Shattered Rose (27 page)
Authors: T L Gray
We made our way back down the mountain and enjoyed the sunset together out on the deck. Parker told me all his stories from Christmas, and I spent most of the time laughing so hard my side hurt. His brother and family were in the States for the holiday and their three-year-old son was quite the showboat, always looking for new ways to get everyone’s attention. It sounded like an amazing time, and I couldn’t help but hope one day I would get to meet them.
Parker grilled us a wonderful meal, and it honestly felt like I had stepped into a perfect world I never wanted to leave. He didn’t even watch me while I ate, which I was sure would happen once he knew my secret. In fact, the knowledge of it didn’t seem to change us at all. It almost made me wonder why I had kept it hidden for so long.
We started a fire and then stretched out on pillows and
blankets that Parker put on the floor for us. The fire was crackling, and I could hear Parker breathing as my head rested quietly on his chest.
“Can I ask you a question about it?” Parker asked hesitantly after a few minutes of silence.
“I guess that’s fair after dropping it on you like that.” I was trying to make light of it, but deep down I was nervous.
“When is the last time you did it?”
“Finals week, and before that it was the night we walked along the river,” I answered honestly. “I’ve gotten to the point where it’s not a daily struggle anymore, but I seem to get just shy of that one month point, and then something triggers it. It’s like this elusive goal I can’t seem to reach.”
“You’ll reach it. I know that without question,” he said confidentl
y. “And what about your friend? Is she still there for you to talk to?”
My heart tugged a little as I thought of the estranged relationship between Cara and me. “No, our friendship wasn’t able to handle her knowing,” I answered with regret. “It wasn’t her fault…it was all me.”
He seemed to hold me tighter, and I wondered if he was questioning like I was, if ours too, would fail this test. I suddenly felt nervous and wanted reassurance that we were still close, that he still wanted me like he used to. I rolled over and started kissing him, moving my body to where it was completely on top of his. He responded as I’d hoped and kissed me back with all the passion and desire he once had. I felt desperate to be closer to him, like I wanted his body to completely envelope me into it. I straddled his waist and started kissing his neck and his ear. I could feel him respond and the more passionately he kissed me, the bolder I became.
He sat up and pulled me close to him to where our torsos where right up next to each other. I had never wanted him so badly and pulled his shirt off with such force that my body was shaking. He grabbed the back of my head and brought our lips together with such intensity that every one of my senses were awakened.
But like always, he slowly put the breaks on and left me panting, wanting so much more.
“Don’t you want me?” I asked breathless, staring at him.
“Of course I want you, Avery. You have no idea how badly, but we’re not ready for this,” he said, looking as flushed as I was.
I got off his lap and turned away. I could hear him put back on his shirt and come sit next me as I faced the fire.
“Avery, if we do this now. It will confuse everything.”
“What if it doesn’t? What if it makes it better?” I asked, trying not to sound as desperate as I felt.
“It won’t.”
“You don’t know that, Parker.”
“Yes, I do,” he stated softly. “Avery, we aren’t there yet. I know you don’t fully understand my faith, but I pray one day you will. I believe that sex is meant for marriage, when two people are promised for a lifetime. If we cross that boundary now, we can’t go back, and it will give us a sense of closeness to each other that we are not emotionally ready for.”
I put my head in my hands, not wanting to hear what he was saying. How was it possible that I was trying to convince a twenty-one year old man to have sex with me? It seemed laughable.
“Avery, part of what’s so special in our relationship is the journey, and I don’t want to take any step for granted.” He moved a piece of hair off my face and looked pleadingly at me, trying to get me to understand.
“So you’ve never been tempted?”
“Tempted? Yes, Avery, all the time, especially since I met you,” he answered honestly. “But I’ve never acted on it, and I try my best not to put myself in compromising situations.” I turned my head away, ashamed I couldn’t give the same answer. He was quiet for a long time and then asked, “Have you?”
I didn’t say a word, just stared at him with all the shame and hurt consuming me and looked back down at my knees.
He let out a long sigh and laid back on the floor with his hands over his head. “Jake,” he said flatly, his contempt apparent. “Is there anything that guy didn’t take from you?” He wasn’t really talking to me anymore—just seemed to be asking the air.
