Shallow Pond (12 page)

If Annie was my mother, then that meant Cameron was my father. It gave me a chill. I'd thought Cameron was a jerk before, but now I saw that he was downright vile. How dare he date Gracie? No wonder Annie was so upset. He hadn't even made an attempt to keep in touch with me all the time he'd been gone. Or had he? Memories spun around my head. I recalled Cameron's story about getting ice cream with him and Annie. I'd assumed they were in school then, but that couldn't be possible if they were my parents. Unless maybe I was getting it wrong in my memory. I closed my eyes, tried to picture it. I pictured spending time with Annie and Cameron when I was a kid. They certainly did seem old in my memory, older than just teenagers, in which case it would all make sense. It was all true. I knew it.

“What's wrong?” Zach asked. He must have seen the look of panic on my face.

“I have to go,” I said.

“We just got here,” he said.

My head was spinning. I paid no attention to him. I began running up the path we'd come down.

“Barbara, wait!” Zach called after me. “Let me give you a ride.” I picked up my pace. I didn't want to talk to him. I needed to get home, but I didn't want to go with him. I ran toward the street.

Fourteen

I stood at the front door sweating and panting. I shoved my hands into my pockets, but I realized as soon as I did so that I didn't have my key. My key was in my jacket, and I hadn't brought that with me. It was still in the house somewhere. I rapped on the door. I waited. Nothing. I pounded on the door. Gracie couldn't have gone anywhere—Annie had the car. Unless Cameron had come and picked Gracie up. I became convinced of this when I squinted inside and saw only the empty living room. I slid down to sit on the top step.

My cell phone, like my key, was inside the house somewhere. What now? At least it wasn't that cold out. My head hurt. I shut my eyes, but saw only confusing images. Annie at various ages in her life … the ages I had always presumed her to be versus the age that she probably was. It was dizzying.

Then I heard something. The car—only it wasn't coming back from the doctor's office like I first assumed, but down the driveway. I saw Gracie behind the wheel, and Annie in the passenger seat. My reeling mind didn't even know how to begin to process this additional confusion. I did have enough sense to stand up and flag down Gracie.

“Hey,” I yelled. “Where are you going?”

Gracie rolled down Annie's window and shouted to me, “There you are. We've been trying to find you. Get in the back.”

“Where are you going?” I repeated.

“I didn't know where you were,” Gracie said. “I tried your cell phone.” Annie was being remarkably quiet during this whole exchange.

“I left it in my room.”

“Yeah, I realized that. Also, you have like a billion text messages on there. You might want to read them sometime.”

“You were reading them?” My voice came out sounding angrier than I had intended.

“Relax, I just saw the little box blinking. Get in the car please.”

I pulled open the back door. I recalled too late about my chopped and dyed hair, but Annie seemed to barely even notice when I got in. Had they put her on some sort of drugs at the doctor's office?

“How are you feeling?” Annie asked.

“I'm fine,” I said, remembering I was supposed to be home sick from school, “Better,” I added. “How are you feeling?”

“I keep telling Gracie I'm fine, but she won't listen.”

“You collapsed in the middle of the living room floor,” Gracie said, her voice cracking as she zipped through the stop sign at the end of our street.

“What? You collapsed?” I asked.

“It's my own fault,” Annie said. “That's what you get for not eating breakfast.”

“This has nothing to do with skipping breakfast, and you know it,” Gracie said. She continued to drive too fast as she raced through town toward the highway. I watched Shallow Pond fly by outside the window as I tried to make sense of what was going on.

“I thought you went to the doctor this morning,” I said.

“Yes, and he said I was perfectly healthy,” Annie told me. She sounded normal, but she really didn't look well. Could it be something as stupid as not eating breakfast? I'd felt pretty lousy when I woke up that morning and it was probably because I hadn't eaten anything the night before.

“You need to go to a real doctor,” Gracie said. “They have machines and tests they can do and stuff at the hospital.”

“I feel better,” Annie said. “Just turn the car around.”

Gracie didn't listen to her, and I was glad. Annie had been sick for a while and if she'd collapsed, then maybe there really was something seriously wrong. It could be something stupid—maybe she just needed to take some pills or something. I hoped it was something like that, something simple, treatable. The fact that Gracie had managed to get her into the car meant that Annie realized she needed help.

As we neared the highway entrance, Gracie turned on the right blinker and headed toward the southbound entrance ramp.

“No, we're going north,” Annie said.

“What? Are you delusional on top of everything else? Th
e hospital is south of us.”

