Shattered Hearts ePub (12 page)

Silently, I nodded.  It wasn’t something I was proud of, but it was the truth.  “I thought once I left him, that chapter of my life would be over for good.  But I have flashbacks...nightmares...  I guess I’m not strong enough to get past it.”

“Not strong enough?” Nate repeated incredulously.  “Amanda, the first time I laid eyes on you, I thought there was no way you’d ever cut it as a farm hand.  You’re so tiny I figured you didn’t have the strength to handle the animals or the stamina to work in the field.  But you’ve proven me wrong time and time again.  You rise up to any challenge and you’re fearless.  I think you’re a hell of a lot stronger than you realize.”

“I’m not.”

His voice was quiet now, and raw with unbridled emotion.  There was anger in his stance and admiration in his eyes.  “You left that coward who was hurting you, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but I had to sacrifice everything and cut ties with my family to get away from him.”

“If that’s not strong, I don’t know what is.”

Maybe Nate had a point.

“I’m sorry things couldn’t be different,” I told him earnestly.  “I really liked you and I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise.  You’re a good man, Nate.  The woman who ends up with you will be very lucky.”  I fed Penny the last of her carrot and wiped my hands on my thighs.  “It’s late.  I should get inside.”

“Wait.”  Nate’s fingertips grazed the inside of my wrist like he was going to grab hold of me, but then he appeared to think better of it.  He kept his hands to himself and looked down at me.  The only light was from a lantern I’d carried out to the barn with me, and it illuminated his face in a way that made him look even sexier than usual. 

“Yes?”

“Do you still like me?”

“What?”

“You said you really liked me, past tense.  Do you still like me?  I can’t stop thinking about you, Amanda.  There’s something about you I can’t quite explain.”

Penny chose that moment to let out a snort.  Talk about bad timing!  We both stopped and looked at her in disbelief as she happily gnawed away at her carrot, oblivious to the seriousness of the conversation going on around her.  I saw a small grin tugging at the corners of Nate’s oh-so-kissable mouth and he patted her affectionately before turning his attention back to me.

“You’re so good with Penny and so kind to my sister.  The way you’ve been teaching her to cook is really sweet...I know it means a lot to her.  Honestly, you’ve made the house feel like a home again for the first time since our parents died.”

“I have?”

“Yes.  After the accident everything was just so...fractured.  We’re a family again thanks to you.  You’ve brought us together and, well, you’ve brought something out in me.  I love and hate that I can’t figure you out, but I’ll never stop trying.  You’re strong and delicate all at once, brave and vulnerable...”

“And hot and cold,” I added.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“But it’s true,” I acknowledged.  “You were right.  One minute things are good between us and the next I snap and turn on you for no reason.  One minute you were kissing me and I loved it.  The next, the way you touched my face triggered something and I flipped out.  It wasn’t you I was mad at...it was my ex.  But he wasn’t there and you were, so you became my target.  It’s like I’m punishing you for someone else’s misdeeds.  I don’t mean to, but it’s what I’ve been doing.  It isn’t fair to you.”

“It’s not fair you’ve gone through the things you have, either.”

He was right, of course.  And yet I constantly struggled with guilt, like being in an abusive relationship was somehow my own fault.  It wasn’t logical, but logic doesn’t always prevail in life.  If only it did.  “Yeah, well life isn’t fair.”

Nate took a step closer.  “We’ve been friends for a while now but I want more.  I want to be with you, Amanda.  You’re the sort of woman I’ve always wanted to meet, but I didn’t even know someone like you existed.  You’re not like the other girls around here.  You’re something special and you don’t even seem to know it.”

“But you told me you’re a simple guy,” I reminded him cautiously.  “You don’t like drama.  And it’s not that I
do
like drama because I really, truly don’t...but I can’t promise I won’t go off on you again.”

“I don’t care.”

It was hard to hide my surprise.  “You don’t?”

“No.  I’m tough.  I can take whatever you dish out.”

“But you said...”

“I know what I said.  I don’t like women who try to be manipulative,” he clarified.  “I dated a girl like that for a while and when it ended I swore I’d never get caught up in that nonsense again.  I suppose that’s why I got so annoyed when I thought you were playing head games with me.  But I understand now that you weren’t.  I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

“Nate...”