I felt the tears start to come and wanted to crawl in
to the deepest hole I could find. He was too good for me, and he deserved better. I knew it, and it was only a matter of time before he realized it too.
After he seemed to have time to process the new information, he sat back up and wrapped his arms around me. I immediately relaxed into him, wanting to enjoy the last few moments I had before it was all taken from me.
“It doesn’t change anything for me,” he whispered softly.
“How
can it not?” I asked through my tears.
“I won’t lie, I hate it. I hate it so much that it makes my stomach turn when I think of you with him. I don’t think I’d be human if that weren’t true.” He stopped talking for a second and then moved my hair so he could kiss my shoulder. “You have to understand, though, when I look at you…I just see you…nothing else. And I’m in love with you.
I don’t care about your past. I see who you are becoming.” His voice was soft, and I felt like his words were caressing every inch of my soul.
That day with Parker had been the most amazing of my life, and even though I felt physically drained when he walked me to my door, I was more emotionally sure than I had ever been in my life. He kissed me goodbye with all the tenderness I had come to love about him, and I shut the door.
Jake was on the couch, sleeping, and I looked at him resting peacefully. He still looked strangely confident and vulnerable at the same time, but different tonight, less enchanting somehow. I could see him clearly, without blinders, for the first time. I stepped quietly in my room. There was no confusion tonight.
“Lord, I pray that she will soar like the eagle’s wings and that you will enable her to stand on the heights…”
18
. new year’s
The day of the ball was finally here, and I felt as giddy as a school girl. Issy was in her own frenzy, getting the apartment ready for the “epic” party she had planned for tonight. I helped her by vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen, although I couldn’t understand why she cared when her friends were just going to trash the place within fifteen minutes of getting there.
“Are you sure you want to do this,
Issy? New Year’s parties have a bad habit of getting out of control,” I asked as we cleaned.
She gave me a disapproving look and scolded, “Avery, you are way too practical. I am the queen of party hosting; I practically do it all the time at other people’s apartment. This time I won’t
have to go anywhere. Besides, it’s all apartment folks, so they will totally go home when it’s over.”
“Did you invite Danny and Aaron?” I asked hesitantly.
Issy and I hadn’t discussed him in a while, but I’d run with him the other day and he seemed to be doing better.
Issy
rolled her eyes and grabbed her phone. “You don’t want to go there. I’m still trying to decide how you are going to make this one up to me.” She handed me her phone and pressed play on the voicemail. The sound of Danny’s voice was heartbreaking. He was obviously drunk and slurring his words, and he went from yelling at her to telling her how much he cared about her.
I looked at
Issy who had her eyebrow raised and was tapping her finger on the countertop. “That little message got him put right on the blocked caller’s list,” she said flatly. It amazed me that she could have no compassion for him at all. I shook my head and handed the phone back to her.
Minutes later, Jake was hauling in kegs with a dolly, and I cringed when I saw there were three of them. I
felt grateful Issy’s family was wealthy because I had a bad feeling that this place was going to need some serious work in the morning.
I pulled off the latex gloves I was wearing, the fumes from the cleaning products starting to make me dizzy, and went to my room to go change. I needed to get a run in before Parker came to pick me up. It was a two and a half hour drive to the ball, and we were leaving at three-thirty to give us plenty of time to get there. Parker tried to explain all the military jargon an
d expectations to me, but they were way over my head. It all seemed to boil down to the fact that we couldn’t be late.
Jake looked up as I walked past him and shot me his signature smile…no butterflies came. “You’re going to be here, right? It’s only fitting that you would toast in the New Year with us,” he asked flirtatiously.
“Um, no, I have plans tonight with Parker. We are going to a military ball.”
“Sounds horribly boring,” he replied, raising his eyebrows as if I felt the same way. If he was trying to be charming, he was failing miserably.
I shot him a dirty look and turned away. “No, it doesn’t.”
“So, are you two going to get all shacked up in a sleazy hotel tonight and finally consummate this relationship?”
Issy asked from the kitchen in her usual playful tone.
“
Issy!” Jake and I yelled in unison.
