Shattered (9 page)

“I just wanna apologize for how our date ended that time. It wasn’t cool how I left.”

“That’s okay, but I appreciate your apology.”

“Um…I wanna cook for you.”

My eyebrows rose. Sounded interesting.

“All you gotta do is come by my crib, and I’ll make you one of my best meals.”

“What’s that?”

Audri laughed and scratched her head. “I don’t know yet.”

I laughed, too.

“What do you like? Fish, chicken, or steak?”

“All of them,” I said, smiling.

“All right, well…I’ll surprise you.”

“Okay.”

“Do you still have my number?”

“No,” I lied, even though Audri was still the first name on my contact list.

We exchanged information again, agreeing to talk later. I don’t know what it was about Audri that made me interested. Of course, I was curious about how she looked—her pale skin and naturally blonde hair—but there was also something else about her. I thought about what Peaches said, talking to somebody who I hadn’t talked to in a while or how going somewhere different was both good ways to get over whatever was clouding my head. I mean, I wasn’t open for dating, but a new friend wouldn’t hurt. I decided that this time I would really try to get to know Audri.

T
he first thing I smelled when she opened the door was barbecue sauce, a sweet, spicy smell that soaked the entire apartment. My mouth watered. It was the first time Audri ain’t have her shades on, but a regular pair of glasses. She had the most beautiful gray eyes I’d ever seen.

“Finally, I get to see your whole face. Nice.”

She grinned and stepped back so I could come inside. “You look nice, too.”

I ain’t do much. I mean just a lavender shirt and some gray leggings. I did slip my feet into some cute wedges and threw on some accessories, though. Audri looked cute in her black tank top and carpenter jean shorts. I could tell she worked out. There was a snake tattoo going from her upper left arm across her back to her other shoulder. Interesting. There was a pool table where her dining table should be. No wonder she whipped my ass so bad; she was dead serious. I laughed, and she smiled knowingly.

“What you cooking?”

“Ribs, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob.”

“Nice.” I dropped my keys and my handbag on her bar connected to the kitchen.

“It’s almost ready.”

I walked around, looking at the pictures she had on floating shelves. The decorations was surprisingly cute. Chocolates, dark blues, and creams. Audri used her remote control to turn the music up. Trey Songz was singing his heart out. I took a seat on a bar stool.

“You want something to drink?”

“What you got?”

“I figured you might like wine, so I got pinot noir. But I got some sweet tea in here, too.”

“I’ll take a glass of wine.” I never had that kind before, just Moscato and white zinfandel.

She passed me a glass and made one for herself. It had a rich plum taste.

“So, Miss KiKi, when you eat, I wanna see you eat, eat. Don’t try to be all cute and shit. That’s why I purposely made ribs and corn on the cob. I wanna see how hard you go,” she said, laughing.

“You ain’t gotta worry about that. Trust. I gets down. Elbows on the table and all. I hope you got some toothpicks in here. Shoot.”

“Yeah, okay,” Audri said, laughing. Then she put a plate in front of me. I went to wash my hands in the bathroom. By the time I came back she was sitting on the bar stool, waiting for me.

“Looks yummy.”

“Thanks, but how does it taste, though?”

I took a bite of the ribs, careful not to splash sauce everywhere. I nodded. She did a good job. “I ain’t gon’ lie, these ribs are delicious.”

“Good.”

We ate without really talking, just listened to the music. I took another glass of wine when she offered, promising myself it would be my last. When Plies came on her iPod, Ryan popped in my head. It’s the one artist I knew for sure he liked cuz he stayed blasting Plies in his room behind his closed door.

“Can you please skip this one?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said without asking why. She used the remote to skip it. It’s funny how I hadn’t thought about Ryan all day, and now I couldn’t get him out my mind.

“You all right? Your mood changed like shit.”

I nodded and picked over my mashed potatoes. Audri left me alone for a while. I tried to shake off my thoughts of Ryan. “Hey, so what made you get that tattoo?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

Audri laughed and covered her mouth with her hand. “I don’t know. Just liked it. Thought it looked slick. You got some?”

