Shattered Hearts ePub (8 page)

“Are you sure?” Nate asked anxiously.  He was more shaken up than I was, I noted in awe.

“I think I’m okay,” I managed to choke out once I was able to take in and release a few ragged breaths.  I reached out for Nate, my hand trembling, and he took it, squeezing tight.  Then, acting as though I was as delicate as glass, he carefully helped me sit up.

Nate sat behind me, using his own body to support my back.  I leaned against him heavily and concentrated on breathing. 
In and out...in and out...
I repeated the mantra in my head and bit by bit, inhaling became less painful.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Nate demanded worriedly as I half-sat and half-laid sprawled in his lap.  His big hands slid over my upper arms and down to my elbows before finding my wrists. I knew he was checking for broken bones.  But thankfully all he found were some bumps and bruises.

I nodded and began to pull myself up.  Then pain struck, creeping up on me from behind and taking me by surprise.  It was white hot, burning me.  I winced and fell back to the ground, landing hard in the dirt on my elbows.

“You’re hurt,” Nate said accusingly as he took me in his arms and set me upright.  Once he was satisfied that I could sit up on my own, he slid out from under me and positioned himself by my leg.  The look of utter panic on his handsome face was really something.  I hadn’t taken stoic cowboy Nate Avery for the type of guy who’d react with such concern.

He eased my sneaker off and that was when I realized I must have lost the second one in my fall.  I felt his hands underneath my heel, his touch little more than a whisper.  He meticulously inspected my ankle first and then, satisfied that it hadn’t snapped when I fell, slid his hands over my calf.  The examination continued like that for some time, Nate carefully checking my body for damage one inch at a time. 

When his hands reached my upper thigh I suddenly remembered all I was wearing was a flimsy white nightgown.  I’d embarrassed myself enough for one night, I decided.  I hastily did what I could to reposition myself in an attempt to preserve my modesty.

My breath caught in my throat when I moved my left hip.

“What is it?” Nate demanded at once.

“I must have landed hard on my hip,” I replied in between taking deep, measured breaths to try to control the pain.  I’d learned a long time ago how to manage absolute agony...how to smile through it, even.  Compared to some of the horrors I’d experienced, this was nothing.

But Nate didn’t know that.

“Don’t move,” he ordered.  “It might be broken.”

“It isn’t broken,” I replied dismissively. 

It was Nate’s first time seeing me injured, but it certainly wasn’t the first time I’d been hurt.  If I had a broken bone, I’d know it.  I was certain my injury was far less serious, so against Nate’s wishes, I half-crawled and half-dragged my battered body over to the fence and used one of the posts to pull myself to my feet. 

He watched me with his arms crossed and an expression on his face that I couldn’t quite name.

“See?” I said triumphantly once I was standing, eager to reassure him.  “I’m just a little banged up, that’s all.  I’ll be as good as new after an ice pack and a bit of rest.”

Wordlessly, Nate turned on his heel and stalked away.  I almost called him back but then I realized he was going to get Penny, who was observing us from afar.  If she was still afraid, I wanted him to comfort her...it wasn’t like I was in any shape to do it myself.  So I let him go, watching as he called her over, spoke to her in a hushed tone and then led her back to the barn. 

When Nate came back to me, his entire mood seemed to have shifted.  I was glad to see he was no longer worried, but I was dismayed to find that anger had replaced his concern for me.  Even in the moonlight I could see that his jaw was clenched and a scowl distorted his handsome features.  He didn’t speak to me.  In fact, he didn’t even look at me.

Wordlessly, Nate wrapped an arm around my waist and tried to help me hobble to the house, but our height difference made it difficult for me to comfortably put my arm around his neck.  So he picked me up, carrying me in his arms like a groom carrying his bride across the threshold. 

But there was impatience in his movements and a silent rage emanating off his body.

“I swear, I’m fine,” I said again, thinking maybe he didn’t believe me and was masking his fear with fury.  “I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“Sorry for scaring me?” he repeated incredulously.  “Is that all you’re sorry for?  What about how reckless you were?  ‘You don’t get to tell me what to do’ –
really
, Amanda?  I thought only bratty teenagers come out with shit like that.  What the hell were you thinking riding Penny out here alone in the middle of the night?” he demanded irately as he carried me to the house.  “What if I hadn’t been on the porch?  You could have lain out in the pasture injured all night!  I can’t believe you.”