“I think about you all the time.  I want you.  We can take it as slow as you need to, I promise.”

“I’m pretty messed up,” I cautioned.  Then, amazed, I asked, “You really want to be with me?”

“More than anything,” Nate assured me. 

The flame inside me had reignited and I felt hopeful for the first time in days.  I hoisted myself up onto the wooden gate and then motioned for Nate to come closer.  Once he was standing between my thighs, I wrapped my arms around his neck and drew him in for a kiss.

This time he made no sudden movements.  I could tell he was being careful so he wouldn’t startle me, kind of like how we’d been mindful not to sneak up on Penny.  Like her, I was skittish.  But Nate was good with her and now that he finally knew the secret I’d been hiding, he was trying his best to be good with me too.

My body was screaming for relief.  It was begging for Nate’s caress.  Desire boiled up within me.  I looked over at the pile of hay in the corner of the barn and immediately fantasized about Nate picking me up and throwing me into it.  My mind was racing, alive with arousal.  I felt like I was getting drunk on Nate’s kiss.

Yes, he’d throw me into that haystack.  Then the next thing I knew, he’d be on top of me, tearing off my clothes and sucking on my neck as I writhed in longing.  I’d pull off his shirt and run my hands all over that rock hard, chiseled chest, marveling at how big and strong he was.  His hands would close around my breasts and he’d flick my tender pink nipples with his fingertips, teasing the sensitive nubs into hardness.  Then I’d spread my legs and he’d be inside me at long last, our bodies moving together in unity as our hearts beat to the same drum.

But of course, it was just a fantasy.

Getting it on in a hay pile probably wasn’t all that sexy anyway – it was one of those things best left to the imagination.  In reality, it would probably be rather itchy, and maybe a little scratchy.  And even though my body was craving Nate in ways that could make a sailor blush, my mind and heart just weren’t ready.

So instead I settled for the kiss, slow and lingering.  I could tell Nate was holding back in an attempt to be respectful.  I reached down and grabbed hold of his wrists, one in each hand.  Then I wrapped his arms around my waist as our tongues met for the very first time, silently letting him know it was okay to touch me.

Neither of us wanted the kiss to end.  That much was clear from our body language.  But very few things last forever, and the kiss was no exception.  When we parted, Nate stared into my eyes, a lock of his hair hanging sexily across his forehead.  I reached up and gently brushed it to the side.  He smiled at me.

“I’m not sleepy yet.  Are you?”

I shook my head.

“Do you want to go sit on the front porch?” he asked, clearly not wanting to say goodnight any more than I did.  “We can watch the sunrise.”

Nodding, I allowed Nate to lift me down from the fence, feeling like I was floating as he easily picked me up and then gently set me on my feet.  Hand in hand, we walked to the front porch.  Nate sat down in one of the wooden armchairs but this time I didn’t sit in the one next to him.  Instead I curled up in his lap, resting my head against the crook in his neck as his muscular arms closed around me.

Waiting for the sun to rise was often a tedious chore for me.  It was in the darkness that my nightmares lurked, waiting to terrorize me time and time again.  But now when I closed my eyes, all I could focus on was how good it felt to let Nate hold me.  I may have nodded off for a while as he cuddled me there in the darkness because when I opened my eyes next, I saw that dawn was breaking.

The sunset was hands down the most beautiful one I’d ever seen in my life.  The sky lit up with brilliant hues of peach and lavender as the sun emerged from the darkness, reborn and magnificent.  Its rays shone down on us, warming our skin and making a promise.  It was a new day full of potential, and it was ours.

These days, Penny looked me in the eye.  I was convinced there was hope for me to undergo a similar transformation.  Maybe one day Nate would be able to touch my face without making me flinch.  Maybe one day he wouldn’t have to think about where he was putting his hands or what buried emotions he might inadvertently unearth.  Was it really so crazy to think that one day we could have a normal, healthy relationship unmarred by my past experiences?

I used to wait for the sunset alone in the dark, anxiously pacing as though trying to outrun my past.  It had been exhausting. 