I held up two fingers. “Two butterflies.”

“Oh, okay. Why butterflies?”

“I like how they start off as caterpillars, then turn into something that doesn’t have to crawl no more,” I said, never mentioning the fact that one was by choice and the other was by force. Nut made all his girls get tramp stamps etched with the numbers 666 as a way to brand his merchandise.

Our date was going good. We talked, played pool, joked, and teased each other until I finally said it was time for me to go. I ain’t wanna be out too late or give her the wrong idea about me. I thanked her before leaving, promising to call her when I got home. On the ride home, I thought about how cool she was and how she ain’t push up on me. It had been a long time since someone was genuinely interested in me and ain’t expect me to fuck them off the break. It was a nice feeling to have for a change.

A few days after me and Audri hung out, I was on my way home from class when I saw Ryan’s yellow ass sitting on the steps of my apartment building, smoking a Black & Mild. My heart jumped, and I froze.
What the fuck did he want?
Thank God, he ain’t see me. I sped past my building. I couldn’t believe his ass was at my house. I mean, I went out my way not to go by Mommy’s house just for that very reason. I ain’t ever wanna see him again. How could he just show up like everything was cool? I thought about going back to Meeka’s since I just dropped her off, but she had to meet Quentin’s father later. I decided to go to Peaches’s shop even though I wasn’t supposed to work. I ain’t know how long he was gonna be lurking around my building, but I ain’t wanna give him a chance to say shit to me.
I wish I had some guy friends who could just fuck him up.
I hung out at the shop until it started to get late. After closing, I called Audri to see what she was doing. I asked her if I could come by and was glad she was cool with it.

I sat on her couch an hour later sipping an O’Cup and staring at the TV, still in my uniform and foam clogs. My phone rang, and Ryan’s number and face popped up on the screen.
Shit.
I sent it straight to voice mail. I stared at the ceiling and combed my fingers through my hair nervously.

“What’s wrong?” Audri asked.

I took a deep breath. How was I gonna explain to her what was wrong?

Audri flipped the TV off and turned to look me in my face. “Look, you all right?” she asked sincerely.

I hadn’t told a single soul what happened. Something about how Audri asked made me want to tell her. She ain’t know me enough to judge me too harshly, and it was early enough in our relationship that if she had a problem with it, she could walk away and I’d at least have gotten it off my chest. I took another deep breath and blew the air across my lips. “Something happened to me a few weeks ago. Something that I haven’t told nobody.” I took a sip from my cup filled with cough syrup and a mixture of different drinks.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” she said, shaking my leg that was laid across her lap.

I nodded even though I knew I was about to take a chance that might ruin whatever it was that we had. I guess the doubt was written plainly on my face cuz Audri said, “KiKi, I promise I won’t think no different of you. You can tell me anything that’s gon’ make you feel better.”

“Okay,” I said before swallowing the rest of the cup, then releasing another sigh. “A few weeks ago…I was raped.”

“What? Did you call the police?”

I shook my head.

“Why not?”

I shook my head again and stared at my empty cup. I couldn’t tell her why. No one would ever understand why I chose not to snitch on my brother.

“KiKi, you have to call the police.”

I shook my head. “I can’t,” I said so seriously I knew she got the point.

“Was it somebody you knew?” she asked.

I nodded.

Audri stood up and walked around her living room, flexing her muscles. I could tell she was agitated. “Was it a nigga you used to mess with or something?” she asked, looking me dead in my eyes.

I shook my head, and then tears slid down my face. “He broke in my apartment, and I saw him again today smoking a cigarette in front of my building.”

“Come here. Stop crying.” Audri hugged me tightly the way I wished I had been hugged the morning after it all happened. I cried on her shoulder until I had no more tears. I wanted to tell her it was my brother, but I couldn’t. I laid in her arms until I fell asleep. She woke me up a little later so I could go sleep in her bedroom.

The next morning, she sat next to me with a breakfast sandwich and some apple juice. She watched me eat, and then she said, “You can stay here as long as you want.”

“Thank you, but I can’t do that to you.”

“Look, we can go to your crib today. Get some shit and bring it back here. You can’t stop your life cuz of that shit.”