“Why don’t you two worry about your party and not what I’m doing,” I retorted, frustrated with their implications. “I’ll be back tonight, but it will be well past midnight, and my clothes will have stayed on.”
Jake rested his arm on the bar and smiled mischievously at me. “I’ll be here when you get back.” I rolled my eyes and slammed my door. He frustrated me so much. Their comments did nothing but cheapen the relationship I had with Parker, one that went well beyond parties or lust. It was real and honest, and I refused to let them ruin what I knew would be a perfect evening.
Hours later, I stood staring at myself in the mirror. I was ready to go, wearing the most beautiful gown I had ever owned. I piled my hair up on my head and just let multiple ringlets hang down around my face and down my back. The exquisite shawl Issy had given me hung around my shoulders, and I chose long silver earnings as my only accessory. I examined every inch of my body and face, and it looked different tonight. My reflection wasn’t perfect, but I was ok with it. I could even see the beauty in it.
The clock said 3:20 p.m.
, and I knew Parker would be here soon. I stepped out of my room, making sure to lock the door. Jake was standing near Issy’s room talking to her as she got ready. He glanced my way, and I saw his face change. It was look I’d never seen before, but so intense that I had to look away.
I heard a knock on the door and Jake yelled, “Come in,” without once taking his heated eyes off me. I started to feel insecure, wondering what he was thinking, until I saw Parker step through the door. He looked breathtakingly handsome in his military uniform. It looked much like a tuxedo, complete with a bow tie, but had metals on the front and rank on the shoulders.
The uniform fit him perfectly and showed off how incredibly fit he was.
He walked right up to me without saying a word, and I immediately felt good again. I looked in his eyes, realizing how lucky I was and how absolutely special this man was to me. He was gentle and loving and made me feel like a princess.
“You’re a vision,” he said softly.
I smiled playfully and looked him up and down. “You’re pretty dashing yourself, soldier.” I felt his fingers lightly touch my face as he leaned down for a soft kiss, not wanting to mess up my masterpiece.
We said our goodbyes, and Issy was over the moon about how we looked. She doted and cheered and of course made inappropriate comments, but she was sweet, and I couldn’t help but hug her before I left. She had made all this possible. Jake didn’t say a word, but I didn’t expect him to, nor did I need him to. Tonight wasn’t about him.
We got to the car, and Parker stopped me before I opened the door.
“I have something for you,” he said as he pulled out a long, white jewelry box. “I know we already did Christmas, but I saw this and it reminded me so much of you that I had to get it.”
I opened the box and pulled out a delicate silver necklace that had an intricately carved silver rose in the center of it. It was finest piece I’d ever seen and the detailing was so precise, there was even one small thorn on the side of the stem.
“It’s beautiful,” I exclaimed.
He put the necklace on me and stared lovingly in my eyes. “It’s a gift for when you reach the one month point. You can look at it every day and know you accomplished the impossible.”
Tears immediately hit my eyes as I reflected on what an incredibly insightful gift it was. He believed in me. “Why the rose?” I asked as I ran my fingers over the delicate metal.
“It’s the perfect balance of softness and strength…just like you.”
I reached up and hugged him tightly, not caring if I wrinkled him or me. No words would express what I was feeling, and I just hoped that my touch could. He hugged me back, reciprocating all I felt and then kissed me softly before opening my door.
The drive to Charlotte went by quickly as Parker explained all the ceremonial things I needed to know for the dinner. There were rules on standing and toasting and even what type of dinner conversation was acceptable. I started to worry, but he assured me that all the rules were for the cadets and not for their dates.
We pulled up to the hotel and a valet took Parker’s car. It was a beautiful building that had to be at least one hundred years old. Inside, there was a large entryway with an enormous staircase that went up one level and then split into two smaller staircases going in opposite directions. The entire hotel was decorated for Christmas and had three large Christmas trees, each artfully decorated in creams and reds, and rich greenery laced through the railing along the stairs.
We ascended the stairs to the second floor where a large banquet room was full of round tables with one long table at the front of the room.
No one was sitting yet, and Parker led us to a reception area where all the other couples were mingling and getting drinks from the bar. The men all looked the same in their uniforms, but Parker was by far the most handsome one there, and I felt proud to be next to him.
