the human being (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), “Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) goal.”

[Luqman, The Wise, Abdullah Yusuf ‘Ali,
The Meaning of the Holy Qu’ran
(MD: Amana, 1991)]

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q u r ’ a n 4 6 : 1 5

We have enjoined the human being kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, “O my Lord! Grant me that I may be grateful for the favor which You have bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents. . . . ”

[Al-Ahqaf, The Dunes, Abdullah Yusuf ‘Ali,
The Meaning of the Holy Qu’ran
(MD: Amana, 1991)]

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The mothers shall suckle their offspring for two whole years, for those who wish to complete the term. But he [the father] shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child; nor father on account of his child; an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on wet nurses for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (the mother) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear God and know that God sees well what ye do.

[Al-Baqarah, The Cow]

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God’s Apostle mentioned the greatest sins or he was asked about the greatest sins. He said, “To join partners in worship with God; to kill a soul which God has forbidden to kill; and to be undutiful or unkind to one’s parents.”

[Hadith narrated by Anas Ibn Malik in al-Bukhari,
Sahih al-Bukhari,
bk. 73, Adab, no. 8]

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The prophet told a man, “Go and stay by your mother’s feet for paradise lies under them.”

[Hadith narrated by Mu’awiyah Ibn Jahimah al-Salami and reported by Ibn Majah in
Sunan Ibn Majah, Kitab Al-Jihad,
no. 2781 (9th century ce)]

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A man came to The Prophet and asked him, “O Prophet of God! Who is the person who has the greatest right on me with regards to kindness and attention?”

The Prophet replied, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet replied, “Your mother.” “Then who?” He replied, “Your mother.”

“Then who?” He replied, “Then, your father.”

[Hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah in al-Bukhari,
Sahih Al-Bukhari,
bk. 73, Adab, no. 2; and in
Sahih Muslim,
bk. 32, Birr: 1. no. 6180. (9th century ce)]

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m u h a m m a d f a k h r a l - d i n a l - r a z i “In pain did his mother bear him and in pain did she give him birth.” The Qur’an exegesis experts said, she did bear him with hardship and so did she give birth to him. And He did not mean the early pregnancy, which is not a hardship, for He says, “And when they are united she bears a light burden and carries it about,” meaning the start of pregnancy, for it is not painful due to the fact that it starts as a sperm, a blood clot, and then a fetus. Only when she becomes heavy that she “bears him in hardship and gives birth to him in hardship.” . . .

The verse underlines the fact that the rights of a mother are greater than those of the father, for God mentions both parents together by saying, “We have enjoined on the human being kindness to his parents,” he then specifically mentions the mother, “she did bear him in pain and gave him birth in pain,”

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therefore, her rights are greater because the hardships she undergoes are greater.

Many
hadiths
are known on this subject.

[Al-Razi,
Tafsir al-Fakhr al-Razi,
28:14 (12th century ce)]

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m u h a m m a d f a k h r a l - d i n a l - r a z i As to God’s saying, “and mothers shall suckle their children. . . . ” This command is not binding. This is evidenced by two facts. The first is God’s saying, “And if they suckle (the children) for you, you shall then compensate them [for it if divorced],” so she would not have been eligible for monetary compensation if it were obligatory upon her to suckle her child. The second one: God says, “And if you disagree (on compensation terms) another woman (wet nurse) will suckle for him,” and this is a clear-cut text. . . .

If she were required to suckle her child, the husband would not have to compensate her. . . .

One must know that the two-year term is not a binding limitation. . . . [T]he objective of mentioning the two-year term was to settle disputes between the parents with regard to the length of the suckling period. So if the father wanted to wean the child off before the completion of the two-year term and the mother did not, the mother’s position prevails and vice versa. But if they both agree on terminating the suckling process before the completion of the two-year period they may do so at their own discretion.

[Al Razi,
Tafsir al-Fakhr al-Razi,
6:126–27 (12th century ce)]

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It is recommended for the father to seek the mother’s permission in marrying off her daughter. For the Prophet said, “Consult with the mothers in their daughters’ affairs!” This is because she shares responsibilities with the father in looking after her children’s interests and also because consulting with her assures her approval and good will.

[Ibn Qudamah,
al-Mughni
7:383 (12th century ce)]

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As to God saying: “and mothers shall suckle their children,” it appears that the command implies an absolute binding order, because originally the mother must suckle her child. This is the view chosen by the professor and imam ‘Abduh. But he recognizes an exception when the mother has a valid reason not to suckle, such as illness. However, this order does not forbid appointing a 216

a z i z a h a l - h i b r i a n d r a j a ’ m . e l h a b t i wet nurse for the purpose of breast-feeding the child if that is not harmful for the child. The rationale for this argument is that the command in this verse is for the benefit
(maslahah)
of the child and is not a religious duty. . . .

By the same token, while it was made a duty upon the mother to suckle her child, she also has a right to do so. This means that the father cannot prevent her. It is indeed more likely that the father prevents his divorceé from suckling her child, if he is allowed to do so, than for the mother to abstain from suckling her child. . . . ”

[Rida,
Tafsir al-Manar,
2:409–410 (19th century ce)]

In an Islamic marriage, while fostering a deep loving relationship between them, both husband and wife maintain their identity and their independence.

The woman keeps her own name and financial independence, remaining an independent legal entity capable of transacting her own business and other affairs. Thus marriage in Islam is a true partnership, not one where the two spouses become one, namely the husband. Further, the wife has no obligation to perform housework. Based on the Qur’anic view that marriage is a relationship of mercy, affection, and tranquillity, jurists have concluded that the marriage contract is a contract of companionship, not service. Therefore, if the husband wants his housework to be done, he must do it himself or arrange for it to be done by another. But he cannot look to the wife to do it, unless she volunteers. For this reason, the Iranian parliament promulgated a law in the 1990s44 that permitted a divorced woman to demand compensation for all the housework she performed during her marriage. This approach rectified a sad situation, prevalent throughout much of the Islamic world, where women receive a very small settlement upon divorce. Other solutions are being studied in various Muslim countries and by the editors of this section. But the problem of defining properly the financial rights of the Muslim woman upon divorce remains quite urgent as well as important. Patriarchal jurisprudence ignored these rights in order to force the divorced woman to return to her family. As a result, some divorced Muslim women in the United States and other countries have at times suffered hardship and even indignities, especially when they did not have families capable of caring for them.