“Put me down,” I ordered, dropping my arms from around his neck.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No.  Put me down right now and go back inside,” I insisted vehemently, feeling misplaced anger rise up from within me.  The voice coming out of me didn’t even sound like my own.  It was loud, rough and strong.  It was also enraged.  “Or don’t go back inside, whatever.  You can go to hell for all I care!”

Nate stopped in his tracks and looked at me.  I scowled at him.  So then he set me down.  I winced as I put my weight on my hip, but I held my ground even as he looked at me with uncertainty.  “Go on!” I yelled, wishing there was something within arm’s reach that I could throw to make my point.  “Get out of here!”

After Nate reluctantly left, I began the laborious task of dragging my beat up body into the house.  It brought back memories I’d have preferred to keep buried.  I hadn’t expected I’d find myself in this position yet again, even if the circumstances were markedly different.

By the time I limped into the house, I was fuming.  And Nate was pacing back and forth just inside the door, apparently waiting to make sure I made it in okay.  That put him right in my path of destruction. 

“You’re such an asshole!” I screamed even though I’d never been the screaming or name-calling type.  He looked shocked when I raised my voice, as though he hadn’t expected me to be capable of it.  For good measure, I added, “Fuck you!”

Nate’s reaction infuriated me even more, although in retrospect there was probably nothing he could have done at that moment that
wouldn’t
have provoked me.  I was sick of being underestimated.  I was sick of people assuming I was delicate and weak and spineless and shy just because I was a tiny, soft-spoken blonde girl with a sweet smile and porcelain skin. 

“I’m an asshole for calling you out back there?” he asked incredulously.

“No, you’re an asshole for trying to control everyone and everything!” I shouted.  “You’re always ordering Maggie around like you’re her father or something.  Guess what?  You’re so obsessed with sending her to college but if you’d actually
listen
to her you’d know she hates her classes!  But you don’t want to listen to her, do you?  All you want to do is control everything and everyone!”

“That’s not fair,” Nate interjected hoarsely.

“No, you know what’s not fair?  Not giving Maggie a say in her own life isn’t fair.  You’re not her father and she doesn’t need you to tell her what to do!  And you know what?  The same goes for me!  So quit being such a paternalistic asshole and let us make our own decisions!”

I had no idea why I dragged Maggie into it, or why I made that unfortunate reference to their deceased father.  The words just popped into my head and fell out of my mouth before going through any type of filter.  I felt bad about it later, sure.  But in that instant, I felt nothing but satisfaction when I saw Nate cringe.

“Are you drunk?” he demanded, clearly taken aback by my uncharacteristic behavior.

“No, but I could smell the beer on your breath when you picked me up outside!” I retorted.  I associated that smell with ugly, vile things.  “What are you, an alcoholic?  Is that why you sit out on the porch all night drinking instead of having any semblance of a life?”

“I’m not an alcoholic,” he said sharply.

“Sure, that’s what they all say,” I chided, pushing past him so I could retrieve a bag of frozen peas from the fridge freezer.  Then I turned on my heel and marched past him, trying my damnedest not to wince.  With my head held high, I exited the room feeling proud that I’d had the courage to stand up to a man who was trying to control me.

Then a moment later I had to swallow that pride and drag myself back into the kitchen.

Nate was seated at the dining room table with his head in his hands.  He looked up when he heard me and the expression on his face said it all.  He was bracing himself for another attack.  I felt a twinge of guilt.

“Nate,” I said, trying to work up my nerve.

“Yes?”

“I can’t make it down the stairs myself,” I confessed sheepishly.  I’d tried.  Gritting my teeth, I’d given it my best shot, not wanting to have to make the walk (well, limp) of shame back to the kitchen to ask for help.  But it had been too much.

Obligingly, Nate followed me over to the stairs and then picked me up, carrying me down to my bedroom.  His touch was gentle and even after all the horrible, unfair things I’d said to him, he was careful with me.  I leaned my head against his chest and wished I could take it all back. 

