Shattered (13 page)

I could smell the spice of his cologne, and the twinkle in his eyes made me momentarily lose my train of thought. When I quickly came back, I quietly responded. "There really is no need for me there. That's Miranda's area of expertise anyway."

"I think you should be there to see your pictures finish off the product," he responded coolly, to which I let out a light sigh.

"I'll see. I do have other clients. If I'm not busy, then I'll come by."

Grayson nodded his head. "That's fair."

We shook hands once again, and he ran his thumb over my hand before completely letting go. I allowed myself to temporarily become lost in his touch, but quickly came to when I heard Miranda walking back to her desk.

"Have a nice day ladies," Grayson said, smiling warmly at the both of us.

"Have a nice day, Grayson," Miranda replied, noticing that I was standing with an idiotic smile stuck on my face.

Grayson turned and walked out of the office, and I looked over to Miranda, who now had a deep look of suspicion on her face. I walked back into my office without saying a word to her.

The weekend provided much needed relaxation time. I had been consumed with my conflicting feelings of wants and needs, Grayson and Colby, and I just wanted the opportunity to clear my head of all thoughts concerning any of the above.

My parents were weighing heavily on my mind as I would have turned to my mom in this situation for her ever loving guidance and words of wisdom. I found myself picking up my cell phone again to dial her number, but realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I quickly put it away. I walked into my closet and pulled out the box of their belongings. I had brought it with me when I moved back to Seattle following my mom's passing, but I hadn't been able to pull any of the contents out without fear of a nervous breakdown. I felt the strength to go through the things, wanting desperately to put up a piece of them in my home, but as I opened the box, thoughts of their deaths quickly overtook me. I found myself shutting it and pushing it back into the closet, without so much as a single item being removed.

An urgent need to get out of the house overcame me, so I dressed in my workout gear, and took a run down by the lake near my townhouse. I let
Wish You Were Here
by Pink Floyd play on repeat in my ears as I ran, and the more the song played, the more I thought about my parents, Colby, and even Grayson. The more and more the song stirred in my head, the more I pounded the pavement even harder, and I soon found myself at least two miles away from home, panting hard and feeling the urge to cry, but unable to formulate any tears.

I looked around me, noticing people in various settings. Some were sitting together watching the ducks swim in the lake, other were strolling lakeside--hand in hand--while others were like me, alone with music or their thoughts.   

I put a much more upbeat song on for the run home, and as I made my way to the front door, I felt much better. The run seemed to be exactly what I needed. Unfortunately, just as I was taking my shoes off at the door, I saw Sean's truck pull up and Miranda jump out of the passenger side.

"Hurry up and shower. You're coming to eat with us."

I sighed, not really wanting to go out, but since I hadn't eaten in quite some time, I reluctantly agreed. I hugged Sean and told them to make themselves at home.

I showered quickly, leaving my hair damp which turned it into a wavy mess, but left it as is. Sean had offered to take us to Seattle Sea, a local seafood restaurant near Seattle Center. I was starving and even though I would have preferred to crumple up on the couch with a slice of pizza, the idea of paid for seafood, with two very awesome people, made me happy. We took our seats in a booth and ordered drinks and appetizers.

"I was telling Sean that you have an admirer." Miranda's eye blinking was really making me want a stronger drink.

"I'm glad to hear it, Dallis. I'll be honest. I never really cared for Colby," Sean said, a sincere smile spread across his face.

"Really?" I asked, shoving a piece of bread into my mouth.

"I mean… he wasn't a bad guy or anything, but you just seemed stifled with him. Like the carefree Dallis, couldn't come out."

"Nobody stifles me, Sean. Nobody," I said, with a bit too much affirmation in my voice.

"Wrong choice of words. My bad." He playfully threw his hands up. "I just meant that, Colby is very stuffy, and sometimes that stuffiness had a way of filtering into you."

"I don't know about that. I just think you two grew apart," Miranda countered, and for the first time since the break-up, I felt better about it.

"That's most likely it. We just grew in separate directions. He really wanted to be married and I just couldn't picture it. There was no way I was just going to throw myself into something that I didn't want."

"And you shouldn't," Sean affirmed, bringing his Jack and Coke up to his lips. I spotted fresh ink on his fingers that looked like a chain of skulls when his fingers lined up horizontally. He reminded me a lot of Grayson, only he was much bulkier and a bit taller. "So what's the deal with this Grayson dude? Miranda says you two are totally into each other."

Finishing the bread I had just thrown into my mouth, I politely answered, "There is nothing up with us. He's a good-looking guy, and I was hired to do his pictures. That's it."

"Total bullshit," Miranda choked, "I can practically feel the heat rise in the room whenever you two get in contact with one another."

I rolled my eyes, but didn't argue. What could I say? She was right. There was a strange rise in temperature whenever Grayson came near me. No matter how much I tried to ignore this little fact, I couldn't erase the truth. Miranda had noticed it early on, and it was now up to me to finally acknowledge it.

"What's holding you back, Dallis?" Sean asked.