“But that’s too much to ask of you.”

“Nah, fuck that…as soon as you finish eating, go shower and throw these clothes on,” she said, pointing at the T-shirt and basketball shorts folded neatly beside her. I was so thankful of Audri’s offer, but at the same time I felt strange. She barely knew me, and she was being so kind and trusting, offering to let me stay here. After I finished breakfast, I did what she said. Soon we was heading to R Street. Audri parked her Challenger in front and reached between the armrest and her chair and pulled a gun out.

“Fuck that,” she said.

I tried not to look shocked, but that’s when I knew Audri had some shit with her, too. Next, we headed inside my building. The first thing I noticed was what looked like some kick marks at the bottom of my door. It had to be Ryan. Why was he acting so crazy? My heart skipped as I nervously put my keys in the lock. I knew he wasn’t inside, but still, I was really scared now. He obviously wanted something from me and was pissed that I wasn’t there. Audri was right; I had to leave.

“You okay?” Audri asked behind me.

I nodded, but my stomach was doing flips. Who had Ryan become?

Audri noticed the hole in the closet door but ain’t say nothing. I grabbed a couple duffel bags, pulled clothes off my hangers, dug in my dresser for underclothes, grabbed toiletries from the bathroom, then stuffed shoes and accessories in bags, not wasting no time. Audri helped line bags up at the door. When I grabbed everything that I was gonna need for a while, we headed back downstairs. Safely in her car, I finally took a breath of relief.

“It’s all right,” Audri said, rubbing my knee.

“Thank you so much…”

She turned and looked at me. “It’s all good.”

I spent the next couple of weeks at Audri’s. She had some of her cousins help move all of my furniture into a storage unit a couple blocks down the street from my building. I couldn’t believe how much she was doing for me without asking for nothing. She flaunted me around her friends and hadn’t even done more than kiss me and hold me since she learned about what happened to me.

I had learned a lot about Audri since I started living with her. Number one, she had lied about working for the mailroom. Number two, she really had a couple of hustles going on. Besides being a chronic gambler, between the pool games and crap games, she was also doing something that surprised me but which also made me realize why she was always at the barbershop with different girls. She managed three dancers that did private parties. Who was I to judge?

Audri asked me if any of it bothered me, but maybe that’s why I was attracted to her. She had a presence about her. A confidence that even the most sexiest dudes still ain’t manage to have. I felt conflicted since that was probably the best time to tell her that I used to do private parties, too. Instead, all she knew about me was that I worked at Peaches’s salon and that I went to Everest College. As much as I could use extra money in my pockets, I ain’t want her to look at me differently. I kept that part about my past a secret. I was good at keeping secrets. Plus, Audri might’ve thought I brought that rape shit on myself.

Given the fact that I wasn’t in no mood to sleep with nobody anyway, I just worked as many hours as I could get from Peaches. I was letting the apartment go anyway, even though my lease wasn’t up. I couldn’t handle no more surprise visits from Ryan. I worried about how I would avoid seeing him for the rest of my life. I spent my money on groceries for Audri and buying a couple things for myself since Audri wasn’t being pressed about money anyway. She told me to chill.

I called Yodi a couple times to pass messages to Mommy. One day I heard Mommy yelling in the background that she ain’t see me in a month. I promised to take her to get her hair done later, but the whole time I was wondering how I was gonna pull that off without running into Ryan. I knew me ducking him wasn’t fair to Mommy, but what else was I supposed to do?

I
t was September when I finally introduced Mommy to Audri. Even though she kept trying to get in my business, I wanted to keep my girlfriend a secret. I mean, Mommy knew that I had moved in with somebody, but I wasn’t exactly honest about the fact that it was my girlfriend and not just my roommate. See, the only person I ever let Mommy meet was Kareem, so either way I ain’t know how she was gonna act. I invited Mommy over cuz she kept asking me to stop by the house for dinner, but I told her to stop by my house instead. Audri was such a good cook that I knew Mommy would be impressed by her regardless.