There were all kinds of things I wanted to say to him – apologies, mostly – but it was as though invisible tape had been put over my mouth.  So I just pressed my ear to his chest and listened to his heart pounding inside of him.  The beats matched my own.

Maybe I hadn’t quite figured out the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  It was more complicated than I’d thought.  Why couldn’t anything ever just be simple?

T
he next morning my hip and upper thigh were stiff and sore, but it was nothing unmanageable.  A long hot shower helped immensely, limbering me up after my tumble from Penny’s back.  Even so, the thought of putting on a pair of pants was too much, so I settled for one of the few skirts I owned: a simple knee-length denim one.

Once I was dressed, I hobbled upstairs to the kitchen.  The stairs were manageable this morning, whereas they’d been unfathomable last night.  That was a good sign.  I was on the mend.

Maggie was home.  I could hear her chattering excitedly overtop of the clink of spoons connecting with bowls.  Sure enough, she and Nate were seated at the kitchen table and there were no less than six boxes of cereal set out in front of them.  She hadn’t been kidding when she said she’d gone overboard at the grocery store!

“You might say I bought too much cereal but it isn’t true,” Maggie was cheerfully informing her brother.  “See, if you mix it all together like I did, it turns into a super-cereal.  It’s like, amazing.  After just one bite, you’ll never want ordinary cereal ever again, trust me.  You should try it!”

“No thanks,” Nate replied, covering his bowl with his hand as Maggie attempted to tip a box of cereal overtop of it.  “You know Mags, there’s a reason I usually skip breakfast...”  Then he looked up and saw me standing there.  He sat up straighter in his chair.  “You managed the stairs.  I was just about to come down to see if you needed help,” he informed me.

“What are you talking about?” Maggie demanded, looking from Nate to me and clearly sensing the tension in the air.  “What happened?  Are you alright, Amanda?”

“Oh I’m fine,” I assured her, making sure to keep my tone light.  Even though she wasn’t much younger than me, I felt like a protective mother hen when it came to Maggie.  The last thing I wanted was to worry her.  “I had a bit of a fall last night, that’s all.  It’s nothing.”

“Okay, good,” she breathed, her relief evident.  Then she looked down at her wristwatch.  “Oh no, I’m going to be late for my stupid online class discussion,” she exclaimed, pushing her chair back from the table so hastily she nearly tipped it over.

With a touch of amusement, I watched as she stuck her spoon her mouth, grabbed her bowl of cereal from the table and stole a banana right out of her brother’s hand before rushing out of the kitchen.  A moment later her footsteps pounded on the stairs as she presumably ran up to her bedroom to find her laptop.

But my amusement dissipated as soon as Maggie was gone.  Now that it was just me and Nate alone in the kitchen, I was reminded of the ugly scene that had played out between us.  I edged closer to the table until I was able to lean against the back of the chair directly across from him. 

“About last night,” I began, fully prepared to admit my wrongdoing.

“You were right,” Nate cut me off.  “I mean, I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, but you’re right that I spend most nights sitting on the porch.  Ever since the car accident, I’ve had trouble sleeping.  So at some point I got in the habit of taking a beer or two out to the rocking chair and staring at the stars until the sun comes up.”

I was startled by his honesty.  “I have trouble sleeping too,” I confided.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

“That’s not important,” I replied, brushing his inquiry aside.  “What matters is that I should have listened to you when you told me to dismount.  I didn’t think I was being reckless.  I don’t know what I was thinking...maybe I wasn’t thinking at all,” I confessed.  “I got caught up in the moment.  I don’t know what went wrong, but it’s my fault.” 

It hurt to think I’d misread Penny and if I’d pushed her too far by trying to ride...well, to me that was an unforgiveable betrayal of her trust. 

“Actually,” Nate replied, “I saw a snake in the grass when I went to take her back to the barn.  It was just a harmless fox snake, but they’re kind of rare around here so it may have been the first time Penny had ever seen one.  I’m betting that’s what spooked her.  That’s why she reared.  It was nothing you did and nothing that could have been helped.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked, puzzled.

“Thank you for telling me about the snake in the grass,” I replied.  “After how horrible I was to you last night, I would have thought you’d just keep it to yourself and let me continue thinking I was in the wrong.”