Shameless (14 page)

“Sure,” Roman said.  “I’ll come by around
seven.”

He scraped the last of the soup from the
bowl before carrying it to the kitchen.  He returned, kissed Maddie on the cheek
and grabbed his medical bag.  “See you later, guys.”

“Bye, Roman,” Maddie said.

“Thanks for taking out the stitches,” I
said.

“Don’t mention it,” Roman replied.

He left and Maddie and I stood in
uncomfortable silence for a moment before she sighed.  “Well, I know it’s early
but I think I’ll have that hot bath and go to bed.  Good night, Riley.”

“Night, Maddie,” I said quietly.  I watched
her leave before collapsing on the couch and flipping aimlessly through the
channels.

I should have been going to bed but the
thought of falling asleep, of seeing Andrea’s dead face in my dreams again,
made me shudder helplessly.  I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me. 
The nightmares were no worse than before and the lack of sleep was nothing new
but now, for whatever reason, it was like I couldn’t handle it anymore. 

It’s because you finally remembered what
it was like to get a full night’s sleep.  No bad dreams, no waking up in a cold
sweat.  Maddie did that for you.  Stop being such a fucking moron and go to her. 
She has what you need.

I shook off the thought and, my eyes
burning, stared grimly at the TV.

* * *

R
iley

I watched in helpless horror as my hand
turned the doorknob of Andrea’s room.  My feet carried me into the room, the
cold breeze from the window blowing through my hair, and stared numbly at her
bare feet.  She hated wearing socks, always had, and I moaned loudly as I
raised my gaze to her face.

Her beautiful, sweet face was swollen
and black.  Her tongue protruded from her mouth and her light blue eyes bulged
obscenely.  I stared in frozen terror at her familiar but suddenly horrifying
face, as the rope she had used to hang herself creaked back and forth.  She was
so skinny, her always thin frame wasted away to the point of being skeletal, that
her body swung lightly in the breeze.

“Andrea?  Oh, Andrea, no,” I moaned as
tears flowed down my cheeks.  “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.  I’m so fucking sorry.”

It was my fault she was dead.  I had
ignored the warning signs, had convinced myself that she would be fine.  My
blood froze in my veins when I heard ma climbing the stairs.

“Rye?  Rye, is it rats making that
noise?”  She called.

“Ma!  Stay downstairs!”  I tried not to
scream but even I could hear the panic and terror in my voice.

“Riley?  Honey, what’s wrong?”

Ma’s voice was drifting closer and I
turned and screamed at her as she crested the final step.

“Don’t come up here, Ma!  Get back
downstairs – right fucking now!”

She cringed back, looking so much like
she did when dad screamed at her, and my heart broke.  “Ma, I’m sorry.  Just –
just go downstairs, okay?  I’ll be right down.”

“Okay, Rye,” she whispered.

She walked slowly down the stairs and,
taking a deep breath, I turned around again.  I needed to call 9-1-1.  Harsh
laughter brayed from my lips.  It was way too fucking late for 9-1-1.  My baby
sister was dead and it was all my fucking fault.

I didn’t want to look at her again but I
couldn’t help it.  Steeling myself, I stared up at her and fresh horror gushed
through me.  Maddie, my sweet, loving Maddie, was hanging from the ceiling. 
Her dark eyes stared accusingly at me.  The blood vessels in her eyes had
burst, turning the white into a bright, gruesome red and I screamed loudly when
she turned her dead gaze toward me.

“This is your fault, Riley,” she whispered. 
The rope shifted against her throat as she spoke, revealing the harsh burns on
her soft skin and I screamed again as she raised one pale hand toward me.

“All your fault I’m dead,” she moaned. 
“You killed me, Riley.”