Lasagna, garlic bread, and vegetables was Audri’s meal of choice. When Mommy walked in the door, she did a good job of not staring at Audri’s skin. As a matter of fact, Mommy gave her a hug like she knew Audri for years.

“Such a nice place,” Mommy said, walking around. It took Audri a second to understand what Mommy said, but I helped translate. Whenever Mommy asked Audri questions, she turned to look at me to double-check what she had said. I was used to Mommy’s broken speech, but Audri not so much. All in all, the night went good. Halfway through dinner, Mommy signed: “She’s not just your roommate, is she?”

I blushed.

Then Mommy signed: “No wonder you don’t come by no more.”

She shook her head. I couldn’t tell if that meant she had a problem with it or not. She just let it be. After dinner, I drove Mommy home. I was more nervous about dropping her home than picking her up now that it was late. Ryan was sure to be on the block. Over the past couple months, I had did a good job avoiding him. I would always meet Mommy outside, telling her I had to do something else right after I dropped her off, like meet Meeka for some school stuff or meet Audri.

“So, dis Audri…,” Mommy said soon as we got in the car.

“Yes,” I said tense.

“Yoo real like hur?”

“I do. She’s cool.”

“I don’t get dis cool stuff.”

I smiled. “She’s sweet to me, Mommy.”

“Okay.” Mommy nodded. “Dat’s all I wanna know. You disurv someone who will treat you right for a change.”

I smiled.

“I’m not big on this lifestyle, but you old enough to know what you want, ’Kirwuh.”

I understood how she felt, and I’m proud of Mommy for not trying to tell me how to live, like I expected her to do. For the most part, Mommy had no clue just how crazy my life was. As a matter of fact, the worst thing she thought I had ever done was run away to live with Nut. Her guilt about having us separated and sent to foster care kept her from being the kind of strict parent she should’ve been. Toya told me that Mommy ain’t even go to the police when I ran away, that the police came to her wondering why I hadn’t been to school in a week. Mommy got in trouble for not reporting me missing right away, and they had threatened to take Yodi from her again, claiming she was irresponsible for not filing a report. Mommy had a social worker doing surprise visits to monitor Yodi for a while, but everything died down when the police ran into me working Fourteenth Street a few months later. I spent thirty days in a group home before they released me to Mommy. The very next day, I ran away again and back to Nut. Mommy thought it was teenage love and nothing more. And since she was dealing with Ryan’s unofficial job of selling drugs, she ain’t think there was nothing too wrong with teenage love.

When I pulled up on W Street, my body instantly tensed up. A clutter of niggas stood across the street. Something told me Ryan was with them. I could just feel it.

“Okay, you not gon’ come up?” Mommy asked.

“Not this time.”

“Okay den, ’Kirwuh. I’ll talk to you soon.”

Mommy climbed out the car, and I waited for her to unlock the building door and walk safely inside before I pulled off. When I turned back around, ready to go, that nigga Ryan was standing right in front of my car wearing a gray hoodie. My heart jumped. He locked eyes with me and signaled for me to roll the window down. I ain’t want to, but the only way to get around Ryan was to hit him. And though the thought crossed my mind, I couldn’t do it. I rolled the window down a little.

He leaned down and said, “What’s up? Where you been?”

His breath smelled like weed. Was he really this crazy?

“Around.”

“I ain’t seen you in a grip.”

Exactly how I wanted it to be.
I tucked my bottom lip under the top one and nodded.

“You still mad at me?” he asked.

I squinted. I couldn’t believe he had asked me such a ridiculous question.

“You can’t be mad. You a whore, right?” he said without flinching. “Maybe you pissed that I ain’t pay you or some shit. But you gotta give me freebies.”

The nerve of this nigga. I mashed the gas, not giving a fuck if I hit him or not. I heard him yell, “Crazy bitch!” as I sped past him. I couldn’t stop shaking my head at the sick shit he said. Ryan acted like what he had done was normal.

“It’s not fucking normal to rape your fucking sister, you retarded muthafucka!” I yelled in my empty car, hitting the steering wheel. Tears poured down my face. I had to pull over. My hands was shaking so much. I sat in my car on Rhode Island Avenue until I could breathe easily. I drove home and went straight to bed, ignoring Audri’s questions.