"Nothing. I just don't want to jump into anything right now," I responded, trying to put conviction into my words.

"Even if it's pounding on your door?" Miranda asked. "I know Colby has a lot to do with this, but you don't need to worry about judgments. You and Colby have been broken up long enough for you to happily move on."

Confusion spread over me like a flood. Was I really holding back on tackling my feelings for Grayson because of Colby, or was there another reason? I hadn't actually taken the time to try and figure out the answer to that question because I had spent so much time trying to suppress the feelings and emotions I felt whenever Grayson came around. As angry as I had been with Colby, I couldn't imagine that he would have this sort of hold over me. I had loved him, but towards the end of our relationship, I knew that I was no longer in love with him.

"I don't think it's necessarily Colby," I said, prompting Miranda to further investigate.

"Then what is it? Because if I were you right now, I'd be all over Grayson." She smiled over to Sean who gave her a questioning glance.

"I don't know," I replied.

Silence fell over the table for a minute and the server came out to take our orders, ending our moment of awkwardness. There was no more mention of Colby or Grayson; just conversation about Sean's work, his and Miranda's relationship, and the delicious food before us. I appreciated the break from thoughts and feelings. That earlier conversation had me ready to bolt out the door.

Sunday was spent in pajamas tackling the piles of laundry that had somehow accumulated without my notice. I turned my cell phone off, hoping to avoid all interruptions, and turned my music up while dancing around, folding clothes. I tried to keep the music up-beat, to keep my energy levels up while tackling my least favorite chore.

I stopped long enough to eat, making sure that I didn't die of starvation on my day of seclusion. What started as a monumental task quickly turned into relaxation, as I was left alone to my music. In a way, it made me much more productive.

After the third load, I took a rest break and lay down on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling and watched as the blades of the ceiling fan quickly moved in a circular motion. Sean and Miranda's words from the day before crept back into my head.  As much as I wanted to shut them out, they were pounding on my brain, beating me into submission until I listened to them.

Sean felt that I had been stifled by Colby, and Miranda thought I was reluctant to move forward in my dating life because of him. The thought never really dawned on me. I still thought about him, but they weren't thoughts of wanting him back, just thoughts of him. If I had been true to myself, my relationship with Colby would have ended a year and a half earlier, but I couldn't just walk out on the guy who had been a rock for me during one of the most traumatic times of my life. Of course, his companionship and devotion during my mother's struggle was another up-side to being with him, but I didn't feel like that was a reason to deny my true feelings for happiness any longer. Colby was the guy for me at the time, but he was in no way the guy for me now.

Grayson also ran through my head. If he truly wanted me, wouldn't he have asked already? I rudely clued him in on the fact that I was single, but, he still hadn't made any attempts to ask me out, or make his feelings anything other than ambiguous guesses. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I knew what I felt for him, and although I hadn't made my feelings known either, I didn't feel it was my place to make the first move.

My overwhelming bit of sulking was just starting to get the best of me when I heard the timer on the dryer go off. I jumped off the bed and made my way into the laundry room to retrieve my much needed, clean, linen-scented laundry. Standing there folding gave me a temporary focus away from the mind boggling chatter that I had recently had to sift through.

Chapter 9

Sleepless nights are the worst.

Even though Sunday had been a productive day, last night was anything but. I tossed and turned all night, for no particular reason. I texted Miranda to let her know that I would just meet her at Ada's since I would definitely need extra time trying to rid my face of the gallon sized bags that had formed underneath my eyes. The thought of drinking coffee from start to finish of the remodel did cross my mind, but I quickly rid my head of those thoughts and proceeded to the bathroom with hopes that a shower would somehow work magic on my tiresome body.

Only a speck of sunlight shone through the abundance of clouds filling the sky. It didn't matter to me, my mood fit the setting. I should have been excited to be going to Ada's--I'd be seeing Grayson--but my less than three hours of sleep really put a damper on my mood. I worked a couple of handfuls of mousse through my towel dried hair, put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, found my dark sunglasses, and walked out to my Jeep.

When I got to Ada's I saw the numerous vans full of supplies that Miranda would be using to transform the place per her vision. I lethargically sauntered into the coffee bar, trying desperately to spark some energy, but failing miserably. Miranda walked over to me, surprise radiating from her face.

"What the hell happened to you? You look like hell," she said, never once cracking a smile.

I gave her a curt smile. "Thanks, asshole." She pursed her lips. "I had a long night."

"I'll say. Good thing Grayson isn't here. I'd hate for him to see you like this."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me over near the bar. A mixture of relief and disappointment swirled around in my stomach. It was probably for the best that Grayson didn't see me like this, but on the other hand, I was kind of looking forward to staring into his ocean blue eyes, even if it was all I did. 

Tommy walked up with a giant smile spread across his face. I had only spent time with him at the photo shoot, but I liked him immediately, even if his look would have scared me in a dark alley.

"Can I get you anything, Dallis?"

I looked around the place to find only Miranda's crew wandering around, moving things here and there.

"Are you guys closed today?" I asked, still looking around trying to find any customers.

"Yeah. For the remodel."