Shades of Honor (32 page)

“Jesus...” He clutched his chest and fell against a stall. Panting, he stared up at Evelyn, his face white with fear. “Is she all right?”

“Yes. Just upset.”

Boyd blew out a breath and shoved his wind-snarled hair out of his eyes. “I about died out there.”

Emotion clogged her throat and Evelyn nodded. After a few seconds, she dragged in a breath and said, “Go let the others know we found her. I’ll keep Rebecca with me tonight.”

“Good idea,” he said. His shoulders relaxed and he pushed himself upright. “I’m going to find Radford.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“No, but I know where I’d go.” Boyd shook his head. “He’s never going to forgive himself when he realizes what happened with Rebecca.”

“Then don’t tell him.”

Boyd snorted. “Right,” he said, then left the livery.

Evelyn climbed into the loft and sat down beside Rebecca and the hay pile where her new cat had made its home. She rubbed her finger over the squirming gray kitten in Rebecca's hands. “What shall we name them?” Evelyn asked, watching Rebecca give the kitten serious consideration.

“His name can be Mittens. See. He
gots
mittens on his feet,” she said, pointing to his white paws. She put him down and scooped up another kitten. He dangled from her hands and Rebecca tucked him against her chest. “I like this one. I'm
gonna
call him Wiggles because he's a wiggly worm.”

The mother cat sauntered over and rubbed against Evelyn. “Hey, Missy, are you checking on your babies?”

“That's their mama?”

Evelyn nodded and wiped a tear off Rebecca’s cheek with her thumb. “She’s making sure we take care of them.”

Rebecca bent over and looked into Missy's face. “Your babies got names now,” she said. When she popped back up, she looked at Evelyn with a curious expression. “Where's your mama?”

The question was so totally unexpected that Evelyn actually blushed. How did a person explain to a four-year-old that her mother was dead. “Do you know what heaven is, Rebecca?”

“That's where my grandpa went.” She looked at Evelyn with sad, lost eyes. “Now I can't see him no more.”

Evelyn cupped Rebecca’s chin. “Did you know that Grandpa can still see you?”

Rebecca’s eyes widened. “He can?”

“Sure. When you go to heaven you live in the sky and can see everyone anytime you want.” She tucked Rebecca's curls behind her tiny ear. “I'll bet Grandpa is watching you right now.”

“Really?” Rebecca asked, her eyes wide. She scooped up Wiggles, held him over her head, and hollered to the barn roof, “Look, Grandpa! I
gots
a kitten!”

In that moment, Evelyn knew that loving someone was worth any sacrifice, and that she would do whatever it took to save Radford and his precious daughter.

“I have a surprise for you,” Evelyn said, hoping to entice Rebecca away from the kittens and into the house. She took the babies from Rebecca’s lap and put them back with their mother.

After taking the lantern downstairs and setting it on the floor, Evelyn climbed the ladder and guided Rebecca down from the loft. She lifted Rebecca onto her hip, picked up the lantern, then dashed through the frigid, swirling snow to the house, wondering if Radford was still wandering in the cold night.

“Is that the surprise?” Rebecca asked, pointing at a small blanket-covered mound beside the sofa.

Evelyn nodded. “Go ahead,” she said, smiling at Rebecca’s eager expression.

Rebecca trotted across the floor then pulled the cover aside. With a shriek of pure joy she reached into the cradle. “My
dollie
!” She clutched the doll to her chest and turned her bright face to Evelyn. “It's my
dollie
!”

The brilliance of Rebecca's smile was a sight Evelyn knew she’d never forget and she was glad she hadn’t hidden the doll away for Christmas as she’d planned to do. This gift was too special, too significant to be given for a holiday. Gifts from the heart weren't meant to be saved.

 
 
o0o

Rebecca was asleep when Kyle knocked on the door, and Evelyn’s jaw dropped when she saw him. He was the last person she expected to see at two o’clock in the morning. His eyes were dark and his cheeks were red from the wind. Her eyes misted. “You didn’t find him, did you?” she asked.

