She Comes First (9 page)

T
HERE’S NOTHING
like strong words to rouse the hearts and minds of men. As we move forward into Part II and focus on specific oral techniques for success, think of Part I as a manifesto, a call to action that urges us first and foremost to:

• Respect the female process of arousal

• Postpone gratification in the pursuit of mutual pleasure

• Know and appreciate the clitoris in all its manifold aspects

• Stimulate the clitoris appropriately through the entire process of sexual response

• Dispense with the conventional wisdom that exalts genital penetration as the apogee of sexual pleasure

• Purge yourself of stereotypes, clichés, and prejudices

• Be patient, respectful, sensitive and tender

• Take an approach that is pleasure-oriented, not goal-oriented

• Approach each act as a unique process of giving and receiving, knowing and learning

• Give of yourself seriously, generously, and wholeheartedly, even if your relationship is casual and impermanent

Easier said than done. Even Karl Marx recognized that in order for words to become actions, the proper preconditions for success must be firmly in place. In the cunnilinguist revolution, we cannot underestimate the insidious forces of fear, shame, and ignorance.

A woman may be deeply conflicted when it comes to receiving cunnilingus and the experience may be fraught with anxiety. Who knows for sure what emotional baggage she may carry? Take nothing for granted. There’s an utter nakedness to cunnilingus, a vulnerability that we must respect and honor. She is exposing herself to be seen, smelled, tasted, and observed firsthand; she is permitting the exploration of a part of her body that she herself may find unfamiliar and mysterious. She may think her vulva is ugly, unkempt, unpredictable in its secretions, odoriferous, and strange. She may insist on making love in the dark, literally and figuratively.

As cunnilinguists we need to be committed, steadfast, and confident in our resolve. If she senses that we’re the least bit ambivalent, insincere, or impatient, then our efforts will be for naught. Only by inspiring trust will you lull her into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of your tongue.

To that end, the Three Assurances of the cunnilinguist manifesto are as follows:

•Going down on her turns
you
on; you enjoy it as much as she does.

•There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.

•Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence.

Communicate these Three Assurances physically and verbally; repeat them over and over, in every possible way; say them, show them: embody them. Be strong, be understanding. If she has issues, fears, talk your way through them. Work your way through the anxiety. Lead her to a breakthrough. Be one of the good guys.

Take one small lick for man, one giant lick for mankind.

Cunnilinguists of the world unite. The revolution is upon us.

Vive la Vulva!

A
S DISCUSSED IN PART I,
cunnilingus has been traditionally considered an optional aspect of foreplay rather than a sexual act in its own right that can lead a woman through the entire process of sexual response.

In relegating oral sex (as well as other important activities such as manual stimulation of the clitoris) to the domain of foreplay we are simultaneously:

• Discounting the importance of these pleasure-oriented activities

• Limiting their role in the overall process of arousal/sexual response

• Promoting genital penetration as the centerpiece of sexual experience

In doing so, we open a chasm between tongue and clitoris—one that often cannot be bridged by the penis.

Additionally, the relegation of cunnilingus to foreplay reinforces the false idea that the tongue is best applied during the early stages of sexual response, when in fact the opposite is true: because of the heightened sensitivity of the clitoris, direct stimulation is best approached slowly and gradually, and is ideally preceded by a variety of erotic activities.

In short, cunnilingus is
not
foreplay, it’s
coreplay,
the best approach for consistently applying various methods of clitoral stimulation; and one that, like genital penetration, requires an appropriate prologue of erotic activity. Hence, in our discussion of technique,
foreplay
will be considered those activities that precede coreplay—the sublime waltz of tongue and clitoris.

As Aristotle noted, “A middle is only a middle when preceded by a beginning and followed by an end.” Whereas for men, the completion of the process of sexual response virtually converges with the explosion of orgasm, it has been amply demonstrated that a woman, upon climaxing, requires a greater period of time to return to the prearoused state; hence, the importance of
moreplay.

And so there we have it, the play process: foreplay, coreplay, and moreplay—taken as a whole, the makings of great sexual drama.

Time to put on a show.

Anticipation:
Create a strong sense of expectation. A little goes a long way: a hot, hushed phone call from work, a furtive whisper over dinner, a glancing touch on the nape of the neck. The smallest of gestures can imbue the banal with erotic energy and electrify the mundane.

Avoid:
During foreplay avoid direct contact with her genitals for a minimum of ten to fifteen minutes. Stimulate other parts of her body; let the oxytocin wash over her and pervade her bloodstream. Save the genital kiss for last, as the first kiss upon the vulva is the threshold between foreplay and coreplay.

Awareness:
Stay attuned to the nuances of sexual response; don’t lose your focus, or let the process slip away from you. Every moment builds continuously on the last to create a seamless experience. Remember what Aristotle said, “Most important of all is the structure
of the incidents. If any one of them is displaced or removed, the whole will be disjointed and disturbed.”