He introduced me to his friends and to his commanders, who were all very polite and complimentary. Even the women, usually standoffish towards me, were friendly and seemed genuinely happy to be there. Anytime I started to feel nervous or overwhelmed with all the new people, Parker would subtly rub my back or squeeze my hand, and I would immediately calm down. He seemed to be completely in tune to me, and to what I was feeling at any given moment. I had no idea how he always knew.
I heard a bell ring, and Parker indicated it was time to get seated. We entered into the vast dining area and found our table, our names delicately etched on a piece of parchment above our place setting. We stood until the head table arrived, and then Parker pulled out my chair, indicating we could now take our places.
The dinner actually turned out to be pretty fun. In front of the head table, there was a toilet bowl full of eatable things, lik
e orange juice, Dr. Pepper, marshmallows, and gummy bears, just to name a few. They were mixed together to create something that could only be described as disgusting. Each time one of the cadets would do something to break “the rules” Parker had told me about, they would have to report to the head table, salute and take a drink from the bowl. Even Parker ended up taking two trips. He was so charming and gracious about it that I joined in with the laughter of the group. It was obvious they thought as highly of him as I did.
The dinner bell chimed for a second time, which signified the end of dinner, and each table stood while the head table departed first. When it was our turn, Parker led us back to the reception area where they had opened several large doors that lead to a breathtaking ballroom, complete with wood floors and stunning chandeliers. The ornate windows were all stained glass, giving the atmosphere one of hist
orical charm. The band on stage welcomed us in and started the evening with a perfect rendition of Frank Sinatra’s
Fly me to the Moon
.
Parker glanced toward the dance floor, a smile creeping across his broad lips. “Would you like to dance, my lady?” he asked with a slight bow.
I blushed and took his hand, already swept off my feet. Parker was incredibly light on his feet and boldly took the lead as we danced, circling us all around the dance floor. The music seemed to jump off the walls and touch every inch of my being as Parker mouthed the words, “I love you” with the song. It was magical, better than any dream I could have ever conjured up, and I wanted to pinch myself just to believe it was really my life. I felt like Cinderella at the ball, only I wouldn’t lose my handsome prince at midnight.
The music continued all night, ranging from current hits to timeless classics. Parker and I danced the night away, getting lost more than once in each other’s arms. When it was nearing midnight, waiters came around passing out champagne to every person. The whole room started the count down and with each
number, I felt the weight of the year start to fall off my shoulders. I had done it. At midnight, it will have been one month, and there was nothing but promise in the New Year.
We clicked our glasses together as we cheered, “Happy New Year!” Parker gathered me in his arms and kissed me with all the joy and promise that encapsulated the room. Others came by to hug us or kiss our cheeks, but I was always acutely aware of Parker’s presence, making eye contact every chance I got.
The high we got from the evening remained as we drove home, the hum of the car engine matching the peace and comfort we felt with one another. I was tired, but was willing myself to stay awake and talk to Parker for the duration of the drive, not wanting him to get drowsy himself. He seemed alert, and perfectly comfortable behind the wheel, allowing me to dose off for just a few minutes.
The sound of gravel under the tires brought me back to consciousness
, and I sat up startled, unsure where we were.
“
Shh. It’s ok, we just got home,” Parker said softly, rubbing his hand on my back.
“I slept the whole way?” I asked horrified. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why? I loved watching you sleep,” he assured me with a smile.
The lights were on when I looked up towards my apartment and dreaded the scene I was going to walk into.
Parker opened my door and walked me upstairs. It was almost three o’clock in the morning, and I knew he was tired. I tried to get him to go home, but as usual, he first insisted on seeing me safely to my door. It was cracked open when we got to it, and I pushed it a little to see how many people were still there. Surprisingly, it was quiet.
I walked in with Parker not far behind and was struck by the disaster that had once been my apartment.
Red disposable cups lined the floor. One of the kegs was laying on its side while the other two still had beer dripping from the nozzle. Liquor bottles covered the bar, and a thick, red substance was dripping to the linoleum floor in the kitchen. Around the blender, you could see droplets of thick goo, where someone had obviously forgotten to put the cap on when they turned it on.