Shameless (13 page)

R
iley

I loudly cleared my throat and stepped into
the kitchen.  Maddie was standing at the sink, scrubbing at a pot, and she
didn’t turn around.  I had waited until I heard Roman leave before coming out
of the bedroom.  He was right – I needed to apologize to Maddie but I was oddly
nervous about it.  What if she didn’t forgive me?  What if she told me to
leave?  I had been ready to storm out less than two hours ago but truthfully I
didn’t want to go.  It wasn’t just the fact that I was homeless and broke, but knowing
that if I walked out the door I would never see Maddie again made me break out
in a cold sweat.  Jesus, I was fucking losing it.

I took a deep breath.  While waiting for
Roman to leave, I had mulled over what he’d said about her fiancé.  What hadn’t
he given her that I could?  I had been lying on the bed, staring sightlessly at
the ceiling when the answer hit me. 

Respect.  I had only met the little twerp
for a few minutes but even I could hear the dismissive way he had spoken to
her, see the barely-hidden disdain in his gaze.  Although I found it hard to
believe that a strong-willed woman like Maddie would ever let her man
disrespect her, it didn’t mean it wasn’t true.  Love had a way of making people
do stupid things.  It’s why I had no fucking use for it.  I had been no better
than him in how I treated her.  Always panting after her, acting like she was
nothing more than a warm place to stick my dick.  She was so beautiful it made
me ache and I imagined her fiancé had felt the same way.  He probably treated
her the same way – how the fuck couldn’t he have?  Those curves of hers could
bring a man to his goddamn knees.  I wanted to fuck her, wanted to be in her
warmth so badly it hurt, but she deserved better than that.  I would give her
the respect that her fiancé never had, be her friend, and forget how badly I
wanted her.

I cleared my throat again.  “Maddie?”

“Yes?”  She continued to scrub at the pot.

“I’m sorry.  I was being a dickhead
earlier.”

“Yeah, you were.”

“I know.  I’m really sorry.  I have no
excuse for it.”

She sighed and some of the tension left her
body.  “Apology accepted.”

Relief flooded through me and I grabbed the
dishtowel and started to dry the pots that she had already washed.

“Thanks,” she said.

“You’re welcome.  Thanks for dinner.  It
was really good.”

“Are you still hungry?”

“No.”

She glanced at me.  “Your clothes fit
okay?”

I glanced at my t-shirt and jeans.  “Yeah,
Roman did a good job.”

She rinsed the pot and handed it to me for
drying.  “How’s your side?”

“It’s fine.  I took some Advil earlier.”

“Good.”

She put the pots away, bending to tuck them
into one of the lower cupboards and I forced my gaze away from her ass in her
tight yoga pants.  Jesus, just being Maddie’s friend was going to be more
difficult than I thought.

She glanced at the clock on the wall.  “Do
you want to watch some TV?”

“Sure.  As long as it isn’t that stupid
Bachelor show.”

She smiled a little.  “I guess I can find
something else to watch tonight.”

I returned her smile and followed her to
the living room.

M
addie

I walked toward the bedroom, acutely aware
of the way my ass jiggled – hell, the way my entire body jiggled – as Riley
followed me.  We had watched TV for a few hours, me on one end of the couch and
he on the other, and despite Riley’s apology I was feeling tense and anxious. 
There was something different about him but I couldn’t quite put my finger on
what it was.  I smiled nervously at him as he lingered in the doorway.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said.  “Listen, Maddie, I’m
going to sleep in the guest room tonight.  I’m feeling much better and your bed
is a bit on the small side.  We’ll both probably sleep better this way.”

Dismay bloomed in my belly.  I had hoped
that once we were in bed, once he was tucked against me, the weird tension
between us would disappear.  I had even been planning to see if he wanted to
finish what we had started earlier today, rationalizing to myself that Riley
was right – if we went slow, if I rode him and did all the work, we could have
sex without hurting him.

You can’t ride him, Maddie.  Remember
what happened when you were on top with Jordan?

My face flamed as Riley watched me
cautiously.  Fuck, it didn’t matter anyway.  How could I have been so blind? 
The difference in him was so obvious now.  He hadn’t once looked at my body,
hadn’t once made a sexually suggestive or dirty comment the entire time we were
watching TV together.  The previous desire he felt for me was gone.

Tears pricked at my eyes and I turned
hurriedly before Riley could see.  I didn’t know what had changed Riley’s mind
but deep down I wasn’t surprised.  Men like him weren’t attracted to women like
me, I reminded myself.  Be happy his attraction to you lasted for as long as it
did.

“Maddie?”  Riley said almost tentatively.

“That’s fine,” I said.  “You’re right.”

There was silence behind me and I blinked
rapidly.  The tears fell anyway and I bit the inside of my cheek so hard, I
could taste the bitter and metallic tang of blood. 

Keep it together, Maddie.  So Riley
doesn’t want you anymore.  Get over it for God’s sake.  You knew it would
happen sooner or later.