But now I had Nate to keep me company, his quiet presence reassuring and invigorating all at once.  He made the night seem less dark, less threatening.  In fact, he made everything seem brighter.  Leaning into him, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him hard, wanting to reassure myself that this was real.  I felt him kiss the top of my head and then, with a smile on my face, I fell asleep in his arms.

___

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Shattered Dreams (Shattered #2) by Octavia Wildwood

PREVIEW

It was the perfect day.  The sun was warm and the clouds had disappeared.  A gentle breeze kept us comfortable.  As I took a seat next to Maggie on the metal bleachers, I strained to find Nate down below.

I spotted him at once and my heart did a little backflip when I laid eyes on him.  I wondered if that feeling of pure joy I experienced any time we made eye contact or brushed against each other would ever go away.  I hoped it wouldn’t.

Nate was standing by the gate holding the reigns of a large black stallion.  He looked damn sexy in his leather chaps, a real live cowboy.  And he was
mine
.  My heart swelled with pride as he led the horse into the rodeo arena.  He looked strong and confident and, well,
ready
.

It wasn’t long ago that Nate hadn’t been able to get on a horse at all.  With my help, he’d managed to overcome the affliction he’d suffered from ever since his parents’ death.  Now he was about to do what he loved for the very first time since the car accident.  It was a big moment for him, and I couldn’t have been happier for him.

The cheers for Nate were loud, a reminder of what a name he’d made for himself in the world of rodeo.  Everyone was on his side, wanting to see him succeed after the tragedy that had struck his family.  I was right there with them, a big smile on my face as he climbed up on the horse and prepared for his event.

I watched him carefully, wanting to commit everything about this momentous occasion to memory.  But something was wrong.  The expression on his face wasn’t one of triumph.  It was one of emptiness.  That vacant stare worried me and I leaned forward in my seat, on pins and needles.

And then Nate was thrown. 

He went flying over the top of the horse, hurtling through the air.  Maggie cried out in alarm and I heard gasps from some of the people around us, but I couldn’t make a sound.  As I sat there watching the horror unfold, helpless to do anything about it, all I could do was silently scream inside.

There was an audible bang as some part of Nate’s body connected with the fence.  Then he slumped to the ground, facedown in the dirt.  Wide eyed, I waited for him to get up.  So did everyone else.  But he didn’t move a muscle.  In fact, I wasn’t sure he was even conscious.

Beside me, Maggie was screaming, tears streaming down her face.  “Get up, Nate!” she howled.  “Get up!”  The woman sitting next to her, who she’d been happily chatting with only minutes earlier, reached out and hugged her in an attempt to provide some comfort.

I couldn’t even react.  I was frozen in place, fear threatening to consume me.  It wasn’t until paramedics arrived on scene with a stretcher that I sprang into action, pushing my way through the crowd until I reached him.  I hopped the fence and no one tried to stop me – it was chaos down there. 

As the paramedics lifted Nate onto the stretcher, I didn’t like the way his entire body flopped around like he had no control over it.  His eyes were open but vacant, staring at something only he could see.  Blood was gushing from his nose, intermingling with mud and dirt.  His left arm was bent at an impossible angle.  It must have been excruciatingly painful but worryingly, he didn’t seem to be the least bit aware of it. 

“Nate!” I cried out, running to his side. 

His eyes didn’t even move.  Even as I peered into his face anxiously, there was no recognition.

“Nate, look at me!  Please, just look at me!” I wailed, desperate for some indication that he was still with me.  When I got no response whatsoever, I grabbed hold of his ripped shirt, but one of the paramedics stopped me.

“We’ve got to get him out of here
now
,” he told me, firmly pushing me aside.

As the paramedics carried Nate away, I stumbled after them.  Everything was a blur.  They loaded him into the back of an ambulance and one of the men hopped in the back alongside him, preparing him for the drive to the hospital.  I climbed in too, my whole body shaking in fear.  I took Nate’s hand, but it was clammy and cold.  When I squeezed, he didn’t squeeze back.

“Yeah, this is Bill,” I heard the paramedic in the driver’s seat say as he radioed ahead to the hospital.  “We’re coming in with a critical one.  It’s not looking good.”