“We're not going there,” Annie said in that clipped, firm tone that made it sound like she was so angry she could barely open her clenched teeth.

“Jenelle volunteers there,” I said. “Maybe she could make a phone call for us. Make sure we get a nice doctor.”

Gracie pulled onto the ramp, but Annie grabbed hold of the steering wheel, jerking it hard to the right. I cried out as I was tossed around in the back seat. Gracie got control of the car and steered us carefully onto the shoulder of the road, bringing the car to a stop. Both of my sisters were breathing heavily in the front seat. It looked like Gracie's heavy breathing was due to shock. Annie, on the other hand, looked completely exhausted.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Gracie demanded. “You could have killed us all.”

“Listen to me. We'll go to the hospital, but we're going up to University Hospital.”

“What? That's more than an hour away! What do we need to drive all the way up there for?”

“Dad had a friend who worked there,” Annie said.

“And Babie's got a friend who works at Shipley, which is only twenty minutes away.”

“Volunteers,” I corrected, somehow hoping to smooth over the tension in the front seat. Jenelle had only just started volunteering; she might not even know anyone at the hospital yet.

“We go to University Hospital and meet with Dr. Feld, or you turn the car around and we go home. Those are your two options.”

“You're being ridiculous,” Gracie said. Annie didn't re-spond. She just glared at Gracie until Gracie finally sighed, popped the car into reverse, and slowly drove backward down the shoulder of the entrance ramp so that we could get onto the northbound ramp.

“Do you even know this Dr. Feld?” she complained when we were finally on the highway headed toward University Hospital.

“He was a good friend of Dad's. They were close.”

“Couldn't have been that close,” Gracie said. “I don't remember ever meeting him.”

“They used to work together,” Annie said.

The whole time I'd known my father, he was a misanthropic hermit, but Annie always told me that he'd been a smart man. A genius, she'd told me, but this was probably hyperbole. He'd been some sort of medical researcher. That was before I was born, and maybe before Gracie was born if my new theory was correct.

“You don't even know this guy,” Gracie complained. “I don't understand what the big deal is.” I felt like telling her to just shut up and drive, but she did have a point. It was an awfully long way to drive just so that we could see some doctor who had once worked with my father twenty years ago or more.

“Do you know if Dr. Feld even works there anymore?” I asked.

“Yeah, good point,” Gracie said. “He probably won't even be there.”

“He still works there,” Annie said.

She turned around to look at me, reaching our her arm to pat me on the hand like I was a little kid. She had dark circles beneath her eyes and her face looked so thin and pale. I hoped this Dr. Feld, whoever he was, was a genius like my father had supposedly been.

“You cut your hair,” Annie said. She smiled as if it took her all her energy to do so. “It looks cute.”

“Cute?” Gracie said. “I'm going to ask them to examine your head as well when we're there. She looks like hell.”

Annie didn't respond. She rested her head on the back of her seat. Within a few seconds I could hear her snoring softly. I caught Gracie's eye in the rearview mirror and we exchanged concerned looks with each other. For a brief moment I found myself wishing it was Gracie who was the sick one. I quickly chased those thoughts from my mind. Annie would be fine, I told myself. It was probably nothing.

Fifteen

As bad as Annie looked, there were worse-looking people in the crowded emergency room. This was only mildly reassuring. The woman behind the counter offered us a clipboard loaded up with forms to fill out, but Annie ignored it.

“We're here to see Dr. Feld,” she said.

“Do you have an appointment?” the woman asked.

“Just tell him that Annie Bunting is here to see him.”

“Have a seat,” the woman told us. She sighed in an extra-loud way, to let us know this request was quite a burden for her.

We sat down in the waiting room chairs. Gracie had picked up the clipboard and was starting to fill things out. I realized this would give me the perfect opportunity to double-check Annie's birthday, but before Gracie could get more than Annie's name on the clipboard, Annie took it away and stuck it on an empty chair.

“Don't worry about it,” Annie said. “We don't need it.”

The woman came out from behind the desk and stood before us. She looked disgusted. Apparently protocol was very important to her.

“Dr. Feld asked me to show you into an examination room. He'll be with you in a few minutes.”

The other folks sitting in the waiting room gave us annoyed looks as we followed the cranky woman back to one of the rooms. I felt sort of like royalty, getting to jump the line so easily. Sometimes it helped to know the right people. Maybe it had been a good idea to go out of the way to go to this hospital.

“You know, the two of you don't have to wait here with me,” Annie said.

