Shattered Hearts ePub (7 page)

Gavin’s body stiffened.  “What?”

“Well you don’t,” I repeated.  “I like being here.  I’ll work for free.”

He looked at me then, a puzzled, intrigued expression on his face.  “What are you even talking about?  Are you secretly filthy rich or something?” he demanded, simultaneously amused and perplexed.

“No,” I said simply as I thought of my nearly-empty bank account.  “I’m definitely not rich.”

“Good.”

It was my turn to be confused.  “Good?” I repeated, not understanding.  “How is that good?”

“I hate rich people, so I’m glad you’re not one of them,” he explained matter-of-factly.  “Maggie says it’s irrational but I don’t care.  I can’t help the way I feel.  Some people hate heights or mice or broccoli.  And I hate rich people.”

“I see,” I said, even though I didn’t really.

“Anyway, it’s sweet of you to offer to work without pay,” Nate said, giving me a small, affectionate squeeze.  “And I’m glad you’re happy here with us – Maggie absolutely loves having you here and, well, I do too.  But of course we’re going to keep paying you.  It’s only right.  Don’t underestimate your value.”

It felt good to be so physically close to him...it made me extra aware of my body and my femininity.  And it wasn’t only our physical proximity that was making my heart palpate.  Emotionally, I also felt extremely close to him. 

I hadn’t let anyone that close to me in ages; at some point I’d simply shut down.  In fact, until now I hadn’t been sure I was capable of opening up to anyone...but here I was.  It was intimidating but it also felt good. 

“I hate seeing you worry,” I said.  I knew he was weighed down by anxiety about the past and the future.  It was no wonder he had such a short fuse with everything he was trying to deal with.  More than anything I wished I could help lighten his load.  He had broad shoulders but even the strongest man has his breaking point. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured soothingly.  His tone was so kind and loving that it was almost as though he was whispering to Penny, not wanting to frighten her away.  But I was stronger than the white mare...or at least I thought I was.  I didn’t need Nate to protect me the way he tried to shelter his sister.  I only wanted him to let me in.

“But I mean it,” I insisted.  “I’ll do anything I can, just tell me what you need.  Please.  Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked as we sat there huddled together in our protective imaginary cocoon where the world couldn’t get at us.

“You’re doing it right now,” he replied gratefully, making no move to get up.

“Y
ou’re lucky to have me.  No other man would want you.”

“Shut up, no one wants to hear what you think.  Your mouth is only good for one thing, and it isn’t talking.  Now get on your knees.  Slut.”

“God, Amanda, you’re so stupid.  You should be grateful I even stay with you.  I don’t know why I do when I could have women ten times hotter than you who have actual tits instead of those ugly mosquito bites of yours.  I guess I pity you because you’re so damn pathetic.”

“
What
did you say to me, bitch?  I’m going to make you wish you’d never opened your stupid whore mouth.  Get over here.  Ha, are you trying to run away from me?  You seriously think you can escape me?  That’s so cute.  Now stop that crying – I haven’t even given you anything to cry about yet!”

“I only did it because I love you.  It was your fault, anyway.  If it wasn’t for you provoking me then this never would have happened.  Now wipe the blood off your face and get up.  That looks like it’s going to leave a bruise.  See what you made me do?”

I sat up with a start, the bedsprings creaking in protest beneath me.  The four walls of the basement bedroom greeted me, steady and unwavering.  I wasn’t back there in California, thank God.  No, I was in Minnesota, safely tucked into bed at the Avery farm.  I breathed a massive sigh of relief and waited for my heart rate to return to normal.

It didn’t matter that I was in a different state, far away from my ex-boyfriend.  I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping anymore...not after a nightmare like that.  I could practically feel him there on top of me and smell the alcohol on his breath as he grabbed me by the upper arms, squeezing so tightly that I nearly cried out. 

If I closed my eyes, it was almost like he was shaking me again, throwing me back and forth like a limp little ragdoll until my skull hit the headboard of the bed with a sickening
crack
.  I could feel the impact.  I could smell the stench of beer on my ex’s breath.  I could taste the blood as I bit down hard on my tongue, the world spinning out of control before I lost consciousness.

I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes shut a moment longer.