He shook his head and pushed the door shut with his foot. “Boyd’s been gone a while though, so I think they might be together. Duke’s going into town to make sure. I know it’s late, but I thought you’d want to know what’s happening.”

“Thank you, Kyle.” She caught his cold fingers and warmed them in her palm. “I don’t deserve your kindness after everything I’ve put you through. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

He pulled his fingers free and shrugged as if her betrayal hadn’t bothered him at all, but Evelyn knew better.

“I’d like to explain what happened,” she said softly.

“I'd rather you didn’t.”

He looked so capable standing there with his wide shoulders and thick arms, but whether he loved her or not, his muscles of steel couldn't protect his heart from the pain.

“Please. I owe you so much more than an apology.” She met his eyes so he could see the sincerity in hers. “I think Radford's betrayal cut the deepest and I'm sorry for that, too. We were both unintentionally selfish.”

Kyle looked at the ceiling and let out a huge sigh. “Would you mind if I went home?”

“Don’t go.” Evelyn caught his hand. “Please give me a minute.”

Reluctantly, he met her eyes, then sat down at the table.

Evelyn sat beside him. “You’ve been my friend forever,” she began quietly. “I’ve always shared everything with you, my troubles, my laughter, my tears, but after your father died, you changed. You didn't talk with me anymore. You were preoccupied with the business and that eventually consumed you. After a while we didn't share anything but unspoken memories. I shouldn’t have agreed to marry you, Kyle. It was selfish of me. But Papa was ill and the livery was failing and I...I wanted a family. I knew you could give me that, and also the security I needed.”

“Evelyn—”

She covered his lips with her fingers. “It was the wrong reason to marry you,” she insisted, lowering her hand to her lap. “I found that out when Radford came home and let me care for his daughter. I fell in love with Rebecca, and in sharing her with Radford, we formed bonds that drew us closer. Radford and I were both misfits and we found something in each other that we needed. No matter how we tried to ignore those feelings, they eventually strengthened until they wouldn't let us go. You see, I had nothing else holding my heart away from all of that. I didn't know the man I was engaged to. If I'm to be completely truthful, Kyle, I still don't believe our old friendship would have been strong enough for a happy marriage.”

“I thought we had something special,” he said.

“We did. A wonderful friendship that became overshadowed by our responsibilities.”

Kyle pulled his hand free and braced his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlocked between them. “Then tell me what happened that night you kissed me as if you wanted to pull my clothes off. Why did you do that? I've wondered for a long time.”

If she were to be any friend at all, she had to answer truthfully. “I was hoping to find the spark we were missing. I was prepared to give everything I had in search of that. I just couldn’t find it in the arms of my friend.”

He nodded in resignation as if he’d already known the answer, but had been unwilling to admit it. “You found that spark with my brother.”

“Yes. I'm sorry.”

He looked at her, his expression vulnerable. “Was it impossible to love me just a little?”

Evelyn lifted her hand and stroked his jaw. “I loved you more than a little, Kyle. You were like a brother to me. That's why I couldn't love you like a woman should love her husband. I had already found a special place for you in my heart.”

He closed his eyes. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.” Evelyn moved into his embrace and he stood up, pulling her against him. They held each other like family members who have been away from each other too long.

“Is it okay if I'm not your friend for a while?” he asked, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I think it's going to take some time for my heart to figure out where to put you.”

Evelyn hugged him. “Just promise to find a place for me.” She put her hand over his heart. “Do you think you can find room in here for Radford, too?” Their eyes met and Evelyn realized how raw Kyle was inside, how deeply he felt Radford’s loss.

He sighed and stepped away.

“You hold a big part of his heart, Kyle. He needs you. With you out of his life, Radford has become a lonely, empty man.”

“It's becoming a lonely winter for all of us from what I hear.”