“What if you collapse again?” Gracie asked.

“Do I look like I'm going to collapse?” Annie said.

She sat on the paper-covered exam table. She might not have looked like she was about to collapse, but she didn't exactly look healthy.

“I don't understand why you didn't go see someone when you first got sick,” Gracie said. “You're so stubborn. You're just like Dad.”

“I'm nothing like him!” Annie's voice came out sharp and angry. Other than when she'd grabbed the steering wheel, it was the most energy I'd seen her use all day. I tried to remember if our father had also refused to go see someone when he got sick. I couldn't recall him ever being sick. Well, except for when he died. Was that what Gracie meant? If he'd gone to the hospital, would they have been able to help him? Would he still be around if he'd gotten treatment? I didn't have a chance to ask because the door opened and Dr. Feld stepped in.

Dr. Feld was a large, red-faced man who looked a bit like Santa Claus without the beard and the suit. He broke into a smile when he walked into the room, and I half-expected him to start ho-ho-ho-ing.

“Look at you three,” he said, with a laugh and a shake of his head. “This is an unexpected surprise. Look at how grown-up you all are. Amazing.”

I hardly thought it was amazing, but I guessed he hadn't seen us since we were babies. I supposed to him it was like we went from being infants to grown-ups in the blink of an eye.

“How's your father doing?” Dr. Feld asked. I sucked in a big mouthful of air and I heard Gracie gasp. “It's been a while since I've heard from him.”

Annie looked over at us, a sort of pleading look on her face. I assumed she wanted one of us to deliver the much-belated news of our father's passing.

“He died,” I explained.

“Oh, God,” Dr. Feld said. “I had no idea. My condolences.”

“It's okay,” Gracie said. “It was like six years ago.”

“No, it couldn't be that long,” Dr. Feld said.

“I'm afraid Gracie is correct,” Annie said in a stiff, unnatural voice. The doctor shook his head stubbornly, but his face changed a bit; he became more of a sad Santa as he processed that it had been more than six years since he'd last heard from his friend.

“So I'm guessing this isn't a social visit?” he asked.

“It's probably nothing,” Annie said.

“She hasn't been feeling well for a while,” Gracie said. “Then earlier today, she collapsed.”

“It was because I hadn't had anything to eat,” Annie said.

“And have you been eating normally lately?” Dr. Feld asked. “I only ask because you do look a bit on the thin side. Well, of course, everyone looks thin to me.” He laughed at this comment, but none of us bothered to join him. “And how old are you now, Annie?”

I noticed the way Annie glanced over at me and Gracie before she answered, “Twenty-six.” Why would she need to look at us to answer such a simple question, unless she was lying? Dr. Feld nodded at her answer as if there was something magical about the number twenty-six—unless perhaps he knew that she was lying, knew why she was lying.

“Well, we always feared something like this might happen,” he said.

Something like what? Had I missed something? Annie cleared her throat quietly and then looked over at me and Gracie again.

“Yes, of course,” Dr. Feld said.

“What?” I asked. There seemed to be a whole silent conversation going on that I wasn't hearing.

“Ladies, I'm going to ask you to step out while I examine your sister.” It was subtle, but I heard the extra emphasis he placed on the word “sister.” I wanted to just shout that I already knew everything and we could have everything out in the open instead of these weird silent conversations, but now wasn't the right time. I walked to the
door, and Gracie
followed me. She looked back at Annie, who waved us out of the room.

“That was weird,” I said when we were out in the hallway.

“I don't like that guy,” Gracie said. “What's with all the smiling and laughing and crap? I swear I've never seen that man before in my life.”

“Dad probably sent him Christmas cards or something.”

“And if they were such good friends, how could he not know Dad was dead?”

I shrugged. Dr. Feld didn't seem like such a bad guy. I wondered if he'd been Annie's doctor when she was pregnant. They did seem to know each other, and that weird secret, silent conversation they'd had would then make sense. Plus, if you were going to have a secret baby that you raised as your younger sister, you would want someone you could trust—a family friend—involved with all the paperwork, to make sure you could keep your secret safe.

“You know now that we aren't in there she's just going to tell him she's fine, and he's going to send her on her way without doing anything for her,” Gracie said.

“He did ask her if she was eating,” I pointed out.

“Speaking of which,” Gracie said, “I'm starving. Let's go see if we can find any grub around here.”

We did some exploring and found a smaller waiting room, with some cushioned chairs and a few different vending machines. We scoured our pockets for money and came up with enough to buy ourselves a feast of chips, a shared candy bar, and a couple of sodas.