“Good night, Maddie.  I’ll see you in the
morning.”

“Good night, Riley.”  I was proud of how
steady my voice was.

The door shut softly and I walked rapidly
to the bathroom to blow my nose and wipe my streaming eyes before changing into
my nightgown and crawling into bed.  I stared miserably at the ceiling, trying
to ignore the feelings of hurt.  Once Riley was feeling better, he’d leave and
I’d never see him again.  It was better this way.

* * *

His cries woke me only a few hours after I
had fallen into a restless sleep.  I bolted out of bed and was standing in
front of the guest room door before I was fully awake.  I knocked, his moans of
fear cut out abruptly, and I opened the door.

“Riley?  Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he gasped out.  “I’m fine.”

I took a tentative step into the room.  He
was a dark lump under the covers of the bed and I took another hesitant step toward
him.  “Do you want me to lie down with you?”

“No,” he said quickly.  “No, I’m okay.  I’m
sorry I woke you.”

“Are you sure?  I don’t mind.” 

God, I hated how pathetic and needy I
sounded but I wanted to feel Riley’s arms around me so badly it hurt.

“No,” he repeated.  “Go back to bed.  I’m
good.” 

“Riley, the nightmares aren’t – “

“I said go back to bed, Maddie.”

The harshness in his voice had returned and
I retreated to the hallway.  He didn’t even want me near him now and I had
never felt more fat or ugly in my entire life.

“Good night, Riley.  I – I’m sorry,” I
whispered as the hot tears dripped down my face.

“Good night.”

* * *

“Maddie?  What’s wrong?”  Roman gave me a
look of alarm.

“Nothing,” I said.  “Just a long week at
work.  I’m glad it’s Friday.”

Roman stared suspiciously at me and I
forced myself to smile brightly at him.  The last week had been awful.  Riley
was still treating me in an odd and distant manner and with each day that
passed, he looked worse and worse.  His side seemed to be healing, he never
flinched when he moved now and last night I had caught him doing a few cautious
pull-ups in the doorway of the kitchen.  I had freaked out a little but he had
shrugged off my worry.  Unfortunately, although his body was healing, his mind
was starting to fracture.  It was the nightmares.  He woke me nightly with his
loud cries of fear and it took every ounce of my willpower to stop from going
to him to try and soothe him.  I had tried to talk to him about the nightmares
last night while we were watching TV but he had denied even having them.

“Riley,” I had finally said in
exasperation.  “I can hear you crying out.”

He had flushed bright red and stared at the
TV as I leaned toward him.  “How much sleep have you gotten since Sunday
night?”

“Enough,” he had replied grumpily.  “Don’t
worry about it, Maddie.  I’m fine.  I’m used to not getting much sleep.”

“You’re not fine,” I had insisted.  “You
can’t survive without sleep, Riley.  You need to – “

“I’m getting enough sleep.  Jesus, Maddie,
let it go, would you?”  He had said waspishly.

“Fine,” I had retorted.  “Excuse me for
trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Of course you don’t.  You don’t need
anyone’s help,” I had muttered.

“Maddie, are you sure?”  Roman touched my
arm, jarring me back to the present. 

“Yes, just tired,” I repeated.  “How was
your week?”

“Fine,” he said.  “We had a guy come in to
the ER yesterday with a glass soda bottle stuck in his ass.”

“You did not!”

“Swear to God.  He said he sat on it
accidentally,” Roman replied.  “Don’t you hate it when that happens?”

I laughed and Roman kissed me on the
cheek.  “There’s my girl.  You had me worried for a minute, Mads.”

He sniffed the air.  “What is that
delicious smell?”

“Riley made potato soup for dinner.”

“Your biker babe can cook?”  Roman said in
surprise.

I nodded.  “Yeah, and he’s actually damn
good at it.  He’s cooked dinner every night this week.  It’s kind of nice to
come home from work to a hot dinner.”

“Any of that delicious soup left over?” 
Roman asked.

I laughed again.  “Yes.  Would you like a
bowl?”

“Fuck, yes.  I’m starving.  Now, where’s
your biker babe?  I’m here to remove his stitches.”

“He’s in the living room,” I said. 

I started toward the kitchen and stopped
when Roman caught my hand.  “Mads?  Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes,” I lied.  “I’m fine.”

* * *

R
iley

“Holy fuck, dude.  You look like shit.”

I jerked on the couch and stared blearily
at Roman.  I had been nodding off, my head throbbing and my eyes burning from
lack of sleep, and I said a brief prayer of thanks that Roman had woken me
before I could really fall asleep.

“Nice to see you too, Roman,” I said.

He sat down beside me.  “Seriously, dude. 
You look terrible.”

He reached for my forehead and I jerked
away from him.

“Relax,” he said.  “I’m just checking for a
fever.”

“I don’t have a fever.  I’m just tired,” I
said.