His knowing look made Evelyn blush. “Radford’s having some difficulty working things out.”

Kyle’s fingers brushed her jaw. “We all are.”

Evelyn closed her hand over his. “There is a woman out there who will honestly deserve you. Find her, Kyle.”

After Kyle left, Evelyn huddled in her quilt and watched the firelight flicker behind the small glass plate in the stove. The wind shook the house and pelted the windowpanes with hard-edged sleet that sounded like pebbles. Even the walls seemed to moan with her as she buried her face in her arms.

How she longed for a house filled with Radford’s and Rebecca’s laughter and the sound of her father’s cane thumping across the floor. If she could just feel the warmth of Radford’s embrace, instead of a worn afghan and an Acme wood stove, it would help her survive the emotional storm raging within her.

The wind moaned like a wounded soldier and a shutter banged in the kitchen. Evelyn prayed it wouldn’t blow off before dawn, which was only an hour away. She’d been up all night waiting to hear if they’d found Radford, and her stomach was so tense, she was nauseous.

A loud bang made Evelyn leap from the couch. That was not a shutter pounding on the kitchen door! With her heart racing, Evelyn rushed to the door, expecting Boyd or Duke, but when she opened it, the gust of frigid air was not much of a shock compared to the sight of Radford standing in the pelting ice. Snow clung to his eyebrows and beads of ice stuck to his face. The wind whisked his breath away in a long, frosty funnel. It ripped at his hair, snaking it out around his hat in short, snapping strands, but he stood before her in his barn jacket, seemingly oblivious to the biting night.

“I can't tell a tale like your father,” he said, “but if you have time to listen, I'm willing to try.”

Stunned, Evelyn looked at Radford’s outstretched, trembling hand. Was he finally reaching out? Praising God, she caught Radford’s cold fingers and pulled him inside, closing out the world as she shut the door behind them. “I’ve been worried sick, Radford!”

“Boyd told me what happened—
after
he slugged me.” He met her eyes; his own were dark pools of pain. “As surely as you see me standing here, Evelyn, I vow I’ll
never
put you or Rebecca through anything like this again. Is she really all right?”

“She’s in bed sleeping with her new doll, but you’ll need to talk to her tomorrow. She thought Boyd and Duke hurt you, and that you were leaving her again.”

“Jesus.” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “I had no idea. I thought she was sleeping. I just needed to get outside and clear my head for a while.”

“You were gone for hours! Where’d you go?”

“To the Pemberton. I pounded on the door until Patrick let me inside.” He shrugged, his self-disgust evident in his expression. “I thought a drink would calm me down.” He chafed his hands and glanced longingly at the stove in the parlor. “If there’s any coffee in that pot, I could use a cup.”

His eyes were rimmed with shadows and old bruises that Evelyn wanted to smooth away, but she reached for his hat instead, knowing she couldn’t rush him to tell her what was burdening his conscience.

Radford caught her wrist and brushed his cold palm over her knuckles. He brought it to his mouth and placed his lips against her skin, pausing as if to savor the essence of her. “I miss you.” Pain rimmed his eyes. “I reach for you in my sleep. I see Rebecca's face when she's with you and I know we should be together. But you deserve so much more. I thought I could come home and start a new life, but I brought my old one with me. I needed to give Rebecca a settled home, but she’s miserable. I’ve stolen from my brother and beat him with my own fists.” He gripped the bridge of his nose with his fingers and his voice trembled. “I feel like I’m still fighting the damned war, Evelyn. Every action I take is destructive. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Take off your coat, and talk to me. Tell me what you can’t let go of. Even if it doesn’t make a difference for you, or stop your nightmares, at least I’ll understand what’s haunting you.”

He gazed at her, his eyes raw with unspoken pain. “You deserve to know the caliber of man you fell in love with.”

“Then come sit down and I’ll see if there’s any tea left in the pot.”