She Comes First (4 page)

I
N THE LORE
of female sexuality, a lot of fuss is made over the differences between clitoral, G-spot, and blended and vaginal orgasms. The clitoral orgasm is often criticized as being quick and lighthearted, while the others are somehow deemed more serious and substantial. But a quick study of anatomy reveals that
all
orgasms are clitoral. The clitoris is the sexual epicenter, an orgasmic powerhouse in which no sensation goes unnoticed. As Natalie Angier writes of the infamous G-spot, the area of soft tissue just inside the vaginal area, “The roots of the clitoris run deep, after all, and very likely can be tickled through posterior agitation. In other words, the G-spot may be nothing more than the back end of the clitoris.”

As for vaginal orgasms and the moans of pleasure that often accompany penetration, sorry to burst your bubble, gentlemen: while we’d like to believe that these sensations of excruciating ecstasy are
being delivered from the depths of her vagina by the sheer power and reach of our formidable thrusts, they are actually “caused by pressure on the parts of the clitoris that surround the vaginal opening,” what author Rebecca Chalker refers to as the “clitoral cuff.” When this highly sensitized area is aroused and engorged with blood, a horseshoelike arch forms at the vaginal opening and applies friction and pressure against the male penis, playing a pivotal role in the stimulation of the male orgasm. So, in one sense, both the female
and
the male orgasm depend on the clitoris for stimulation.

For those doubting Thomases who still can’t let go of their vaginal attachment, consider that an estimated one in five thousand women suffers from an unusual congenital disorder called vaginal agenesis, in which they are literally born
without
a vagina, despite normal development of external genitals, including major and minor labia. While these women are often unable to become pregnant without surgery or intense medical therapy, they are, in fact,
able to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm
—because even though they may lack a vagina, they still have a fully functional clitoris. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of women who have been subjected to the brutalities of a clitoridectomy. This painful mutilation, often referred to as female circumcision, is still practiced today in some cultures and almost always leaves the woman permanently disfigured, traumatized, and deprived of a clitoris and any chance of sexual enjoyment.

What these two examples demonstrate is that even if one adamantly subscribes to the idea of vaginal and G-spot orgasms as being discrete orgasmic experiences unto themselves, the clitoris is clearly the “starter” or catalyst for sexual response. While it’s possible to experience a clitoral orgasm without the presence of a vagina, it’s virtually impossible to experience a vaginal or G-spot orgasm without the presence of a clitoris.

So when considering all of the various terms and types of female orgasm that are often bandied about, we can simplify matters by adopting “Occam’s razor,” the principle coined by the medieval
philosopher William of Occam that lies at the root of all scientific modeling and theory building:
Entia non sunt multiplicanda necessitatem.
Translation: “One should not make more assumptions than are absolutely necessary.”

When we speculate about the nature of a given phenomenon (like the female orgasm), this principle beseeches us to eliminate those concepts, variables, or constructs that are not needed to explain the phenomenon. In doing so, we reduce inconsistencies, ambiguities, and redundancies, as well as the likelihood of error.

So there’s no need to quibble over semantics when it comes to identifying orgasms. The clitoris encompasses them all. The tongue is far better used to produce orgasms than to waste time naming them.

N
UMEROUS STUDIES
have demonstrated that women whose lovers give them direct clitoral stimulation during sexual activity are more likely to climax consistently. But because of its location, most sexual positions (especially missionary-style) do not properly stimulate the clitoris. As Shere Hite concluded, “Sex provides efficiently for male orgasm, and inefficiently for female orgasm.”

If you were going to paint a landscape in fine, subtle watercolors, would you use a soft, flexible brush, or a cumbersome, unwieldy roller? A woman’s orgasm is complex and often elusive, and many men are unable to control their penises with enough precision to properly guide a woman through the stages of arousal. Making love with one’s penis is like trying to write calligraphy with a thick Magic Marker.

The tongue, on the other hand, is under our direct control, has
no time constraints, and can be manipulated with expert precision. Unlike the penis, it’s effective when hard or soft, and never gets overheated. When using his tongue, a man doesn’t have to worry about growing fatigued, nor does he need fret over premature ejaculation or impotence. He can relax and enjoy the act of giving.

The tongue, an array of muscles and nerves held together by a membrane covered with thousands of taste buds, is the most versatile sex organ we possess. It’s the only muscle in the body that’s not attached at both ends. We can touch, taste, and lick with it. The tongue is the instrument that lets us speak many languages, foremost among them the language of love.

But having the right tool is just a start; you need to know how to use it. Many women complain woefully about men’s oral techniques: the lack of consistent, rhythmic pressure; their roughness; the mad stampede for the clitoris. As Strunk and White wrote in
Elements of Style,
“Do not overstate…a single overstatement, wherever or however it occurs, diminishes the whole.”