“Does your side hurt?  Do you feel achy or
warm?”  He asked.

“No.  I haven’t slept well the last few
days.”

“Have you always had trouble sleeping?” 
Roman asked.

Before I could answer, Maddie walked into
the room carrying a bowl of soup.  “He has nightmares every night, Roman.  He’s
barely slept at all since Sunday night.”

“Maddie,” I snapped.  “He doesn’t need to
know that.”

“He does,” she replied.  “He’s your
doctor.”

She set the bowl of soup on the coffee
table.  “I think he needs something to help him sleep, Roman.”

“No, I don’t,” I said immediately.  “I’m
not taking goddamn sleeping pills.”

“Do you have trouble falling asleep or
staying asleep?”  Roman asked.

“What does that matter?”

“Well, if it’s trouble falling asleep, then
you could try taking melatonin.  That can help with insomnia.”

“He doesn’t have trouble falling asleep,”
Maddie said. “He has terrible nightmares that wake him up.”

“What are they about?”  Roman asked curiously.

“None of your goddamn business,” I said. 
“You’re my doctor not my fucking shrink.”

“Harsh but fair,” Roman said cheerfully. 
“Well, sleeping pills won’t help.  It sounds like your problem isn’t in the
actual sleeping but the nightmares.  Have you tried meditation before bed? 
Sometimes that can help relax the mind, and if you’re feeling relaxed and calm
the nightmares may not be as bad.”

“I’m not a fucking hippie,” I growled.

Roman laughed so hard he nearly fell off
the couch.  I could feel my lips turning up and even Maddie was smiling.  Fuck,
she was gorgeous when she smiled.

“Well, I’m going to recommend that you
actually do see a psychiatrist,” Roman said.  “Talking about it will help and a
good psychiatrist will help you get to the root of your nightmares.”

“I keep telling him that,” Maddie said.

I glared at her and she stuck her tongue
out at me before smiling at Roman.  “Eat your soup before it gets cold, honey.”

“Let me take out Riley’s stitches first.” 
Roman was rummaging through his bag and he snapped on a pair of gloves before
pulling out a pair of small, sharp scissors.  “Stand up and take off your
shirt, handsome.  Let me see that rippling six pack.”

I rolled my eyes and stood easily before
pulling my shirt over my head. 

“Roman, are you sure you should remove the
stitches?”  Maddie asked a bit anxiously.  “It’s only been a week.”

“I’m sure,” Roman replied.  “It looks
really good – Riley’s a fast healer.”

He studied the healed gashes on my side and
back before snipping the stitches with the scissors.  Using tweezers, he pulled
each one free with a sharp tug and dropped them on a tissue on the coffee
table.

“How often do you work out, Riley?”

“Before I got shot, every day.  One of the
club guys had a gym set up in his garage and let me use it,” I said.

“Jesus, I wish I had that kind of
dedication,” Roman said.  “I’d rather eat Lucky Charms and watch the Bachelor. 
I’ve got a home gym but most of the equipment is just sitting there gathering
dust.”

“He was doing pull-ups last night,” Maddie
said disapprovingly.

“Fuck, you can do a pull-up?”  Roman said.

“They’re not difficult,” I replied.

“Yeah, well not all of us have rippling
muscles and bodies of steel like you do, superman.”

“You seem to be in pretty good shape,” I
said.

Roman shrugged as he dropped the last
stitch in the tissue.  “I have a good metabolism and I do a lot of cardio –
running that sort of thing.  I’d like to get into some weight training though. 
I tried before and pulled my fucking hammie.  I could barely walk for a goddamn
week.”

“You’ve got to start with lower weight and
more reps,” I said as I shrugged into my shirt.  “Build up to the heavier
weight.”

Roman stared at me thoughtfully.  “Now that
you’re feeling better, maybe you could drop by my dusty home gym and give me
some tips.  You can use the equipment as well.”

I shrugged.  “Sure, if you want.”

“We’ll give it another week or so to make
sure you’re full healed.  Even then, you’ll have to take it easy for a bit. 
Deal?”

I nodded as Roman removed his gloves and
sat down on the couch.  He spooned some soup into his mouth.  “Damn, this is
good.”

A tingle of pride went through me when
Maddie said, “Riley’s a great cook.”

“I’m not disagreeing,” Roman mumbled around
a mouthful of soup.  “Hey, have you watched The Bachelor finale yet?”

“No!”  Maddie said.  “No spoilers, I have
it recorded.”

“I haven’t watched it either,” Roman
replied.  “Why don’t we watch it together tonight?”

“Can we make it tomorrow night instead? 
I’m beat and really just want to have a hot bath and go to bed,” Maddie said.

I gave her a furtive, guilty look.  I had
no doubt that I had woken her up every night with my nightmares but she didn’t
come to my room.  More than once I had been tempted to go to her, to ask her to
hold me so I could get some sleep but if that didn’t make me the biggest
fucking pussy on the planet, I didn’t know what did.