I could see the moonlight streaming in the basement window.  I knew after the hot day we’d had, it would be a warm, sultry night. So I walked upstairs and went outside wearing only my white cotton nightgown, stopping only to slide my bare feet into the sneakers I’d left sitting on the front porch.

My nightgown billowed behind me in the light breeze as I made my way across the yard.  It was dark, but the moon offered some guidance – and besides, I’d been at the farm long enough to know my way around by heart now. 

There was no question about where I was going.  Of course, I was on my way to visit Penny.

All I’d intended to do was creep over to the barn and watch her sleep.  It would be soothing, reassuring.  But when I got there, I saw that Penny wasn’t asleep.  Her eyes were wide open and she looked me with interest as I slowly approached her, murmuring words of reassurance to her.

When she saw it was me, Penny seemed to relax.  She’d come to trust me, allowing me to take liberties that absolutely stunned Nate and Maggie.  They said I’d worked a miracle on the skittish white mare and were completely in awe of the bond that had developed.  Maggie had told me once that just like their mother, I had the magic in me.  Nate hadn’t disagreed.

“Hi sweetheart,” I whispered, stroking Penny’s sleek coat.  “You can’t sleep either, huh?  Do you want to go to the pasture?” I asked, knowing how much she liked to be free in wide open spaces.  “Let’s go for a walk, okay?”

I got Penny ready and then gently took her by the reins, leading her out to the pasture.  It was dark but the moonlight lit our way, illuminating the ground beneath us.  I could tell Penny was eager to get out there and was happy I could bring her some joy.  Until I’d come to the farm, I realized, I’d never truly felt useful.

A year or two ago, my self-esteem had been virtually non-existent.  After being beaten down verbally and physically on a regular basis with no one to turn to for support or solace, I’d come to believe the insults that were hurled at me.  I’d come to accept that I was no good, worthless and a waste of space.  Even after I’d broken free of those metaphorical chains and moved to Los Angeles, it had taken a long time to reprogram the way I thought.

Though she didn’t know it, my friend Mina Sinclair was the woman I looked up to most.  She was independent and strong-willed (some would say stubborn).  She wasn’t easily persuaded by others and she never lost sight of her goals.  Maybe if I’d been more like her, I wouldn’t have gotten so hopelessly tangled up with the wrong person.  And I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with him as long as I did.

These days, I tried my hardest to mimic Mina.  Maybe it was because I needed an unbreakable woman to look up to, or maybe it was because I still wasn’t sure who I was.  Little by little, my identity had been chipped away along with my dignity and self-respect.  But I was determined to dig my heels in and reclaim what was stolen from me.  I had to.  To give up would be to let my monster of an ex win.

Fleeing my hometown and working for Gavin Rothe had been the start of my healing process.  I’d never told my boss what I was running from, exactly.  All he knew was that I’d left a bad relationship and needed a job.  I’d decided early on that he didn’t need to know any more than that.  No one did.

But even when I’d worked at Gavin’s restaurant, I’d known I wasn’t needed – not really.  He pitied me, so he found me work.  But I didn’t feel like I offered anything of value to his business.  If I wasn’t there, it wouldn’t have affected much at all.

At the Avery farm, it was different.  Maggie and Nate were depending on me to help save the family farm.  And I was rising to the challenge, meeting all of their expectations and then some.  I was growing physically stronger and maybe even mentally stronger, too.  I finally felt like I had a purpose, a talent, something I was good at.

Penny was looking at me.

I smiled at her and leaned my head against her neck.  “You and I have a lot in common,” I told her as my finger traced over the small scar above her eye.  I had a similar one on my neck, though my long hair usually hid it.  “I hope you don’t have nightmares like I do.”  I patted her side gently.  “You’re my inspiration, Penny, do you know that?”

She wasn’t the sort of horse you ride.  Nate probably could have managed it thanks to his rodeo experience, but Penny probably would have freaked out and tried her best to buck him off.  Yet as I stood there next to her in the moonlight, I felt an unquenchable urge to try to climb onto her back.  And even more surprising, I felt strangely confident that I’d be able to do the impossible.