“What do you think is wrong with her?” I asked.

“I don't know,” Gracie said. “Maybe it's nothing—a lingering flu or something. Maybe he'll give her some antibiotics and they'll knock it right out.”

“She seemed like she was getting better, and then the whole Cameron thing seemed to make her sick all over again.” I'd deliberately avoided saying that this was all Gracie's fault, but she was still offended.

“Don't you dare,” she said. “Who I date is my business, so mind your own. It was a long time ago that Annie was with Cameron. She had years to rekindle that romance, and she never even tried. So I don't feel bad about dating him.” She turned sideways in her seat and refused to look at me, like a spoiled little girl. But wasn't I the baby of the family? Wasn't I the one who was supposed to act like a little kid? Unless, of course, I wasn't.

“Do you ever think it's weird that you can't remember Mom at all?” I asked. “I can remember stuff when I was three years old.”

“Like what?” she asked.

I was sure I could remember something from being a little kid, but when I tried to think, all I saw were some vague hazy scenes in my head. I could remember some party … it must have been a birthday party, with a present wrapped in pink polka-dot paper. I remembered sitting in a little plastic wading pool in the backyard. As these different scenes surfaced in my memory, I realized that these were moments that were captured in the photographs in our family album. Maybe I wasn't really remembering them at all … maybe it was just the picture etched in my brain; not a real memory, just a sort of copy of a memory.

“See?” Gracie said. “You don't really remember anything from when you were that age.”

Like a spark, a memory—complete, and with only the slightest bit of haziness—arose fully formed in my head.

“Wait!” I yelled, even though Gracie was right next to me. “I can remember a campfire. We caught fish and cooked them on the fire, and then we roasted marshmallows. Dad must have taken us on a family camping trip or something. It was by this lake.” I knew the memory had to be a real one because I hadn't seen any pictures of it in the album.

“Dad never took us on a camping trip,” Gracie said. “It must have been something you saw in a movie. We never went anywhere with Dad.”

“I can remember the taste of the fish,” I said. “I remember how gooey the marshmallows were.”

“Actually, I think you did go on some sort of camping trip when you were little, but you went with Annie and Cameron's family. It wasn't Dad who took you.” As I pictured the scene in my head, I realized I couldn't actually recall Dad being there, but for some reason I thought he had been. Well, of course I did. My dad, my real dad,
was
there. Cameron. It all made sense.

“I think you were probably like four or five at the time,” Gracie added. “It was a long time ago, but still, you were older than three, and you can't even remember it that well.”

“How come you didn't go with us?” I asked. I knew the real reason Gracie hadn't gone—she wasn't part of that family. But I wondered if she knew this.

“I don't know,” she said. “Probably I had something else that weekend.” Right. Like at age eight or whatever her social calendar was completely full. Yet I didn't think she was lying. She probably was too young to remember anything clearly—she had no idea that Annie was really my mother, that Cameron was my father, that she was really my aunt. But it all fit. It all made sense, and it made the fact that she was dating Cameron even more wrong, somehow.

“About Cameron,” I started.

“We're not talking about that,” Gracie said.

“No, wait. Listen, I know that you think I'm picking on you, but you don't understand.”

“No, you don't understand, Babie. This isn't some stupid high school romance, okay? What Cameron and I have, this is real.”

“Yeah, but Annie—”

“Forget about Annie. This doesn't have anything to do with Annie.”

“What doesn't have anything to do with me?”

We both looked up to see Annie standing there in the entrance to the little waiting room. She still looked pale and ill, and she was holding on to the door frame as if she didn't have the strength to stand without some sort of support.

“Nothing,” Gracie said. She looked over at me with narrowed eyes. It wasn't like I was going to say anything in front of Annie; well, not right now anyway.

“You ready to go?” Annie asked. She had a smile on her face, but it looked like she was trying too hard to look happy and relaxed.

“Did the doctor say what was wrong?” I asked.

“I have a prescription,” Annie said.

“Isn't he going to do any kind of tests or anything?” Gracie asked. “He seems like a quack.”

“He's not a quack,” Annie said.

“You probably told him you were fine,” Gracie said. “Did you tell him how sick you've been?”

“He understands,” Annie said. “The medicine he prescribed should help. Hey, why don't we stop somewhere for dinner on the way home. When was the last time we all went out together? It'll be fun.”

Fun? Something told me this would be about as much fun as ripping out my own toenails one by one.