Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (8 page)

CASANOVA

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Offered troubled women a shoulder to cry on, then subtly replaced shoulder with his penis.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

Unknowingly slept with his teenage daughter. Then, realizing what he’d done, knowingly slept with her.

ENDURING LEGACY:

The name “Casanova” became a catchall term for one who plays on women’s emotions for sex, replacing earlier term “man.”

CLEOPATRA

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Sending a slave with tattoo “Do you like me? Check one: Yes __ No__ “ and a dull knife.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

Tossing Caesar’s salad.

ENDURING LEGACY:

With a powerful kingdom at your command and a little eye makeup, you can get any man.

MARQUIS DE SADE

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

“You know the word sadism? That’s named after me.”

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

Accidentally poisoned four prostitutes with Spanish fly-laced candy.

ENDURING LEGACY:

Invented green M&Ms.

CATHERINE THE GREAT

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Presenting handful of sugar cubes.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

A horse.

ENDURING LEGACY:

Gave birth to Paul I of Russia, first in a long line of centaur czars.

EMILY DICKINSON

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Staring coldly out window at falling leaves of autumn, reflecting on own mortality.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

Thomas Wentworth Higginson, her “pen pal with benefits.”

ENDURING LEGACY:

First cute goth chick.

LIBERACE

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Flamboyant fingering.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

Regrettable one-night stand with a rusty candlestick and a Moog.

ENDURING LEGACY:

Never came out of the closet, which would have been moot considering it was filled with rhinestone capes and white llama fur coats.

WILT CHAMBERLAIN

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

‘I’ve had sex with twenty thousand women, but only because I was looking for you.”

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

The one night he decided to stay in and watch
Fried Green Tomatoes,
yet somehow still ended up banging eighteen women.

ENDURING LEGACY:

Proved being named “Wilt” doesn’t necessarily mean you’re impotent.

MADONNA

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Being Madonna.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

Doing it with the devil in exchange for immortality.

ENDURING LEGACY:

Came up with something even more delicious than ice cream to put inside cones.

HUGH HEFNER

SIGNATURE PICKUP MOVE:

Playing his ribs like a xylophone.

CRAZIEST HOOKUP:

All of them.

ENDURING LEGACY:

Put the “man” in “creepy old mansion.”

One of the biggest misconceptions involving religion and sex is that Orthodox Jews only have sex through a hole in a sheet. This is a stereotype rooted in ignorance and is an insult to the Jewish faith. The only thing Jews cut a hole in is their foreskins, with a jagged shard from a stomped-on wine glass during a full moon. This ancient ritual endows what’s left of their penises with magical powers and is the source of Jews’ legendary sexual prowess. Your only hope of experiencing this kosher bliss is to trick a Jew into making love to you. That’s where the sheet comes in...

MEDIEVAL MUNCHING

Int. King Henry’s private chambers—night

KING HENRY and ANNE BOLEYN face each other on the royal bed amidst candlelight and splendor. Hidden in the wardrobe is SIR RICHARD B., a promising writer and expert voyeur. He recorded the following events.

KING HENRY

Thank you for meeting me here, me lady.

ANNE BOLEYN

It is an honor and a privilege to be in the presence of your Grace. I feel a gratitude deep in my veins.

KING HENRY

Well, I hope that I can transform that gratitude into desire.

ANNE BOLEYN (BLUSHING)

My lord, there is a yearning for you that pumps through my blood from my heart to
my fingers to my toes
to my …

KING HENRY

To your what?

ANNE BOLEYN

To my, my …

KING HENRY

Say it!

ANNE BOLEYN

My virginal lady button.

Anne Boleyn starts to fake-cry from embarrassment.