Penny wasn’t wearing a saddle, but that didn’t matter.  I’d taken some equestrian lessons as a child because my mother thought it would impress her snooty friends if her daughter rode.  As it turned out, I’d been a natural.  Riding wouldn’t be a problem for me.  It was getting on that might present a challenge.  My height was not working in my favor.

I led Penny over to the wooden fence and then climbed up on it, my nightgown billowing whimsically in the breeze.  “Don’t be afraid,” I told her as I prepared to swing my leg over her back.  “I’d never hurt you.”  Then I hoisted myself up and onto the beautiful white mare.

She didn’t protest.  I felt her body stiffen up beneath me, but I quickly leaned down and whispered reassurances in her ear.  She calmed.  And then the next thing I knew, we were riding, galloping through the night in that wide open pasture like we were floating on the wind.  It was magical and wonderful and better than I could have ever imagined.

My hair blew behind me as Penny ran, free at last.  No one would ever hurt her again.  That knowledge filled me with such a sense of hope that I dared to think maybe the same would be true for me.  I’d summoned up the courage to leave my abuser, courageously walking – no,
running
– away from my former life.  It had been terrifying, but I’d done it. 

Maybe in a sense, I was free now too.

I shut my eyes momentarily, a smile on my face.  When I reopened them, I happened to glance toward the house and saw the light on the front porch switch on.  Nate stepped out onto the porch clad only in green flannel pajama pants and sneakers, a bottle of beer in one hand and a folded up newspaper in the other.

He took a swig of beer, oblivious to my presence.  Then he looked up and saw me a short distance away perched on top of Penny.  A look of sheer panic was on his face as dropped everything.  I could hear the glass shatter as the bottle hit the porch.  Then he leapt off the front steps and ran toward me, never taking his eyes off me.

At first I thought he was going to inadvertently spook Penny in his haste to reach us, but then he regained his senses and slowed down some.  Even so, the urgency in his pace was evident.

“Amanda, what are you doing?” he hissed, sounding terrified.  “Get down from there.”

“I’m fine,” I reassured him, wanting the moment to last as long as possible.  “It’s okay.”

“No, seriously,” he insisted, edging closer and closer until he stood at the edge of the fence.  “Get down from there right now before you get hurt.”

His tone was stern now, like he meant business.  It set something off inside me.  I was still very much on edge after my nightmare.  Dreams about my ex always left me feeling violated, like he’d somehow managed to worm his way into my subconscious and was still controlling me.  So when Nate tried to tell me what to do, I snapped.  I knew he only had my well-being in mind, but I didn’t care. 

“You don’t get to tell me what to do!  I make my own decisions, understand?” I informed Nate icily before guiding Penny away from the fence – and away from him. 

He shouted something after me, but it was lost in the wind.  I didn’t want to hear whatever he was saying anyway.  What Nate wanted me to do didn’t matter.  When I left my ex, I vowed that no man was ever going to control me again.  It was a promise that I intended to keep.

Penny and I raced through the night.  I could tell she was having the time of her life.  I could feel Nate watching me disapprovingly from across the pasture, but I didn’t care.  Let him disapprove.  He wasn’t going to tell me what to do.  And besides, Penny and I understood each other.  She wasn’t afraid of me, so I wasn’t in danger.

No sooner than that thought crossed my mind, I felt a jolt beneath me.  Penny broke her stride and my eyes widened as I tried to figure out why.  Then she let out a distressed whinny and in that instant, I knew she was about to rear.  There was no time to try to calm her down and there was no rewind button.  All I could do was try to relax my body as I was violently bucked from her back and thrown into the air. 

The fall happened quickly, but to me it felt like it was all taking place in slow motion.  When I landed, in that millisecond before the pain traveled through my nerve endings to my brain, I somehow managed to roll out of the way so Penny’s hooves wouldn’t come crashing down on me.  Then I laid there motionless, the wind completely knocked out of me.

“Amanda!” Nate shouted.  I was dimly aware of him leaping over the fence and running to my side.  I’d never seen anyone move so fast in my life.  And when he fell to the ground beside me, kneeling over me and peering into my face, I’d never seen anyone look so concerned in my life.

“Don’t try to move,” he advised.  “I’ll go get help.”

“Don’t.”  It took every bit of strength I had to get that one word out.