“I’m sorry, Maddie!  I’m sorry!”  I
screamed.  “Maddie, I’m so sorry!  Forgive me!  Forgive –

I jerked awake with another harsh scream,
my heart beating as quickly as a runaway train in my chest, and my entire body
covered in a thin film of sweat.  Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and
although the rational part of me knew it had only been a dream, it couldn’t
stop me from stumbling out of bed and running to the door.  I needed to see
Maddie, I needed to make sure she was alive, and I fled into the hallway and
straight into Maddie.  She cried out with surprise, staggering back and
tripping over her own feet.  I caught her before she could fall and crushed her
against my chest.

“Maddie!”  I shouted and she threw her arms
around my waist.

“It’s okay, honey.  Shhh, it’s okay,” she
whispered.  She was crying and I rested my sweaty forehead against hers.

“Are you okay?”  I asked in a panic.

“I’m fine,” she said.  “Are
you
okay?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

I wasn’t.  I was shaking like a goddamn
leaf and I couldn’t stop touching Maddie, her soft skin, her silky hair.  The
nightmare had been so fucking vivid and I was terribly afraid I would always
have the vision of that rope cinched tightly around her neck.

We stood in the hallway, holding each other
tightly as I tried to stop my shuddering.

“Wh-what are you doing out here?”  I
finally asked.

“You were screaming my name,” she
whispered.  “It was so – so awful and I know you don’t want me to comfort you
anymore but I couldn’t stand it, Riley.  You sounded so afraid and so…”

She trailed off and burst into tears.  “It
scared me so badly,” she wept.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled into her hair.  “I’m
sorry, Maddie.”

“Don’t be,” she whispered.  Her hands
stroked my naked back.  “You’re cold, Riley.  You should get back into bed and
– “

“No!”  My arms tightened around her in a
panic.  “Don’t leave me.  Please.”

I hated how weak I sounded but the thought
of being alone in the dark was sending fresh waves of terror through me.  I was
so goddamn tired but I didn’t have a chance in hell of sleeping again tonight. 
Fuck that – I would probably never sleep again.

“I won’t,” she said.  “Come with me,
honey.”

She took my hand and led me to her
bedroom.  She climbed into bed and patted the spot beside her.  I nearly fell
into the bed next to her and pressed my head against her breast as she pulled
up the sheet and quilt and tucked them around us both.

“Go to sleep, Riley.  You’re safe,” she
whispered.

* * *

M
addie

I stared at the ceiling, petting Riley’s
back in long soothing strokes.  His shaking had finally stopped and I was
fairly certain he was close to sleeping or already asleep.  He was still
clutching me tightly but his breathing was deep and even.

I suppressed my own shudder of fear as I
remembered the sound of Riley’s voice screaming my name.  God, it had
frightened me so badly to hear it.  I was out of the bed and running to the
guest room before I could stop myself.  I hadn’t cared that he didn’t want my
comfort, I couldn’t lie in the dark and listen to him scream.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax.  I
wouldn’t sleep, hell I might never sleep again after hearing Riley scream like
that, but I would try and rest.

I twitched in surprise when Riley’s voice
drifted out of the dark.  “Why did you and your fiancé break up?”

“Riley, you should try and get some sleep,”
I said.

“I can’t.  Was it because of me?”

“No, it wasn’t because of you.”

“Then why?”  He raised his head and
squinted at me. 

I touched his face, feeling the rough
stubble under the palm of my hand, before sighing.  “That night in the bar, the
way I was dressed – it’s not normally the way I, uh, dress.”

“Yeah,” he said.  “I figured.”

I sighed again.  “Jordan and I were
together for just over four years.  I loved him and I thought he loved me too. 
The funny thing is – I think he actually did love me.  Just not the way that I
loved him.”

I licked my lips, feeling a dull blush heat
my cheeks.  “Our sex life had never been that great.  Jordan didn’t have a high
sex drive and he just never seemed that interested in me.  He said I – I wasn’t
very good at sex and I suppose I’m not.  I don’t have a lot of experience and
sex with Jordan was often weird and uncomfortable.  He never said anything but
I knew my weight was an issue.  He was pretty thin and fit and he thought my
breasts and butt were too big.”