Bath, a:
Cleanliness is an important part of any sexual encounter, but particularly in respect to cunnilingus. Squeamishness regarding genital hygiene is the number one reservation that men level against cunnilingus, and is also a source of anxiety for women who worry that their partners may be wary. Incorporate a shared bath or shower into foreplay. Channel the anxiety into a romantic event.

Beard:
Unless you have a full, soft beard, consider shaving, as stubble can irritate her vulva, inner thighs, and other sensitive areas.

Body, hers:
Keep in mind that skin is our largest sexual organ, and the entire body, from head to toe, is one big erogenous zone. This is especially true of women, as the female body is generally smaller than the male and the same numbers of nerves are consequently dispersed across a smaller surface area; hence the number of sensitive receptors is proportionally larger on the female body. Second, the female skin is generally thinner and less hairy than the male, so sensations are more clearly felt. Sex researchers have observed that some women can reach orgasm by simply having their eyebrows stroked or their earlobes kissed. As Voltaire wrote, “Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.”

Breasts:
While there is indeed a biological basis for the pleasure connection between breasts and vulva in the form of oxytocin—a chemical that heightens our sensitivity to touch and is released in her genital area when the breasts are stimulated—numerous studies reveal that breast contact stimulates
men
way more than it does women. In a Kinsey study of female sexual response, only 11 percent of the eight thousand women surveyed said that they stroked their breasts during masturbation (compared to 84 percent who stroked their clitoris or labia minora). So it stands to reason that when it comes to her breasts, a significant component of her pleasure is the enjoyment of yours. Every woman is different regarding the breast sensitivity, so err on the side of tenderness and look for feedback. As one of this author’s interviewees put it, “Savor, don’t suckle.”

Breath, bad:
In all this fuss about hygiene, don’t forget about your own, particularly oral, as there are more bacteria in the mouth than in the vagina. Rather than brushing your teeth, which could cause cuts and sores and raise the risk of spreading or contracting an STD, simply rinse well with a
mild
mouthwash. Stay away from floss prior to sexual activity for the same reasons.

Breathing, hers:
Most men think of vaginal wetness as the most reliable indicator of a woman’s level of arousal; and while there is indeed a strong correlation between lubrication and sexual response, she may or may not be wet for reasons that have nothing to do with her level of sexual excitement. Breathing, on the other hand, is an oft-neglected indicator. As she gets more aroused, look for the commensurate changes in her breathing, and tightening of the abdominal muscles.

Candles:
Men and women differ when it comes to their attitudes about doing it with the lights on. Like Hemingway, men often enjoy “a clean, well-lighted place” in which to practice and observe their craft, whereas women seem to prefer the cover of dark. Compromise with candlelight.

Communication:
Keep all channels open throughout the process, verbal and physical; maintain a persistent feedback loop of stimulation and response. According to
Sex: A Man’s Guide,
“In a
Redbook
magazine survey of 100,000 married women, the strongest indicator of sexual and marital satisfaction among them was the ability to express sexual feelings to their husbands. The more they talked, the better they rated their sex lives, their marriages and their overall happiness.” Let each other know what works, as well as what doesn’t. Be positive and constructive;
criticism, expressed harshly, is often the death of sex.

Fantasies:
So potent is the power of the imagination that some women are actually able to fantasize themselves to orgasm, without any physical stimulation at all. Studies reveal that men and women fantasize differently. In general, women tend to fantasize in ways that are more situational and narrative, whereas men’s fantasies
tend to focus on specific physical and graphical elements of sexual encounters.

In terms of subject matter, there is overlap between men and women, with common fantasies including: multiple partners, soft bondage, anal play, cheating, watching others voyeuristically, and having sex in public places.

Fantasize, together:
Take a page from
The Thousand and One Nights
and incorporate a story into foreplay. If you’re not a born storyteller, try reading one aloud together. Some literary recommendations: James Salter’s erotic masterpiece,
A Sport and a Pastime;
Anais Nin’s collections of short stories
Delta of Venus
and
Little Birds;
the erotic novels
Emanuelle
by Emanuelle Arsan and
Story of O
by Pauline Réage; Harold Brodkey’s sexual saga “Innocence”—perhaps the greatest depiction of a session of cunnilingus ever penned; novels by Jerzy Kosinski such as
Passion Play
and
Cockpit;
Henry Miller’s
Under the Roofs of Paris
and
Quiet Days in Clichy; My Secret Life
by Anonymous and
The Pure and the Impure
by Colette; Nancy Friday’s anthology of fantasies,
Secret Garden
(filled with the correspondence of real people’s fantasies); stories from
The Mammoth Book of Erotica
or one of the many erotic anthologies edited by Susie Bright. For those with a taste for poetry, try
Les Fleurs du Mal
(Flowers of Evil) by Charles Baudelaire or
Flesh Unlimited
by Guillaume Apollinaire. And for those who like comic books (kinky ones, that is), try the extra-hot works of writer/illustrator Eric Stanton, who specializes in female-domination fantasies.