Sadly, many women also complain about men’s attitudes toward cunnilingus: squeamish and hesitant; overeager, impatient, even angry. And many men fail to finish what they started. In
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality,
the author observes that although most men enjoy cunnilingus, only a small minority of men continued to perform it until the woman reached orgasm.

Most men consider cunnilingus an aspect of foreplay, an appetizer
to be served before the main meal of genital intercourse. But according to author Paula Kamen, “In a study of sexually knowledgeable and experienced women who use a vibrator, the most common type of stimulation that usually or always triggers an orgasm is oral sex.”

So perhaps we need to find a word other than “foreplay” in order to properly classify and appreciate the importance of cunnilingus. We need a category that is more encompassing and inclusive. Kamen cites a 1996
Mademoiselle
article in which author Valerie Frankel uses the term “outercourse” to describe those important nongenital activities that frequently fall under the rubric of foreplay: “Women of the 90s are not squeamish little virgins. We’ve had intercourse—lots of it—and think that Outercourse kicks its ass.”

Regardless of how we categorize it, we need to understand that cunnilingus is a complete process that takes a woman through the gamut of sexual response. Later, in Part II, cunnilingus will be referred to as
coreplay
—the centerpiece of the “play process”—with foreplay encompassing those activities prior to the first “genital kiss.”

G
iving expert cunnilingus requires learning appropriate techniques (through reading a book such as this and also through individual experimentation) and then applying them consistently over time in a focused, patient, and loving manner; most important, it requires respecting, sharing, and participating wholly in the erotic intimacy of the moment.

“The penis is very badly placed, anatomically speaking, when it comes to making women come. Better if men simply left their penis alone, stopped attending to those immature nerve fibers, and concentrated instead on learning how to orgasm through their tongues.” (Tisdale)

It sounds funny, but in a certain sense we
can
orgasm through our tongues. It’s not that the tongue is a replacement for the penis; if anything, it’s an addition, an enhancement—an extension. Men
often joke of having two heads, the big and the little, and of their frequent battles with each other. However, during cunnilingus, if you trust the moment and let yourself go, you enter a zone where
both
your heads are united in a process of arousal that is synchronized with hers. You become one with yourself and her.

I
MAGINE A WORLD
in which a woman’s orgasm, along with the male’s, is a necessary and
critical
part of the reproductive process: a world in which human beings can’t reproduce unless
both
man and woman experience orgasm at the moment of insemination. In this bizarre world, men are selected as mates based not on their proficiency to wield a spear or look good in a tux, but on their ability to consistently lead a woman to climax; only those men who are able to experience their pleasure as part of a woman’s find themselves accepted by society. The rest are ostracized, cast out, banished to the margin.

Sounds strange, like the makings of a Margaret Atwood novel or an X-rated episode of
The Twilight Zone,
but in fact, up through the eighteenth century, scientists, doctors, and philosophers believed that the female orgasm was an integral component of reproduction. As Natalie Angier noted, “The ancients also saw no difference between
men’s and women’s capacity for sexual pleasure and the necessity of the female orgasm for conception. Galen proclaimed that a woman could not get pregnant unless she had an orgasm.”

This type of “nonscientific” thinking hearkens back thousands of years, to a time before patriarchs, to an age of matriarchs and goddess worship, when societies revered a woman’s sexuality as a life-giving force, and celebrated it with elaborate sex rituals that took place in temples and included costumes, incense, poetry, music, feasts, and wine.

We tend to take it for granted that our society defines sex as a linear process that includes foreplay, vaginal penetration, and the male orgasm. And because of its role in the act of procreation, the male orgasm/ejaculation is enshrined in our culture’s definition of sex. The male orgasm presages the denouement of the sex act, regardless of where a woman is in the process of sexual response and irrespective of her innate biological capacity to experience multiple orgasms. The male orgasm is the signifying event that defines what comes before, as well as after. The male orgasm is indispensable and highly valued by society, not so the females.

What happened? Even up through the seventeenth century, Western science and society maintained a “one-sex” view of the human anatomy; that the genitals of men and women were similar and functioned in a similar way to produce orgasm. As long as the one-sex view prevailed, the capacity for female pleasure was understood, if not always respected.

According to Rebecca Chalker, author of the insightful book
The Clitoral Truth,
as Western civilization (and women’s discontents) progressed through the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, “Women’s sexuality was seen as very different from men’s—increasingly weak and chaste and passionless.”

Chalker continues, “Anatomists began to ascribe parts of the clitoris to the reproductive or urinary system. Medical illustrations became increasingly more simplistic, leaving parts of the clitoris unlabelled. By Victorian times, the orgasm, which was previously accepted as a natural component of women’s sexual repertoire, was seen as unnecessary, unseemly, and perhaps even unhealthy for women.”

And then, as if the clitoris didn’t have enough problems, along came a psychoanalyst with a Big Cigar (and sometimes, regardless of size, a cigar is really just a cigar)…