“Idiot,” Riley muttered.  He was starting
to sound like his normal self and a thin thread of relief went through me.

“I tried a few different things but he was
never really into it.  I would – would go down on him and after only a few
minutes he was tapping me on the head and making me stop.  He never wanted to
perform oral sex on me, he said that I,” my cheeks flushed again and I ground
to a halt.  I couldn’t tell Riley what Jordan said.

“He said what, Maddie?”  Riley asked.

“Never mind, it doesn’t matter,” I said.

He cupped my face and frowned at me in the
dim light.  “Tell me, Mads.”

“He said that I smelled weird and – and
tasted strange,” I whispered miserably.

“Motherfucker,” Riley said harshly.

I closed my eyes, embarrassed beyond
belief, and Riley stroked my cheek.

“Go on.”

“Our sex life was getting worse, it had
been over three months since we’d slept together.  I made up my mind that I was
going to do something about it, that I was going to seduce Jordan and show him
that we were compatible.  I bought that stupid black dress and that ridiculous
lingerie and went to Jordan’s place to seduce him.  I wasn’t supposed to go
over there that night but I wanted to surprise him.”

“What then?”  Riley prompted when I lapsed
into silence.

“He wasn’t alone,” I said dully.

“He was screwing another chick?”  Riley
asked indignantly.

I laughed bitterly.  “Not quite.  The house
was dark but there was a light on in the bedroom and when I opened the bedroom
door, Jordan was having sex with our friend Kurt.”

Riley stiffened against me.  “Jordan was
gay?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.  “The three of us
stared at each other and then I – I just ran.  I got in my car and I started
driving.  I was crying and shaking and kind of freaking out, and then my stupid
car died and I walked to the bar to look for a phone.”

I sat up and gave him a pleading look. 
“I’m not a – a whore, Riley, and I didn’t have sex with you as some sort of
retaliation against Jordan, I swear it.  I just – when you started kissing me
and touching me, for the first time I felt, well I felt pretty and wanted and
after what I’d seen, I needed to feel that way.  I know deep down that it
wasn’t my fault, Jordan is hiding who he truly is because his parents are rich
and he lives off of a trust fund.  If they found out he was gay, they would cut
him off from the money.  I know the truth, I do, but there is still a part of
me that thinks it’s my fault.  Do you understand?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Riley said slowly.

“I know,” I said.  “But I can’t help the
way I feel.  Part of me thought, still thinks, that maybe it was my body and my
poor sex skills that turned Jordan gay.  It’s ridiculous, I know.”

He didn’t say anything and I stared
shamefully at him.  “I wasn’t trying to purposely use you that night, Riley.  I
swear it.  But being with you, feeling how much you wanted me, made me feel
good.  I wanted to hold on to that.  It’s why I let you fuck me in that
bathroom, why I – I gave you a blowjob in front of everyone.”

He continued to stare silently at me and I
flushed again.  “I’m sorry for that, by the way.  I know I – I’m not very good
at giving blowjobs.  Jordan always said that – “

“Jordan is a fucking idiot,” Riley
interrupted.  “It was the best blowjob of my life, Maddie.”

My mouth dropped open. “You’re just saying
that to make me feel better.”

“No, I’m fucking not,” he growled.  “It was
incredible.  Even now, all I have to do is think about your hot little mouth on
my dick and I’m hard as a fucking rock.”

“To be fair,” Riley continued with a small
grin, “I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and knowing that the guys in the club were
watching as the hottest woman in the room sucked my dick – might have made it
even hotter.”

I blushed furiously, a small part of me
embarrassed but a bigger part ridiculously pleased.  God, if people knew that I
liked the idea of Riley being turned on by others watching me give him a
blowjob, they’d –

They’d what, Maddie?  Think you were
comfortable with your own sexuality?  Think you were a slut?  Either way, who
fucking cares?  It’s no one’s business but your own and most people won’t give
a shit about your love life.  Get over yourself.