“Whoa…what’s wrong with you?” she asked when she got to the bedroom. “Was it your mother? What? She don’t like me?”

I shook my head. “It’s not that.”

“Then what, KiKi? You can’t shut me out.”

“You don’t wanna know.”

She raised my chin from the pillow with her fingers and said, “Don’t say that shit…I’m not like other people you used to fuck with, okay? I do wanna know.”

I sat up on one arm. That’s why I was so into her. She knew what to say to make me believe her. Instead of telling her what was real, I asked her to hand me my cell phone from my handbag. She looked confused, but she handed it to me. I dialed my voice mail and put the phone on speaker. I skipped over recently saved messages from Meeka, Peaches, and Yodi all the way to the one that was left back in August.

“Where the fuck you hiding? Your ass better not think about telling nobody shit, or I’ll kill your muthafucking ass.”

“Young, who the fuck was that?” Audri asked, her jaws tensing.

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I sniffled. How could I tell her? I shook my head.

“Shakira? Who
was
that?” she asked, looking in my eyes.

“My brother,” I finally said.

Audri blinked, then shook her head. She couldn’t stop shaking her head as her eyes moved around quickly. What I had said wasn’t making sense to her, and I could see the confusion all over her face. “Your own brother did that shit to you?”

I nodded.

She punched her fist in her hand and said, “What the fuck, man?” and jumped up.

As pissed as Audri was, I actually felt better. Finally, someone knew besides me. A weight lifted off my chest, and for the first time since I seen Ryan, I felt like I could breathe. Audri wrapped me in her arms and held me as if she finally understood my pain. I fell asleep soon after.

I was starting to feel like telling Audri was a big mistake. She seemed distant. Sometimes I’d catch her staring at me and not in the loving kind of way she had stared at me before. It was like she was studying me. I could see her mind moving as she looked me over. She ain’t touch me like she used to. Just kisses on my forehead. What I had told her had her fucked up. I could see it every time we caught eyes. There was questions that I knew she had, but she never asked them, like, Why did it happen? How many times? How long had he been raping me? Who knew? She was probably even wondering what she had gotten herself into, messing with me.

One day after I finished helping Peaches close the shop, I told her how Audri had been acting different lately. Of course, I ain’t tell her what news I had shared with Audri to make her start acting that way, but Peaches told me not to worry about it. She sat in one of the spinning chairs and untwisted the charm on her necklace. Before I knew it, she sniffed coke up her nose again.

“Why you do that shit?” I asked.

“Girl, it just gives me peace. All that shit you talking about, all that shit I had to deal with today with these clients…it just settles me. You don’t understand, my nerves fucked up.”

“Hmmm…” I heard her, and I could relate to wanting peace, but that shit wasn’t for me.

A couple days later, Audri told me she was going out of town with her dancers for some event in Atlantic City. She just straight dropped it on me, like she purposely ain’t want me to know until the last minute. Suddenly, she packing an overnight bag and shit out the blue.

“You wasn’t gonna ask me to go?” I asked, clearly pissed.

Audri seemed surprised that I was upset. “I ain’t think you would wanna be around that shit. You wanna go?” she asked in a way that let me know she ain’t really want me to go.

I rolled my eyes and walked in the kitchen for something to drink. Was this a trick question? “No, that’s okay. I don’t wanna be invited after the fact. You been acting funny anyway lately.”

Audri sucked her teeth, then said, “What are you talking about now?”

“Nothing.” I poured some cranberry juice in a glass.

“Don’t give me that ‘nothing’ shit. Don’t be fishing for answers. What the fuck? Tell me what’s on your mind.”

I sipped my juice before I said, “Nothing.”

“This that shit I can’t fucking stand with females. Don’t bring shit up, and then say, ‘Nothing.’”

“It’s just that…” I paused to get my thoughts together. “It seem like ever since I told you about my brother, you ain’t been the same.”

Audri took a deep breath and nodded. “On some no bullshit…for real…that shit’s fucking with my head. I don’t understand how that shit even happened. And then to top it off, you ain’t even call the police on his ass after that? I don’t get it.”