Fantasize, separately:
Keep in mind that there are those fantasies we share aloud, and others we keep to ourselves. Respect each other’s privacy, and never be threatened by what’s in her imagination. According to the authors of
Sex: A Man’s Guide,
studies reveal that about 85 percent of both men and women have sexual fantasies during sexual intercourse some of the time. The authors go on to cite a study by Harold Leitenberg, Ph.D., in which he concludes that people who fantasize during sex feel a greater level of sexual satisfaction and have fewer sexual problems in their relationships—even
if the person about whom they fantasize is
different
from the person they have a relationship with.

“At times I find it’s harder to talk about my fantasies than my actual sexual experience. What I
do
sexually is the product of many factors, not all of them sexually motivated. But what I
imagine
doing is pure—pure in the sense that the image comes wholly from within, from the soil of the subconscious. The land of the fantasy is the land of the not-done and wished for.” (Tisdale)

Fantasy vs. Reality:
Note the difference between sharing a fantasy and acting one out. The former is harmless and exploratory; the latter can often lead to unforeseen consequences unless discussed and properly understood by everyone concerned. This is even truer when a fantasy is taken out of the bedroom. The sex we have in our lives—familiar, repetitious—is usually very different from the sex we have in our fantasies—exaggerated, taboo—and perhaps that’s the point. Think twice before taking fantasies out of the bedroom, and know that a rich inner life contributes to a healthy, happy outer one. As one interviewee commented, “Even if I wanted to live out my fantasies, it’s impossible. I’d need a time machine
and
a spaceship.”

Fellatio:
One of her greatest sources of pleasure will be to pleasure you, and there’s no better way for her to do so than with some generous oral attention. Just don’t get too carried away. Numerous surveys note that men enjoy fellatio as much as, if not more than, intercourse, and that it’s the easiest way for a woman to stimulate a man to orgasm. Receiving head is not permission to climax. As Dr. Comfort wrote in
The New Joy of Sex,
“A few men can’t take even the shortest genital kiss before ejaculating.” So if fellatio is something you love and must have, then go for a “light snack” during foreplay and put in your request for prolonged attention after coreplay.

Fingers, stimulation:
Once she’s aroused—her body awoken and sensitized by your attention—manual stimulation of her vulva will prove to be the pièce de résistance of foreplay; plan on taking ample time to deploy just the right combination of pressure, motion, and rhythm.

Before you get going, you might want to moisten your hands with some lubricant (see
Lubricant
for the ins and outs of choosing the right one), although at this point her natural moisture should be in steady flow. Also, make sure your fingernails are clipped, as they can irritate her genital area, as well as cause small scratches and cuts. For step-by-step instructions and illustrations on how to use your fingers like a virtuoso, see the Appendix.

Hair, pubic:
When it comes to hair care, guys care. Some men love it and can’t get enough of it; all they want to do is rub their noses in it and take in the full aroma of a woman’s scent. Others prefer a neatly trimmed coif; still others enjoy the thin strip of a Mohawk or the sleek, bald pate of a naked vulva—what the Chinese refer to as “the White Tiger.” Ultimately, it’s her decision. Remember that; respect it. Some women don’t want the hassle of having to attend to
yet another
aspect of their appearance, and anything beyond a mild trim is going to involve discomfort, itching, and perhaps even pain.

Kissing:
As Shelley wrote, “Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips.” A kiss is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. A kiss is a unique and versatile expression of the soul. A kiss can be playful, patient, and coy; or ravenous, forceful, and violent. According to the teachings of Tantra, a woman’s upper lip is considered one of the most erogenous areas on her body because of a special nerve that connects it to the clitoris, and is said to channel erotic energy. Like language itself, there is virtually no emotion that cannot be expressed with a kiss.
Cunnilingus is simply the art of extending a kiss into a complete act of lovemaking.

Language:
“All the fun’s in how you say a thing,” wrote Robert Frost, and this couldn’t be truer than when applied to sex play. According to a survey in
Men’s Fitness
magazine, over 90 percent of men love it when their partners talk dirty to them. So if you tend to be the quiet type in bed, untie your tongue and verbalize your erotic feelings.

But pick your words wisely, and remember what Mark Twain had
to say in this regard: “The difference between the right word and the nearly right word is the same as that between lightning and the lightning bug.” The same is true of “turnoff” and “turn-on,” so make sure your choice of words has the latter effect, not the former.

When searching for the right words, remember what
Elements of Style
had to say, “All writers, by the way they use language, reveal something of their spirits, their habits, their capacities and their biases.”