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Authors: Kristen Schaal

Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

BOOK: Sexy Book of Sexy Sex
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The
SEXY BOOK
of
SEXY SEX

The
SEXY BOOK
of
SEXY SEX

BY KRISTEN SCHAAL AND RICH BLOMQUIST

Illustrations by Michael Kupperman and Lisa Hanawalt

Contents

CHAPTER 1

Sex in Nature

CHAPTER 2

The History of Sex

CHAPTER 3

Cupid’s Toolbox

CHAPTER 4

Masturbation

CHAPTER 5

Regular Sex

CHAPTER 6

The Gay Chapter

CHAPTER 7

For Sexperts Only

CHAPTER 8

The Dark Side of Sex

CHAPTER 9

The Future of Sex

PHOTO CREDITS

APPOLOGIES

OTHER WORKS

COPYRIGHT

A Word from the Authors

 

Sex is the most powerful and important thing in the universe, and if you’re not instantly good at it, you probably never will be and every-one will laugh at you.

This is something you should know before even
attempting
sex.

Fortunately, you are holding
The Ultimate Guide to Sex: Unabridged, Un-Spell-Checked, and Uncircumsized,
completed in the Year of Our Loins Two Thousand and Ten by Ms. Kristen Schaal and Mr. Rich Blomquist and subsequently redubbed
The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex
because the aforementioned title had already been taken. So, relax. You’re in good hands.

But BEWARE!!!
This sexy knowledge comes with a terrible price:

First, a suggested retail of $24.95 ($29.95 in Canada). Admittedly on the high end for this type of book, but the authors have to eat.

Second -and far more important-
after you have read this book, there
is no going back.

Once absorbed, the lessons contained in
The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex
cannot be unlearned. Armed with the bawdy wisdom on any given page, you could easily spend the rest of your life orgasming your brains out, neglecting your friendships, your career, and every other aspect of your life that doesn’t involve constant genital stimulation. To call you a “mindless sex zombie” would be putting it gently. And perhaps the scariest part: you would be
completely satisfied
... as would your legions of sexual partners.

WELL, ARE YOU IN?

If so, turn the page.
*

*
Note: In turning this page, You, hereafter referred to as “Reader,” hereby absolve the Authors of any and all liability for consequences suffered as a result of the sexy lessons contained herein, including but not limited to sex zombism, either mindless or mindful.

 

 

How to Use This Book

This publication is intended to be a comprehensive guide to sex and all things sex-related, from courtship, to foreplay, to more foreplay to just a little more foreplay to actually banging. Great care and effort were taken to make this book as complete as possible. If you can think of a sex question not answered in this manual, it’s only because federal, state, or local laws prohibit you from asking it. It is NOT because the authors don’t know the answer, because
we do.

That said, with a book this sexy there will be times you aren’t interested in learning-j’usi
in achieving orgasm as quickly and spectacularly as possible.
For that reason, the most erotic and titillating parts of this guide are printed in red.

Go ahead. Skip to the steamiest, most profane passages in this jizz-soaked wank rag that dares call itself a book. Feast your eyes and your imagination on forbidden words that were until now only whispered by drunken lovers and Japanese businessmen with Tourette’s-words like splooge burglar, choad gobbler, and queef nugget. Are you blushing? If so,
stop.
The sooner you let go of your inhibitions, the sooner you can forgo embarrassment and get that extra face blood into your genitals where it belongs.

How
Not
to Use This Book

As you read, you will no doubt come to associate this guide with
puré erotic pleasure.
However, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you insert this book into ANY orifice for purposes of sexual gratification. It is bound with cheap Chinese glue that will POISON YOU.

Why We Are Qualified to Write This Book

Anyone can write a book. But not everyone can
live
a book.

Every sexual technique described in this manual
we have tried.
Every erogenous zone
we have erogenated.
Every STD
we have suffered from
—sometimes for way too long—just to see what would happen. A lot of blood, sweat, and foul-smelling yellow discharge went into the writing of this guide.

Why? Certainly not for profit. No amount of money could make up for the lovemaking sessions we sacrificed so we could slave away at our waterproof Jacuzzi computers. To put it mildly: IT WAS HELL! In fact, we had no intention of becoming authors at all until we came to a boner-chilling realization: THIS BOOK WOULD SAVE LIVES. In fact, it’s already saved the life of someone very important to us … YOU. A few pages ago, the finely tuned sexual instrument that is YOU was dying of a serious disease, your pleasure-starved genitals wasting away from a lack of carnal sustenance. You didn’t realize it at the time but you were very sick. To put it in medical terms, you were totally sexorexic.

So what qualifies us to write this book? That’s a funny thing to ask someone who just saved your life.

Where to Hide This Book from your Children

Refrigerator vegetable drawer

In church

Inside any other boring sex book

CHAPTER 1

Sex in Nature

The Origin of the Sexy

Humans did not invent sex.

Like burrowing, scampering, and throwing feces, man owes a debt of gratitude to
nature
for paving the way. It is because of sex that favorable genes are passed from one generation to the next, making it stronger, healthier, and all-around more fuckable.

But it was
homo and hetero sapiens
who elevated sex to staggering new heights. Armed with a superior intellect, a relentless desire for better orgasms, and opposable thumbs that could reach our own genitals, we single-and double-handedly transformed sex from merely surviving to really
living.
In fact, human copulation is widely recognized as the best sex in the universe. It is our greatest achievement and our legacy... and
we’re only getting better at it.

Still, man can learn a lot from animals: how to find an appropriate mate, how to complete the transfer of bodily fluids while looking out for predators, and most important, how to abandon said mate after obtaining sexual gratification with little to no awkwardness (even if it means biting their head off). In many ways, animals are nature’s sex ed teachers minus the condom and the banana, unless you’re watching baboons fuck in the zoo, in which case one of them might have a banana.

BOOK: Sexy Book of Sexy Sex
12.07Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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