I shook my head. I knew I shouldn’t have told her. I knew it.

“I like you a lot, KiKi…but it’s fucking with me.”

Audri kissed me on my forehead, grabbed her keys and bag, said she’d call me from the road, then left. I was still standing in the kitchen, trying to understand what she meant by “it’s fucking with me.” Did that mean she ain’t trust me or that I asked to be raped by my brother? That I brought it on myself? That I must not have a problem with what happened cuz I never called the police? If I called the police on my brother, it would destroy my mother and my family. She’d blame herself all over again, thinking about us being snatched from her cuz of her choice in men. It wasn’t her fault but wasn’t no words I could ever sign to make her believe that, so I’d rather keep my secret to myself. Spare Mommy the pain of knowing her own son raped her daughter.

When Meeka called me later to see if I wanted to go to Ibiza, it was easy for me to say yeah. I begged Peaches to come hang out with us for a change. She said no but that we could come spend the night at her crib later for girls’ night. Since I ain’t wanna be in Audri’s apartment dwelling on our conversation, it sounded like a plan.

I settled on a strapless mustard Tracy Reese dress that showed my firm thighs and my Louboutin Mamanouk booties. I pinned my hair up in a tussled Mohawk. Did picture-perfect makeup including a splash of MAC’s Russian red matte lipstick. Audri was missing it. Shit, I looked like a sophisticated slut. I threw some pajamas, a change of clothes, and some toiletries in my saddlebag. Twenty minutes later I was in front of Meeka’s house.

“Audri know your ass out here looking like you on the prowl, bitch?” Meeka asked.

I smiled. “She should’ve never left me here.”

“I know that’s right.”

We had a ball in the packed club, getting niggas to buy us drinks, dancing on the floor, and joning on bitches who looked set the fuck up. Their asses was dead wrong for leaving the house looking a hot-ass mess. On the way out the club, I bumped into Rich, my barber.

“Hey, shawty.”

“Hey, Rich,” I said, giving him a hug. He held me tight, making my full body press against his. His neck smelled so good. I was surprised at how much I liked the feel of him and had to pull away before I got lost in his arms.

“Y’all having fun tonight, huh?” he asked.

I nodded, smiled, and waved bye as me and Meeka kept it moving.

“Girl, he look good as shit. Who was that?”

“That’s my barber.”

“Hmmm. He want your ass,” she said, holding my arm, trying to keep her balance in her five-inch heels.

“It’s not even like that. I promise.” That was just like Meeka to try and syce some shit up. We jumped in my BMW, and I checked my phone before I pulled off. There was two missed calls from Audri. For a minute, I thought about not calling her but figured it wasn’t cool to give her any doubts while I was living for free in her apartment.

“Hey, babe.”

“You all right?” she asked.

“Yeah, me and Meeka went to Ibiza.”

“Oh, I ain’t know you was going out tonight.”

“Well, I ain’t know you was going to Atlantic City.”

Audri sighed. I knew she had just rolled her eyes, too. “Look, I was just checking on you, but since you’re good, I’ll holler at you later.”

“Mm-hmmm,” I said, hanging up.

“You need to stop playing games with that girl,” Meeka said, shaking her head.

Whatever.
I called Peaches and told her we was on our way, then hit New York Avenue, so I could head out to Bowie. I took the Mitchellville exit off of Route 50. She lived in a beautiful three-story brick house surrounded by a wooded area. I mean, her great room was bigger than Audri’s whole apartment. The only thing I hated about her house was the pictures of Nut everywhere. I mean, Peaches had a shrine of this man in every corner.

“Hey, girls,” Peaches sang from the doorway as we grabbed our stuff from the car. I can tell she had been snorting lines from all her giddiness.

“Hey, Peaches,” Meeka said, giving her a hug.

“Hey, what’s up? Where’s Amir?” I asked.

“Over his cousin’s in Greenbelt. Come on inside.”

I could hear Keri Hilson singing as we entered.

“I hope y’all want some margaritas cuz I already started making some.”